Jokes

Read this loud to yourself....
One sentence after another.....
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat
This is keep cat.
This is an adventurous cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read only the third word ofeach sentence one after the other......
:):)
:):)
:):)
:):)
:):)
:):)
....THEN GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!

IN PRISON.....You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.....You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.....You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.....A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON.....You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.....You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.
IN PRISON.....They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.....All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.....You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON.....There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.....You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK.....You get fired if you get caught.
--liked it or not?--

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace? "She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce. ""My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." ***

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this? "The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work .On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly. "The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady. "She paused and said, "Yes? "The bird said, "You know."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his carp hone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

The difference between men and women:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
___________________ Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? "The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? "The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

11 Things In Life: Definitely worth reading

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
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2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
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3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with,never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
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4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
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5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
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6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
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7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
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8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
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9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.
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10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
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11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

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