Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, members of the Buffy Cross and Stake boards, or any of the many, many musical numbers ripped off herein. This fic is not for any sort of personal gain on my part. Please don't sue me.

Green Armadillo Board Fic Productions

And Holdouts Entertainment Present

It's a Musical Life

A Christmas Musical

Act 1

May 27th, 2003 (One week after the Buffy Finale)

*A darkened hallway*

Nikkikat shakes her head and looks around, confused. She walks slowly, unsteadily down the hall to a huge cast iron door, which she opens, stepping into an abandoned basement room. Suddenly, from behind her, Nikkikat hears an all-too-familiar menacing voice, and cringes, cowering down.

Agent Smith: You see, Mister Anderson...
Nikkikat: Uh, not named Anderson, and, like most people you call that, a girl.
Ruby2: I'm Anderson! It's ME I say!!!
Smith: *shakes head* Impetuous as always. But then, that IS your problem, Mister Anderson. It's a shame that I never learned how to exploit your lack of understanding of the fundamental truth....
*camera pans around Nikki, when walking around her from the other side emerges...*
Green Armadillo: Maybe it's the words getting in the way. Perhaps a song would help? How's this: *mockingly, sing-song like a child*

Don't even pout,
Don't even cry,
Cause all of you are going to DIE.
Your hope is gone,
Your chances absurd,
The end comes for you and your stupid board...."
*trails off as he wanders into the shadows, when who emerges but...*

1969 Gremlin: It was a simpler time back then. In my time, you wouldn't have lasted a moment. And now you think that, just because you've got these "friends", this "family", that you'll stand a chance? You know where they'll be when it hits the fan? *morphs to...*
Anthony: In my bed. Well, the cute girls anyway. But that's not the point. *turns into game face.... Anthgelus* If you can't trust a pretty face like mine then who ARE you going to trust? *morphs*
James Cameron: It doesn't take the King of the World to see where this is going. That tale I told about how there's no fate? Cheap popcorn flick for the masses. The TRUTH is that the end for you all IS written, and I couldn't have directed it better myself.....
Bravenet: You think you're so cool? Holding out against nothing? Even the Knights of Spoilerantium see it isn't worth showing up every week, and they're sure not the Coolest Chat in the Internet. Your show is over, and with that went your whole purpose. By the time we're done with you, you're going to wish you'd left while you had the chance.

Nikkikat: *stepping back, scared, stammering* From the spoiler board, it devours?
????: *in the shadows again* Not it.... *steps out into the light to reveal....
Spiffy, Da Wondersheep: Sheep.

Suddenly, Nikkikat wakes up, in a cold sweat and terrified. She remarks grimly....
Nikkikat: The First Spoiler.....

Nikkikat slowly, mournfully, and afraid, gets out of bed and heads off to check the board as music starts playing......

The Board of the Cross and Stake

("The House of the Rising Sun", Traditional, recorded by the Animals)

Nikkikat: There is a board, in cyberspace,
They call the Cross and Stake.
And it's been the ruin of many a plot twist,
It spoils every one.

My buddy was a 'shipper.
She needed to know more....
Of what was yet to happen to
Her fave ship on the show.

Now the only thing a spoiler whore needs,
are the wild feeds, every one!
The only time they'll be satisfied,
Is when new spoilers come.

So boardies, tell your children,
DON'T DO WHAT I HAVE DONE!
Spoil your show, in times of weakness,
On the board of the Cross and Stake.

Nikki walks to the front of Holdouts HQ, when suddenly she runs into Robin. Robin's notebook falls to the ground and notes scatter everywhere.
Nikki: Oh, I'm sorry, let me help you with...
Robin: NO! *quickly gathers and hides notes* These are... for a class... *turns red* And very boring, you wouldn't want to read, nope. What's with the long face, anyway?
Nikki: It's the First Spoiler.... it haunts me....
Robin: *frowns* Look, all of us were touched by TFS at one point. If we hadn't, we wouldn't be here. But the choice to move on is ours....
Nikki: Not for me. I was totally spoiled this time last year, and now I'm not, but it's so hard. It haunts me, Robin, it's got this hold on me....
Robin: Hm.... maybe you need a hobby... *notes a loose page she missed, snatches and hides it quick* Not that I have one or anything. But maybe it'll help distract you. Try going around the board, and see what people used to do when there were spoilers all the time. Now I've got to run and destroy the eviden... I mean go to class. Talk to you later, Nikki! *dashes off*
Nikki: Hm... wonder what that was...

Suddenly, a black car pulls up, and a black suited man jumps out, flashing an FBI badge.
Man: Miss, have you seen a notorious peddler of smut around here recently? She may have found out we were coming and fled...
Nikki: Not really, no. Sorry.
Man: CURSES! She evades us again! *gets back in car and drives off*

With that, Nikkikat wanders off onto the board until she comes across.... Bowen and McGonigleTwin.

Bowen: Hey Nikki!
McTwin: You're not after my penguins again, are you?
Nikki: *shakes head* No, no, I'm just having a pretty hard time.
McTwin: *expression softens, sympathetic* What's wrong?
Nikki: It's the First Spoiler. It's after me.....
Bowen: Poor Nikki....
McTwin: Maybe we can help?
Bowen: Uh... roommie? YOU were also spoiled back in the day, remember?
McTwin: Yeah, so?
The two Holdouts look at her skeptically.
McTwin: See, just because I read spoilers doesn't mean I didn't need a hand sometimes.
Nikki: Oh? Where did you turn then?
*music starts playing in the background as a spotlight focuses on McTwin*

Just the Two of Us

("Just the Two of Us", recorded by Dr. Evil in Austin Powers 2)

McGonigleTwin: From the moment I walked out,
On the brave new board,
I had my roomie here,
so I'd never be alone.
My roomie is there when I'm showin' all my feelings,
Two kitties and a Henson make it seem more appealing.
I get calls. From lost Vegas folks.
Bowen gave the number of our place you see.
Want a big board party
Just like my dear Best Friend.
To meet those crazy people,
would make me really glad.

