"Mr Roeder sir, Upton Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! save the cups!" cries Glenn
"Its ok" says the fireman "the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet"
What's the difference between a battery and a gooner?
A battery has a positive side.
If you see a scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike!
What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The Dole queue.
What do you call a scouse woman in a white shell suit?
The bride.
What do you call a scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar
A teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Arsenal fans too. Not really knowing what an Arsenal fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly up in the air. There is however one exception, a little girl named Mary has not gone with the crowd. The teacher asks why she decided to be different.
"Because i'm not an Arsenal fan" she says
"What are you then?" asks the teacher
"I'm a proud Tottenham fan" boasts the little girl
The teacher is a little put out by this and a little red faced, she asks Mary why she is a Spurs fan.
"Well my Dad and mum are Spurs fans, so i am too" she responds
The teacher is now quite angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly "What if your mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. what would you be then?"
Mary smiles and says "Then i'd be an Arsenal fan"
A man is on his first visit to Selhurst Park to watch Wimbledon and has to stop and ask a local for directions:
Man: Can you tell me how to get to Selhurst Park please?
Passer by: Yeah, go round that corner, turn right and you'll see two queues.
Man: Right
Passer by: Now whatever you do don't join the long queue.
Man: Why not?
Passer by: Because that's the queue for the chippy next door.
First Leeds fan: "Are you shearing that sheep?"
Second Leeds fan (adjusting his trousers) "No, get your own."
