There are the following methods which can aid us to identify lies
in our life
ABC-method
ABC-DE- method
to use mental capacities
to keep a diary
to study the Bible
To recognize and fight against self deceptive lies
One of the best methods with which to identify lies in our life is the ABC-method.
A
stands for the event that occurs to you and elicits a lie.
B
stands for the "soliloquy" for that what you internally
say to yourself about the event.
C
stands for your emotional reaction to this soliloquy.
Practise this self observation!
What is Self awareness?
to observe oneself
to recognize your own feelings
to develop a vocabulary for feelings
to recognize the connection between thoughts, feelings and reaction
How to deal with feelings
Feelings should be observed as follows:
a supervise your soliloquy on negative messages
like silent slight b recognize what is behind a feeling
e. g., the hurt behind the anger c find ways how to deal with apprehension and fear,
anger and sadness.
Let go of your wrath!
Forget the past and aim at the future!
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and
slander be put away from you, with all malice,
and be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another,
as God in Christ forgave you"
(Ephesians 4, 31 - 32).
Wrath
What do you have to know about wrath?
a) Wrath is not harmless.
Beware of wrath says the Bible.
b) Who nurses wrath, creates his own suffering.
c) Wrath can not change the past.
Wrath solves no problems,
but only complicates them
and starts to dominate the resentful person.
"Surely vexation kills the fool,
and jealousy slays the simple"
(Job 5, 2).
"... forbearing one another and,
if one has a complaint against another,
forgiving each other;
as the Lord has forgiven you,
so you also must forgive"
(Colossians 3, 13).
Grief
Let go of your grief!
Who moans enters into self isolation.
Your self pity builds walls around you.
Instead of bridges are barriers constructed
in the personal relationship to others.
If you want to avoid that,
then don't allow your grief,
that it keeps you caught.
How does grief originate?
What is the difference between wrath and grief?
The difference between wrath and grief
Wrath (anger) and grief (sorrow) are both feelings.
You feel wrath when you personally are hurt through another person
and you feel grief about the misfortune or suffering
that happened to another person.
Guilty feelings
Let go your conscience!
Here it concerns guilt feelings which block
our relationships to other people.
The employment of mental capabilities can be practised as follows.
You imagine
1. an unpleasant or annoying situation and
2. hold a truthful soliloquy
3. in oder to change the associated feelings.
This technique allows you to deal mentally with situations,
in which you normally explode, in a sensible and constructive way.
Practise it in life!
What is empathy?
to understand the feelings and worries of someone else
to put yourself into the shoes of someone else
to accept divergent opinions of others
Good communication
You can recognize good communication that one
1. can talk successfully about feelings,
2. listens well and asks good questions,
3. can distinguish between what another person
says and does, and
4. distinguishes ones own reaction or judgment to it;
5. sends "I"-messages instead of making accusations.
Communication is influenced among other factors by:
the intention of the and the expectation of the
sender
recipient
or vice versa
What is to distinguish in communication?
You have to distinguish between
the word (saying) and the deed (doing) of the other and
what is your own reaction or judgment to what is said or done
Four functions of communication have been identified:
sender and recipient
1. the factual,
2. the representational,
3. the relational,
4. the directive function of speech.
1. Information or knowledge content of language
Language is a means of expressing thoughts and serves
the transmission of knowledge.
Language serves the communication of
thoughts,
knowledge, and
emotions.
2. Representation of self with language
You provide a lot of information about yourself with language.
Can you list several examples?
your dialect tells where you come from,
your accent says whether you are a native speaker
your choice of words (education)
the voice betrays your age
the height of voice excitement
also the tremble of your voice
As soon as you open your mouth you give a lot of information about yourself.
The representation of self can also reflect:
- who you are,
- what you have,
- what you can.
3. The relationship to others can be analysed with language
Through the speech act contact is established with a listener.
The relationship which exists between a speaker and
a listener can be deduced out of the speech act.