*during the verse, Bowen's disapproving frown has softened, and she puts her arm around her roommie for the chorus*
McTwin and Bowen: Just the two of us,
We can make it if we try,
Just the two of us.
You and I.

Bowen: *steps away, gestures towards McTwin* Bonnie must think y'all are cool guys,
Gotta coax her out, make her stop in to say hi.
Be social! But with her roommie too.
Stay away from spoilers.
Or at least pretend to.
With all the penguins, see,
C'est la vie.
Life is fun with all these posts you see.
And so, Best Friend you are neat,
Roommie, you complete me.

*a large dance troupe of penguins tromps in for the chorus*
McTwin and Bowen: Just the two of us,
We can make it if we try,
Just the two of us.
You and I.

Nikki: *smiles* I guess that all has to help. Now if only it would help stop the dreams....
McTwin: You're getting dreams from The First Spoiler?
Bowen: Hm. That is a bit more serious than we thought. You might need help from someone who's been around longer than we have. You should try....

****Talia's Road House****

Nikkikat walks in and looks around the bar. Games, photos of homecomings, and various other board memorabilia decorate the walls. Boarders are hanging out, some drinking, and all pretty laid back.

Anthony: *walking up* Hey, pretty lady.
Nikkikat: Huh?
Xander's Woman: *slightly tipsy, from the bar* Give it up, she's not drunk enough yet.
Anthony: *sighs* Excuse my "friend" over there. Is there anything you need from this fine establishment?
Nikki: Oh, I'm looking for info on the First Spoiler....
Heather: Oh great. Another one of that silly Armadillo's Holdout things.
XW: Holdouts? Who the frick were they?
Anthony: The kids who gave up spoilers.
XW: Ah. I thought the show was over, so there weren't any more spoilers? I must not be drunk enough yet.
Anthony: Look here, little lady, I think you need to calm down, relax.
Nikki: No, you see....
Anthony: I've GOT it! Just the thing!

Anthony quick grabs Heather and XW, and consults with them. After a few moments....
XW: Oh, I'm DEFINITELY not drunk enough for that plan yet. *heads to the bar, orders a bunch of shots*
Anthony looks at Heather. Heather shakes her head. Anthony sighs and reaches into his bag, pulling out a few Ed Norton DVD's. Heather crosses her arms, frowns, and considers. Anthony sighs more deeply and reaches into the bag again, pulling out some Seth Green DVD's too. Heather nods slightly, pockets the DVDs, and walks up to Nikki as the music starts....

Drink with You (Avril Lavigne Medley)

("Complic8ted", "Skater Boi", and "I'm With You" by Ms. Lavigne, chorus to "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John)

Heather: Holdouts, what you waiting for?
Show's done, spoilers are no more,
And if you would only let it be, you would see.

I like posts like all the rest,
But this, Holdout thing's obsessed.
When your club is done it is no fun, you just'll look dumb!

Some other post,
What you'd like the most,
But not this same one,
Cause your job is done.
You're tryin' to look back,
Why won't you relax?
Your leader's not cool,
He went to Clown School you see?
Tell me!

Heather and Ant: Why'd you have to post and make life so complicated?

Ant: I see the way you're....

Heather and Ant: Holding out with no reason,
Makes you frustrated,

Heather: Times like this you...

Heather and Ant: And you fall,
And you call, And you post when you can,
But your reason is over.

Heather: Honestly, promise me this task is worth undertaking....

*tempo changes to the faster clip of "Skater Boi", as Heather joins XW at the bar*
Ant: I must say "boy",
What's up with you girl?
Why is this worth stressing for?
The board is still fun,
There's still things to do,
What more can I say?
I'd like to know,
If you'd really tell,
Why is this worthwhile?

It was a boarder club,
A silly old boarder club,
Why will you not let it just go?
It had a pretty run,
But now it's time is done,
So lay it to rest and join us now....

*suddenly, Xander's Woman shoves Ant out of the way and starts hollering to "I'm with you"*

XW: I'm standing in a bar,
And yet I'm still not drunk,
I thought that I'd be gone, by now.
Who runs this stupid place?
What are they serving up?
Why can't I get another round?

Isn't anyone trying to help me?
Get me booze so I can't stand?
It's past time, tonight!
How can I still have clear sight?
Won't you, take me by the hand,
Bring me something new,
I don't know what to drink,
But I'd drink with you.

*Heather, who has started to catch up with XW, shoves her out of the way, singing the chorus of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John*
Heather: Hold out no more, Armadillo!
You're just pizza on the highway!
Hold out no more Armadillo....

*XW drags Heather aside, the two confer for a minute, then break out in unison to the bridge from "I'm with you"...*
XW and Heather: Is Anthony trying to kill us?
Making us sing Avril songs?
Yeah, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! YEAH!

*Anthony sighs and takes back the mike, to the end of "I'm with you"*
Heather, XW, and Ant: It's been a long, cold night.
Haven't had enough drinking time.
Won't you, take me by the hand,
Bring me something new,
I don't know what to drink,
But I'd drink with you.
Drink with you.....

