Which was why he was so pissed off that it was happening to his friend, Osmond, and not him.
The boy clad all in black, Ozzie, was engaged in one of those very same lip-locks with his girlfriend, Zelda, right in front of Sheena and Haley.
Zelda was nothing to sneeze at, either. She was tall, dark, and gorgeous. She had raven-black hair that was perfectly arranged, cascading around her shoulders in painstakingly prepared curls. She was clad in a dress of her own design---sheer purple sleeves, emerald-green low cut top, and a poofy lavender skirt that went down to her ankles and met up with her emerald-green slippers. Slippers, of course, that matched her earrings, and her eyes, which would be open, were she not passionately kissing Ozzie.
"For pete's sake!" Sheena exploded. "You've said hello, already! We'd like to start off for Rockaxe TODAY, if you please."
Sheena, and his best friends Ozzie and Haley, were gathered at the western edge of Highway Village, ready to head to Rockaxe Castle, the capitol of Matilda. Oh, and Zelda was there too, he supposed. They finally quit smooching long enough to breathe.
"Ohhh, my sweet! I've missed you!" Zelda cooed. Ozzie was about to reply, surely with the same romantic slop, when he noticed his friends' stares.
"Er, me too." he said.
"Sheena's right. We need to go, so hurry up." Haley said. Blindly agreeing with whatever Sheena was saying was a sign that Haley was trying to disagree with whatever Zelda was doing. Sheena didn't even wait, he was sick of watching someone ELSE get some. He walked off to the west.
******
At Lepant's Kingdom of Cuisine, the head chef, namely Lepant, was cooking up a storm. But, unfortunately for the rest of the world, he was also cooking up a Lepant-Plot-of-Helpfulness, which generally weren't very helpful.
"Hmm...Sheena can surely make it to Rockaxe with his friends, I think..." Lepant mused while tossing some salad.
"Of course he can, sir." his assistant chef, Giovanni, said.
"Travelling in a group, that's very good! Very good indeed!" Lepant ranted. "The very thing adventures are made of!"
"Of course, sir." Giovanni said. Lepant glanced at the thin, gray-haired man whose beady eyes could be bored one moment and filled with sneakiness the next. He returned Lepant's glance with a look of worry---mostly because Lepant's eyes were glinting with that...that look of his. A look that meant trouble.
"You know, though...it wouldn't be a true adventure without..." Lepant said, eyes gleaming, "PERIL. And the road to Rockaxe is almost entirely without peril. That's no good! No good at all! What a disappointing first adventure it would be, without peril! I don't want to disappoint my son, Giovanni..."
"Of course not, sir." Giovanni said, looking slightly nervous.
"Then, it's settled! Ha ha!" Lepant said triumphantly.
"Er...what's settled?" Giovanni asked.
"We're going to ...spice it up, a bit. Mwaha, this will be great fun! I've never gotten to play the villain before, Giovanni!" Lepant cried giddily.
"Villain?" Giovanni asked, completely lost.
"Come with me, my friend. Come with me. But first, put back all those kitchen utensils you just stole while I was talking. I've got my eye on you." Lepant said, not missing a beat.
"Rats." Giovanni said, following his boss.
******
The sun shone brightly down on the four teenagers as they walked westward along the dirt road.
"Say, Ozzie, wouldn't it be great if you became a Knight, too?" Sheena said, walking beside his friend.
"I dunno. It would be cool, yeah, but being a Knight is not something I've really thought about doing that much." Ozzie replied.
"Awww, c'mon! Knights are so incredibly awesome!" Sheena insisted.
"Hmph. I don't think they're all that great." sniffed Zelda, fanning herself with a purple fan that matched her outfit.
"You were the one who told me you thought they were sexy, you big liar!" Sheena cried.
"Well..." Zelda said. "That was before I knew YOU were being one."
"HEY!" Sheena said. He ought to push her into the mud, for that.
"Without Knights, this region would have no protection, you know, Zelda." Haley said. "They're an army, not some male fashion models."
"Thanks, Haley." Sheena said, grinning at her. Zelda ignored them and walked faster. Haley returned the smile, briefly.
They walked on in silence for a bit. It was a fairly pleasant day, with a gentle breeze rustling through the trees along the path. It improved Sheena's mood, as he was annoyed with Zelda.
"How much longer is it??" Zelda whined.
"We're not even halfway. Now shut up." Sheena snapped.
"Rakutei Fork's up ahead, then the road turns north to Rockaxe." Ozzie said to Zelda.
"If you were smart, you would have gotten one of the merchants to let you ride in their wagons to Rockaxe, instead of all this walking, you dolt." Zelda said.
"I didn't see YOU mentioning the idea, Miss Genius." Haley put in.
"Hmph." Zelda said, moving next to Ozzie.
