Last Saturday's Easter Beer Hunt proved to be one of the more entertaining parties in some time. The Hunt is an annual McDonald (Liz and Rob McD) family tradition where cans of beer are hidden throughout the yard. The individual who finds the most beer, the least beer, and the golden beer all receive prizes. The Hunt is the centerpiece of the day, but it basically just provides the chance for a fabulous homecooked meal and an excuse for everyone to get very intoxicated. This year's event was highly anticipated because of the large age range that was going to be attending...more than ten classes of Lovett College were to be represented. For those of us post-grads not named Alex, this was going to be our only chance to hook up with college freshmen.
I faced three challenges when covering this year's event:
1) It was very well attended (approximately 50-60 people). No chance that I could be everywhere at once.
2) The power was out for four hours.
This added a great element to the party, but the candlelight
4-12-04 - Susan, Kevin, and Michelle
4-11-04 - Alex's Relationship Levels
4-8-04 - Top 5s
4-5-04 - The Astros
3-25-04 - Sweet Sixteen Picks
3-24-04 - Monday Drinking
3-23-04- Those 70's Thoughts
Archives
1) Growing on Me - The Darkness
2) Two Hands in a Prayer - Ben Harper
3) Roll it Up Slow - Cody Chestnutt
4) House of Jealous Lovers - The Rapture
5) Practical - Stephen's Team
6) 99 Problems - Jay-Z & The Beatles
7) Geno - Dexy's Midnight Runners
8) Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
9) Michael - Franz Ferdinand
10) ATLiens - Outkast
3) I was wrecked.
I arrived at the party at 4:00. I finished two mint julips by 6:00. At least that is what the cooler said...in reality, i drank two 16oz. glasses of bourbon. Combined with the multiple beers I drank, I wouldn't quite qualify myself as a omniscient narrator.
With all of that in mind, I decided that I would try a different technique for this column. My favorite part of any party is the traditional morning after guy talk. Trying to reconstruct all of the night's events from five (or six, if you count Jeff's nonexistent contributions) fuzzy memories is both ambitious and rewarding. The process is long and arduous, but is often where the best stories are told. Usually, these conversations are reserved for only the best and most trusted of friends. For this particular party, though, my friends and I have decided to share the morning after conversation with all of my readers. Alex, Blake, Hari, Jeff, Kevin and I are each going to take the chance to tell you our version of Saturday's Beer Hunt in our own words. Alex is up first...enjoy!!
ALEX
I must admit, I was a little nervous bringing Marissa to this party. You guys are drunk and obnoxious every time she sees you and I imagine that it is eventually going to give her a bad impression. But, she said that I couldn't make out with other girls unless she was there too, so I figured I had to bring her along. I mean with all of the toe-sucking and genital fondling that went on last year, I didn't want to have sit in the corner and twiddle my thumbs all night. My number has been frozen at 12 for nearly two months now! I can't have that.
I was immediately glad that Marissa came. I got a chance to demonstrate both my Renteria-like athleticism and my LaRussa-level intellect when I beat out fifty other people to find the golden beer. I laid my nut hand on the table and everyone else had to begrudgingly acknowledge my superiority.
After accepting congratulations from all of my inferiors for my victory (the likes of which that hasn't been seen since the 1982 World Series) I relaxed for a few hours in the hot tub with my girl and my college friends. Sure, I graduated last year, but even I forget that sometimes. Everything went well except for an ill-advised attack on Glenn after he called me a "little bitch". He'll get his if he ever sacks up and agrees to play poker with me again.
Both Marissa and I were having a great time even after the power went out. We were having a fun and lively conversation with Glenn and Jennifer, but I started to get a little restless. I needed some competition. The four of us went up stairs looking to join a game of "Never Have I Ever", but quickly decided against it once we saw who was playing. How can you play that game with Munoz, Jon Blue, Cheryl, MMM, and the others? The four of us don't play the game at their expert level.
Since we were in the middle of the party, my girlfriend was completely sober, and lots of my exes were in the room, I figured it was the perfect time to sit Marissa down for a heart to heart. She'd met a number of my past flings earlier in the evening, but she didn't know that at the time. I figured now would be the best time to tell her. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I do recall the phrase, "We were going at it until her brother walked into the room". I don't know why, but Marissa then decided that it would probably a good time to go home. We were delayed for five minutes when I ran into a former 18 year old fling on my way out the door. It was a slight incovenience, but at least I got to tell Marissa about her. And her sister.
Go CARDS, 2004!!!
BLAKE
This life can be so difficult, stressful, and confusing. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped between so many different worlds. I mean when I'm at a party at my ex-girlfriend's house that my sorta-current, sorta-past girlfriend is also attending, how am I supposed to act? I'm in between the boyfriend-Blake world and the ex-boyfriend-Blake worlds. And I really enjoy spending time with my ex-girlfriend's parents...they are really great people. But at the same time, I want to hang out and be immature with my friends. I feel like I am trapped between the adult-Blake world and the child-Blake world. While I was at the party, I was never able to fully relax. I have so much med school work hanging over my head right now that i couldn't afford to totally forget about it. Sometimes the stressed-out-student-Blake world interferes with the easy-going-party-guy-Blake world.
