8 august
So, I get a little upset when I'll have to quit in a few months due to transition. One boy continues to make comments about me looking like a girl or running like one. I am concerned that I'm just adding to their issues rather than helping them. I talked to S last night and she suggested I talk to one of the boys' therapist. I trust this therapist and would love to chat with her about everything. The thing I fear, though, is if it doesn't go well I'll be looking for a new job sooner than I thought.
One of the boys wanted to fry some fish he caught and didn't know how. Neither did I. So, I called my Pop and he told me how to do it. I feel so lucky that I can do things like that. My parents are so awesome and giving. My friends often told me in high school they wished they could have had my parents. (Of course, I always hated them in high school...isn't that funny). I'm forever calling my parents and telling them how great they are. Wonder if it ever gets tiring for them?
Well, it's Sunday and it's chilly. Denver is overcast and I lost power for the first three hours of my day. It was nice and I almost hated having the power come on again. I put on the Les Miserables musical on my Discman, laid down on the couch with the paper and just vegged. I was quite content.
Ugh...extremely hung over and had to do a 13-hour shift at work (and lucky for me, I get to
do it again tomorrow!).
So, why am I hungover, you ask? Numerous Appletini's (an apple martini) at The Funky Buddha, several Coors and
dancing at The Church makes Haley a very inebriated girl.
Inebriated and happy.
We started the night at a sushi place (can't stand raw fish, stuck with the tofu salad) and
began our night with a glass of wine...does that go with sushi? S and T were
already eating when I got there. As we're sitting there, this boy, who looks exactly like
Justin Timberlake, walks in. Unfortunately, he's gay...oh well. After that, we hit the
Funky Buddha Lounge. Okay, can we say cream of the crop? Every person there was dressed
like they just came from a Versace show and they were all hot. The three of us got into
some conversation about dating outside of our leagues...
Spent a few hours there and then The Church, where I danced my ass off. It's 18+ on
Thursdays, so having a pink band around my wrist telling everyone I was over 21 was
saddening. T and I were like two out of eight people who had bands on. I felt so friggin' old!
Walked around downtown Denver afterwards, trying to get sober (didn't work, by the way)
and then
some stupid boys drove by us and tried to pick us up. *gag* Drunk boys and drunk Haley
don't mix, k?
But it was nice to get hit on.
16 august
Went to see Norah Jones last night at Red Rocks Amphitheater! OMG!
I bought tickets to her concert way back in March and I had been counting down the days. Well, last night was not a disappointment. It's the first time I've been to Red Rocks and they live up to their name. As it got dark, the rocks were lit up, the lights of Denver 15 miles away started to come on and the stars came out. Add to that a soundtrack by Norah Jones and you get a very happy, very content girl.
She played all of her old stuff, a lot of her new stuff (when the hell is her new album coming out?!?) and then some covers. Sooooo goooood.
18 august
I just finished watching Solaris for like the 16th time. Yes, it's excessive. Yes, it's good. I usually deplore any kind of reference to science fiction but this is a love story. And I'm always a sucker for a tear jerker (why do I do this to myself again and again!?!).
Here's something that caught my attention:
How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter? I tried to find the rhythm of the world where I used to live. I followed the current. I was silent and attentive. I made a conscious effort to smile, nod, stand and perform the millions of gestures that constitute life on Earth. I studied these gestures until they became reflexes again. But I was haunted by the idea that I remembered her wrong; that somehow I was wrong about everything.
Am I wrong about anything? Have I lived my life on autopilot? Do I love what I love because I was raised that way or is there truth behind my desires? So many questions and too many hours to ponder them all. I shouldn't take a week off from work and not do anything.
-Solaris
It's raining and I'm in a somber mood. Such are the workings of life...
19 august
A discombobulated state yesterday. I don't know whether it was the fact that I started writing again (whenever I begin to write, I get in this...funk) or just the weather. It was pretty blasé and I'm so not used to rainy weather like I used to be. Growing up on the east coast you kind of have to get used to changing weather. Hell, it could be eighty degrees one hour and the next, there's three feet of snow on the ground (maybe I'm being a little dramatic but you get the drift).But living in Denver, one gets used to sunny days all the time.
I spent yesterday indoors entirely. Except for the breakfast with A, I moped around my tiny apartment, wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I don't have a degree (dropped out after two years...who needs to go to school for Creative Writing?). I have no direction in which I'm really pulled. I've thought of graphic design, something to do with computers, leisure studies or social work. I just don't know. The sad thing is, is I can't really wait to go back to school but I need to. Money is extremely thin and I need as much as possible for transition. I know, I know; get a degree and more money will come. It'll just set me back so many years. And why go to school with my boy name when I can finish this up and then go to school as myself.
Not sure where I was headed with that...just needed to unload before I get back to my story.
29 august
My vacation time comes to a close today at 2:30 when I get to work. It's been a good week. Got some mountain biking in, got this web site up to date and spent Wednesday extremely drunk.
Drunk because I turned twenty-five. A quarter of a century. Ugh! Do I feel older? No. Do I look older? No (I still get carded). Do I wish I were twenty again? Yes.
My parents sent me three bottles of wine on Wednesday and I drank a few glasses waiting for my friend A to pick me up. We headed to a dive bar in Littleton near work and proceeded to get more inebriated. And then we all went to The Thin Man, my favorite bar in Denver. And then I started seeing doubles. It was a good time.
This birthday is the first time I've actually ever celebrated it. I've never been much of a birthday person but I figured twenty-five is a mile marker.
The day after, I spent most of it trying to keep everything in my stomach down and remembered why I don't drink like that anymore. I go out to bars but rarely have more than two or three drinks. I just don't like the feeling of drunkenness or the day after. It's just not worth it in my opinion. So, for another year I'll keep to my regualr drinking habits.
31 august
Back to work...good days. I actually missed coming in to work, working with the boys. I've discovered that some of what makes me feel good about myself is helping other people. It's a common thread in my family. My mother is a employment specialist for people who have a mental illness, my father is a union rep mediating disagreements, my aunt is a third grade teacher, my other aunt works with college kids in a library, my sister is in school to become a park ranger (she wants to stop deforestation) and I work with at-risk youth. So, getting back in to the swing of things at work made me smile, helped me feel good again.