My dad always does what my mom tells him. I even heard him scraping the bowl.
After awhile I heard a clunk and a crash and the whole dining room table fell over. I went downstairs and they were both flopped over on the floor, like totally dead. It was pretty weird.
I realized I better do something before my brother came home, because I didn't have enough pills to get rid of him too. Luckily we have a brand new garbage disposal, so I took a butcher knife and cut mom and dad into pieces and put them down the garbage. It took a long time, and it was kind of messy, but I kept singing all my favourite Green Day songs and it made the work easier.
The only trouble was, the bones wouldn't go down the garbage disposal, and now I was getting nervous, because my brother would be home any minute. I gathered up all the bones and carried them out the back and threw them over the fence to our neighbor's pitbull. He was so happy he didn't even bark at me.
Then my brother came home. "Where's mom and dad?" he asked.
"Uh, they went away to....uh...UTAH!"
"Utah! Why the hell would they go there?"
"Uh, I think they decided to become Mormons or something."
He looked at me kind of weird and went upstairs to look at his porno pictures. I went to my room and started packing my bags.
The next morning I was at the airport. My own private jet waiting for me there, and you know what, it was all painted GREEN, and on the side of it, it said "WELCOME ABOARD LAURIE L. ,GREEN DAY TOUR '90."
So I went on the plane. I was the only passenger! And all the stewardesses waited on me! And we listened to Green Day records all the way to Arizona, where the tour was going to start.
When I got there, there was a limo, a GREEN limo of course, waiting for me, and this guy wearing a top hat opened the door for me, and when I got in the backseat, THEY WERE THERE! All three of them, Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre!!! I was so excited I didn't even know where to sit, I mean I didn't know which one I wanted to sit next to first.
So I sat between Billie Joe and Tre and they both started talking to me, and I didn't know which one I liked best because they were both so nice, but then I decided I liked Billie Joe better because Tre kept trying to sing these rap songs that had lots of bad words in them. In fact, I was surprised they let him in the band, because I didn't think Green Day ever said swear words. Well, they did in that one song "Knowledge," but that's only written by that other band, Operation Ive, who I heard were a bunch of punk rockers.
Then, we went to a show at a place called "Hippycore" and there were all these with long hair standing around eating vegetables and stuff. It was kind of icky. But the worst thing was when I found out some OTHER bands were going to play too.
I got really mad and said, "Why can't Green Day just play for three hours. Why do you have to have all these other stupid bands?"
Everybody told me to be quiet and that the other bands were good too. But they weren't. I mean they weren't GREEN DAY. They didn't even have any songs that I could sing along to. So I kept yelling "BOOOO! YOU'RE TERRIBLE! WE WANT GREEN DAY!" until some punker girl told me to shut up or she would rearrange my hair with her her bottle opener.
I wondered if she was just trying to be friendly, but then I decided she wasn't, so I went outside to wait for my heroes. When when they finally played, it was worth everything. Billie sang every one of my favorite songs, and then, right in the middle of "Disappearing Boy," he stopped and said, "I'd like to dedicate this song to our special friend Laurie L., who came down from Pinole to be with us today. She's so beautiful and nice, gosh, I know if she was my girlfriend, I'd never disappear again."
That's when I fainted. When I woke up the show was over and they were packing up the equipment.
I said "Billie Joe, did you really mean what you said on stage?"
And he looked at me all sincere and said "You know it babe, but our love can never be, because I already belong to another. Besides your too young and innocent for the life of a rock and roll wife. Take my advice, go back to Pinole and finish high school, and some day you'll make some lucky man very happy."
"But Billie, I'd do anyting to be with you. I already did! I killed my parents just so I could be here with you tonight!!!"
But he just laughed and said, "You killed you parents huh? That's pretty cool."
Then we got in the Green Day tour bus to drive to Los Angeles. I was pretty excited because I had never been to Hollywood before. I had a map of all the movie star's houses and everything.