The social contact can
a) represent a loose or structured relationship.
b) be approximate or repulsive.
c) be very distant or intimate.
d) reflect a position and status.
How can you assess a social relationship?
at the "social setting"
the social intercourse
the zone of distance
position and status behaviour
Ritual contact
By means of a speech act contact with a listener is established.
Ritual patterns of contact exist by
greetings,
goodbye,
expression of thanks, and
mutual respect.
With language acquisition, role suitable behaviour is learned.
It is part good manners not to forget oneself.
4. Die Appellebene mittels der Sprache
By means of language orders are given.
A listener can be
begged or ordered to do something.
This directive function of speech can be
interpersonal (between two persons) and intrapersonal (a human being directs his own behaviour
by means of language).
What is the difference between communication and understanding?
Comprehensibility in speech or writing
Comprehensibility is a social process between
speaker and listener.
Interpersonal understanding is the aim of speaking.
A reciprocal adapting to each other is necessary between
speaker and listener.
It is a precondition for interpersonal understanding that
speaker and listener agree to a common course of action.
Then you can determine the way to reach the goal.
Habits of communication
Problematic habits of communication you can recognize by the words you use.
It can be
1. veiled words feigned, dishonest
2. hurtful words ill-considered, unpredictable
3. condemning words niggling, critical
4. devastating words derogatory, disparaging
5. lavish words exaggeration, bluff
Communication barriers
Negative communication habits are not innate.
They can be changed.
A precondition for change is to be aware of bad habits.
Es folgt ein Aufstellung von 12 Kommunikations-Barrieren.
1. to criticize
A person who constantly looks out for errors by others
destroys interpersonal relationships.
2. to label
To distribute mental labels is the quickest way to hinder
communication.
3. to diagnose
Who diagnoses others quickly as aggressive, impulsive or
compulsive deadens the dialogue.
4. exaggerated praise
Praise as an instrument of manipulation is considered
deceitful and generates wrath.
5. to order
To order another person around what he or she has to do
makes passive or elicits resistance.
6. to threaten
To threaten represents an attempt to control others,
by threatening with negative consequences.
7. to moralize
When you moralize you offer another person a ready made
solution to his problem garnished with a halo.
8. suggestive questioning
Suggestive questioning is not an honest request for
information, but intends to lure another person into a trap.
9. to advise
First, if advice was not asked for, it is not desired.
Second, the adviser sees often only the tip of the iceberg.
10. to divert
To divert or distract is the most frequently used form to
hinder communication. In oder to direct the attention to
oneself or to avoid an unpleasant topic, a discourse switch
is used.
11. to persuade
With persuasion you encounter a conflict with logical
solutions. The problem is, logic deals with facts
and ignores feelings.
12. to sweeten
The other person refuses self assessment. It looks like
sympathy but it does not help the one concerned.
Communication blockades
Müller (1993) mentions five communication blockades:
laziness - To listen is strenuous and requires concentration.
prejudice - "To think there is only one right way" - is incorrect!
"Every one thinks like me" - that's not true!
"People don't change" - A new start is always possible!
impatience - An impatient listener impedes the listening process.
pride - Pride makes us defensive and not open to reason.
fear - Fear of criticism results, when some one tells us something,
we'd rather not hear,
or it is said in a manner we can hardly bear.
Constructive communication
Communication is not only what you say,
but how you say it
and how you are understood.
Müller (1993) mentions four principles:
1. to respect the feeling of self worth of another person!
2. not to disregard the needs of another person!
3. to motivate with love!
4. not to avoid a confrontation!
Müller (1993) suggests that speech be seasoned with:
= respected feelings of self worth
= empathetic understanding
= humble love
= genuine honesty
Argumentation or reasoning
A course offering in argumentation comprises seven points.
Attitude - upon which the conviction is dependent Analysis - importance and weightiness in the argumentation Refutation - the showdown with a partner in a discussion Sequenz of steps - how do you develop a point of view Listening - the way from persuasion to conviction Techniques - how to counter objections Tricks - when argumentation begins to be unfair
A general outline for argumentation comprises six premises
1. deficit premise
2. cause premise
3. alternative premise
4. practice premise
5. adequate premise
6. exception premise
and a conclusion.