Nikkikat stares at the bunch, incredulous.
Heather: Did you need anything?
Nikki: *scared* The First Spoiler?
XW: Ask Socks.... she knowsh everything.... *bawls* I love you guys....
Nikkikat: *shakes her head, walks over to Sophie, Bagel, Ciara, and Talia to ask after SocKs* Uh, hey girls....
Bagel: SHHHH! USC has the ball! If we make too much noise, they won't be able to hear the snap count!
Sophie: *takes a quick drink, shakes her head* I don't quite understand your American excuse for football, but I AM sure that we're not going to bother them when we're not even in the stadium.
Talia: Anyway, you ARE going to have to change the channel in a few minutes when Alias comes on.
Bagel: *stops short, ponders this dreadful choice, can't make a decision and stares vacantly into space*
Ciara: Great, Talia, you've broken her will to live. AGAIN. And Alias isn't even on during Saturday football games.
Bagel: Why you!!! *tackles both Talia and Sophie*
Nikki: Uh... listen, I'm looking for someone....
Ciara: Are they in the dogpile? *gestures to the scuffle*
Nikki: I don't think so. I'm looking for Lady Chicken Porn..... SocKs.
Suddenly, dead silence reigns in the bar for a moment before....

Lady Chicken Porn

("Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera, Pink, L'il Kim and Mya from Moulin Rouge)

Talia: Hey sista, SocKs sista, Chicken Porn rocks, sista!
All: Hey sista Sock sista, rock sista, Sock sista (oh)
Hey sista Sock sista, rock sista, Sock sista

Bagel: We met Lady SocKs down in that old chat room,
Displaying her wallpaper fleet.
She says "Hello, you know, you got a chicken or two mo'?"

All: Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Cotton SocKs a latta ya ya (ooh yeah)

Sophie: Creole Lady Chicken Porn!

Sophie: Voulez-vous le chicken pornois, ce soir?
Voulez-vous le chicken porn, ya?

Bagel and Ciara: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Talia: We sat with Bagel while Socks chased the birds,
Took pictures with bras on our heads.

Bagel: HEY!!! Give those back!!! *tackles Talia*

Sophie: But SocKs she outdid all us....

All: Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Cotton SocKs a latta ya ya (ooh yeah)

Sophie: Creole Lady Chicken Porn!

Ciara pushes her way to the front of the pack for her big solo.

Ciara: We come through with the strippers and the party cake,
Let 'em know we got our way,
Straight up we say,
We Evil Gang women, some don't know the score,
I'm saying why waste my time, when I can waste yours?
Disagree? Well that's you and I’m sorry
I'ma keep posting kids down with OUR army,
High heeled shoes, being loud, maybe rude,
Four bad ass chicks from the Death Chat crew.

Talia and Bagel: Hey sistas, SocKs sistas
Chicken Porn rocks, sistas!

Ciara: We post threads with name calling faces,
Bad words, the meaning of our personal taste.

Sophie: Ya wanna gitchie, gitchie, ya ya (come on)
Cotton SocKs a latta.

Bagel: What?

Sophie: Creole Lady Chicken Porn!
One more time c’mon!

Talia: Chicken porn...
Bagel: Ooooooh....
Ciara: Chicken porn...
Talia: Ooooh, yeah!
Bagel: Chicken porn....
Ciara: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Sophie: You can't find a bird that she can't perv up!
Your fine feathered friends are not safe!
She's an X-rated footwear fiend....

All: More, more, MORE!!!
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da!
Bagel: yeah-ey!
All: Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here
Talia: Here!
All: Cotton SocKs a latta ya ya!
Ciara: Ooh yeah!
Sophie: Creole Lady Chicken Porn!

Sophie: Voulez-vous le chicken pornois, ce soir?
Voulez-vous le chicken porn, ya?
Ciara: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Talia: Talia.
Sophie: oh yeah ooh!
Bagel: B.
Talia: Death Chat Crew.
Ciara: Me.
Bagel: Hey hey uh uh uh uh uh uh uh...
Sophie: Nina.
Ciara: Oh oh ooooh!

Talia: Evil gang baby!
Sophie: Baby!
Ciara: Death chat crew.
Bagel: Chicken porn's here.

All: Creole Lady Chicken Porn... ooh yes!

Nikkikat: Well, she sounds somewhat knowledgeable. But would she know about The First Spoiler?
*a guitar starts plucking out the opening to....*

Spoiling my decision

("Losing My Religion" by REM)

SocKs: It's got spoilers,
It's bigger than you,
And bigger than me.
The lengths that it would go to,
The distance it can fly.
Oh no, I've read too much.
I set it up.

That's spoiler power.
Spoilers in the spot-light.
Spoiling my decision,
Trying to keep up with them.
And I don't know if I can do it.
Although I've read too much,
I haven't read enough.
I thought that I heard it laughing,
I thought I heard it sing.
I think I thought I saw it try...

Every whisper,
Every waking hour it,
Chooses revelations.
Try not to keep an eye on it.
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool.
Oh no I've read too much,
I set it up.

Consider this,
The hint of the show story,
Consider if,
The ship that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these plot ideas
Come flailing around
Now I've read, too much.
I thought that I heard it laughing,
I thought I heard it sing.
I think I thought I saw it try...

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

That's spoiler power.
Spoilers in the spot-light.
Spoiling my decision,
Trying to keep up with them.
And I don't know if I can do it.
Although I've read too much,
I haven't read enough.
I thought that I heard it laughing,
I thought I heard it sing.

But that was just a dream,
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream,
Just a dream, dream...

As the song ends, Nikkikat looks on, silent and scared.
SocKs: Look, TFS isn't good news. It can appear to be anyone who has ever been spoiled, which not incidentally means any of us. It can appear in your dreams and haunt you. But the one thing that it can't do is harm you. It's incorporeal, see. So don't be afraid of it, okay?
Nikki: Yeah, I suppose you're right. It's only a dream. Thanks!
Green Armadillo: That's right.
Nikki: Armadillo!
GA: *shakes his head before she can tackle-hug him* Sorry, Kat, got a bit of a cold that I wouldn't want to spread. But you've got it exactly right. It's always hard to face TFS but together.... *electric guitar riffs start playing in the background....*

Posting on a Board

("Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi)

Green Armadillo: Sheepy used to run the Holdouts.
Worked many different jobs,
The Man kept her down so tough,
So tough.
Robin writes the slash fic all day,
Many ships you would not,
Dream of pairing up, so wrong,
So wrong......

