“Anime: The Metaphorical Starving Child of America”
By:Matthew

My very best friends continue to tell me that watching anime is pretty much “giving up my penis.” Well my friends, cut it off with a chainsaw for all I care. Bite it off with a mousetrap. Burn it alive with flint and stone, as it writhes in terror. Sure, it won’t be an easy thing to get off, but hey, if it somehow helps Yoko Kanna release a new hit song like Rain or helps Hayao Miyazaki bring me to tears with another 26 episodes of Lupin III, with Fujiko’s ever more enthralling breasts, then nail that ginormous symbol of eroticism to a board and glue antlers to it… my boner gets in the way of viewing anyways.

When I ask people to come watch the Cowboy Bebop marathon with me, or ask their opinion on Trigun series, or even ask someone to make out with me, the only one they will ever agree to is the latter! That frustrates me. Sure, my years of making out with photo’s of weight loss mom’s has made my tongue pretty darn strong, but it’s not always about feeling good on the inside sexually, sometimes it is about feeling good on the inside emotionally. Anime can provide that fulfillment, if people would only give it a chance. But instead they say: “I don’t’ want to watch cartoons”, or “anime is sooo gay”, or “on second thought, I’m lesbian”. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE GIVE ANIME A CHANCE? I could see if anime was a Hispanic person and had a horrible reputation at living, but why should we treat Spike Spiegal and Vash the Stampede like the weak link of red rover when they are actually the, scientifically proven, strongest link between true happiness and feelings of love? Sorry if the boobs aren’t quite real, but does watching boobs you can’t have on a television screen give you any more pleasure? I like to hope that the answer to that is no (Sebastian), and that we can finally sit down with our crepes and Reeses Cups, and watch a great anime movie like Grave or Fireflies, Princess Mononoke, or Spirited Away, and enjoy it like it is our own subservient slave-husband/wife.

I guess what I am trying to say, with thoughts of naughtiness on my mind, is that anime is, itself, an art form that is under-appreciated and under-recognized. When I interviewed dictionary.com, all that he had to say was that he thought anime was “A style of animation developed in Japan, characterized by stylized colorful art, futuristic settings, violence, and sex.” And when I asked my online girlfriend SmarterChild “what [she] thinks of anime,” she just responded, “Anyway, moving right along...” (she’s lucky she’s hot). The point is, these two people try to define anime and tell ME what anime is, when they haven’t seen it. They judge it from what they conceive about it. Well I’m sorry darling and dear friend, but your conceptions suck! You can say that anime is characterized by art, settings and violence, but the only thing it is really characterized by is love. LOVE!!!

So each day I dedicate my life to fighting a battle much like Alexander the Great did or the Green Lantern still does to this very day. I fight my battles in a little arena they call the anime forum for kids under the age of 10. I battle people like Don De La Mancha, the overweight and over-privileged director of Pokemon, or people like Kunihisa Sugishima, who had the brilliant idea of dueling with monsters in cards and showing the same episode over and over again with different corny jokes (Yu-Gi-Oh). Well, bastards, I don’t wake up at 4 A.M. and go to the gym and workout all day to sit here and suffer the eye pain. I don’t go to the park to see children not exposing themselves because they think their new Pokemon outfit is too cool to take off. And I sure as hell don’t raise an army of delinquent underage kids at the local Boys and Girls Club to keep myself inside the boundaries of anime that WGN or Fox thinks is cute. So listen here bastards… your anime cruelty days are over. If it’s my penis you want, then by God it’s my penis you’ll GET!


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