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| My psycho depressive page other wise known as my diary... '...tempting fate between wrist and razor...' |
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| 31/10/02 Samhain. I should be happy. I have a loving bf who has put up with hell off me and still cares, good friends and a nice family. But I'm not. I have learnt to hate at least one person will be glad to hear me say that, but it means I've learnt to love. It hurts, and I will never change it. And my hearts desire?A friend who will never believe, never trust and never truly love again. Never hurt the people you care about you just get hurt in return. I want to hurt cause then I can cry. <something you can see and they can label> 1/11/02 A new month.Same me.Ropeishe is upset, angelcypher is upset and water monkey is upset.And me? well guess...yup you got it right I'm depressed too. I always love the wrong people too much,when they hurt I hurt. I want to make everything better but I cant i dont know how. I want to tell me love how I feel but they wont hear, they dont want to hear. My arms weep blood, As her eyes fill with salt tears, Both spill into the chalice, Become one. Sorry It is that time o the month when I curl up in the corner and attempt to OD on paracetamol! <Nothing left too love,too tired to hate,a lack of pain a lack of hope a lack of anything to say.> 3/11/02 Yey me happy today. Sos had a good day and am going for a photo shoot, that claire won in a comp, soon.YEY free makeover!!! Had a good weekend apart from friday night so hopefully will stay happy and have a good week. Bye for Now XXX 4/11/02 Me still ok. Skools normal jus' as boring as ever. Considering setting up my own coven. Not sure though-depends what akasha thinks and how many members I can get. 7/11/02 ARGH!!!!This website is now really pissing me off!!! Today is slowly getting worse. Not as bad as yesterday with the insults off Mark and being upset by Martin. Mind you I'm getting upset It's my own fault for learning how to love. But hey nm. Other problems...ummm well my usual sexuality one and now the fact i started cutting again and can't stop!The pain helps numb my feelings and the blood is so pretty! Ok I'll go now before I scare you too much...Bye D�v�l w�th th� �l��k dr�ss �n... Gv�nnyv�r� � T�mpt�ng f�t� b�tw��n wr�st �nd r�z�r � 8/11/02 Having a good day so far today (shhh dont tell anyone I said that or it might change!). What do you mean you think I'm insane? I am insane everyone knows that! ummm...ginger...sos got a ginger biccys here must resist!No failed, oh well, ill survive. Anyway as I was saying me happy, well enough of scaring you with my wierd very rare happy hyper mood I shall leave you to worry.Bye. P�rl��s �ng�l... Gv�NnYv�R� 11/11/02 remebrance day me happy today!!! had a really good weekend. Saturday night was great, well after I stopped sulking about the cold.And sunday was good too got to see stan, ste and martin. Think ste is my friend again but not sure. See how it goes. In ICT at the mo..drat teacher alert I'd better go do some work. oh well bye for now. P�rl��s �ng�l... Gv�NnYv�R� 12/11/02 Still happy! Whats wrong with me?I'm meant to be depressed!!! Absolutely shattered tho, dont seem to be able to sleep at the mo and when I do I have exhausting dreams. YAWN!!! Wonder if the teachers will notice if I fall asleep in lessons? Night P�rl��s �ng�l... Gv�NnYv�R� 13/11/02 Shame it's not a friday. :( Having a reasonable today, not good, not bad. Think I insulted Craig last bight by accident. I said if he lost 2 stone by the Feeder concert I'd pay for half his ticket. I didn't mean to upset him. I like him just as he is and to be honest I dont want him to change but I know he isnt happy with his weight and I now how that feels. I just want him to be happy with himself but I think he took it the wrong way. oops. Ropeishe has cut again and made herself sick 3 times last night. I want to help her, make her better but I dont know how. I dont know how to help and I cant get her to see a doctor. I dont know what to do and it hurts not being able to help. 14/11/02 Scared.I keep writing loads of poetry at the mo. Wrote 4 yesterday!!!!!!!! Something must be wrong! But I feel fine. I think I'm going insane! ARGH!!!! 15/11/02 bleurk!!!!Me feel ill! Yey goin out tonight! not allowed to be ill, must be able to go out!!! I think I'll go curl up in a corner with the strepsils! 