I was very thankful that I was even able to make the Beer Hunt this year. Originally, my parents had scheduled my dog's birthday party for the same day. Fortunately, my dog's party got moved to Friday and I didn't have to miss her getting her own cake. And she looked like a little canine Nazi goosestepper in those booties that we got her. Everything worked out in the end, but for awhile I definitely felt conflicted between the Easter-Beer-Hunt-going-Blake world and the Misty's-Birthday-Bash-attending-Blake world.
I did eventually manage to have a really nice time at the party. Since I new the house better than most (wink-wink), I figured that it might be strategic to crash early and claim one of the two beds in the guest room. Even after I finally made that decision, I was still feeling torn. Sleeping in the other bed was Jeff and his girlfriend Mary-Margaret. So now I was conflicted once more...I was smack in the middle of the getting-a-good-night's-sleep-Blake world and the rocking-bed-breaking-homoerotic-threesome-with-my-best-friend-and-his-lover Blake world. Wouldn't you like to know what I chose.
HARI-PORKCHOP-FEZ
"Around existence twine, (Oh, bridge that hangs across the gorge!) ropes of twisted vine."
-MatsuoBasho
Let's be honest, guys. Lately I have been in a little bit of a rut. There are only so many intimate moments that a guy can share with married forty-something former co-workers before he longs for, as so gloriously put by The Knack in their timeless hit My Sharona, "the touch of the younger kind". Last Thursday, I was lucky enough to meet a friend of Liz's at the Timberwolf. After I did my usual round of 37 compliments (e.g. "That shirt is very attractive", "Your eyes sparkle with life", "No artist is worthy of capturing your beauty"), we kind of hit it off. Sure her only memories of the eighties were shaped by VH-1, but she seemed mature for her age. Unfortunately, she had a test to do over the weekend, so she wasn't going to be able to make it to Easter Beer Hunt.
So imagine my surprise when I saw Lolita swimming in the pool when I arrived. After I paid her 21 more compliments ("Your bathing suit brings out the clarity in your eyes", "Your body would make a priest question his vow of chastity"), she told me that her test had been postponed. Now Glenn or Blake may say that it seems a little too convenient, but I'm sure that her decision had nothing to do with me.
Blake and Jeff watched us talk for the next few hours, and eventually pulled me aside to ask about her. I told them she was nice, but then I made the unfortunate choice to compare her to a couple of different kinds of cars. I wouldn't say this is unfortuante usually, I always comment about women behind their backs, except it turns out she was right behind me this time. Whoops.
Despite this, we still spent the rest of the evening talking. We both had a fair amount to drink, and we were beginning to really start flirting. She was giving me all of the signs (flipping her hair, touching my arm, offering oral sex), but I still wasn't positive that she was in to me. I needed to wait for that perfect moment to make my move.
After 6 hours of this, it was getting pretty late. I was almost ready to hold her hand, when she looked up at me and told me that "It's getting pretty late and (she) had better get going". Sure, everyone would later tell me that her eyes were pleading "Ask me to stay!!!!", but I still wasn't sure she liked me. The only thing I could do was say, "Ok. Bye!" She gave me a hug, and sadly walked out of my life forever. Again, I would be going home alone. Sure, I was disappointed, but as I always say, "There is nothing funnier than quashed hope!"
JEFF
On the way down to Katy, Glenn and I talked about who was going to be at the party. We knew that Jon Blue (who graduated in 1998) was going to be there, as was Rob McD and many of his freshmen friends (who will graduate in 2007). Ahh, freshmen girls...I miss those days. During my five years at Lovett, I owned that demographic. This party could be interesting... though I wouldn't cheat on Mary-Margaret. Even though we are NOT dating.
When we got to Katy, Glenn and I stopped at a gas station to buy beer for the party. Well, I bought beer. Glenn is cheap and unemployable. While we were there, we saw a guy with a gorgeous girl. I said to Glenn, "Damn, I wish I had a hot girlfriend like that"! Glenn, laughed when he realized what I said, but I have to clarify. It isn't that Mary-Margaret isn't hot, it just is she NOT my girlfriend. Even if I do use her toothbrush at her place, let her borrow my truck during the week, and put it where I want to. Get it?
When we pulled out of the gas station, I expressed my regret that Rica wasn't invited to this party. Glenn and I ran into her at the Marquis a couple of weeks ago and she looked incredible. At least Karen was going to be there. I think she has something similar to Stockholm Syndrome, because she definitely has a thing for me. Not that I do anything about it, because I wouldn't do that to Mary-Margaret. But she is NOT my girlfriend, even though I have been known to call her "BabyCakes".
We arrived at the house and I poured myself my first drink. I don't remember anything again until the next morning.
