Mar_6_05

Saturday, March 26th

I feel so good today. I am resolved. Crisis over! Well, not over, but I know what I am going to do no matter what happens now. My mother visited me last night (she's dead btw), I hardly ever see her! I think this is the 3rd time. I feel her presence at times, but to SEE her...it is amazing :D I will quote as best I can, here is how the dream went:

I was in a void, I saw a greenish light which grew brighter. I thought to myself, "How odd", but I wasn't afraid, just curious (or some would call it stupid!). As I stood there I felt at peace, I felt full of happiness, no...wrong word...hmmm...I felt...FULL of something...hmmm, anyway...As the light became closer it began to take on form. It was my mom! MOMMY! I was overjoyed! She never has taken on form before, usually she is a column of white light, that doesn't speak, but I know what she is saying none the less. But she took on form! I could see her smiling face! She had on a green robe with a darker green corded belt. Green was my moms favorite color btw, and the color of her eyes. She laughed and hugged me telling me she missed me. "I miss you too" (crying). "Don't cry", "But I miss you, and I need you. I've had nothing but misery follow me every where I go since you left! I have a little black cloud that hangs over my head, I can see the word DESPAIR written on it". She laughed about my cloud, "I didn't chose to go, and I'm not really gone, I am all around you. You see me and yet you don't". "Well, whatever that means" I thought.

We sat down in the void across from each other. It was utterly dark (it being a void and all), but yet it seemed light at the same time...you know how dreams are. "I came because you kept talking to me earlier today, but you couldn't hear me when I was trying to talk to you. I can talk to you here, in this place, there is nothing to come between us. You kept asking me what I would do in your situation, so here I am to answer your question." She paused here and looked really sad. "I had a really hard time with you. You were always too smart for your own good...but you seemed laking in SENSE. You frightened me often with your wanderings and sense of no-fear. You had no patience, wanting everything right away, you had a low tolerence for frustration...if you couldn't get something to work you would yell at the object and sometimes break it." I guess I made some kind of weird face because she threw back her head and laughed, saying, "YES, he's just like you! NO, that doesn't make either of you crazy. Some people are just better at handling their emotions than others. You never learned how, I couldn't seem to teach you, and he hasn't learned either. I had to leave you, and I couldn't help you where I am now." She paused for a minute here and then said, "My sister didn't understand you, although she wanted to." I rolled my eyes, she scolded me, "Don't think bad of your aunt. She did the best she could for you. You have to put yourself in her place. You think she made you spend your own money on everything, but she gave alot to you as well. She couldn't treat you the same as her own child because your behavior was not the same as his, she couldn't trust you." I just hung my head in silence and let her continue.

"You were a difficult child, but I wouldn't have traded the 8 years we had together for anything. In you, a part of me goes on, and in my grandson. Do not give up on him, do not abandon him. Remember how you felt when I left. Do not do that to him. He needs a firm hand, but he needs to know you care too. You forget to show caring, even though it is because you care that you are as strict as you are. He doesn't understand, he is only a boy. He needs security, a firm hand and love. If your husband asks you to leave, he is not worth having. How can he not help mold this little boy? How can he think of throwing him out? Is he so lazy that he doesn't want to be a father and husband if he doesn't have to work at it? Parenting is not just having kids...you have to RAISE them...you have to GUIDE them. You have to MOLD them...you have to work at it. Do not send him to live with the other, he is a bad person. It will destroy him. He will have been abandoned by his mother and the only father he has ever known to a man with a black soul. You might as well toss him out with the garbage".

I just sat, looking at her, drinking her in. "Your husband may love you, but he doesn't need you. Your son loves you even though he doesn't show it, and more than that, he NEEDS you. He needs you to help him grow, he needs you to love him, he needs you to be firm with him. Nobody else on this world needs you except him. You are his mother, you will do what you have to do. If you have to start over, you will pick yourself up and start over. You will not cry, you WILL be strong and carry on. You have too, you have no choice. You do what it takes to help your son. He needs you more now than ever."

I was crying by this point, saying that I was a failure as a mother, she smiled and shook her head. "Everything happens for a reason, you know this. You both have strong spirits and end the end you will each make eachother stronger. You will need each other in what lies ahead". Great...what the hell else is coming? Can it get any worse? Apparently so....I don't want to think about that. I DO believe that everything happens for a reason, but AHHHHHHHHHH...it's soooo hard.
I dread to think of trying to find a new job with hours and pay that are what I need. I dread trying to find a new place to live. I dread PACKING. I dread what is ahead for my son...the feelings of sadness and self-hatred he already feels will only become worse if we have to leave because of him. He is a smart child...he will figure it out. But hopefully, the new meds will work and we won't be going anywhere.

My mom gave me another hug, I didn't want to let her go, I wanted to pull her back into the world with me. As she drifted back she said, "Plant roots deep, plant your willows". Now...what the hell does that mean? I've been meaning to plant some willows on the property here, but if we leave....I can't. I sure as hell can't plant trees if I move someplace and rent....

Anyway, that was a long ass thing to type, although the visit was only about 5 minutes. So, I've decided (with my mothers input)....I will NOT abandon my child, I'm embarrassed to even admit I thought about taking him to his birth fathers. But I am only human, and I make mistakes like everyone else...although that would have been a BIG one. Zack will go on his new medication. If if doesn't help then we have the summer to pack, find a new place and a new life. I harbor no ill will towards my husband. I understand that he doesn't want to have to "police" his own family, and I understand that after a rough life in the military all he wants is peace at the one place he should have it, at home. He is obviously getting weak in his old age and is not strong enough to handle it. I however will be strong. I am the oak tree that the flood flows around and can not unearth. My roots go DEEP.