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FADE IN:
EXT. DESERT - MORNING
NEIL, early 30s, drags a makeshift stretcher. He is near
death from lack of water.
STANLEY, early 30s, lies on the stretcher and appears to be
unconscious as Neil struggles in the desert heat.
NEIL
Hang in there, Stan.
When Neil isn't looking, Stanley sneaks a sip of water out of
a small bottle and then quickly hides the bottle down by his
side.
He plays dead as Neil looks around to see how he's doing.
NEIL
We're going to make it, Stan.
Neil looks up at a circling vulture.
NEIL
You hear that! No bird chow here,
pal!
Stanley sneaks a bite of a candy bar he has hidden in his
other hand.
Neil squints into the distance. He walks forward slowly
while staring at the same point on the horizon.
As he comes to the top of a small dune, he sees a lush oasis
nestled down into the desert. The grass is green, and there
are several lovely HAREM GIRLS splashing in a turquoise pond.
In shock, Neil drops the stretcher handles, and Stanley
slides backwards down the dune away from the oasis. Neil
doesn't seem to care.
A harem girl beckons to Neil.
HAREM GIRL
Welcome, brave one.
Neil stumbles forward to the edge of the pond. As he feels
the water between his toes, he comes to life and belly flops
into the pond, splashing water over the girls. They look at
each other and laugh gaily.
NEIL
Waaaaa-hooooooo! We're saved!
Yesssss. I told you we'd make it!
HAREM GIRL
You say "we"? The prophecy said
there would be only one. If you
are not alone, you must leave. We
await The One.
Neil looks around for any sign of Stanley.
NEIL
Oh, no no no no no. I am the one
you were waiting for. This
glorious sun must have baked my
brain.
HAREM GIRL
Then let the celebration begin!
All at once, there is LIVE DESERT MUSIC and dancing harem
girls surround Neil.
He frolics with them as they dance around the water.
He splashes around in the water, enjoying the feel of it in
his hair, cleaning the dust out of his pores. The pond water
begins to change color from a clear blue to a muddy brown.
As he climbs out of the water, HE CLEARS MUCUS FROM HIS
NOSTRILS by holding a finger against one nostril and puffing
air through the other nostril - a disgusting social blunder
that the dancing girls instead find hilarious.
The harem girl that spoke to him earlier comes close to him
and grabs his hand.
HAREM GIRL
Dance with me, o brave one.
Neil admires her attire, a close-fitting outfit decorated
with sequins. Each sequin has a miniature sword sticking out
from its center. Prickly.
NEIL
Sharp outfit.
The harem girl looks adoringly at Neil.
HAREM GIRL
So brave.
Gently, they embrace. Neil begins kissing the harem girl and
hugging her tighter until he starts to feel very sharp pains.
CLOSE-UP OF NEIL'S FACE WITH HIS TONGUE OUT - KISSING A
CACTUS!
Neil comes to the realization that the oasis, complete with
harem girls, is only a HALLUCINATION.
Neil releases his grip on the cactus, his arms falling
dejectedly to his side, while the stretcher with Stanley in
it rests on the desert sand behind him.
Neil's head droops.
NEIL
Just once. Why can't they be real.
As Neil comes to his senses, he realizes that he's standing
near a road looking at the faint outline of a building in the
distance.
Stanley whines.
STANLEY
Why'd you stop?
EXT. DESERT TOWN - DINER - MORNING
Neil and Stanley sit together on the curb outside the diner.
Neil drinks deeply from a monster-sized Gatorade jug.
NEIL
I can't believe you don't want any
of this.
STANLEY
No thanks.
(beat)
You know, Neil, when we were out in
the desert, miles away from any
help, I started thinking about life
and stuff. It was touch and go,
and I wasn't sure that you were
going to survive the strain of
pulling us out of there.
NEIL
It was excruciatingly painful, but
you would've done the same for me.
A large SUV pulls up into a parking space near them, and a
FAMILY OF FOUR exits the vehicle.