"...She has a point." Ozzie said quietly. "Your dad knows lots of food merchants going from Muse to Rockaxe, Sheena. You could have asked him, it wouldn't have hurt."
"Don't you start!" Sheena said. "You know my dad! The moment I had asked, he would have practically come along himself! He can't resist anything remotely resembling 'adventure'. Which, to him, is everything, by the way."
******
"What an adventure! Hurry up, Giovanni!" Lepant cried. "You're lagging behind!" Giovanni panted for breath as he and Lepant ran at breakneck speed through the woods west of Highway Village, north of the road Sheena and his friends were on. Giovanni could have kept up with his master on an ordinary day, but a days with Lepant usually weren't. Today was no exception. He was dragging a huge bag of what was seemingly junk, that Lepant had hastily collected while cackling about whatever secret plans he had in mind. Frankly, Giovanni preferred working with Eileen---she was far more manageable, less insane, and easier to take things from without getting caught.
Lepant could run really fast when he wanted to, it turned out. Giovanni decided not to mention this, for it would undoubtedly lead to some lengthy flashback in which Lepant explained just what training he went through to get so fit, Back In The Day.
"Giovanni, did I ever tell you about the Great Forest Relay, in which I trained for fourty days just to get fit enough to run this fast? It's a great epic tale of bravery and cunning..." Lepant said jovially.
"Yes, sir." Giovanni lied. "You already told me. One of my favorites, I'm sure."
"Good, good. It was a hot day, that first day..." Lepant said, launching right into the story anyway.
Curses.
******
"Oh! What a marvelous flower!" Zelda cried, rushing off of the road to where an exotic bloom was growing in the grass. "If I could make a fabric pattern out of this look, I'd have the most marvelous sundress! Oh, Ozzie, isn't it divine?"
"It sure is..." Ozzie said, staring at Zelda and ignoring the flower. Sheena and Haley exchanged a glance, and got a mischievious grin on both their faces.
"OH, Sheena!" Haley said, spinning dramatically. "Isn't this piece of dirt just MARVELOUS? I could make the most WONDERFUL sundress! A little primitive, perhaps, but..."
"It's just DIVINE!" Sheena said, hamming it up. They burst into laughter, receiving dark scowls from both Ozzie and Zelda.
"You people just have no concept of fashion! You barbarians." Zelda said snootily, stomping back onto the road. Ozzie plucked the flower and walked over by his girlfriend.
"Why are you two so mean to Zelda? She hasn't done anything to you!" Ozzie said to them, out of Zelda's earshot.
"She's Zelda. I'm sorry, it's so easy." Haley said. "But...I'll be good." However, she had to go back on her word as when they turned back around, Zelda had inserted the flower into her hair, and was dancing around humming a song. They burst into laughter again.
"Jerks." Ozzie said.
"Aw, c'mon, Oz, don't be mad. We're just having a little fun, while none of our parents are around. Just go with the flow!"
"Hm. I guess you're right, about the parents part. It is nice without my dad or...especially your dad, dude. He's scary sometimes, you know? I never wanted to say this, cuz he's pretty nice, but he can be creeeeep-y. Hoo. Gives me nightmares." Ozzie replied.
"I share your sentiment. Sometimes he just does things that make me wonder. But good thing we don't have to deal with him now."
"Yeah. He's probably keeping poor Giovanni occupied with some wild story while they chop meat in the restaurant! Hah!"
******
"Here we are, Giovanni! The best in leftover junk, assembled into the perfect alignment!" Lepant cried triumphantly. "Ah, it brings a tear to my eye to see such wonderful craftsmanship. Like when we saw the Sword of Dunan leave the hands of the great blacksmith---"
"Er, yes, sir." Giovanni said, cutting him off. "But what is the point of making a pile of junk look like a monster??"
"To ATTACK, of course! Every adventure needs a villain, and Sheena's is no exception!" Lepant said, as if this was common knowledge. Giovanni stared at him in disbelief.
"Are you saying that we just ran out into the wilderness and built a fake monster so we can ATTACK your SON for ADVENTURE?!"
"There you have it, my friend! I hereby christen it, 'Doom Dragon'!" Lepant said. "You see, Giovanni, when I went on some of my first adventures, there wasn't nearly enough action. So, I don't want Sheena to be disappointed now that he's becoming a knight! Doom Dragon can test his skills!"
"But it's a pile of junk, sir! How can that test anyone's skills?" Giovanni protested, stealing a hammer and putting it in his pocket. Lepant looked at Giovanni and grinned.
"Oh, no, sir! I'm not getting in that thing! Those boys have real swords, you know! What if they---" Giovanni protested loudly.
"Nonsense, my friend. Now get in there. And give me my hammer."
******
Sheena and his friends were just passing what was called Rakutei Fork, where a small worn path split from the main road and headed far up north, to Mt. Rakutei. The main road continued from there to Rockaxe, and that's where they were headed. They walked along in silence.
