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| Chapter 12 Well okay, I mean May 1st. Gary has had a few changes since I last wrote. Over the weekend he awoke to numbness in his lower lip to his chin. It is still numb and he has bit it several times trying to eat. It has been tough to swollow the meds, but he is a trooper you know. This is most likely from a tumor pressing on his nerve. His pain is still controlled, but I cut back the decadron (steroid) because he is just not able to eat a lot, there is just no room in there. This has decreased his appetite some but hasn't really seemed to help the sweats. He understands the, hmm, effect of cutting back the decadron. As each day passes we must decide what is most important. Eat and be sick or not eat and be comfortable. He is still able to get up a little. He really needs help, he is very unstable. I was able to get him in the bath tub today and shave him. He still had to try and help. It's that control thing. There is so much a cancer patient does not have control over. So if he gets a little angry with me, it's only because thats all he can control. Sometimes it's tough, and God knows I can't always keep my mouth shut, but for the most part, I do. He wants me here, all day, right here. But, when I help, it's not the right way and leave me alone kind of thing. But see, he is just comfortable that way. I stepped out for a few minutes last night, he got up and he fell. Oh and make me feel like crap...you know he can pick until I don't know if he is serious or not. (He is really never serious, but I have never been able to judge that very well) Plus, I didn't get him any chinese. So he really let me have it. "I"m laying here on my death bed, and you didn't get me anything?!" Oh, he layed it on thick. Laughing too. He takes the cake. Of course I went back. You know, he was just sleeping so soundly and he hadn't been able to eat much and I just didn't think he'd want any. WRONG. So anyway, I learned from that. They brought the oxygen today. He will use this at night to help with his breathing. His speech is pretty hard to understand...I mean its low and a little slurred. I got him to write a note yesterday, and it was tiny and some places didn't read right. I cried. I hope he can dig enough strength to write one for me so I can have it with me at night when he is gone. He just couldn't write anymore. He has made it very clear too that he doesn't want any visitors. NOBODY he said. Didn't matter who or what time. If he wants to walk out here and lay down naked, he can. And this time, I understand and don't blame him. He had 2 visitors (and I had 2) Sunday, and I said thanks for stopping by, but he doesn't want any company. He told Heidi (hospice nurse) that he felt better when he knew no one was coming, he was more comfortable. That goes along way you know. We have to respect that. I picked out the casket. Yeah, the casket. I was fine till I walked in there...suffocation no breathing....never mind. The gentleman there was wonderful. I dropped off his clothes to the funeral home yesterday and Monday I sat down and sketched, ( yes me the artist...Right) out our head stone and faxed it to my wonderful sister who is taking care of the loose ends for me. We changed the plot at the last minute, I'm glad now though. Everything is done, right down to the music picked for the visitation. Gary helped me with that yesterday. He has always played special music for me on Saturday mornings or Sunday evenings. We picked out most of them. Now I just have to burn them...haha another of my weakest links. I'm so releived. How do you spell that? Relieved. yeah, thats it. Anyway, all of that is done and now I can concentrate on just being with him...and maybe unpacking a few boxes. I got a nap over the weekend and slept in a bit on Sunday. Much needed nap. I'm feeling pretty good. I started walking here in central park. My house is perfect. I will never get tired of being here. Just looking around. The trees, everything is green. Gary said today, it's beautiful out there...now you can finally have your New York fall with all these trees. Yep. I can. He is such a good guy to take care of us. I suppose I should go. Thank you again for everything....Love, Shelly ps,thank you Cindy Timothy for the post, yes it does more than you know 'spirit of love and concern from others hearts' |
| May 5 - Hmmm, cinco de mayo. Not much partying going on here. Seems to me it was long week. My friend from Ohio, Bobbi, stopped in for breakfast this morning. She took a wrong turn, or should I say her husband did. lol. No, her husband is a truck driver and had a drop in Maryland and they kept coming. He dropped her off for a few hours. What a relaxing day, we popped into the flea market...she jewed down two beautiful trunks from 100 to 62 bucks for me. They are awesome, very old and in excellent condition, they will match my new furniture perfect! You know... in case you didn't already know....I attend the worlds best country music festival..'superbowl of counrty music' Jamboree in the Hills every summer in July. I met Bobbi there in 1997. Pretty neat huh? This is her second visit to Delaware. Anyway, back to the grind. Donna and Camie picked the kids up every