The family members - HUSBAND, WIFE, SON, and DAUGHTER - are
laughing and enjoying each other's company.
WIFE, wearing shorts and a tank top, is a real knockout who
obviously spends lots of time keeping her tanned body in
great shape.
STANLEY
Things could be worse: I could be
strung out and married to an old
bag with bratty kids and...
Stanley notices WIFE as she walks past with her family.
STANLEY
...a mortgage.
WIFE stops and bends forward in front of Stanley offering him
a camera:
WIFE
Would you mind taking a picture of
us?
Stanley fiddles with the camera then aims for the shot.
Uninvited but full of enthusiasm, Neil joins the family for
the picture. Standing arm-in-arm with wife and daughter, Neil
mugs for the impending photo.
STANLEY
Say "melons" on three. One. Two.
Three.
Neil and family wait, with frozen smiles becoming grotesque
grimaces, as Stanley ever so slowly snaps the picture.
AD-LIBS of thanks as Stanley hands the camera back.
The family of four enters the diner.
NEIL
Nice going, Liebowitz. Next time
move your finger away from the
lens.
STANLEY
Life mocks us, Neil. Did you see
that?
NEIL
All that smiley stuff was a façade;
the guy could hardly contain his
misery. Given the chance, I bet he
would gladly switch places with one
of us.
STANLEY
Which one?
(beat)
Look around, Neil, we're stranded
here with no connections.
NEIL
We knew this might happen when we
set out for adventure bringing only
the clothes on our backs.
STANLEY
We left miserable lives behind, but
at least we had some acquaintances
to measure our lives by.
NEIL
Can't argue with you there. The
mailman DID seem to visit our door
fairly regularly.
STANLEY
And don't forget the meter guy. He
used to say, "Hey man, how's it
going?" every time he dropped by to
read the meter.
NEIL
He WAS cool, but he was always in a
hurry. I wonder what he's up to
right now.
STANLEY
I can guarantee you this: he is not
out in the middle of the desert,
thinking about his pathetic life.
Watching people take pictures of
each other and realizing that
nobody wants to take his picture.
We've got no legacy, man.
NEIL
Stan, would you cut the negativity
crap! We just walked across the
desert with NO water, and survived.
Stanley looks down sheepishly. Something catches Neil's eye
as he looks across the road.
NEIL
Besides, I think I just solved your
legacy problem.
Neil walks across the road into a pawnshop.
INT. PAWN SHOP - MORNING
Neil gives some money to a cashier while Stanley tries to
grab his shoulder in restraint.
STANLEY
Come on, man. It's the last of our
money.
Neil holds up a used video camera.
NEIL
Look how far twenty bucks can go.
Look at this beauty. Water
resistant up to fifteen feet. Even
has a spare tape in a waterproof
pouch.
STANLEY
Back when we had real jobs we
could've bought six of those with
one weeks pay.
NEIL
You forgot tax.
STANLEY
OK, five then.
(beat)
That's our start-up money. You're
throwing our future away.
NEIL
I wish we could throw our future
away. Let something better take
its place. Time to move past that
entrepreneurial phase, Stan.
Owning our own little novelty store
was a nice dream, but the market
for trinkets just isn't there
anymore. Most folk buy their junk
online now.
STANLEY
Leave it to the internet to come
along and ruin our chance for
success.
Neil shoves the videocamera in Stanley's face.
NEIL
Maybe we can make a documentary of
our lives.
STANLEY
Yeah, we'll keep it "real".
NEIL
We'll record only the important
stuff. We don't want to waste
tape.
(to cashier)
What's the closest city?
EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - MORNING
Stanley and Neil hitchhike along a two-lane highway.
They goof around with the newly purchased video camera.
Stanley holds a cardboard sign that reads "Los[sic] Vegas".
A beat up CITRUS TRUCK full of fruit picks them up, and
Stanley and Neil pretend to play football with the fruit.