That is, until the bushes rustled. There was something alive, in there. Something terribly alive. The rustling grew louder with each passing moment until it emerged, emerged in all its brutal terror!
DOOM DRAGON!!!
"What the hell? Is that a pile of cardboard?!" Sheena cried.
"It's growling!" Haley exclaimed.
"GGGGNNNNNHHGGGGHHH!!!" the beast growled from within.
"I think it's some kind of monster...maybe we should be careful." Ozzie said, drawing his short sword.
"Ohhh! I'm scared, look at those teeth, Ozzie! Save me!" Zelda cried.
"They look like...nails..." Sheena said.
"Those are flesh-ripping jaws of DOOM!" Zelda shrieked, bolting for it. The Doom Dragon lumbered toward her, its arms waving shakily. Sheena could swear he saw household items poking out the exoskeleton, but he decided to play it safe. He drew his father's sword, Kirinji.
"Back, you...beastie..." he said, halfheartedly swinging it at the beast.
From the bushes, Lepant could hardly contain himself.
"Ah, yes, the damsel...that would be sweet Zelda...she does fit the bill quite nicely. Reminds me of my days of adventuring. Ah, and both boys have drawn their weapons, verrry good! *sniff* I'm so proud!"
Sheena and Ozzie seemed to be warding off the Dragon, which was swaying oddly as if off balance, while Zelda hid on the other side of the road, and Haley sat there, considering whether to join in the fight or not.
"Wonderful..." Lepant cackled to himself. "This is pure adventure, at its finest. But it could use some spicing, yes, wouldn't want it to get boring now." He pulled a piece of pie from the folds of his cape and took a bite. "Hope they can handle the Fire Rune."
Giovanni, from within the beast, was doing his best to not get chopped in half, while still trying to listen for the bird call which would be the signal to use the fire rune. He still thought Lepant was insane, but what could he do about it?
"Go for its tail! I heard that that stops dragons!!" Ozzie shouted. Sheena lunged with Kirinji, just as he heard a large explosive sound come from within the beast. Flames shot out what appeared to be the mouth.
"Yaaaah!" Ozzie cried, getting singed and falling backwards.
"Osmond!" Zelda screamed.
"Ozzie!" Haley cried at the same time. She rushed forward, kicking the dragon in the jaw. But it seemed the beast already had a problem. Its own head had caught on fire.
Hmmmm... Lepant considered. On second thought, such flammable material for Doom Dragon's exoskeleton was probably not the best idea. Oh well, I hope Giovanni gets out okay. This reminds me of the time....
Suddenly, in a burst of flame, smoke, and screaming(?), Doom Dragon's head flew off and landed in the road. Giovanni emerged, screaming, from the body, with his sleeve aflame. He stopped, dropped, and rolled into the dirt road, putting himself out. Doom Dragon's remaining body smoldered and sagged. Sheena was absolutely shocked.
"What...the..."
"...HELL?" Ozzie and Haley finished for him.
"Oh my goodness! That dragon ATE Giovanni!" was Zelda's reaction. Giovanni went into a coughing fit.
"Giovanni, what are you DOING here?!" Sheena exclaimed. Giovanni tried his best.
"Er....I was chomped by Doom Dragon?" he said sheepishly.
"Nice try. Where's my father?" Sheena asked perceptively. Lepant, coming out of his flashback with himself, realized the jig was up.
"Well done, son, well DONE!" he cried joyfully, coming out from the trees. "You've defeated your first monster!" The teens' jaws just hung open.
"...you made a fake monster? For us to fight?" Ozzie asked.
"Of course! But I assure you, we used only the most convincing monster we could find. I know Doom Dragon had you shaking in your boots, but you perservered and defeated it once and for all! I'm so proud of every one of you. Even you, Zelda, you played your role to a tee!" Lepant ranted happily.
"Er..." Zelda said, unsure of what to make of this.
"This is SO embarrassing." Sheena said, slapping his forehead.
"Why all the stunned faces? You've just achieved VICTORY!" Lepant cried. "Sheena, what have I always told you to do after achieving victory?"
"...pose?" Sheena said halfheartedly.
"THAT'S RIGHT!" Lepant said, striking a victory pose. "Come on, Giovanni!" He slapped his assistant on the back and nearly knocked him over, as he was still bent over trying to breathe correctly once more.
"Pssst...your dad is scaring me, dude..." Ozzie whispered.
"Dad...you need to just not do---" Sheena started.
"Sheena, Ozzie! Help!!! Another monster!!" Zelda screamed.
A huge shadow fell over the group. Soaring above them was what seemed to be a giant bird at first. It had the upper torso of a woman, bare-chested, with huge pink wings, and pink feathers covering the lower regions of its body, ending in huge talons. It swooped lower.
