posted october 19, 2005 (11:00)
title: you're so vain, i bet you think this blog is about you

well, you're right. but this is not my blog. my blog is here. i don't want this website anymore except i spent all that time on the graphics and they are pretty and there's a list of links to words and friends websites i haven't figured out how to include on my blog. remember how i like to share horoscopes? well here's one. god, i want things to be different.

The Bottom Line
Build your intuitive senses by believing in yourself -- your gut won't let you down.

In Detail
An argument so ancient that you really can't remember the exact cause may be keeping you away from a loved one. Since neither of you seems willing to admit even partial responsibility for the initial event -- whatever it was -- the dispute could go down in the Guinness World Book as the most ridiculous argument that was never solved by two people who might otherwise have been friends forever. How about losing that infamous record in favor of thinking about all the good times?

DREAMING OF YOU
(J. Ferguson/Sloan)
You, I wish I knew you better
Then again I can wait 'till next September
Slowly buying time
These conditions make me restless
Then again I admit that this will test us
'Cuz everywhere now
I can see the number one followed by the nine
I wonder if a year or two will matter because I'm...

Dreaming of you, all day
Hardly seems appropriate
Just drifting through, all day
No one seems to notice it

You, I dreamt the seven towers
Were slowly falling down
And in the last remaining hours
Still everywhere now
I could see the number one followed by the nine
Just this once I think that I might cast the rules aside

Dreaming of you, all day
Hardly seems appropriate
Just drifting through, all day
No one seems to notice it

Everyone's behind us
We don't dare lead the blindest
Still the promise of the victory
Eliminates stakes against me

Dreaming of you, all day
Hardly seems appropriate
Just drifting through, all day
No one seems to notice it

You, I wish I knew you better

posted august 16, 2005 (12:00)
title: the more things change, the more they stay the same

rant: so i see it's been over one year since i posted a rant or rave. amazing how time flies. i'm posting now to inform any random readers that i actually have a blog: http://bluestockingism.blogspot.com.

but i'll still maintain wendybuckwild, just not the rant and raves section. blogging allows people to comment and also when i created the blog it helped me to focus a little and i like writing about things other than my feelings...which is all this page was really about. i will be adding the womb tales section of buckwild just as soon as i find a day to sit down and think exclusively about my reproductive rights. i'll also be refining the pop culture page to collect wendy-nalia, i.e. every known reference to my moniker in popular culture.

bit o' trivia - the expression "the more things change, the more they stay the same" comes from the french expression "Plus ça change, plus c'est la même", first penned by writer philosopher alphonse karr. interestingly enough, when i was trying to pull the source for the phrase, which is oft used but rarely cited, i came across this superintendent's webpage, i'm sure he's a very nice fellow but he has degrees from harvard and yale and he's misattributed the quote to seymour sarason. i can think of a few more expressions to use about that.

rave: this seems a fine time to contemplate the past year, albeit very briefly. what can i say but plus ça change, plus c'est la même! twelve months have passed and i'm still interested in the origins of words, i'm still not pleased with the politics of my country, i'm still saddened by the perceived apathy of my peers, i still miss someone who used to read this website, i'm still an idealist and an optimist, and i still enjoy my work but i'm still looking for something new to capture my passion and intellect. i still want to move but i'm still making the best of it for now. oh, one thing is new... i have a cat:

he's a real sweetheart and a loyal bathroom companion in the mornings. nice tidbit - my yahoo launch radio station is playing the scorpions' "wind of change" as i put the finishing touches on this entry. that's motivating.

posted august 10, 2004 (15:00)
title: burn, baby, burn

rave: librarians receive a shoutout in these times. and just as a heads up, banned books week will be september 25-october 2 for 2004. i'm real sadlike that i missed clinton last night on the daily show and i won't be home at 5 to watch the repeat. but i remain optimistic that it will appear online soon. in not so shocking news, jokely shared this with me this morning, canadians support kerry. wow. canadians also, it appears, have the best cities to live in. go canada.

