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The New Bob
World Guardian, PO Box OU812, Septic City, New Bob
Saturdee, Dec 27, 2003
COUNTY GUBMINT
IS HARRIN!!
Other stories...
POLITICS:
The Malarkey's pull a fast one
DRIVERS EDUCATION:
Lesson 5 - Pulling U-hauls through a graveyard
Sponsored by the Hank Williams 24-Hour Flee Market, Robo-Wash and Family Fun Zone
MARKETING:
Nigerian Email Association
ALL JOBS LISTED BELOW!!!
LEGAL NOTICE: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU MIGHTA RED IN THE PAPER, WE DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AND ARE EXTRY BIG ON EOE AND SO FORTH AND SO ON... BUT (AND THIS IS A BIG BUTT) WOMEN HOO WEAR A SHORT SKIRT AND A FRILLY LOW CUT BLOUSE TO THE INTERVIEW WILL HAVE THE EDGE.
ASSISTANT ASSOCIATE JUNIOR TRAINEE - LEVEL 1
This is a yew neek position what has unlimited potential leading to upper high-level easy-street-style managemint positions (like Ken Lay, Martha Stewart and some of them other rich folks like yew reed about in the paper). Must be able to carry five (5) 350 pound boxes full of large unmarked bills from a storage room in the basemint and set them up in the back of a dark green 1956 Studebaker pickup parked out by the back door.
FILING DATE:
Applications will be accepted until we git enough to keep the far a burning up threw the winter.
CANCELLATION CAN OCCUR AT ANYTIME WITHOUT NOTICE.
However, please keep sending in yore applications, and, if we git enough for this year, we will save them up for use next winter.
SALARY:
$100 - $75,137 per month, depending on qualifications; paid weakly.
QUALIFICATIONS:
Four (4) years of experience in a field appropriate to the assignmint. Current jail inmates and recent parolees all ways welcome. Tuesday is Ladies' Outreach Day.
ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS OF THE JOB:
� Oversees the preparation of a wide variety of technical reports and presentations; gives presentations to committees and advisory boreds.
� Hoses down the parking lot once every two (2) months.
� Chairs and participates in meetings and task forces; serves as Departmint representative with other departmints, organizations, agencies and the public in answering questions, explaining projeks and resolving complaints.
� Paints lines in the parking lot once every twelve (12) months.
� Prepares Requests for Proposal, hires consultants, negotiates and administers contracts/agreemints.
� Drives the company tow truck over to the competition's headquarters across town, picks up the vice president's Volvo and drops if off downtown somewhere, blocking a major intersection once every three (3) months.
� Sharpens the "do not back up" spikes in the executive parking lot once every twelve (12) months.
� Ensures proper collection of data from satellite stations and preparation of technical reports using a lot of big five-doller words.
� Participates in all company conference calls to stockholders and meetings with government regulators, shouting things like "Yew da man!" and "HOLY SMOKES is that guy a genius or what?!" repeatedly, on cue and in a loud reassuring voice. Successful candidate will be able to nod his head continuously in meetings for up to 45 minutes straight -- and without claiming workers' comp.
� Writes technical summary reports for submittal to high level department managers and polishes their apples.
� Puts a sign, something to the effect of "$500 CASH TAKES IT AWAY!" on the Volvo of the competition's vice president once every six (6) months.
Other Requiremints:
Successful applicant will enjoy baiting hooks, cleaning fish and will own boat and motor. Attach photo of boat and motor to application.
EVALUATION CRITERIA
Appraisal of training, education, experience, interests and personal hygiene. Also, applicants must attain a score of at least 75% on each phase of the examination process.
COMPETENCY AREAS
Please note the number of years of experience that yew possess in each of the following job related areas, as applicable. Include the number of years performing each competency in both a supervisory and non-supervisory capacity. Additionally, provide the name of the employer/agency where the experience was attained and how long yew worked there before yew got farred.
Competency Years of Experience
Please underline all of the following areas in which yew are competent:
Public Works, Contract Compliance Budget and Financial Managemint, Citizen Outreach, Human Resource Managemint, Staff Developmint, Workload Analysis Planning, Hiding Out in the Rest Room Reeding the Funny Papers, Administration of Engineering Consultants, Road Construction, Road Design, Road Maintenance, Transportation Planning, Traffic Engineering, Sanitary Landfill Operations, Hiding Out in the Break Room Reeding the Funny Papers, Sanitary Landfill Design, Sanitary Landfill Construction, Sanitary Landfill Closure
Now go back and CIRCLE all of the areas in which yew are incompetent. And now mark through any area that yew have no earthly idea what it means.
APPLICATION SUBMITTAL
Mail yore completed application and all required attachmints along with a check for $15 (make it out to "CASH") to the Personnel Director's PO Box. We also encourage that yew send in a "keep my application on top of the pile" check for $15 every month for a minimum of eight (8) years. Otherwise yore application goes straight into the round file.
Transporter to
2003 mane page
Space/time portal to 2002
Priceless archive, knowlige base and FAQ