I've been in a very introspective mood for the past few days. It all started with one of the boys I work with and how disgusted and disheartened I became after hearing what he said. Unfortunately, since everything is confidential, I would feel wrong writing it here. Let's just say that this boy has no remorse or empathy.

So, I left work in a foul mood, thinking that maybe what I do is not helping anybody. I passed out asleep and woke up on Sunday, spending my day drawing and writing. When Futurama came on, Bender had a sex change. Ha ha, funny, funny. I smiled until the other characters told Bender how wrong it was. Granted, it's a cartoon but most media portrays gender bending as a criminal act.

And then I happen upon CSI and one of the characters is beaten and killed because she happened to have "frank and beans," as one of the investigators so eloquently said. I got tears in my eyes and my throat closed up, all because of no sensitivity on the writers' part.

I think it's good that TV shows are starting to portray more transgendered people. I just think the light they're portrayed in is not always the most flattering. How do we change this? How can I change it? Questions, questions...

On to happier thoughts...

Monday day. Pathetic mountain biking experience (only did a mile and then turned back around...too, too hot). Then to the Cheesecake Factory with a friend, who put me in a sad mood because she gets into this funk (and I seem to feed off of her mood swings). To combat that, I went to a bar with a friend late that night, got hit on by the cute bartender (who happens to be gay), talked about relationships and intimacy (I am so in my "want a boy" cycle) and then left. Busy day.

23 july

I find the mirror to be a conundrum lately. I pass by one on the wall at work, or by windows, which flash my reflection or just stare at my face when I get out of the shower and I can't begin to fathom the face staring back. It's me but it's not. For twenty-four years, I've seen this face go through the changes of manhood and now I find it harder and harder to recognize me.

I was "ma'am-ed" again today. I was standing in line at Starbucks (I know, I know...supporting big business), trying to decide whether I wanted the mocha latte or just a plain coffee. Well, I get up to give my order (I decided on the mocha latte) and the woman asks, "What can I get for you, ma'am?" I smiled and gave my order in my boy voice (because I am in no way out in femme mode...still very boyish) and she stepped back.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! My mind...it's not here. I am really sorry."

I told her not to worry, of course, silently thanking her and wishing her a long life. This has happened a lot in the past few months. On my trip back to see my parents out east, I was "ma'am-ed" and "miss-ed" several times, to the point where it got too uncomfortable and I stopped responding so the person wouldn't feel so embarrassed. I'm not presenting as a female, I don't go out dressed to the nines and I haven't been using my female voice but I'm still seen as female. I've had a man hit on me while I was standing in line at the 7-Eleven, a punk boy strike up a conversation while we were sitting next to each other in our cars at a light and a few men come up to me in bars. It is all very...new. My friend, C, tells me I don't need to worry about passing but it has always been an issue...and I think it will remain to be an issue. Yet I imagine, just as the rest of this transition has gone, that it will be fairly smooth.

Who knows? I hope for the best, expect the worst.

26 july

Ah...
The sky was getting dark over the mountains. You know the type of thick, matted clouds just begging you to get under cover because a fierce storm is coming. To the east, huge cumulous clouds rising into the deep blue sky. I sat on a swing, feeling the air rush past my ears, flipping my hair back and forth. I stared past my feet as I rose to watch the land give way to sky, feeling my stomach lurch in sweet anticipation of the inevitable descent back to earth.

I have decided swinging is one of the most simplest, most bestest, most utterly unconditional joys in this world. There is nothing better on a hot July day just before a big storm (and let me tell you, when it hit, the lightning was awesome!). I spent about an hour swinging, watching the kids as they played baseball and just giggling like a little schoolgirl. How sweet life is!

Life is sweet. It is sometimes too good, too amazing, too unreal and I am waiting for something to fall. I'm waiting for the bomb, as is said. I wonder if it will come and what shape it will take. Is it fear of realizing that nothing could ever go this good? Is this fear unfounded? I'm not sure.

My friend, S, called tonight and I told her about this little web site. She gave me such an incredible push to make this thought a reality. I know I need to do this; whether it is for everyone in transgender world or just for me is yet to be seen, but either way, good will come from it.