rant: a big fat "told you so!" to charlie's ale house of andersonville. i go to charlie's fairly often for their fine homestyle fixings, and because they are pretty close to my house, and because they serve s'mores. or they used to. the last time i went in for this oh-so-tasty treat, i think it was in june, i was informed that they removed s'mores from the menu. "forever!?" i asked, only to be informed by a clearly ignorant person that "no, just for the summer, it is a seasonal item." ... hmmm .... ok... you, reader, see the problem here, don't you? exactly what season would you think s'mores would fall under as they are traditionally prepared over a campfire? now all we north americans tend to camp in winter don't we? oh yes charlie's, you're making perfect sense. but today i have further support for my assertion that they must rethink the seasonality of s'mores. today is national s'mores day! officially. i suggest you join me in writing charlie's to bring back the s'more all year round. and we can also suggest they get on email. mmm toasty. i did have s'mores today to honour the holiday, but i had to go to cosi.

posted august 9, 2004 (16:00)
title: scratch 'n' sniff

rave: tomorrow night we'll be seeing invasion of the body snatchers for movies in the park. it's the one i've most been looking forward to. and all the regular perks of games, good people, cheese, chicken and wine. i'm enjoying my sporadic use of vacation days, although it's been a bit of a struggle not to do work.

rant: i have a fair number of bites on my body from digging in a pile of mulch on saturday morning. i helped to put mulch beds around oak saplings in the burnham nature center through chicago cares. felt good to do my part, but it was a very early morning and now i'm itchy. and to be honest, i don't even think i like prairie landscape, this here's a woodland gal. speaking of itching, my dearest jpb had an allergic reaction to antibiotics last night, keep track of her trials and tribulations at the organ grinder (voted the most informative blog of 2004, by me).

rumination: this isn't particularly thoughtful, and i did hope to reserve the "ruminations" for my deepest thoughts. frankly, i'm just not sure how i feel about this bit o' news. i've started my application for graduate school. yes, finally, after years of proclaiming my intentions toward higher education, i'm committing. or at least i hope to. please encourage me, for i am experiencing a great deal of anxiety. what if i've become dumb in the last 5 years? i think i used a comma correctly in that sentence back there, because there were two complete clauses and "for" is a conjunction just the same as "and", now isn't it. there's some hope. i think i'm most anxious about the statement of intent, because i don't really know very much about the program(s) to which i'm applying, but you go to school to learn, so that's okay...

posted august 4, 2004 (23:00)
title: breakin'...there's no stoppin' us!

rave: lockin' and poppin'! i went to see the neofuturists perform one of my favorite movies, breakin', tonight. great show kids. fabulously funny. and i ran into two people from college, because you know we knox folk are all so artsy we run into each other at theatre events all the time. one of those people went to library school with my favorite librarian, what a small wee world we live in. i'm glad i went and had a chance to see some old faces and laugh tonight, it was just what i needed.

rant: i had one of those days where you start to hate the whole world because you think you might just never please all of the people all of the time and damnit you're a humanist perfectionist. i did something at work today that in retrospect was not the most considerate and polite way of handling a situation, albeit justified, and the more i think about it the more i fret. not so much for the harm caused the individual who felt wronged but for the damage to my potential and credibility to do good for others. sometimes i get so sad at not being able to make everything better for everyone. i think it's the adult child in me. but my heart, they tell me, is mostly in the right place. when i got on the bus home, i started reading my book and found the following quote resonated. ok really i just want to quote gravity's rainbow since strangers keep seeming to imply i am a little girl reading such a big book! -- "but now and then, players in a game will, lull or crisis, be reminded how it is, after all, really play -- and be unable then to continue in the same spirit...nor need it be anything sudden, spectacular -- it may come in gentle--and regardless of the score, the number of watchers, their collective wish, penalties they or the leagues may impose, the player will, walking deliberately, perhaps with katje's own tough, young isolate's shrug and stride, say fuck it and quit the game, quit it cold..."

rumination: yes, a new section, it turns out my reactions to life can sometimes fall under shades of gray. tonight on my walk home down the well-trod clark street trail, i found my eyes drawn to my shadow. i suppose the fascination shouldn't be so surprising given my namesake. in the right light, you have three perfect shadows--one behind, one beside and one to follow. i find it comforting to watch the legs of the shadow walking ahead of me.