They say we've gotta hold out,
With what we've got.
With all of us together spoilers haven't got a shot.
We've got each other, and that's enough for us.
So take your best shot.

Oh! Holdouts are here!
OH! Posting on a board now,
Take our hands, HEY! we'll make it I swear,
OH! Posting on a board now,
Posting on a board!

Ruby is a doctor by day.
But when supper time comes,
She'll cook anyone that she can catch,
Can catch.
Spiked Kitty wants her blond thing today.
Just a little Spike,
Why does that always seem so tough? So tough....

They say we've gotta hold out,
With what we've got.
With all of us together spoilers haven't got a shot.
We've got each other, and that's enough for us.
So take your best shot.

Oh! Holdouts are here!
OH! Posting on a board now,
Take our hands, HEY! we'll make it I swear,
OH! Posting on a board now,
Posting on a board!

We say we're gonna hold out,
Ready or not!
First Spoiler's got no chance when HOLDOUT UNITE!!!!

Oh! Holdouts are here!
OH! Posting on a board now,
Take our hands, HEY! we'll make it I swear,
OH! Posting on a board now,
Posting on a board!

GA takes his bow and moves off quietly, rounding the corner with an evil grin on his face and walking up to the back door exit of the roadhouse.... and right through it. Moments later, Nikkikat comes after him.....

***** The back alley behind the bar, as Nikki leaves *****

Nikki: GA? I just wanted to say thanks... It's only a dream. It can't hurt me. Together we can fight it off. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Voice: Whoever said THAT rubbish never met ME.
Nikki looks up and turns up to see the alley is blocked off by... Digitalis, and the Knights of Spoilerantium.
Nikki: What do you want.....
Digi: To be perfectly honest, we want you. I mean, I know you've got the whole misguided Holdout thing going against you, but TFS itself sends you visions. It touches you, and it CHOSE you, which means that YOUR rightful place, girl, is as one of US.
Nikki: NO! How can you people live with yourselves?
Digi: How? *music starts playing*

I'm a Spoiler Girl

("I'm a Barbie Girl" by Aqua)

Digitalis: I'm a spoiler girl,
In a spoiler world.
With my Knight team.
We know all things!
I'll send Simon here,
Read wild feeds everywhere,
Who needs imagination,
Know what they'll be sayin'!

Knights: Come on Digi, let's go party!

Digi: I'm a leadership girl,
In a spoiler world.
If it's said on the show, I foresaw it!
SWR: We report what we know,
Get some stars we can show.
Watch our rank climb on up, then we party.
BBR: We report.
Know the fate.
Of everybody who's on the show!

Digitalis: I'm a spoiler girl,
In a spoiler world.
With my Knight team.
We know all things!
I'll send Simon here,
Read wild feeds everywhere,
Who needs imagination,
Know what they'll be sayin'!

Simon: I watch interview shows,
So that is how I know,
What the actors and writers are thinking.
Leoff: With my wild feed patrol,
That's how I see the show,
Very early in the Monday morning.
GG: We get ranks,
Color names.
And knight titles, cool stuff to show!

Digitalis: I'm a spoiler girl,
In a spoiler world.
With my Knight team.
We know all things!
I'll send Simon here,
Read wild feeds everywhere,
Who needs imagination,
Know what they'll be sayin'!

Nikki cries and runs off, blindly and desperate to escape, until finally she runs into someone very tall who catches her with uncanny deftness.

???: What's wrong, little girl?
*music*

Like a Board

("Like a Prayer" by Madonna, reprise of "Life's A Board" from "Once More, With Feeling Up", words by Green Armadillo, music by Joss Whedon)

Nikkikat: Life is a spoiler board,
And I feel I'm on my own,
Spoilers at every turn,
And I feel a.....lone.

Kuzibah: When you post our names,
Trapped on a spoiler board,
Down on your knees,
You feel there's no way out,
In your darkest hour,
Feel the spoiler's power,
Drawn to the post,
But know we'll help you here.

Grim: Like a child,
Spoilers seem scary for you,
They're in control,
Spoiled and wild,
Feel their power.
Don't be afraid,
Just like The Reaper dancing,
What you can't change,
You should accept.
Let the board sing!

Kuz and Grim:When you post our names,
Trapped on a spoiler board,
Down on your knees,
You feel there's no way out,
In your darkest hour,
Feel the spoiler's power,
Drawn to the post,
But know we'll help you here.

Kuz: Never alone,
This board will be there for you.
You cry for help,
And people come.
Like a family.
Just close your eyes.
I swear you won't be falling.
Our help you'll see,
Just stand with me.
Angel help us!

Kuz and Grim: When you post our names,
Trapped on a spoiler board,
Down on your knees,
You feel there's no way out,
In your darkest hour,
Feel the spoiler's power,
Drawn to the post,
But know we'll help you here.

*music slows, changes as in comes...*

Angel X: Life's a board,
And we all post our parts.
And when the season starts,
You choose with all your heart.
It's alright, if spoilers make you long,
Or hold-outs make you strong,
Your heart won't lead you wrong.
And we'll lead you....

*music swings back to Madonna...*

Angel, Kuz, and Grim: Home.
Just like a board,
Posting can take you there,
With all our friends around,
Lonliness can't be found.
Board is our home,
We'll never be alone!
Just like a board,
No choice your posts can take us here!

Kuz and Grim: When you post our names,
Trapped on a spoiler board,
Down on your knees,
You feel there's no way out,
In your darkest hour,
Feel the spoiler's power,
Drawn to the post,
But know we'll help you here.

Nikkikat: *encouraged* Life is a spoiler board,
But I'll never be alone,
Friends here at every turn,
And I feel at.....

All: Home.
Just like a board,
Posting can take you there,
With all our friends around,
Lonliness can't be found.
Board is our home,
We'll never be alone!
Just like a board,
No choice your posts can take us here!

