the why and the wherefore

i am an emotional person and love is very important to me. i feel no pressure to get married or have children, but i do have a deep desire to secure a life partner, or heck even a partner for right now. emphasis clearly on the "partner"--that is, someone who is my peer, someone interested in the same crimes of passion, and someone who wears a bandana and boots. the reasons for this need, perceived or otherwise, will most hopefully be laid bare below. i write down my love sagas to express both my pleasure and dissatisfaction with progress in this area to date. and besides, such pondering is a good refresher on social psychological theory.

preface and disclaimer

what will ensue on this page is my balanced attempt to pour out my heart and respect that tender organ in others. all rights reserved. the stories, characters, and incidents mentioned herein are entirely based in reality or my interpretation thereof. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead (i am happy to say that to the best of my knowledge every one is still alive), is intentional.

great expectations

i have to admit i spend way too much time thinking about love and i often wonder why i bother. the constant reflection doesn't exactly result in increased success, which is fine, i'd be happier if it just resulted in less hurt. but no i still find my tender heart bruised and i've caused some pain to others. crimety. i think i persist with all the dwelling because the importance of love in my life seems to be the twine that bundles me up into the person i am and keeps me whole. when i have someone to love i feel less in danger of scattering off in a million particles in the million directions i so often feel pulled. quaintly enough, it's the dickens that sums this up best for me. great expectations no less:

"that was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. but, it is the same with any life. imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."

"pip, dear old chap, life is made of ever so many partings welded together, as I may say, and one man's a blacksmith, and one's a whitesmith, and one's a goldsmith, and one's a coppersmith. diwisions among such must come, and must be met as they come."

historical perspective or "a history of my love affairs in 500 words or less"

age 3: rusty, an 18 yr old boy who had a brief stay in the group home for juvenile delinquent teenage boys run by my parents. major attractors: long-hair, his aunt and uncle owned a candy store, he played reo speedwagon and jenny 867-5309 on his guitar for me and i was just learning to count so number songs and songs with repetitive phrases especially appealed, did i say his aunt and uncle owned a candy store. don't worry, he didn't return my feelings. aftershocks: a post-pubescent fondness for long-haired boys who play guitar and ply me with candy, and my eternal love of reo speedwagon.

ages 12-18: if we ignore the various teen bop photo spreads taped to my wall, all my real life adolescent crushes seem in retrospective very shallowly motivated. they included: the first boy who commented on my new boobies (he said he liked to watch them jiggle when i ran during neighborhood-wide water fights); the first boy who i saw take his shirt off without him knowing i was watching...incidentally we worked together in a custard shoppe and i caught him changing before a shift; and an older man (like 23!) who worked with me at the holiday inn holidome--he threw me into the big sinks one time and hosed me down and i was hooked. of course he was married and drove a chevy pickup truck, but hey it was oshkosh, wisconsin and i was 17. aftershocks: can't get enough custard.

ages 18-27: a few more significant developments but in the end the aftershocks could be summed up simplest as hotdogs, philosophy, new order, camping, canada, words, video games, a sweet thought every now and then, a spot of tears every now and then, and egg n cheese bagel sandwiches.

well then, that was that.

how i can be lucky in love!

if you, too, want to know how to be lucky in love, might i suggest locating a copy of "every woman's luck book: what every woman needs to know to choose a husband" originally published in the UK in the 1930s but now easily available from www.iconbooks.co.uk.

the stars fortell your destiny!
good luck will never entirely desert me as i was born under the sign of pisces. even when clouds are heaviest, something will turn up at the last moment to lead me into better times again.

my character is curiously like two fishes swimming different ways, the symbol of my sign, for i have a rather dual nature. because of this, other people are often led into thinking that i lack decision, but this is not really one of my failings. it is simply that i have such a strong sense of duty towards others that one side of my character prompts me to act, sometimes, in a way which calls forth the disapproval of the other side.

it is important that i should live, as far as possible, in peaceful, happy surroundings for i am greatly impressed and influenced by the things about me and am subject to sudden "moodiness" and sometimes, even, fits of depression. fortunately, however, these do not last long and i am quick to gain fresh heart from any kind thought or action shown to me.

deeply fond of children and animals, i do not like to pass either in the street without stopping to talk to them, and in consequence they are usually exceptionally good in my care. i would make a good life partner for a man whose work was difficult or tiring, for i have that soothing influence that makes people feel they can relax and be at peace in my company.

i will be keen to learn all i can about the wonders of the world i live in, and i will be naturally fond of books and also of music.

i am very loyal to my friends, though i will only choose a few to whom i will reveal my inmost thoughts and dreams. whenever anyone is in trouble or difficulty, they will come to me, for i am intensely sympathetic and also have a deep understanding of human nature.

being a "water" child will account for my having a deep love of the sea and a longing to travel on it. then, too, though i am naturally peace-loving and slow to anger, when once my temper is roused, the "storm" is heavy. it does not take me long to get over it, however.

i will love nothing better than to have a home of my own and a little family to look after, and i should make a success of marriage because i am tactful, adaptable and grateful for the affection shown me.

mr. "right"
to choose the right life partner is most important for me, but if my choice falls on one born in scorpio i could not do better.

mr. "scorpio" will be kind and tolerant, and will understand and help to shake me out of my sudden little moods of depression. in fact he will act like a tonic on me. he, too, will share my ideal of being pals as well as husband and wife, and will appreciate all the little things i do for him.

both of us will take a deep interest in those who are sick, and we may be able to work together over this, for quite often scorpio men become doctors! at any rate i should find he will make a devoted husband and a good parent.

my second choice
it may happen that my sweetheart's birthday falls under the sign of cancer, the crab. if so, i will find that i have a great deal in common, though we may not get on so well as i would with the scorpio man.

i will find that there is much in my cancer sweetheart that i can admire, and this will please me, as i like to look up to, and be proud of, the man i marry.

he will share a love of books and music with me, and he also possesses the same love of the sea, so that if we were called upon to travel or make our home by it, we would both be quite happy over this. then, too, he will share my fondness for children and animals.

other sweethearts
i am not likely to get on quite so well with men of other birthdates, for they would not so easily be able to understand my "moodiness" at times, or to make a companion of me as much as i would wish. however, my understanding might well help me to overcome these little differences, so long as i am sure of my love.

and those, my dears, are the words to live by. i can also tell plenty about my love by the shape of his nose, his palm, his eyes, how he writes, the bumps on his head and what cards i pick out of the playing deck. what fun!