posted july 28, 2004 (24:00)
title: hope is on the way

rave: ignoring some of the horrible things in the world at large, my friend's illnesses and a recent bit of stupidness on my part, the little world around me seems pretty ok. shamala's new movie opens this weekend. the weather has been beyond belief for a chicago summer. and that might seem small, but no, it's really made my days. on tuesday we went to movies in the park and i took a nap under the stars surrounded by friends and a hundred strangers all gathered to relax in the grass. and the DNC keeps the airwaves filled with messages of hope and affirmation. i also heard tell the moon is in pisces, which accounts for everyone else's extreme sensitivity. that's not my observation, but jokely's. he insists everyone is uber-touchy right now. if indeed the moon's been in my house, well then world, welcome to my reality. let me get you a hankie and a hug. trust me, it's not so bad when you get used to it, this emotion thing, and it brings just as much happiness and potential for it as it does for sadness.

posted july 12, 2004 (14:00)
title: get me away from here

rant: at the final moment i cried, i always cry at endings. oo, that wasn't what i meant to say at all. from where i'm sitting, rain fallen against the lonely tenement has set my mind to wander into the windows of my lovers. they never know unless i write. this is no declaration, i just thought i'd let you know goodbye. said the hero in this story. it is mightier than swords. i could kill you, sure, but i could only make you cry with these words. ~belle and sebastian

posted july 10, 2004 (02:00)
title: the grass is always greener

rave: i walked home in the rain tonight. i wanted to write a poem about it but as usual find myself not quite inspired. i will try to capture something though. now.

at night when green leaves are etched purple by the orange glow of streetlights i remember hope. raindrops bring clarity. and refraction. each jeweled grassblade glints with potential. yet when grasping one i find i hold nothing, left wet and wanting. so i stare through alleyways washed in gold, worn thin and low down the middle, where water pools and flows like arteries. and the lowest bump and burrow in dumpsters searching for scraps of life.

rant: oh well. ok. back to a rave. yay? and, i like the flashing lights song "same old life". although i know you know. although i hear you say you're not thinking about tomorrow. although i know you know if something's not right you change it forever, or not at all. all your problems hang around. another comes up when you knock one down. it's the same old life in a different town.

posted june 22, 2004 (07:00)
title: and i ran, i ran so far away

rave: everyone. in my morbid way, i just can't take the trip into the wide blue yonder with such negativity down as my last written record. i love everyone and should i ne'er return from the friendly skies, hugs n kisses. see you on the flipside.

posted june 21, 2004 (17:00)
title: my job is done here ~trojan man

rant: ok, this is pointed and angry. if you know me and you have a penis, you might not want to read any further. i don't need to hurt your feelings just because mine are. i'm so sick of the internet today. first it infects our computers at work and then it highlights my problems with the opposite sex. let me extend my rage to video games as well. what the hell. where did reality go? where did flirtation, sex and emotional intimacy with real people in your very own living room, bedroom or kitchen go? i don't want to write another witty email to a male i don't even know ever again. i don't want someone i love to read about me on the internet and for me to know when they log into freaking friendster and yet not be able to actually talk to them because it's "not working out". i don't want someone i've recently started to like who's jaunting off to visit girls in other states and who seems afraid of my desires and emotions try to make polite small talk with me over instant messenger. i don't want any of this. i want a cute boy to just talk to me and get to know me, and like me, because i'm quite likable and i want them to pursue such liking through time spent face-to-face or maybe a nice package in the mail or a postcard or little notes left on my apartment door. my heart hurts for the world right now. i feel like all the single people in my age group are addled in the head, like we're being marketed to so much and there's so much artifice in the world of dating and sex and love we can't possibly get it right. and another thing, have personal ads and their format driven us to all evaluating mates on what things we like (read things we buy), the books and music and movies and five things we can't live without? or is that really that important and we all care so much about STUFF. grrrrrrrrrr. and i'm sorry, my heart just hurts for me i think. but really, what is with that video game. it's stupid. i'm not objecting because of the idiotic use of female nudity and sexual pandering but i'm tired of the ridiculousness of sexuality being used to sell shit. and that's the only mind being paid by the people making it, the money they'll be making from it. and everyone who objects is labeled a prude and yet it's just so fucking asinine. isn't it?