Angel, Kuz, Grim: Just like a board, we'll bring you here!
Nikki: It's like a home to me!
Angel, Kuz, Grim: Just like a board, we'll bring you here!
Nikki: It's like a home to me!

As the music fades away and the group dances off, the camera pans around to reveal... Nathan Fillion, observing the group unseen with hands clenched in fists of rage.
Sheepy: *standing next to him, smugly smiling* Those bitcas.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Christmas Eve, 2003

*Nikkikat's Apartment*

Nikkikat is working on some pictures when suddenly the doorbell rings. She gets up and answers it, to come face to face with...

Sheepy: Hey Nikki!
Nikki: Sheeps! Long time no see. Come in, sit down. *the two walk into the living room* What's up?
Sheepy: Oh, the same old, you know. School, hanging out, slashfic, Nat'l Novel Writing Month after-hangover. Pretty busy. And that was BEFORE the holidays.
Nikki: Ah. Bet you're glad you're not running the Holdouts anymore then...
Sheepy: *chuckles* Ah yes, that overeager Armadillo.
Nikki: Well, he didn't want us to lose our support group at the same time we lost our favorite show....
Sheepy: *shakes head* You see, Nikki, I'll let you in on a little secret. I got out while the getting was good. There's just no future in holding out.
Nikki: I don't know. Some of us hold out against Angel spoilers. We've even got a contingent of former Knights of Spoilerantium holding out against various other life mayhem....
Sheepy: You don't understand.... Holding out was only worthwhile when there was something worth waiting for. Now that Buffy's over, everything is bound to be a disappointment.
Nikki: *upset* So... what would you do instead?
Sheepy: Quit.
Nikki: *silent, shocked, horrified*
Sheepy: It's just not worth letting your expectations get up only to be dashed. Find out what's going to happen now so that you can KNOW if it'll be worth your time. Give in to.... the Spoilers.
Nikki: You... you're not Sheepy.....
Sheepy: *sighs* Ah well, it was worth a shot. *grins evily*
Nikki: What do you want? Who are you?
Sheepy: *shakes head* So slow to figure it out. Well, come in boys, let's show her!

With that, Nathan Fillion and the cast of Firefly burst in the door bearing instruments. They start playing....

Sympathy for the Spoiler

("Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones)

Sheepy: Please allow me to introduce myself,
I'm the source of Spoiler bait.
From the mind of the Joss I come,
Drew, Fury, Greenwalt, Marti, Jane!

Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

I was around when poor Joyce died,
Foresaw Faith's fall from grace.
I shouted out, "They won't kill Kennedy!"
Magic addiction plot's a waste!

Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

When the WB would not let Earshot run,
I was there, with play by play!
When Riley left, when Willow's gay,
What's up with Dawnie, anyway?

Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

Then UPN let the sex scenes go,
People's clothes flying every way.
Two girlfriends die on the Hellmouth now,
Town collapses, seals its fate.

Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

Just as every fan is a spoiler whore,
Who just can't stand to wait!
As heads is tails, call me First Spoiler,
And I'll wear down your restraint!
So if you should meet me have courtesy,
Have some sympathy and taste!
Post what you know to the spoiler board,
Or I'll lay your show to waste!

Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name....

Sheepy and her band dance out, as she hollers back at the stunned Nikkikat....
Sheepy: Don't fool yourself, you ARE mine. You just don't admit it yet.....
Nikki: *sits in silence for a moment, then gets up sadly, packing up her stuff*

The Board of the Cross and Stake (Reprise)

("The House of the Rising Sun", Traditional, recorded by the Animals)

Nikkikat: I've got one hand on the keyboard.
The other on the mouse.
I'm going back, to the Cross and Stake,
To end my resistance...

Cause there is a board, in cyberspace,
They call the Cross and Stake.
And it's been the ruin of many a plot twist,
It spoils every one.

As she has been singing, Nikki has been packing a bag and heading into town, thinking perhaps to flee from the torment. There's a light coating of snow on the ground, and things are festive and full of holiday cheer, but she doesn't stop to look at any of it in her despair. She's about to walk into a crosswalk just after the light changed when suddenly a woman wearing a badge hollers....

Flan: STOP right there!
Nikki: *rubbing tears out of her eyes, confused* Oh... sorry officer.....
Flan: Where do you think you're going with THAT monstrosity?! *points to Nikki's luggage*
Nikki: Flannie?! *tackle hugs Flan*
Flan: There, there dear.... but this offense requires closer scrutiny. Girls?
*a beatbox starts playing as the three fashion police gather*
Nibs: I don't know, it's not so bad. Good for the fleeing town look.
Terpsi: Yeah, definitely got the vagrant thing going.
Flan: I suppose. I've just got this thing.
Terpsi: Oh, from that episode....
Nikki: Uh... huh?
Nibs: Might as well let the girl explain.....

Send that thing back!

("Baby got back" by Sir Mix-a-lot)

Flan: I hate big bags and I can not lie
Yo FP's cannot deny.
When a girl walks in with a pretty pretty face
And some huge thing in yo' face you say "Ugh"
Wanna throw it out
Cause you know that the fashion sucks
Deep in the dumpster, there-in
Is where that thing is is headin'
Oh, baby, I wanna get with you,
Take away yo' cred cards.
My FP's tried to warn me,
But with that bag you got
Me so angry!

Terpsi: Oooh, plaid is not in,
Not even in construction pants.
So tools, please, tools, please, but no mo' that average shirty

Flan: I've seen Wood fightin'
The hell with romancin'
He sweat, wet, get it goin' like....
*Terpsi, seeing where she's going with this line of thought, quickly tackles Flan to keep this song PG rated*

Nibs: I'm tired of fashion fiends,
Bad taste is not yo' thing,
Take the average show, there's something that
She gotta send back so,

Terpsi: Ladies?
Flan and Nibs: YEAH!
Terpsi: Ladies?
Flan and Nibs: YEAH!
Terpsi: Do those people know what bad taste is?
Flan and Nibs: HELL YEAH!
Terpsi: Then take it!
Flan and Nibs: Take it!
Terpsi: Take it!
Flan and Nibs: Take it!
Terpsi: Take that sucka back,

Terpsi: Take that thing back!
Nibs: Fashion police review yo' wardrobe)
All: Take that thing back!