Neil tosses a melon towards Stanley and videotapes the action
with the other hand. As Stanley reaches for the melon, he
falls over the edge of the truck bed railing.
A freaked-out Neil runs to the edge and sees Stanley smiling
up at him, hanging on by one hand.
While Stanley climbs back up, Neil hides a melon under his
shirt.
Later, Stanley and Neil catch a ride in the open truck bed of
a 4 x 4 MONSTER TRUCK.
They play a game of DODGE-THE-18-WHEELER by sticking their
head and body over the left side of the truck and dodging the
oncoming 18-wheelers at the last possible second.
As Stanley records the action, Neil sticks his head out at
the wrong time: his head hits a passing trailer and explodes.
Neil's lifeless body falls into the truck bed.
Stanley runs over in shock and disbelief, and turns over the
seemingly headless body - only to find a healthy Neil with
his head tucked into his shirt and his upper body covered in
MELON RIND.
A short time later, the monster truck is stuck in a long line
of vehicles - road repair crews have narrowed the highway to
one lane ahead.
While waiting to move, a guy in a sporty convertible, sitting
behind the monster truck, flicks a cigarette into the truck
bed where it lands on Neil. Neil swipes it onto Stanley.
With difficulty, they manage to extinguish it.
A bemused Stanley and Neil stare down at convertible guy. He
laughs at them.
The driver of the monster truck, unaware of the cigarette
incident, grows impatient with the wait. He signals through
the cab window to Stanley and Neil that he wants to back up.
Stanley and Neil signal OK, and the monster truck rolls over
the convertible as the inconsiderate driver scrambles to
safety.
The monster truck heads out into the desert making its own
road.
While waiting for another ride, Stanley and Neil meet a
PRETTY GIRL who is also hitchhiking.
A VEHICLE stops to pick them up.
Stanley, Neil, and the pretty girl walk over to the passenger
side window. All three get in.
The vehicle goes thirty feet and then stops. Stanley and
Neil get out.
The vehicle takes off rudely in a swirl of dust.
INT. LAS VEGAS LUXURY HOTEL - PRIVATE ROOM - AFTERNOON
A garishly attired mob boss, DON FISHIONE, and a couple of
goons, TYLER and PHILLIE, discuss a devious plan.
DON FISHIONE
When I get done with that Senator,
he won't be worth a single pair of
David Lee Roth's pants in this
town.
TYLER
(snickers)
Your guy, Phillie.
PHILLIE
Hey boss, he's got a great show.
Van Halen has never been the same.
DON FISHIONE
(looking down at his multi
ringed hand)
He's no Wayne Newton, but I expect
such lack of distinction from you,
Phyllis. What kind of man goes by
the name Phyllis?
TYLER
Yeah. When you gonna get your name
changed, Phillie?
PHILLIE
Maybe I'll take yours after I
remove your Social Security card
from your dead body.
DON FISHIONE
Gentlemen, can we get back to the
plan? We need a couple of fall
guys with no connections. Where we
going to get 'em?
TYLER
You mean, like, homeless guys?
PHILLIE
There's always riffraff hanging out
by that industrial complex on the
outskirts of town. What's it
called? Desert Energy Complex?
DON FISHIONE
I don't care where you go just
bring me a couple of losers looking
for a quick buck. They'll help me
destroy the meddling Senator's
career, and then we'll "help" them
quietly disappear with no questions
asked.
TYLER
Ooooh boss, I almost feel sorry for
those losers already. Whoever they
may be.
EXT. LAS VEGAS - DESERTED INDUSTRIAL BUILDING COMPLEX -
AFTERNOON
A car comes to a stop in front of a vandalized sign that says
"Welcome to the Desert Energy Complex" with a spray-painted
"ed" after the word "Desert".
As Stanley and Neil exit the car, the helpful driver speaks
through the open door.
HELPFUL DRIVER
...homeless shelter closes at 1 am.
I reserved a couple of spots for
you.
