2002 (the pysco depressive year)

2002 (the pysco depressive year)

wait and bleed-An analysis of self harm

my twisted mind and words

r�p��sh�s p��ms

exit

FEBRUARY
Roses are red, Violets are blue.
A love so tender and so true.
Sent not to scare or bemuse.
Here is my valentine just for you.

MY BOX
A drawer overflowing,
A wardrobe filled,
A bookcase covered.

My life,
A circle, ever changing yet ever the same.

Fear of losing friends and family,
Pictures of an ever-growing graveyard.
Diaries of friendships lost and found.
A taped conversation.

Old lottery tickets,
A large cuddly bear,
An unused thermometer,
Rewards from old dares.

Pain and betrayal.
Old love letters kept,
A scar that remains.

Memories of holidays, with still more to come.
Photo's full of sand, sea and sun.

My life,
Love, hate, luck, fear.
A twisted silver ring.

APRIL

A love that's hidden,
A fear unlived.
Understanding of cowardice,
Suddenly appears as,
I sit and wonder what you'd say,
If you saw me looking your way.

JULY
LOVE...

Has many meanings,
Used in so many different ways.
We love our family above everything else,
They've always been there loving us.
Children love their friends and pets,
They cry when they die.
Once they've grown up they won't cry anymore.
They learn to expect pain. They accept death.
They start to search for true love,
That one person who is their perfect partner.
Who will always be there loving them.
Till death they do part.
Some find it,
Some think they have found it,
Some were born to live lonely.

AUGUST

I missed you.
Glad I'm back.
All doubt gone from my mind.
I still love you.
Known you only two months.
For two months known happiness.
You're not perfect,
No-one is.
Many things I'd change,
yet stiil those I love.
I wouldnt change you,
For all your oddities.
They make you,
Who you are.
The person I love.

SEPTEMBER

Time speeding past
Fear it might all disappear.
That the fairy tale will end.
Heavenly corrupting touch,
Risking all for one moment.
Wanting each moment,
To last a lifetime.
Wanting time to slow,
So we can be here,
Forever.

Feeling weird,
All confused.
Each first meeting,
Wondering why I love you.
Yet at each parting,
My heart breaks.
Scared.
Of this strange love,
The feelings,
That change constantly.
While never changing,
In the slightest.

OCTOBER

My world has turned upside down.
I, once scared of death,
Now yearn for it.
Trying to die
Wanting it all to end.
I, once scared of blood,
Scared of pain,
Too scared too touch a knife.
Now, I bleed,
Watch the crimson flood,
Flow over my hand,
And stain this page
I wait for it all to be over.
(8th)

FETISH QUEEN

I thought I could change,
he proved me wrong.
Tears of pleasure,Tears of pain.
I have betrayed,
The one I should lobe,
For a fetish angel
Who drinks my blood.
I am betrayed,
By my own lips.
Soon he will know.
And what then,
When his heart,
And mine,
Are broke?
Yet still I risk,
All my grace.
Just to feel my angels embrace.
His nails tearing at my spine,
As he tells me he is mine.
But if I'm caught,
When I'm caught,
When I fall from grace.
Can I live,
With the pain,
On my partners face?
(5th)

ROPEISHE
Beautiful fallen angel,
Holds close her friends,
Closer her enemies.
Deadly beauty,
Encased in black.
Hair of flowing dark copper,
Blue ice eyes,
Crimson stained lips.
Innocent child becomes,
a sadistic woman.
(18th)

PAIN
And what now,
His heart,
And mine,
Are broke?
I can't live,
Having seen,
The pain on my partners face.
(21st)

Arms weeping tears of blood.
Encased by bangles of flwing crimson,
From elbow to wrist.
Hurting inside my heart.
Wet pain-filled tears fall.
Instead of,
The wished for,
Dry,meaningless,salt tears,
That show a stone heart.
(23rd)

WAIT AND BLEED
(see link)

NOVEMBER
BLOOD LOVE
My heart weeps,
As she crys.
Put my arms around her.
Tell a lie,
To make it beter.
Tell her she wont die.
Cradle her gently,
As she sleeps.
Hope when she wakes,
She will live.
Her heart healed,
With my blood.
In the chalice,
Our blood combines,
As one.
Her life force and mine.
Kiss her gently as she sleeps,
Pray when she wakes,
She let's me live.
(1st)