Shortcomings in argumentation
Possible shortcomings in argumentation are:
- unclear argumentation goals, argumentation steps and conclusion,
- ambiguous arguments,
- insufficient justification and support,
- not taken into account counter arguments and objections,
- a lack of reflexion of the consequences by the realization of own suggestions,
- neglect of possible alternatives.
Resolution of a problem
Conflict resolution requires:
to deal fairly with another person
to consider both sides in a compromise
to determine about another person
Group dynamics
Group dynamics is a process. It involves:
1. cooperation,
2. knowing, when and how you should take over leadership
3. or when you have to accept a subordinate role.
Write down as often as possible your daily thoughts according to the ABC-method;
then you read what you have written and
try to identify the distorted perceptions in your soliloquy.
Like that you get an insight into which distortions
your are especially susceptible to.
Only what you clearly recognize you can come to grips with.
"Contrary thinking"
Contrary thinking is another method.
The lies which we believe are frequently the exact opposite to the truth.
Force yourself to consider the opposite of your lie.
"To tame the flow of thoughts"
"To tame the flow of thoughts" can also be effektive.
When you stop your thoughts you also control the associate feelings
with your thoughts.
One method to stop the flow of thoughts is with a noice, for example,
the rattle of an alarm clock.
What methods have been mentioned to help identify distortion lies?
"to keep a diary",
"contrary thinking" and
"to tame the flow of thoughts".
These methods are appropriate to uncover distortion lies.
What is insight?
To recognize certain patterns in your
emotional life
to know your own reaction
to observe the reaction by others
Self acceptance is:
to know your own strength and weaknesses
to emphasize the positiv in your own life
to laugh about yourself
Self confidence
Self confidence is displayed when someone can
voice his concerns and feelings without anger or passivity.
To reveal oneself
Transparency is undisguised clarity.
Interpersonal relationships are made more difficult, because
1. we hide our feelings. (joyless)
2. we mask our mistakes. (hypocritical)
3. we camouflage our weaknesses. (neurotic)
To be transparent
To be transparent requires at least 4 characteristics:
1. to be open to reprimand
"Listen to advice and accept instruction,
that you may gain wisdom for the future"
(Proverbs 19, 20).
2. to be honest
"Truthful lips endure for ever,
but a lying tongue is but for a moment"
(Proverbs 12, 19).
3. to listen to reason
"He who heeds instruction is on the path to life;
but he who rejects reproof goes astray"
(Proverbs 10, 17).
4. to be available
"Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another"
(Proverbs 27, 17).
What risks are connected with being transparent?
There are potential risks associated with being transparent.
Already Abraham used a lie to protect himself.
When he was in Egypt he said that his wife is his sister.
See Genesis 12, 10 - 20.
Too much transparency can result in craftiness, hypocrisy and fraud.
In money matters caution is advised even with your friend.
"To make your confession by the devil" means
to tell an enemy or opponent confidential matters.
Consider, you ear lend to everyone, your word very few.
Trust? Look out, whom!
Das folgende Gedicht behandelt poetisch die Risiken verbunden mit Transparenz.
Reflection
What are the rewards that go begging
When a feeling can not be conveyed
A feeling of joy and of wonder
An ace that can never be played.
A feeling without reservation
A feeling that's given not lent
A feeling that brings with it caring
A feeling with tenderness sent.
How can this sad curse be broken
How can fear be laid aside
How can the promise be realized
When social traditions divide.
Our fathers and mothers both told us
To trust only those we know well
And never reveal all our feelings
Our innermost thoughts never tell.
For surely the flattering stranger
Will use what we say for his gain
What we feel when betrayed won't concern him
But the scar that is left will remain.
So now I have spoken of feelings
Yet even my own I can't share
How can I convey what I want to
What is the reward if I dare.
