Part one
Angel sat brooding in the dark as usual, he couldn't help it, he just couldn't stop thinking about her. She filled his head, his heart, there wasn't a waking moment he didn't think of her, and most days she was in his dreams. He knew he had been wrong, he knew it now. He'd left her, not even said goodbye, and he'd done it because he had thought it would be easier to forget that way. For months now her fiery locks and emerald eyes had been haunting him. Just as they had in Sunnydale. When he'd come back from Hell he'd avoided her, he had Buffy back, she loved him and he loved her, but it had changed. As Angelus he had been obsessed with the redhead, and those thoughts, feelings, memories hadn't gone away once he had become Angel again. He'd gotten a good look at her, not just as a slayerette or his girlfriends best friend, but as a beautiful, talented woman!
The guilt he'd felt over those feelings was immense, he knew he and Buffy could never be together, not properly, it was against their natures, he a vampire, she a slayer. Still he felt as though he was betraying her. So he had ignored his feelings for Willow and her. He could see that his distance was hurting Willow, but he couldn't bring himself to get close. He owed her so much though, she had risked her life twice to restore his soul to him. Then entirely by chance he had discovered his soul was anchored to his body, He'd decided to end his ununlikene night, he was being hounded by the ghosts of all those he had killed. He had climbed to the very top of Sunnydale, looked down on the town and prepared to meet the sunrise. Buffy had found him, she'd pleaded, but he was adamant that it was the right thing to do. The sun didn't rise though. It snowed! For the first time in god knew how many years it snowed. Somebody must have thought that he could do better things than give his life, and he had been ecstatic, as happy as when he had broken the curse, yet he remained Angel. Afterwards he thought about it and he realized his soul was secure, it must have been, he should have achieved that happiness, but Angelus never resurfaced.
So, he decided to leave, he knew it was stupid now, but he had known that his resolve was waning already, but the threat of getting just that bit too close to Willow and unleashing Angelus was what had stopped him going to her and confessing his feelings for her. Now that threat was gone he knew it would only be a matter of time before he caved. He just couldn't hurt everyone like that, they barely trusted him now, he didn't want to put the fragile relationships in danger, so he had decided to leave. After the ascension, providing they survived, he would go, start a new life, fight evil, do good, just not in Sunnydale.
He didn't tell anyone about his soul, not Buffy, nor Giles, and especially not Willow, he had to get away, he couldn't be around her anymore, she'd given him his soul permanently, and he loved her, and she deserved better than him. So after the Mayor was defeated he left, just walked away into the night never looking back.
And now he was miserable, if he wanted he could be truly happy, but he couldn't, not with anyone else, and the one he wanted to share in his happiness with him he'd left behind. He'd seen her when he had to check out Doyles vision of Buffy. It had been torture, absolute hell, and he knew hell. He was miserable!
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