SIGIL
Eye of Isis,
Ever watching.
Encases a star,
Five-pointed.
In the circle ever turning.
And at the heart,
Is a heart.
This all drawn to symbolise;
My new learned eyes,
Taking in my first circle,
Burying the memorie,
Deep inside,
My hidden heart.
(4th)

natural beauty,
ruined by man.
Man made beauty,
ruined by nature.
Natural beauty enhanced by man.
Manmade beauty enhanced by nature.
Man,
Nature,
Conflict and combine,
Exclude each other,
And join as one!
(9TH)

SCARRED
Numbness,
Emptyness,
Constant questioning.
A mind lost control.
A body suffering.
Memories form mental scars,
Eternally replaying.
Physically,
Redlines cross my arms,
Growing and multiplying,
As I play with the knife.
(13th)

SEX...
All a guy wants.So I believed, we are made to believe.
Craving to please him, make him stay forever.
Letting him take you that first time, Holdng back tears so he doesnt know, how he tears you up inside.
Relationship/One night stand.
What is the difference when the only bond left is physical? What you can give and he willingly takes.
Carrying onbecause you don't know how else to make him stay, because you dont know how to let him go.
Learning to enjoy it, crave it as he does.
Leave him now you realise thats the only reason you and he stay.
Promise yourself you wont let it happen again, you dont want to do it.Making yourself believe it.
Breaking that promise in one night.In that one night realising that the relationship you had before was no better than this one night.
Learn a lesson.Learn to wait for love, friendship and commitment.
Regret not waiting before,
Regret losing something you didnt know till now was special.
(13th)

LAMIA
Watch her cry,
Know she lies,
When she says all is well.
Pain inside,
Watching her die,
Slowly,
Killing herself.
Quickening her end
Wanting to save her,
Knowing I cant.
Wishing she would save herself.
Wishing she would,
yet knowing she wont,
Stop.
(13th)

WAITING FOR ANGEL CYPHER
See the cuts on her,
Blood flowing from them.
My blood replacing it.
The cuts are mine,
reflected in her eyes.
The tears in mine,
Reflecting her face,
as a million rainbows.
As we wait,
For him to arrive.
(13th)

heart break.
Knowing he doesnt care anymore,
he doesnt want me here.
Why do they all want to forget?
Why can I not forget him?
Why does it still hurt?
Feel the tears falling.
Hold them back.
Dont show him how he hurts me.
(13th)

2002
LOVE SONG
I never thought,
i could love again.
I never knew,
You were there.
Every waking moment,
Every dream at night.
Baby arent you tierd,
Running through my head all the time?
I never thought,
I'd write these songs again.
It's been so long since I felt like this.
I never knew,
My heart would thaw again,
How did you melt my heart?

A BINDING
Cut till they bleed,
His arm and mine.
Bind our blood.
Think the words,
That will stay his hand.
Prevent the curse,
Stay his love.
Bind him to me.
(18th)

He's here,
Surrounding me in love.
Cradling me gently.
Watching me sleep.
Feel his arms pull me close.
Turn to kiss him.
Realise that I'm alone,
He isn't there.
Wrap my arms around myself.
Pretend they're his.
Pretend everythings ok.
(18th)

LOVING LIES
Cry a tear,
Make it two.
To wash away my love for you.
It doesnt work,
So try again.
Provide an ocean t drown me, then
die from what,
We thought was love.
But is it love,
When it causes,
So much pain that turns to hate?
I hate myself,
I want to die.
And all because,
I had to lie.
Love is a lie.
(20th)

I love what you could be,
I love what we could be.
Yet I dont want us to be.

WHAT?
Half my life undecided.
Do tell?
Or do I lie?
Do I say?
If I say will they run,
Or will they stay?
Either way,
What will I lose?
What will they do?
What will they say?
(22nd)

TIME
Time passing,
Watch clock hands turn.
Seem to freeze,
As I stare.
Look away,
And Then they fly.
Time passing by.

Happy again.
Seems like years,
since I could smile,
Through the tears.
The pain has gone,
My heart can mend,
Now once again we are friends.
The circle complete,
Will ever turn,
Friends then lovers,
Then friends once more.
My tears have dried,
Your love shines through,
Now that I am happy too.
(25th)

Curl up,
Hide.
Hide in a mind,
That wants to betray.
Betrayt the trust,
Of partner, love and friend.
Swett lips that lure,
Green eyes that tempt.
Both held in an innocent face.
Pain in my arms,
Dreams of blood.
I hide,
Curl up,
Hide from my mind.
(27th)

The pain it grows,
& swells within.
I hide away,
from all my sin.
The fetish queen,
Who lived for lust.
Still has yet,
To regain your trust.
Yet still the pain inside controls,
The tears that break away, awol.
(28th)

