You can't live your children's lives for them.
Of course that's true. Up to a point.
You can't make them choose the right subjects to study,
& you can't make them strive for excellence.
You can't pick their jobs
& you can't determine their professional performances.
You can't choose their friends.
Or their lovers.
Or their spouses.
You can't keep them from experimenting, with people,
with lifestyles, with alcohol, with drugs.
You can't prevent them from making mistakes.
You can't even prevent them from repeating your mistakes.
Most of the time you can't get them to concede that
your experience in anything counts for much.
Certainly you can't get them to admit that you know anything about them,
that you are in a position to evaluate their strengths & weaknesses.
You can't walk ahead of your kids, to smooth out the bumps or prepare the way.
So, in a sense, you have very little direct control
over what your children do with their life,
it's true, you can't live their lives for them.
But that doesn't stop you from having aspirations for your children.
That doesn't prevent you from wanting them to feel
what it's like to be good at something,
to discover the sense of worth that comes from work,
to know what it's like to be a worthwhile human being.
That doesn't stop you from wanting your children to know the joy of friendship.
That doesn't stop you from wanting them to be able
to differentiate between sexual attraction & love,
& from hoping they will find a partner who
appreciates them & supports & loves them, someone whom they can trust.
That doesn't mean you don't hope they get to know themselves
& come to understand their strengths & weaknesses.
That doesn't stop you from fearing the consequences of this world we have created,
with it's ruthlessness, it's easy sex, it's loss of commitment, it's excesses.
That doesn't mean you don't spend a lot of nights praying
that you've given your kids the tools for survival--
faith, a sense of humour, a sense of worth, curiosity,
confidence & the ability to bounce back.
To say nothing of the nights spent praying that they get home safely,
that they make the right decisions,
that they see through that terrible person or handle the problem properly,
that they are in control of themselves
& the lives over which you no longer have any control.
That doesn't mean it stops you from wishing that they would listen, just a little.
Because, although you can't live your children's lives for them,
you do feel a responsibility for the quality of those lives.
And, oh,
you may not be able to live your children's lives for them, but,
Dear Lord,  you can certainly feel what it's like to be in their skins.
If they're failing at school, you feel their frustration & despair.
If their unable to get a job, you feel their desperation & fear.
If they're treated unfairly, you feel their rage.
If they're bumped around emotionally, you feel their pain.
No, you can't live your children's lives for them.
But you sure as hell live their lives with them.
It's called being a parent &, sometimes, it can hurt.

Susan Sutton Toronto Star