Nibs: One day, they'll hire us, and the pain will stop.
Terpsi: A girl can dream.
Flan: Sorry about that all, Nikki. There's way more bad fashion sense around this time of year, and it's hard for us to keep up...
Nibs: So, what's got you so spooked that you're leaving town?
Nikki: I... oh... it's the First Spoiler.
Terpsi: Oh, that is a challenge.... hard to rate someone who can change clothing at will....
Nibs: But then, it's only fair to hold that kind of power to higher standards.
Flan: True.
Nikki: No, no.... it's just... every time I think I'm free of it, it comes again, more threatening than ever. It claims it owns me....
Nibs: Okay, while you ARE a fine choice in accessory, that is NOT cool.
Flan: Hey, look though. The Knights of Spoilerantium aren't really running around much anymore, and otherwise, who's going to do TFS' handiwork?
Nikki: The cast of Firefly.
Terpsi: Why? They seemed to have good fashion sense....
Nikki: I don't know.
Nibs: Well, maybe if you found out why you'd know what's going on. Have you checked the news for any Firefly developments?
Nikki: No, but I have an idea of whom to call....

*Headquarters, Tortoga Bay News Network*
As Nikki walks down the hall, she hears angry shouts.

Mo: NO! No, no, no! I am NOT wasting a day covering another holiday music show, I don't CARE if Billy Mack may be there! This is almost as bad as that time they sent me to film the pile of rubble that used to be the Old Man in the Mountain....
Crew Guy: Uh... well, it WAS the New Hampshire state mascot, and it did tragically collapse, as piles of rock sometimes do, prompting a state-wide star-studded tribute.....
Mo: OUT! *throws binders at the fleeing crew man* OUT!!!!
Nikki: Mo....?
Mo: You know what I need?
Nikki: A vacation?
Mo: No, no, no....

Mo walks in front of a blue screen used for the weather cast as Bagel, Sophie, and Talia walk on in evening gowns to stand posed behind him. Mo takes the mike, as the lights come down.....

Journalistic Respect

("Respect" by Aretha Franklin)

Mo: News you watch?
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: Baby, I shot it.
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: News you need?
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: You know I shot it.
And all I'm asking, is journalistic respect
Girls: Just a little bit.
Mo: Hey Baby!
Girls: Just a little bit.

Mo: Ain't no news hound,
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: Gonna stop me,
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: Got a story?
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: You know you want me.
And all I'm asking, is journalistic respect
Girls: Just a little bit.
Mo: Hey Baby
Girls: Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

Mo: I'm about to give you
All my footage
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: And I'm asking, in return honey,
Girls: Oooh!
Mo: Is to give me some proper news,
Give it to me baby....
Girls: Just a, just a, just a, just a,
Just a, just a, just a, just a,
Just a little bit.
Mo: Hey Baby
Girls: Just a little bit.

Mo: News like this is sweeter than honey,
I'll make it, if you pay me money
All I need for you to do for me,
Just a little Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, no more stupid rocks to see,
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, give me a real story!
Respect!
Girls: Sock it to me,
Sock it to me,
Sock it to me
Mo:Ah yeah yes,
Give me respect
Girls: Just a little bit
Mo: Hey baby,
Respect!

As the lights come back up to normal, Mo takes a few deep breaths and sighs.
Mo: Alright, I think I'm better now. What's up?
Nikkikat: Well, it's the First Spoiler. It seems to have enlisted the former cast of Firefly for some form of Evil. You hear anything about why?
Mo: Let's see... *logs into news workstation* After the show was unceremoniously cancelled so abruptly that Fox sent three bought and paid for episodes straight to DVD.... not that much. I mean, besides the two who crossed over into Buffy and Angel last year, and the DVD release, that's about all I've heard....
Nikki: Oh... *frowns*
Mo: HEY, waitaminute... *runs into the hallway, retrieves the binder he threw at the production assistant, reads* Among the guests schedulled to appear in this all-star extravaganza.... the cast of Firefly!
Nikki: Dear god.... we have to get in there!
Mo: Hm... maybe I've got a story after all....

*Backstage at the all-star X-Mas extravaganza*
Sheepy: Will someone explain to me why we're all holding hands? I WRITE Slash, I don't ACT in it....
Desi: *smirks at the Sheep* If we can all touch each other, we know the First Spoiler isn't amongst us....
BuhBuhRaven: Alright, what's the plan?
Robin: We've got to distract our way backstage so we can find out why the cast of Firefly are in league with evil.
Sheepy: Will someone explain to me why I don't get to be the one to nab Captain Hotpants?
Jade: I'm not sure kidnapping them will help turn them back to good.
Sheepy: That's what the mean Armadillo says every time he won't give me candy!
Woflram: *mock secretly passes Sheepy candy*
Sheepy: OOOOH! *munches candy happily*
Nikkikat: Alright. I'm going to go towards the dressing rooms to try and talk them out of being evil. Just make sure security doesn't catch you...
Woflram: Who, us? *hides candy behind his back innocently*

As Nikkikat walks off, the Holdouts mill around wondering what to do. Suddenly, the back door to the arena opens up, as a drunken Billy Mack attempts to stumble in.

BBR: You'll never take us alive! *slams the door*

BuhBuh gestures to the gang, who help him barricade it. They all breathe a sigh of relief. Suddenly, a page walks up.

