By Laurie L.
From the album Kerplunk
Dear Diary,
I still can't believe it!!! Me, Laurie L., the plainest most boring girl at Pinole Valley High School, the girl all the boys bark at when I walk by, the girl whose mother wouldn't let go to a New Kids On The Block concert because "there's often a bad element at those rock concerts, dear." I got to go to a 4 day tour with my total hearthrobs, GREEN DAY!!!
Little did I know when I entered that "Win a dream date with Green Day" contest in Tiger Beat Magazine (my lame-o brother calls it Puberty Beat, but what does he know, he's probably a homo anyway) that I, out of millions of Green Day fans in America would get picked!
The day the letter arrived was the happiest day of my life. But before I could get too excited, I realized i had a biiiig problem.... My parents!! I knew they'd never let me go off with a rock band for even one night, let alone four days. So for once I decided not to put up with their crap. I wasn't sure what to do, so at school the next day I went around to all the weirdos and asked them what THEY would do. See, I figured that people who have blue mohawks and only come to school when they feel like it and read these gross magazines with naked pictures in them must have figured out a way to handle their parents.
So I went to this guy Eggplant (boy, I feel sorry for him, his parents must have hated him for naming him something like that) and he looked at me like "You really want to go on tour with Green Day?"
And I said "Oh yeah, I'd DIE to go on tour with Green Day."
He looked at me kinda funny and said, "Yeah, but would you KILL?"
I thought he was joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at his beady little eyes piercing deep into my soul and I KNEW he wasn't. I thought, what the hell you only go round once, might as well go for it blah, blah, blah....
So I said in a kind of all hoarse voice and everything, "Yeah, I guess I would...."
And he said, "Then the one you should talk to is Claude."
OMIGOD!!!! Even I heard of Claude. He's so evil that he's practically...SATANIC!!!! He dropped out of school in eigth grade and all he ever does is take drugs and read wierd books and molest little girls. I was almost afraid to even look at him.
But I had gone too far to stop now. After school instead of going home I went to Telegraph Avenue in Berkely where all the scummy people hang out, and sure enough, there was Claude. He looked all perverted and he was smoking cigarettes and all these girls were standing around him like he wanted to do bad stuff to them.
But they got out of the way when they saw me coming, and Claude wasn't mean or dirty or anything. He was actually kind of nice.
He said, "My friend Eggplant tells me you have a problem."
I said, "Two problems actually. Two really big ones."
"Parents huh? This ought to take care of them."
He handed me a brown bottle it was full of pills."
"How many of these should I take?" I asked him.
He laughed kind of heh-heh like. "You don't take them. THEY do. Your parents."
"Oh no. My parents wouldn't take drugs. They're Christian scientists."
"You look like a smart girl I bet you can figure something out."
And you know what? He was right. I DID.
That night I offered to help my mother with the dinner. Then when she wasn't looking I emptied all of Claudes capsules into the mashed potatoes. Then I said I didn't feel like eating and went upstairs to listen to all my Green Day records five or six times.
After awhile, I stuck my head out the door.
"Yuck!" I heard my father saying. "These are the worst mashed potatoes I have ever tasted in my life!"
"Then cook your own goddam dinner you lazy scumbag. I'm not your slave." I was surprised. My mother didn't usually swear.
My dad said, "I'm not going to eat these. They taste like shit."
But my mother yelled at him, "You eat those potatoes or I'll dump them over your head and shove the dish up your ass."
"Shhh" he said, "Laurie will hear you."
"She's asleep the stupid little bitch. I swear, I don't know how our daughter could be such an idiot. I bet the babies got switched at the hospital."
"Now, now, she's just a bit slow."
Click to Continue....