and this, something's bothering me about that picture on the left. i am admittedly oversensitive at the moment. but i just want to scream, "if you look at enough pictures like this boy, you might never need to use the condom tucked into her dainty lil pink panties. if the industry has it's way you'll get so desensitized to perfected images of female beauty that you might not meet any real girls you want to fuck, oh wait you will, but you'll have developed a few issues and real girls are so demanding so why should you deal with those issues when you can just go back to the trusty internet, videotapes and magazines that saw you through so many good years and you can get your jollies without all those unnecessary pressures of pleasing another person or worrying about her feelings. i mean really! why would you go to all the bother. it's not like it matters, you can talk to real girls in far away places over the internet so it's almost the same thing. and maybe when you get old and need someone to cook and clean for you and listen to your problems you can marry one of them, just because you need to. and then if your dick still doesn't work, there's always viagra. and beer, and sports and hot cars...those will all help you with the younger ladies when the wifey gets dull. all you have to do is buy [into] these things, and they will come."

dear reader, if anything i have written offends you. hmm, yeah i don't care. it's probably not me that you are angry at, the anger is just a natural emotional response to any feelings of shame or guilt my tirade has evoked. not that it needs to. i don't want people to feel bad. i just want them to feel and figure it out on their own. and i want someone to care, about me mostly. just me right now, then you can start worrying about the rest of the world and all the shit in it.

i know i am being unfair to men. i diagnosed this this morning. why boys suck so much and why girls do not. it is because i am heterosexual. i trust girls and their intentions toward me. i can generally assume the best possible motivation behind their actions. this is not the case with males. only rare ones do i believe i can trust to care for me and to feel satisfied with the level and nature of their care. it is because i want to mate with them (some of them, not as many as i wish, that would make things easier) and some want to mate with me. i'm sorry for being unfair.

rave: this video. surprising i can find something to rave about. but i like it. and the song.

posted june 20, 2004 (24:00)
title: kronos

rant: we have a virus at work and our network has gone bye-bye. the timing is wunderbar. i am definitely running away for a few days as soon as i get back in town and have the chance.

rave: daddy. ok i'm not entirely satisfied with my relationship with my father. especially when he insists on reminiscing about the times we snuck away for brats and ice cream without telling mommy and says stuff like "i miss you so much" and cries. clearly he misses the 4 year old that used to be me. i mean yeah, she was completely adorable, but she's no more. sigh. i still love him.

posted june 14, 2004 (19:00)
title: what's left and leaving

rant: bah to working 10-12 hour days all this week. friends, i shall see you again in july. til then, you are in my thoughts, may i remain in yours. food deliveries welcome, send to the american library association, care of me.

raves: i'm not particularly enthusiastic about much today. i suppose having my nose to the grindstone is to blame. i find myself strangely nostalgic for this time last year, when i was equally stressed and busy. but then, there was a vacation immediately on the horizon this time last year. what the heck..."my city's still breathing but barely it's true, through buildings gone missing like teeth. the sidewalks are watching me think about you, sparkled with broken glass. i'm back with scars to show, back with the streets i know will never take me anywhere but here. wait for the year to drown. spring forward fall back down. i'm trying not to wonder where you are. memory will rust and errode into lists of all that you gave me, blankets and matches this pain in my chest, the best parts of lonely." ~weakerthans

posted june 13, 2004 (21:00)
title: bang, bang, i am the warrior

rant: shootings in my neighborhood. first, tuesday night's and then one right on my corner on thursday. i think gun shots woke me up around three this morning. but i could have been dreaming, that active imagination and all.

rave: fergie from black-eyed peas was on kids incorporated. man, i used to love kids incorporated. right now, i kinda love paul rudd. jpb and i both want to marry him, we are going to have to jello-wrestle this out someday. perhaps this is why i have had you can't always get what you want in my head lately. perhaps not.

posted june 8, 2004 (24:00)
title: dream team

rave: i have new byline now. and in even better news, two people i love came across this article and mentioned it to me. this is good, not only was i overjoyed at entertaining them, but it is good that people read this publication. yay, apa all the way!

rant: i have to take the new bike back. it is too slow and heavy, in the meantime jpb has granted me access to the green machine. she rocks, but i'm going to be coveting this bike for a long time to come. green is my favorite color.

