MAN Vs. BEAST
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Last Update:  1/15/2003
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THE RECAPS
STORMSEEKER.COM RECAPS! Reality editor Gordon Pepper provides recaps of this show.


January 15, 2003
Lets be honest here.

Everyone is making fun of this show. All of the macho sports people are cracking jokes at this show. You will be watching the Bachelorette with your significant other, or you'll be watching some sports show with your buddies or you'll be hanging out tonight in the local bar. But lets be honest here.

You know, secretly, deep down inside, that you want to watch this show.

Even if you don't want to watch, you know that you want the results of this show, and you want to know what happens. You also know that if you talk about this show the next morning, or even if you ask around to know what happened, you will be looked upon as a pariah or a freak, and you will be put into that same class as someone who watches professional wrestling or celebrity boxing (because let's face it - tons of people watch this stuff, but no one will admit it).

That's what we're here for. It's OK. You can get all of the info here without being judged. Everyone is accepted here - except that guy in the bright lime green bell bottoms...well, ok, we'll accept him too.

So without further ado...

MAN VS. BEAST!!!!

(and FOX wants us all to remember that no animals (which were all monitored by the American Humane Association) were harmed in the making of this show and all of the events were supervised by animal trainers.)

Announcing the festivities (and doing the tale of the tape) is Michael Buffer.

First up - the eating contest:
Your Competitors:
From the humans - Takeru Kobayashi, a 134 pounder from Japan who's the world greatest professional eater.
VS.
a 1,089 pound Kodiac brown bear called The Alaskan Cruncher.

The contest? 50 grilled Nathan's hot dogs (6" by 3/4"). Whoever eats all 50 dogs first wins. The contest starts when the bear starts eating. No buns will be used. The 'multiple frank' rule (eating more than one dog at once) will be in effect. There will be an electrified fence between the competitors just in case the bear changes his mind and wants to eat Kobayashi instead.

Yes, Michael Buffer is announcing. 'Let's get reaaaady...to eat the meaaaaaat!'. I kid you not - he actually says that.

I don't believe that they are doing play-by-play on this. You have got to be kidding me. The bear takes an early lead, but he starts breaking, Kobayashi keeps going, while the bear starts and stops. I don't believe that I am doing play-by-play on this.

The bear is down to around 4 hot dogs left, and he starts looking at Kobayashi. Uh-oh. The bear finishes first and the Alaskan Cruncher is the winner and new world champion. 2:36 is the time. The bear gets all 50 down while Kobayashi only gets 31.5 down. Kobayashi wants a rematch, "if they do a second one of these'. I some how doubt it. Beasts = 1, Humans = 0.

Next up - a tug-of-war, where the competitors are on crates. 35 feet of rope are between them, and between them is a 4 foot deep pit of mud. Whoever pulls the opponent into the mud is the winner.

Your Competitors:
From the humans - Kitononami - A 5'10", 368 pound world class Sumo wrestler.
Vs.
A female Bornean Orangutan - 4', 180 pounds and 13 (21 in human years).

The sumo wrestler takes the early lead, but the orangutan uses her feet to grip the wall of the box. That makes her a mearly immovable object, and it's only a matter of time until Kitononami (which means 'Big Wave' in English) tires out and makes a nice sized wave of his own in the mud. Beasts = 2, Humans = 0.

Next up - track and field. The event is a 100 meter sprint.
Your Competitors:
From the humans - Shawn Crawford, a 24 year old olympic hopeful (11 time All-American) who calls himself 'The Cheetah Man'.
Vs.
Heat 1. - A 3000 pound, 12 Foot Giraffe
Heat 2. - A 600 Pound Zebra

Carl Lewis is doing commentary. Oh yeah, that will legitimize this. The road will be dirt, and the temperature is 46 degrees and dropping. The advantage goes to the giraffe.

In the first heat, Shawn Crawford blows past the giraffe and finally gets the humans on the scoreboard. The giraffe looks disinterested, and just trots over the finish line (Beasts = 2, Humans = 1). Shawns's time is 13 seconds (vs. around 30 seconds for the giraffe) - and he says he's conserving himself for the zebra. Again, I'm not making this up.

So we go to Mr. Lewis for a prediction on who is going to win the second match. He stays true to his species and goes with the human. Carl - 'He (Shawn) is the only one her who knows what's going on.' Soooo tempted to comment - but I won't.

Can the cheetah man capture the zebra and eat it for dinner? Nope. The zebra blows out Shawn the first time - but it was declared a false start, and we get a rematch. That just seems to piss off the zebra, as he blows Shawn out by an even bigger margin than the first time. Shawn's comments? 'What can I say? I got beat by a Zebra.' (who came in at 9.957 seconds). Beasts = 3, Humans = 1.

We'll next be doing some monkeying around on a military obstacle course. The course is similair to what you would see on Combat Missions - wall climb, rope swing, and other goodies, culminating in a sprint to the end. Pretty simple here - whoever crosses the finish line first, wins.

Your Competitors:
From the humans - Scott Helvenston (yes, THAT Scott Helvenston - the psycho from Mark Burnett's Combat Missions. How psycho was he? Relive Combat Missions by Clicking Here. Damn, where do they find all of these reality players from?) Just to remind everyone, Scott is 37, 5'10" and 170 pounds.
VS.
An African Chimpanzee - a 95 pounder.
Helvenston takes an early lead. The chimp tries to catch up, and it's pretty impressive the the chimp can do all of that stuff. But no civilized beast is a match for a human psychopath, and Helvenston gets the win. Of course, what does this tell you when one of the Homo Sapien wins is from a human who's incredibly primal? (Beasts = 3, Humans = 2).

Finally, it's an airplane drag. The first group to drag an 150 feet by 180 feet jet (which weighs over 250,000 pounds) across a line wins the match-up.

Your competitors:
From the Humans - 44 'Little people' (midgets, vertically challenged, etc.) led by captain Joe Geib.
Vs.
An Asian elephant, which weighs more than double the weight of the Little People combined.

Both the elephant and the little people get the planes moving at the same time. By far, this is the closest competition. The elephants inertia propels itself into the lead, and pulls the airplane past the finish line 7 seconds before the little people. (Beasts = 4, Humans = 2).

So that's it for this show, which reminds me of a car wreck. Absolutely no reason to watch whatsoever, but you're compelled to see it and you, in a perverted sort of way, are looking forward to seeing the next one - especially since the animals trashed the humans. Will there be another one? We'll have to see if the humans were more interested than some of the animals were.

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