My Jokez!

ATR BUTTON

Once, a man at an amusement park had to use the bathroom so bad that he couldn't wait for the long line to the men's room. He asked if he could use the girl's bathroom quickly since it wasn't occupied.
A female worker said that he could use it only if he did it quickly and didn't push any of the 3 buttons in the bathroom. The man went in and enjoyed a piss, hurried and washed his hands, but became curious of what the letters above the 3 buttons meant.
He pushed and found out by pushing the first button labeled "WW" that it meant warm water. He enjoyed the warm water on his genital so he pushed the second button that said "BP". Baby powder blew out of a hole and powdered his below. Then, there was one more button that said "ATR". The man thought that the first two were nice, so he pushed the button. This one hurt so bad that he passed out.
When he woke up in hospital, he noticed that his Willie was missing. The lady that worked at the amusement park visited and asked if he pushed any of the buttons.
The man said, "I pushed all three of them. The first poured warm water on me, the second one shot powder on me, and something went wrong with the third one." "What does ATR mean?" asked the man.
The lady smiled and said that it meant "AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER."

MOANING ALL NIGHT

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.
The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!"

TIP TO TIP

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "Oh..My!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

BULL SHIT

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon after, he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

7 TIMES

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."
Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

HAPPINESS

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"
To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.
Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.
Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.
But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."
The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"
The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"