posted june 7, 2004 (23:00)
title: things that go jiggle in the night

rave: rave on to strange internet search results. i was looking for a book i own on amazon, a choose your own adventure called night of a thousand boyfriends, and when searching with the 1,000 in number format, i had some most interesting results. notable titles included kids who kill, hunting evil, 10,0000 dreams interpreted and the humane society of the united states complete guide to cat care. now that sounds like a real choose your own adventure! i admit, i clicked on a book entitled date like a man: what men know about dating and are afraid you'll find out. i'm a little annoyed that men are presumably always afraid of what i'll find out. and the reviews, while glowing, are not very encouraging. i'm also extremely perplexed as to why they all suggest that the end result of purchasing this book and dating "like a man" is marriage. but then again i suppose i have heard men are psychologically more in need of the marriage institution to survive. i must know more of this. someone buy this piece o crap for me.

rant: i wanted to ride my bike after work today. but i did not leave work until 8:30. sunset was at 8:24. my grand intentions foiled by a near 12 hour work day. i came home and ordered a calzone and checked out rock star bodies that rock on vh1. that made me feel so much better. thank goodness for bouncey and jello, the booty holds a mysterious power that keeps me happy, and keeps me shaking it.

posted june 6, 2004 (23:00)
title: give me a ride

rave: i have a new bike! it is blue, it has a bell that goes tink-a-tink and come tomorrow it will have a basket with a big flower.

rant: first, a little more raving...the weather today was sublime. just what every summer day should aspire to. however, i now have a painfully strong yearning to go camping--to spend my days hiking in the woods and swimming in a lake, and my evenings making s'mores on the campfire. the rant? i can't even consider a weekend away until july, i don't have a car or a tent, and saddest of all, i don't have a someone to curl up with in canvas confines. at least not at the moment.

posted june 2, 2004 (10:00)
title: hear my rebel yell

rave: in an apparent response to last night's melancholic musings (in the midnight hour, i cried more more more), my morning horoscope says: "You're freer than you realize. The heavy shackles of conventional thinking drop away. Now you're light and maneuverable. You fulfill your needs easily. You mean what you say. You might even stir things up for others. There's room in everyday life for the mystic and the ecstatic, and most people recognize something special about you. They appreciate that you can live your life beyond the boundaries and still find your place within the picture. It's a rare moment when rebels and visionaries are celebrated. Consider yourself lucky to be here." you hear that, people, i am a rebel and a visionary, you betta recognize...

rant: don't you dare look down your nose at me for posting my horoscopes on this website. it will happen, get used to it. i can be smart and crazy (and a rebel and a visionary, remember). for instance, i just used upbraided correctly in a sentence without thinking about it, then the person with whom i was speaking implied that they didn't know what upbraid means. of course, she could have been asking what the instance of upbraiding was, but no it is indeed a new word to her. she is in mensa. which means she is excited about knowing this new word and we are now discussing our favorite synonyms, so don't you dare look down your nose at her for not knowing upbraid previously, you hear!

posted june 1, 2004 (23:00)
title: sour grapes

rant: it's 11pm and almost time for bed. i'm watching quills on the good ol' IFC. as an avid reader of the marquis de sade, i've always been interested in discussing the movie with an equally well-versed soul. in the meantime, allow me to use it as a springboard for today's events of note. the film, in a perhaps incorrectly distilled fashion, could be said to boil down to a look at passions, good and bad...mostly those gone bad from repression-- control by holding down. it makes my heart hurt right now to think of the ways in which we bind ourselves and others. perhaps this is the root of my growing interest in prison history, the philosophy and architecture thereof. today on the bus ride home, a woman of at first unknown but certain insanity stepped on and stopped by another woman who had been sitting for some time toward the front of the bus. the standing woman, not yet revealed as being anything beyond perhaps lost, spoke to the seated one in mumbled tones, and at first i thought she might be asking for directions. i believe the woman seated did as well because she politely perked up and asked "excuse me". in my overly helpful fashion i tried to listen in to see if i could offer guidance, it was then that i caught the snippet of the standing woman saying "what is it with you brown people". the seated woman took it far more graciously than i and just shook her head til the woman moved on. a few minutes later, the woman yelled something about "it's been what, forty years, aren't you over it". she thankfully exited the bus after only a few stops. this made me sad, sad that a woman clearly out of her head would carry such random hate and sad that the woman seated had to hear such a thing when she was just trying to get home. guh.

rave: on a happier note, i am now feeding my addiction morning, noon and night--citrus sours. and in even better news, i do not have the herpes from making out with passerby's at jpb's birthday party last weekend; i merely have oral ulcerations from the number of sours and lemon ices consumed in recent days.