Lost In My World

Jen,

I figured I better write to you since we haven't talked in a week. I want you to know where I stand right now and why and although I'm always told not to expect anyone to understand my point of view I hope you take a couple days and think about it because I think you will understand.

Basically, you've known for a while now that I don't want to be in the middle of your situation with James. I've tried to explain to you my reasons for it but you have dismissed it as me shutting you out or as me not being a good friend so let me try to explain it now, where you can't get angry and start typing back at me and then miss the whole point of what I'm trying to say.

It is my belief, and from what I hear from you, it is also yours... that each person's 'truth' is different. We all have the opportunity to make our world what we want it to be and to live in it as we choose, to make decisions based on our own intelligent thought and what we perceive to be good and bad, right and wrong, sensible or not, moral or immoral ... without having to justify it to someone else. You are always telling me that I don't see it from inside you and that what I say isn't always going to be right for you. And you are right about that. I do, however, understand the concept. I understand that what I say isn't always going to be what turns out to be right for you.

I have seen the situation between you and James as unhealthy for a long time and I've always tried to be there to help you AND James in what I felt was the best resolution without prejudice towards either of you. Sometimes that has pissed him off, sometimes that has pissed you off. I've always done for the both of you, and recommended what I felt was in the best interests of both of you even when that has gotten me into trouble with one or both of you. We opened our home to James in February NOT to sabatage your relationship but to do what was in the best interests of James, you, and the kids for what the situation was at the time. Every time that James has wanted to leave and he has called us, we have told him he could come stay with us until he sorts things out for himself. Neither Wade nor I feel like it has been truly appreciated. Not because it hasn't been said... because it certainly has. But by the way you two always go back to treating eachother. Nothing that Wade nor I say or do means anything in the end because you both will do whatever you are going to do regardless of advice from outsiders. As I was reading a book about my patron goddess, a quote stood out at me that reminded me of you. "The student has to be ready to learn the lesson.' And while I knew this all along, I couldn't resist trying to offer advice and help when there have been problems. That is MY personality, to want to help, to make things right, to have justice served, to be the voice of rational, to be the 'good friend'. Unfortunately, it also puts me into situations that are unhealthy for me, and none of my business anyway.

Having said that, I think I can now explain to you why I am choosing not to be in the middle of your situation anymore. In the most simple terms.... I am getting physically ill from it and I can't handle it. When there is a 'situation' with the two of you, I don't sleep well, I get headaches, I get nauseated, sometimes I get this cramp under my rib cage on the left hand side that makes me unable to breathe correctly. I've only had that a couple times, all when I was with Paul. Most of my waking moments are taken up by thoughts of you or him or both... of conversations we had or conversations I want to have or just me mentally bitching about the two of you and how I wish I could fix this or that or whatever. I have been WAY too involved if MY life is out of focus because of someone ELSE'S relationship.

Just like my previous unhealthy relationships with Heather, Paul (and jessica way back when...) I've always beat myself up wondering if being what that person thought was 'a good friend' or girlfriend or whatever was worth my own personal mental and physical health. I have always wondered if being a 'good friend/girlfriend' meant you had to put yourself into unhealthy situations over and over and over again. Well I've finally figured out what the truth is for me.

I hope you don't think that I'm lumping you with those individuals... I want to make sure you know that our situation is not the same. You haven't directly hurt me. You really haven't hurt me at all in that sense. It's the situation that is hurting me. It's a situation I shouldn't be involved in in the first place. It was out of a feeling of duty and a desire to make things right that I have put MYSELF into it. I've struggled and struggled over when is enough, enough. How unhealthy does it have to be for ME in order for it to be ok for me to back out. I found that line and we crossed it last week. I don't expect you to agree but I hope that you will understand. The way I came to this conclusion is this:

Love is unconditional. But my feeling is that most people confuse 'love' with the actual day to day relationship. Love is not enough to get you through every day together in a healthy way. Not in a friendship, not in a romantic relationship, not with parents to siblings. Just because there is LOVE doesn't make it healthy and doesn't warrent a person to 'stick it out' to be a 'good friend' an 'understanding girlfriend' or for a child to accept that his or her parent is unhealthy or abusive simply because its a parent and the child loves them. LOVE will not get you through everything. I loved Paul but we all know it was better for both of us to be apart. Eve will love her dad but that doesn't make him fit to parent her. I loved Jessica when I stopped talking to her. I loved Heather when I stopped talking to her. We all have to make decisions about our own standings and morals and while it may make me unpopular, missunderstood and disliked, it is my truth, that I will decide what is healthy for me and what is not and I will make my stand.

I do not believe that this makes me a bad friend. On the contrary, I believe I've shown to be the most loyal and true of friends. However, I do realize that it is MY vision of what a true friend is. I don't personally believe that I have to be in the middle of your home life drama (or lack there of if things are going well) to be a best friend. I think there are many, many ways to show true friendship but if your vision of a true best friend is more than what I can give, then I guess I have lost a best friend and I will just have to be content with someone else taking over that 'title' and I will be 'a close friend'. I'm sorry, I just can't be in your relationship with James, what I have been in the past. I have to release the feeling that it's my personal responsibility to 'save' you especially since in your truth, you don't need saving.

If you're going to write back to me about it, I just ask that you take a couple days to think about it from all angles and not emotionally but rationally. I don't want this to turn into me defending my position, you defending yours, then me defending mine... etc. That's not why I wrote this. I wrote it because every time I try to tell you why I can't be involved with it you assume I'm doing it for whatever reasons and I just wanted you to know that I have a very thought out and rational reasoning and that I'm not trying to 'back out' on our friendship or to shut you out contrary to what you may have thought.