"Oh, GEEZ, Dad, I can't believe you! You dressed MOM up in that getup just to scare us?! How embarrassing!!" Sheena ranted. He turned to the monster, which had just landed a few feet from Haley. "Ye gods, Mom, put a shirt on for heaven's sake!"
Sheena was met with a mind-blowing screech as an answer.
"Sheena...that's not your mom!" Ozzie said, wide-eyed.
"Egad! The great Harpy!" Lepant cried. "Where is my sword?!"
"Put your sword away, you psycho, that's MOM over there you're gonna kill! The jig is UP, okay? You can stop now." Sheena cried, rushing over in an attempt to calm his father. "Besides, I have your sword, remember?" Sheena felt his belt for Kirinji, but it was nowhere to be found.
Actually, Giovanni had taken the liberty of 'holding' onto the sword for them. After all, he would need it to defend himself, right? Right.
"Use my sword, then! Cuz that sure ain't your mother!" Ozzie said after another screech. "Huh, where'd it GO?"
Giovanni was taking no chances. Two swords were better than one, after all. Plus, it would be a shame if the monster took them or something. Yes, he'd better hold onto them for safe-keeping.
The Harpy took that opportunity to snatch Zelda in its talons.
"AAAAAAAAAAEEEEE!!!" she screamed, kicking and squirming. "Help me!!! It's got meeeee!" Lepant was the first to charge forward, along with Ozzie.
"Release her, villain!" Lepant cried, prying at the talons. The Harpy flapped its monstrous wings, knocking Ozzie, Sheena and Lepant backwards with the force, and took off, a hysterical Zelda still in its grasp.
"Oh my god!!!" Ozzie shouted. "That thing's got Zelda! We have to save her!" Lepant's eyes lit up so brightly you could have used him as a human lighthouse.
"Adventure!" he murmured. "Yes, yes! We must save Mariana!"
"Dad, you idiot, her name is ZELDA." Sheena said.
"I don't know. I think her and the Harpy make a nice couple." Haley said with a smirk.
"That's not funny! We have to save her!!" Ozzie said desperately. Sheena nodded.
"I don't like her either, Haley, but it's the right thing to do..." Sheena said. Besides, he thought, maybe if I save her in a manly enough fashion, she'll go out with ME. Or at least tell all her friends how cool I am.
"Are you up for some more adventure, Giovanni?" Lepant said.
"It couldn't be worse than it already is, sir." Giovanni said, rifling through Ozzie's pack of belongings. It was completely justified, he figured---after all, the backpack was close to Doom Dragon when it exploded, and he needed to make sure nothing was damaged in the fire. Of course.
"Then it's settled! We must pursue the monster!" Lepant cried joyously.
"It's heading for Mount Rakutei. We'd better hurry." Haley said, looking off to the north.
"Er...dad...maybe you should...like, go back to Highway, and...tell Mom what's going on. So she doesn't, like, worry?" Sheena suggested futilely.
"Nonsense. Your mother will be fine." Lepant insisted. Sheena sighed. He could just see the headlines.
"Highway Youths Murdered By Harpy, Super-Idiot Lepant To Blame..."
Why did things always turn out this way for him?
******
"Where IS that man?" Eileen thought to herself, sitting alone in the restaurant, Lepant's Kingdom of Cuisine. She had had to come home from the temple and then run the restaurant, because her husband and Giovanni had suddenly disappeared with no warning. She had taken care of the customers, closed early, and then sat and waited.
"Hmmm. I doubt he'll be coming back. He probably left town, but that's just not like him." she considered. She was starting to worry. It was bad enough that Sheena and his friends were heading for Rockaxe alone, and now her husband...
Oh no. A light went off in Eileen's head. He DIDN'T. He wouldn't. He wouldn't....go AFTER them? Was he mad?
Eileen sighed, grabbing her staff and standing up.
Yes he would.
She left the restaurant, locking it behind her. She had to find her husband, before he accidentally did something irrational.
I'm probably too late.
She was just about to head for the western end of town when the mail carrier ran up to her. He was a kindly, middle-aged man she had known all her life. She smiled at him.
"Hello, what can I do for you?" she asked.
"Eileen, a letter came for you, and I've been searching for you all afternoon." he puffed. He handed her the envelope. "Here."
"Thank you..." she said. A letter, for her? All her relatives lived in the area, and she didn't ever get letters.
"Oh well..." she thought. "Guess I'd better open it now."
Eileen took one glance at the return address, and nearly had a heart attack.
"OH NO...no, no, no...not...not her! I can't believe this." She opened the envelope and read the letter.
Tears ran down her face as she read it.
"No...not my son...not Sheena..." she sobbed. "I must stop this. I must warn him. I have to save him!"
It was a mission of justice.
A mission of love.
A mission not meant for Eileen, who was asleep on the pavement.