SCHOOL
teacher stands at the front.
Explains the work.
Blank faces nod back,
Claim they understand.
All around the room,
Pens jot down notes.
Weaving on the loom of learning,
The paper cloth of knowledge.
To be worn on that final day,
When the exam over,
Those whose cloth was fine enough,
Who learned hard and well.may
Move on up,
Continue weaving,
Or earn from their learning,
Having passed.
(29th)

DECEMBER
GV�NNYV�R�
Child of innocence,
Locked in a devils form.
A sofet heart,
Hidden behind a stone wall.
Peril to some,
Saviour to others.
Eternally blessed,
In self-imposed purgatory.
Only traced lines,
Reveal the pain within.
fair haired angel,
With a demons mind.
A fiend that trapped the seraph,
Stealing it's na�vity.
Leaving merely a shell behind.
The relics of a true heart.
(4th)

TRUTH
You say that you love me.
I say "I'm glad you're mine".
You look hurt.
I havent said,"I love you" this time.
I just have one question,
You have to answer true,
Before I can really know,
If I do love you.
You see I have this problem,
When it comes to love.
And if you ca please could you,
Tell me what is love?
Is it that happy feeling,
When you know that someone cares?
Or is it just something that you say,
When you want them in your bed?
I find that when I think of you,
I dont know what to say.
I miss your arms around me,
Every single day.
I want to say I love you,
But I want to know it's true.
I dont want to decieve myself.
Or decieve you too.
I never want to let you go,
I cry when your not here.
I hate it when i'm alone.
But most of all I fear;
Growing up and changing.
Falling out with you.
Saying that I love you then,
Finding it isnt true.
(6th)

INCOMPLETE AND CHEESY
I just wanted to tell you that I love you.
You send me giggly all the time.
Everynight I dream of you,
Happy cause you're mine.
I just wish they'd understand,
How much you mean to me.
You'd think that if they were my friends,
They'd be glad that I'm happy.
I wonder if you really know,
How much........(to be cntd)
(6th)

Sweet, gentle feeling.
A longing for your touch.
Trust and belief,
In your love for me,
My love returned.
Missing you,
When your not here.
The flying harshness of obsession,
Gone.
Replaced by,
The lasting sense of love.
Wanting to be able to see you,
Forever.
Wake up in your arms.
Able to tell you anytime,
That I care.

BLOOD MAP
I thought I could stop.
I was wrong.
The knife in my hand,
Seems to travel on its own.
Carving lines of hate,
Into my flesh.
I feel lost.
The blood is my map.
I am lonely.
The pain is my friend.
I am sad,
I feel like crap.
And yet I wont let it end.
I feel torn,
And scared.
When he is gone,
What then?
I will be alone.
With all my pain and fear.
With blood as my only friend.
Help!
The lines keep growing.
Form words.
I thought I could stop.
But the lines keep growing,
Now forming words.
I need help.
Form a map,
Of my feelings.
I'm lost,
lonely,
deserted.
The pain becomes my only friend.
Scared.
Scared of what I'm doing to myself.
The scars I will leave,
When I'm gone.
Scared of myself.
How do you make those who care believe you are ok,
When the scars inside wont mend,
So those on your skin keep growing?
They hurt like,hurt like hell.
(16th)

ANGEL
Given the confidence to believe again,
The confidence to try.
I stare & wonder if you care,
That I look away when you glance back.
There were many faces more beautiful,
But your mind caught my eye.
A crystal amoungst dew drops.
Unusual & different.
True beauty, A beautiful mind.
Someone to talk to.
A friend in need,
To a stranger you hardly knew.
Who now sits & wonders what you'd say,
If you caught her looking your way.
You gave me the confidence to believe again,
The confidence to try.
The chance to be myself,
Without having to lie.
You opened up a door,
To the world already there.
Lost the key & taught me,
Not to be so scared.
(17th)

DE LUNA
Betrayal,
Hurt,
Sadness.
Why didnt you tell me?
When you know I understand sp well?
Why, knowing I do too,
Did you leave her to tell?
It hurts so much,
To know I'm not trusted.
I return to depressions clutch.
Again I miss my knife.
(24TH)

IPPIE 52
Everything gets ripped away in the end,
Every reminder,
Every tie I had with you,
Is torn one by one.
My heart breaks again with each tie.
As it broke when I left,
Then when you left me.
I am torn to pieces,
By each memory,
As it is lost.
(25th)