Stanley starts to do that unmistakable dance that signifies a
full bladder. He looks at the rundown building complex and
starts to walk down an alley looking for an entrance where he
can take a leak.
STANLEY
Gotta take a whiz, man. I'll be
right back.
Stanley finds an entrance with the door hanging off its
hinges.
As Stanley enters, the mood becomes sinister and dark.
Stanley walks to a shady corner and TAKES A LEAK on an old
newspaper that says "NASDAQ SHOULD REACH 6000 SOON". He
chuckles and decides to take a quick look around while
filming with the video camera.
Stanley HEARS A NOISE and walks up a nearby stairway still
filming.
STANLEY
Neil, is that you?
Stanley reaches the second floor and hears noises coming from
across the courtyard of the building.
POV - THROUGH STANLEY'S CAMERA LENS, PHILLIE CAN BE SEEN
CAUSING A RUCKUS AMONG THE CARDBOARD RUBBLE, KICKING BOTTLES
AND KNOCKING OVER CARDBOARD SHELTERS.
STANLEY
Insensitive swine. Clumsy too.
Stanley accidentally knocks an EMPTY BOTTLE off the window
ledge, and Phillie starts moving across the courtyard towards
him.
EXT. INDUSTRIAL BUILDING - AFTERNOON
Neil paces about impatiently.
NEIL
Stan? What's the holdup? Did
something get caught in the zipper
or what? Come on. It's ping-pong
night at the mission.
Neil walks down the alley to find Stanley.
INT. INDUSTRIAL BUILDING - AFTERNOON
Stanley watches Phillie approach.
STANLEY
Come on over, pal. You want a
piece of me?
As Stanley turns to go, he runs into the other mob goon,
Tyler, at the top of the stairwell.
Tyler puts his hand inside his jacket as if fingering a
hidden gun.
TYLER
You a tough guy?
STANLEY
Uh. Building inspector here. Are
you the owner of this fine
establishment? I've only got a
couple of issues to discuss...
Tyler makes a threatening move as he pulls his hand out of
his jacket.
TYLER
Discuss this!
Stanley drops the camera, puts his hands over his nuts, and
winces.
Neil comes bounding up the stairs agitated because he can't
find Stanley.
NEIL
Stanley?
Instead of a gun, Tyler approaches Stanley holding out a
BUSINESS CARD.
Neil sees Stanley and relaxes.
TYLER
My boss would like to make you an
offer that you can't refuse.
STANLEY
That's impossible. Any offer may
be refused.
NEIL
That's why they call it an offer.
TYLER
Whatever. He would like your
services for a couple of hours this
evening. A wine and dine
assignment. He will give each of
you one hundred dollars -
NEIL
Okee dokee!
Stanley is still suspicious.
STANLEY
What services? Like I said, we're
just a couple of building
inspectors. Neil, check out that
crummy drip edge over there...
Phillie arrives on the scene out of breath.
TYLER
Ha. Building inspectors. I
believe you. OK, Phillie, let's
take our $200 to some less
fortunate souls who ain't got such
good-payin' jobs like these
building inspectors here.
NEIL
Give us a minute.
Stanley and Neil take a couple steps out of the goon's
earshot.
NEIL
Don't blow this, Stan.
STANLEY
Something's fishy here, but I can't
put my finger on it.
NEIL
What's not to like? Two hundred
bucks and a night on the town.
STANLEY
Have you forgotten where you came
from? His pal was trashing
people's cardboard homes back
there.
NEIL
We'll have to be on the lookout for
more bad stuff, but I think this is
a chance to rise above the
mediocrity.
STANLEY
OK, if they agree to pay us the two
hundred up front, then we'll know
that we can trust 'em.
NEIL
Attaboy, Stan! These suckers are
no match for minds so low.
Stanley and Neil strut back to Tyler and Phillie.
STANLEY
We'll do it, but we want the money
first.
TYLER
Sure, here you go.
(aside to Phillie)
Not that you'll ever get a chance
to spend it.
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