Maybe I *am* trying too hard to find someone- or maybe it's not that I'm trying hard to find, but trying to turn everyone I care about into that one special person. I mean, cripes, I have known Dax almost as long as I've known you. I met him only weeks after. Back then, we had no interest in eachother other than to be lickpit buddies. :)~
I really don't know how we slipped into something more but once we did, I couldn't be content with it sitting 'in between', which is what I told him last night. It all comes back to that stability thing again. If it's in my life, it has to be defineable.
I do need someone in my life. I used to be comfortable with lots of friends - but they were merely aquaintences when you think about it. What I *want* is just one person that knows me- really, really knows me and loves me anyway (whether its just a friend or its more - that isn't so important.) I want one person I can always go to, one person who will never judge me, who will always be there, who will offer advice, who will support my decisions, (and always tell me when I'm fuckin up), who knows the details of my mind before I even have to say it, who appreciates me for what is good inside of me and sweeps the rest away with the wind.
(pessimism alert) It really makes me wonder, sometimes, if there are enough good things inside of me to make up for all of the bad. I know I'm not easy to deal with. In fact, it's a pain in the ass to be loved by me. It's no wonder people don't stick around long. The strength of my emotions are very overwhelming, even more so to myself.
(return to optimism) Of course, I have always known that I'm an outsider, a loner. I can fit in only on a superficial level (I proved that in the Wolf Den) I have communicated with many people on the net and in my daily life. When it comes time to go a little deeper, I believe I scare people away. I *know* I scare people away. It's always been like that, but throughout my life, I've always maintained the idea that there are people out there like me, who will recognize attributes in me within themselves and who will embrace that fact. These are the people who I know will be my friends and one of which will be the lucky guy who keeps my heart.
It's so easy to say 'just wait and it will come to you'. It's so much harder to actually do. I broke up with Jeff because I wanted time and emotional space and what happens? I get myself all caught up in Dax.
I'm a walking contradiction. I'm such a strong person, why am I so weak when it comes to companionship?
I'm at a point (again) where I don't know what to do with myself. I refuse to let my life become what many others' become. (Work to sustain life.) I want to *live* but what's the point if I'm going to do it alone? What is fun about coming home with exciting news when there's no one that wants to hear it? What's fun about going places and seeing things and experiencing what the world has to offer if you can't share it with someone?
Dax and I were going to go to Mardi Gras next year. I have always wanted to go and we talked about going whether we're just friends or more than friends. But last night he told me that we 'can't go back' and that talking to me would just confuse him and be difficult again.
I don't know what I'm going to do when his icq pops on and I'm so close to him - only a quick message away- and I can't talk to him.
I'm pretty sure I set myself up for this the way I did with you.
Aren't I nice to myself? What is it that I'm punishing myself for? *Thats* what I'd really like to know.
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