Page: You guys are the band?
Cazadora: Band? No... not us, it must have been the guys we just locked.... er, I mean, of course we're supposed to be here.
Page: Funny. Which one of you is Mack? Oh well, I don't really care. Just give me your set-list.
Hazel: Uh... we don't really have a set-list...
Jade: Yeah, and we kinda forgot our instruments, so you'll have to let us go.
Page: Nice try. You know the accompaniment isn't played live. Just write down the songs you want and all you've gotta do is sing and look cool. You're on in FIVE MINUTES. *wanders off*
JAIT: What are we going to do?
Grim: I don't know, but I hate how they overplay all these Christmas tunes this time of year....
Ruby2: Yeah, but if we don't play, they'll know something's wrong.....
Sheepy: *munches on her candy, happily*

*The stage*

The Holdouts Christmas Medley

An old time favorite starts playing, as Wolfram takes center stage and mike for...

("Jingle Bell Rock", traditional)

Wolfram: Buffy board, Buffy board, Buffy board rock!
Buffy board sing, and Buffy board swing!
Posting, and chatting, and meeting up fun,
Now the Buffy board has begun!

Desi: Come to the
Buffy board,
Look on your screen,
Post things around the clooooock,
Post and a chat and a Buffy board sing!
That's the Buffy Board Rock......

*Backstage*

Nikkikat looks around for the Firefly cast when suddenly, she almost walks into/through...

Sheepy/TFS: You don't stand a chance, you know.
Nikki: I know it isn't you.
TFS: Watch me not care.
Nikki: Why are you doing this?
TFS: Let me think.... oh yeah, EVIL! *sticks tongue out*

*The Stage*

("All I want for Christmas is you" by Mariah Carey)

Robin: I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need.
I don't care if it's X-Rated,
I just want slash fic to see!
I want Xander here tonight,
Steaming up the sheets with Spike!
Make my wish come true!
All I want for Christmas, is slash!

Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas,
I don't need more fic awards!
I just want to see my Wesley,
In a three-some, there's a score!
Oh I just want some slash tonight,
Any pairing, that's alright!
Make my wish come true!
All I want for Christmas, is slash!

*Backstage*
TFS: Your friends are persistant, I'll give them that, but it's not going to matter.
Nikki: Why not?
TFS: The cast of Firefly believes you all stopped watching their show because you had spoilers.
Nikki: That's a lie! I'm not even spoiled!
TFS: It doesn't matter. I'll tell every cast that's ever had a show end that this was the reason and soon they'll ALL turn to me! And then, when my army is large enough, I'll become corporeal and take over the world!

*The Stage*

("Grandma got run over by a reindeer", traditional)

BBR: Hunter got run over by a reindeer,
Lost his title belt to Stone Cold Steve!
You could say Pro-Wrestling is just fiction,
But beating that man down I will believe!

*backstage*
Nikki: *pauses for a moment, incredulous* So you're the ultimate evil that has ever been, and your grand plan is to organize a giant beat down?
TFS: Uh.... maybe?
Nikki: And you just told me your evil plans for no real reason?
TFS: So you're be afraid!

("Rocking around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee)

Jade: Walking around,
The Christmas scene,
It's a happy holiday!
Angel wanted sun to rise,
But he got snow-fall instead!.

Just one of those Buffy/Angel moments,
Have you seen it?
Don't want new boys,
Just the first one,
Forever, that is the whole point!

*backstage*
TFS: It doesn't matter WHAT you think! You'll never win! As long as they believe me, you're sunk!
Silence for a moment, as Nikki breaks into a broad smile.
TFS: WHAT?!
Nikki: I know how we're going to win.
TFS: Well, that's nice. And it's the big finale. Come to center stage, show me what you've got!

*The Stage*
All take a really deep breath.

All the Holdouts: On the Twelvth Day of Christmas, Board Momma gave to me....
Robin: Twelve Slash-Fic Writers,
Desi: Eleven Boob-Smashing Huggers,
Cazadora: Ten slags a singing,
Sheepy: Nine Holdouts knitting,
Wolfram: Eight Angel Boarders,
Ruby2: Seven Daily Puzzles,
BBR: Six OTD's
Hazel: FIVE.... Who am I's!
JAIT: Four crazy trolls,
Jade: Three shippers,
Grim: Two Homecomings,
All: And a spoiler board on the web!

Suddenly, out walks Joss Whedon, wearing a Santa hat.
Joss: Bwahahahahaha! Now nothing can stop my plans to rule you all!
Hazel: Not so fast! We're on to you!!!
Joss: Huh?

You're a Mean One, TFS

("You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Burl Ives)

Ruby2: You're a mean one, TFS.
You really are a heel!
You will ruin all our episodes without missing a meal, TFS....
Hazel: *adjusts glasses, reads*: I wouldn't trust you with a.... OTD thread or a poll!

Cazadora: You're a trickster, TFS.
You make our will dissolve!
One minute we resolve that we will not read you at all, TFS....
Hazel: *adjusts glasses, reads*: Trying to ignore you makes me feel like... a seasick crocodile!

JAIT: You nauseate me, TFS.
Yeah, you really, really suck!
You tease us with a warning, linked to spoiler land galore, TFS....
Hazel: *adjusts glasses, reads*: I wouldn't click you with a.... thirty nine and a half foot pole!

Hazel: *adjusts glasses, reads*: The three words that best describe your effects are as follows, and I quote:
"Spoil. Ler. Whore."

Joss: *blinks, confused, then sighs* Just when I think *I* have got the craziest entrance. *throws his hat down on the floor, stomps on it, and storms off, tossing stuff backstage and generally indicating corporealness*
Ruby2: But if that was actually Joss, then who's.....