18/11/02 Had brill weekend. Both Craig and angel cypher are getting way too clingy and protective of me. I'm getting scared!!!! 19/11/02 Ok today. Still ill. Miss craig. Oh dear I'm going soppy again! ARGH!!! Help. anyway, skool is same as norm (boring) and life is ok. 20/11/02 Having a crap but good day today. Falling out with bus drivers and forgetting to do hw constituting bad. Being chatted up online by a 20yearold american and find out I'm entitled to cheaper busfare changing it to a good day. Dont you love goths!!!!! 21/11/02 He hurts me and expects me to stay. Teaches me new lyrics and expects me not to use them. Makes me love and then expects me to stay, expects me not to hate!!! I hate love it hurts so much, not only but those i care about! I miss craig. :( 22/11/02 Today is ok. Well at least I'm ok. Havent cut for 3 days now!Yay! Not much more to say. Bex isnt in school. I'm very worried. A large selection of people appear to have found this site and I'm not quite sure how but nm. Oops better go finish my bio hw! bye 26/11/02 Nasty earache, bad earache!!!! Hate being ill!!!!!! hmm... better go to flute group, cant really be bothered. Pissed off-scott cant meet me today :(. yey leanne said she'll meet me for a coffee on thursday. mmmm...coffeeee.... *goes off into dream world* 27/11/02 still happy and in coffee day dream. Jeleousy and love are the two most horrible emotians. Love hurts you, and jeleousy makes you want to hurt others. There you go some philosophy for today. I shall return to my coffee daydream.......... 29/11/02 ok so didnt quite work out as I planned. I still dont know much more about her personally even if I do know alot about her friends. doesnt mean I'm gonna give up!!!!!!! anyway, life is ok except I'm a bit ill. cant wait for the weekend!!!!!! 3/12/02 Grade 7 flute yesterday. went quite badly. V.tired today and not v.well. shouldnt really be in school but nm. life in general ok well except I'm grounded for no particular reason, but again nm. Need coffee, in fact jus need sleep............... 5/12/02 Bleuk... not well v.sore throat but doc says I just have a cold despite the fact I've had it 3 weeks now!!!!!And tis getting worse. but I'm still in school. Miss craig, I love him so much. damn its bloody confusing. I wish craig and angel cypher would get on!!!! it hurts so much that they dont, means I cant see either as much as I want. I cant cope anymore, why cant they at least be nice about each other? 6/12/02 Having really crap day!!!!!!!! Feel ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really pissed off at everyone! and myself... feel crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9/12/02 Yey saw craigy yesterday. so happy. plus martin is being nice to him and apologised!!!!me even more happy. Only bad thing that has happened (apart from still being ill) is that aunty freda died yesterday. I'm trying to pretend it hasnt happened....... dont want to remember, why fi mummy? 11/12/02 I'm okish. fi-mummy's funeral is on saturday so I cant go due to concert and concert rehersal. not happy bout that. Today has been ok. at the moment I am wasting time cause I promised to walk down with Cat then my chemie lesson was cancelled so I have an hour to waste. 'Fun'. Hopeful see Martin and Bex in town after school. Missin craig but hey nm. hopefully he'll phone tonight. 11/12/02 Craig phoned twice. Arm hurts right hand is numb. Mummy tried to get blood out of my arm for a blood count. She failed twice, and then I almost fainted twice, which for me is rare. I still feel quite faint and ill. The 2 week record was broken.I'll try again when I feel ok again but theres no point trying when I'm messed up, just makes it worse. Why do things always end up like this with me?I'm scared I'm going to lose angel cypher as a friend, he doesnt seem to be able to cope round me. Whatever I do is wrong. He doesnt want me there and he doesnt want me to go. I dont want to go. he's my friend, I just wish everything was ok. And now Bex is blaming herself for the way angel cypher was yesterday. I know it's not her fault but she wont listen. I'm all messed up again. 