KEVIN
Now that she bitches are done talking, let me tell you what really happened at this party. But before I get to that, let's start with the real important news. Amy Tetaris is posing for Playboy. Since I'm never going to get to see her naked for less than the $4.99 that the Playboy costs, this qualifies as the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. Now fart in my little panties and blow it down my leg.
Like Hari, I'm totally into young-looking girls. Not Dakota Fanning young exactly...more like Hillary Duff young. Or more precisely, whatever the minimum age of consent is in the state that I am currently in. Combining that knowledge with my recent message board post about my purity score, you can see why I drove all of the way in from Austin for this party. Liz's house was going to provide me with a cornucopia of options.
Two freshman girls immediately caught my eye. I teamed up with noted connoisseur of underage talent Jon (You're my boy!) Blue and we began working the divide and conquer routine to perfection. Sure these girls were eight years old when Jon was a freshman, but you have to admit, they were really cute.
Now I am not saying this was all my doing. I had the benefit of some help from my family. I was working the mysterious older guy routine and refused to tell her anything about me. Intrigued, she went over and asked my sister what I did. Jennifer, being the greatest sister in the world except for the whole "hooking up with all of my friends" things, immediately replied, "He's a stripper. And he has a huge cock!" Blood is so much thicker than water.
I was not completely out of the woods. This girl was the same girl that Alex referred to as "a former 18 year old fling" and she had a little bit of a complex about becoming known as the girl who hooks up with alumni. It wasn't easy, but I spent a few hours massaging away her fear. It took some time, but I was pretty confident that the girl liked me. Both she and Jon's target were supposed to leave with friends at 10:00, but had agreed to stay later (take that PorkChop)!
Unfortunately, there new ride was going to be Jimmy. Now I love JWu to death, but the guy's nickname should be "The Salt Shaker" for all of the game he ruins. This girl and I are clearly into each other, Blue's girl is sitting on his lap and making eyes at him, and Jimmy comes into to try to take them home. I don't know if he was completely clueless to the situation, disapproving of the situation, or trying to work his own angle, but he rounded up the girls and took them home (which was very much out of his way). Jimmy, you gotta look out for your friends in this situation! Either crash at Liz's too or leave quietly without them. Hook a brother up!
After all was said and done, I ended up going to bed alone for the 1,231st night in a row. If that wasn't enough, I've got Glenn and Jennifer lying four feet away, chastising me for nearly an hour about my ambivalence about attending my former flame's Bachelorette party. Since when are these things co-ed anyways? Now I understand this coming from Jennifer...she's the maid of honor of this girl's wedding. But then you got Glenn over there with his Mark Cuban haircut in Cameron's boxers arguing even more vehemently about it. C'mon, Glenn, just go back to trying to hook up with my sister like you were the rest of the night.
So you may ask, what life lesson came out of this weekend? That's simple...I need to go back to college. I have so much more game there than I do in the real world.
GLENN
As I mentioned at the beginning of this column, I was too intoxicated to write a very long or coherent column about this year's Easter Beer Hunt. Instead, I'll give you a list of my Top Ten memories from the party. I am much better at lists than paragraphs anyways. Enjoy:
10) Being the loudest group at any party - No matter where we are, no matter who is around, my friends always seem to bring their A-game.
9) Dejected Jon and Kevin - I know that it is sad to say, but it was pretty fucking funny how pitiful they both looked sitting on the couch next to each other after "their" girls left.
8) Kissing Liz - Ok, so I didn't kiss Liz this weekend. And I have never kissed her due to my abilities at anything bu Bocce ball. But I did drunkenly rave to anyone who would listen that they should totally try to make out with her because she is a great kisser.
7) This freshman girl told Kevin that she thought I was gay - Fortunately, Jennifer ran up to her and loudly proclaimed that she has verified that I am not. Thanks, Jen.
6) Slapping Jeff - There is nothing that Jeff hates more than being slapped. Since I know this, of course I slapped him. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
5) Hanging out with Alex Cameron - I love that guy...it was very fun bullshitting with him all night. But I do feel a little uncomfortable that I slept in his boxers.
4) Jon's quote - Kevin and Jon were arguing loudly (Jon downstairs, Kevin upstairs) about something right as we were going to sleep. Kevin made a good point, so Jon came back with, "Shut up Kevin and go back to watching Goodrich hook up with your sister".
3) Spending hours in the hot tub - I remember very little about what actually happened while we were in the hot tub, but it must have been fun if I was in there for that long.
2) Connecting to each other - While the lights were out, a group of us (Liz, Jennifer, Kris, Tuna, Alex C., and I) were standing in the kitchen, eating grapes and trying to figure out how we are all connected by the hook-up chart. Out of the twenty people I saw in the kitchen at the time, there was not a single one that we could not connect to the group. C'mon, challenge us...I dare you. Our incest runs deep.
1) Reliving the night, the morning after - As I said early in the column, this is my favorite part of any party. This time, Blake, Jeff, Kevin, and I sat around watching Comedy Central. Blake and Jeff took turns trading jabs, Kevin asked us strange questions like what kind of nipples we like best on our porn models, and I collected as much gossip as I possibly could for this column. I love those guys.