Joss Whedon/TFS: *calmly leaning on the side of the stage* That would be me
Caza: What do you want?
TFS: Aww.... nothing to hold out against anymore. Is that little mortal wound hurting you?
Nikkikat: No. It isn't.
TFS: Huh?
Nathan Fillion: *walks out next to Nikkikat* These people didn't give up on our shows because they read spoilers. They love us, spoiled or no. In fact, some love us a bit too well.... *attempts to shake off Robin and Sheepy, who are humping him*
Nikkikat: What we're all trying to say is that, spoiled or not, we're all together in this. Whatever we've chosen to hold out against, however we've chosen to fight it, it's that struggle that unites us and defines us. It's why you will never win.
TFS: Uh... er.... I don't suppose the facts that I've been around since the dawn of time, I know and see all, I can and will return at any time as any one of you, and that you've really only delivered a temporary setback to an immortal being with all the time in the world in any way diminishes your sense of triumph?
All: NO.
TFS: How about if I told you I could build really big bombs that either level buildings or else just go off and make a lot of noise without really hurting anyone by collapsing the underground chamber they're in?
All: Nope.
TFS: Darn. *disappears*

Audience: This has got to be the STRANGEST Christmas show ever.
Mo: Yeah, and I've got it all on tape! BWAHAHAHA!!!!!

BBR: Now what?
JAIT: I think a big finale would be the genre thing to do.
Caza: Poor GA.
GA: *walking up, taking the mike* Nah. This is my first real, not doppleganger me, big solo of this musical. *grins, as sleigh bells start ringing in the background*

Holdouts Are Coming to Town

("Santa Claus is Coming to Town", traditional, recorded by Bruce Springstein)

Green Armadillo: Oh you better hold out,
You'd best at least try!
You better not quit,
I'm telling you why.
The Holdout crew is coming to town.

I'm making a list,
A post that looks nice,
Titles for folks who didn't think twice,
The Holdout crew is coming to town.

You need not give up spoilers,
Show's over anyway,
We just stay here to party,
So just hold out for holding out's sake!
Grim: Better hold out for holding out's sake....

Green Armadillo: Oh you better hold out,
You'd best at least try!
You better not quit,
I'm telling you why.
The Holdout crew is coming to town.

*the brass section plays an instrumental interlude which leads to....*

All: The kids in Buffy board land,
We'll have a jubilee!
Join up, be in our stories,
Have a Holdout board party!

Green Armadillo: Oh you better hold out,
You'd best at least try!
You better not quit,
I'm telling you why.
The Holdout crew is coming....
Holdout crew is coming....
The Holdout crew is coming.... to town!

Sheepy looks plaintively at GA, who smiles, shakes his head, and slips her a candy cane.
GA: Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Fin

Track Listing:

ACT 1 (May 27th, 2003)

GA- First Spoiler’s Song
(Gentlemen’s Song, from “Hush”)
Nikkikat- The Board of the Cross and Stake
("The House of the Rising Sun", Traditional, recorded by the Animals)
Bowen and McGonigleTwin – Just the Two of Us
("Just the Two of Us", recorded by Dr. Evil in Austin Powers 2)
Heather, Anthony, and Xander's Woman – Drink With You (Avril Lavigne Medley)
("Complic8ted", "Skater Boi", and "I'm With You" by Ms. Lavigne, chorus to "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John)
Talia, Sophie, Ciara and Bagel - Lady Chicken Porn
("Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera, Pink, L'il Kim and Mya from Moulin Rouge)
SocKs – Spoiling My Decision
("Losing My Religion" by REM)
Green Armadillo – Posting on a Board
("Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi)
Digitalis and The Knights of Spoilerantium – I’m a Spoiler Girl
("I'm a Barbie Girl" by Aqua)
Nikkikat, Kuzibah, Grim and Angel X- Like a Board
("Like a Prayer" by Madonna, reprise of "Life's A Board" from "Once More, With Feeling Up", words by Green Armadillo, music by Joss Whedon)

ACT 2 (Christmas Eve, 2003)

Spiffy, da Wondersheep – Sympathy for the Spoiler
("Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones)
Nikkikat- The Board of the Cross and Stake, Reprise
("The House of the Rising Sun", Traditional, recorded by the Animals)
The Fashion Police – Send that thing back!
("Baby got back" by Sir Mix-a-lot)
Mo – Journalistic Respect
("Respect" by Aretha Franklin)
The Holdouts – The Holdouts Christmas Medley
A. Wolfram and Desi - Buffy Board Rock ("Jingle Bell Rock", traditional)
B. Robin – All I want for Christmas is Slash ("All I want for Christmas is you" by Mariah Carey)
C. BBR – Hunter got run over by a reindeer ("Grandma got run over by a reindeer", traditional)
D. Jade – Walking around the Christmas Scene - Amends ("Rocking around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee)
E. All – The Twelve Days of Holdouts
Ruby, Caza, JAIT, and Hazel – You’re a Mean One, TFS
("You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Burl Ives)
GA and Ensemble – Holdouts are Coming to Town
("Santa Claus is Coming to Town", traditional, recorded by Bruce Springstein)

Liner Notes:

About a year and a half ago, I set out to write a Buffy board musical. It was to be a lot like this one, with various folks I know singing pop numbers. I was thwarted in my attempt by a nefarious character named Joss Whedon, whose previous entry into the Buffy musical category was so addictive that I wound up instead re-doing the entire score of HIS musical, producing Once More, With Feeling Up. Anyways, it finally happened.

I started the current musical over the summer, and produced songs that make up the bulk of the first act, and some of the second act. Then my qualifiying exams hit, and I was way too busy to finish it. Now that the exams are over, it was time for the Holdouts X-Mas special. Be afraid. Moreover, I managed to fit in singing roles for all of the current members of the Holdouts roster. Be very afraid.

Anyways, I hope at least some of the songs I picked weren't so obscure as to make the songs incomprehensible. And apologies if I've made you sing something you really hate. I went with what was in my crazy little mind. Very very scary indeed.

Green Armadillo
December 18th, 2003

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