13/12/02 I'm scared I'm gonna lose angelcypher as a friend. I wrote some stupid stuff when I was still angry,which is never sensible with me, and now I've hurt him. I dont know how to tell him I'm sorry and make him believe it. Craigs ok. Failed to phone Ste last night cos phone was taken all night after Martin phoned so sounds like I aint doing anything after MCR tonight, might try phoning later but ste's always on the net so cant get through. Pissed off, having another bad day. I wish I didnt bring my penknife to skool, it's too much of a temptation when things go wrong like getting screamed at by teachers. 16/11/02 Idlewild were great!!!!!!!! My first gig ever last night and it was brilliant. I went crowd surfing!!!! Yey! Anyway me on total high on life so happyyyyyy!!!! Oh great hint dele! jus as well I like both kinds of roses. yummm chocolate...... 17/12/02 Argh went skits last night. My hip is covered in fresh red lines and I made myself sick earlier on!opps... Whats happening to me? I'm meant to be getting better not worse! And then I went all paranoid on craigy and asked him if he really loved me or if he was just scared of being alone. I hate it when I go psycho. I need help i'm just to scared to ask, to scared to let my parents know I'm not ok. I cant tell them! They cant know! Keep a cool head. I need to remember that. Pretty good family motto actually, just wish I was better at keeping it!!!! Argh!!!!! Concert tonight! Panic Panic Panic!!!!! see blood map in poems....... 18/12/02 Me much better today. Oh dear craigy lost temper at cypher............ Concert went really really well.yey ^-^ Yawn!!! Neeed sleeep!!! 19/12/02 Seems a good day so far not to tempt fate but didnt do much work in chemie, and havent got anymore lessons today due to playing in the school carol service! Yey ^-^!!!! Me too happy and hyper for my own good! 20/12/02 Why cant those two just quit it??? They have messed me up again! Craigy and Martin keep hurting me with their arguements! If they dont stop it soon they are both going to lose me and for once I will carry it out, cos no matter how much i love them my life is more inportant than that. I deserve better than being torn to pieces by the people I love most and I cant cope much longer. 'tempting fate between wrist and razor blade' Oh plus it's messing bex up too and I will not put up with that, not off anyone! Why cant craig just not retaliate?Why cant martin not take it out on me? 6/1/03 Not fair. here i am back at school! and its my birthday in 2 days !!!!!!!!! Yey!!!!!! still havent worked out what to do yet but hey nm. nirvana. Found a cool new band called 'on thorns i lay', they are kinda greek goth metal and quite good.Dont ask, I think the impulse cd buying must be contagious!! holidays were good. Christmas was fun, new year was scary and everything else was pretty much normal. I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got the job at LHS leisure! money ! 7/1/03 My birthday tomorrow!yey! 8/1/03 Happy birthday to me!!!!! Yey! me hyper. got loads of really nice pressies &way too much chocolate! got some thermal gloves off granny and grandpa, and loads of cool stuff off my parents including a periodic table mug. Apparently it might snow today *crosses fingers*. 10/1/03 Stupid school has blocked gothic-classifieds!!!!!!!!!!!! 20/1/03 Whoever printed off my diary and handed it round lymm high I am really not impressed, especially since it was either martin and mark and which ever one it was they are lying by claiming twas other. hmmmm..... not particularly happy surprisingly enough. 21/1/03 Well it appears the guilty party is Mark. Well I hope he enjoys himself in the dungeoun...lol....:oD! Martin and I have patched things up, I suppose I'd probably better give him the new password for the interview not that he will write on it..... |
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