night from daycare this week, fed them, bathed them and helped Dallas with her homework and then were here by 7:45pm. How great that was. Hard, but good? She kept them over night Friday and then they went to another friend, Debbie's house on Saturday. I was worried. Affraid they'd had enough of being gone, but they had a blast. They need to stay busy, have a lot of fun and laughs and it's sad, but keep their distance from home. It is too much for them and me...and him. He needs it quiet, they need to stay kids and I need to wash the gray from my hair. It's not fair to keep shushin' them. It's good for them to learn to be respectful of others but not live that way. My kids are not the quietest angels either, unlike their mother, haha. I felt guilty, I feel better though. They won't remember this, I will. This 'quiet' time with Gary has been irreplaceable. Did I spell that right? It's taken me all week to feel this way, but I am positive I have made the right choices. Imagine not seeing your kids from 8:00 am til 8:00pm.... and then breifly on the weekends for about a month. Then, imagine watching your husband loose every ounce of muscle he ever had, his dignity, himself. He has changed. I know it's not him, but how difficult to watch, to help, to comfort. So see, it's to hard to be a full time mom right now. Either way I pay for it. Whether they are here or somewhere else. The guilt from being gone or the gulit from being angry and stressed with them. They are better off. Gary and I talked for awhile yesterday morning. I cried most of the time. I played him "Wherever you may go", at the request of several. He again, comforted me. He asked me if he was 'forgetting' things, I agreed. He said that Heidi mentioned this, after the forgetting, "I would start sleeping more, and then drift into a coma" Guess what he says then....'this is easy' 'if this is dying, this is easy'. I don't have too much pain and I sleep. I lost it. I was so happy that he wasn't suffering. I said that, he said no, no I'm not suffering, but you are. I was so worried that he was suffering, he's miserable, but not suffering. Joy. I have been blessed. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing. I would have loved him anyway. This pain is so deep, but the love we share is deeper. Wonderful, perfect love. I can't stop crying. I'm so tired. How's my punctuation? Icebreaker. By the way, Gary isn't excepting visitors, but I am. Hehe. Bobbi for instance... That's how to get around that, word it different and don't stay long, unless you stay in the garage or on the deck. LOL. I'm gonna run. Til next time, Shelly |
| May 7, Spoke to Soon... Monday morning about 3:30 Gary had a bloody nose and it took most of the day to get it to stop completely. Everytime he would move, it would bleed. His blood is not clotting very well, and what does clot, clots in the back of his throat and nose and is causing severe shortness of breath. He can't breathe well, he is 'foggy' and very weak. He isn't able to talk very well and swallowing will probably not be an option before too long. Liquid lorazepam and morphine will be here today. He did get his morning meds down, we'll see as the day progresses. The suction machine came last night, but it's not really working. It was supposed to aid in getting the clots and blood out. He did sleep comfortably for most of the night last night, with oxygen after getting out the largest clot I have ever seen, looked like Devan's shoe. Well, remember, it's my patge. He's forgetful, has slurred speech, but still beautiful and sexy as ever. We closed on our trailor yesterday...yeehah. That was at 10:00, and one of my staff members, Sandy, lost her husband, suddenly and unexpectantly last week. So, at 2:00 Dallas and I went to the funeral. She asked, so I said sure. I thought it would be good for her. She did excellent! Lots of questions, and questions are good. Pat's mother is very ill, another trip to the hospital last evening...not sure of the status yet, say a prayer for her and for Sandy. Thank you. I must go, get breakfast and the day going. I'm okay. Always love in my heart, Shelly |
| 5/9, 7:10 pm. It has been a rough couple of days. He has had a pain crisis last night and today. Getting harder to control the pain. His mother and brother are here from NY, the hospice chaplin came today at his request. He is at peace. He is weak, forgetfull, starting to get confused. It's hard now. I'm ready, it's time. His heart is still beating very fast, trying to slow it down. His blood is thin and not clotting well, he could hemorrhage. Quick and painless for him, not a nice thing for me. It's okay, I think Our furniture came Tuesday night. I was able to bring him out and show him. He loved it. He said he saw it he could go now. He picked out the sofa and upolhstry and I picked out the tables. He was right, the sofa pattern matches beautiful. He practically feel back to bed, when he got there he was ready to go, but said he didn't want to leave me, he cried. Only the second time I've ever seen that. He told me I needed a man, I told him I was fine and I would be, don't worry. I told him it was okay to go. He is fading in and out today. worse than yesterday. Kids are home, must go. love, Shelly |