(Flashback): Lakewest-Coronet
Fitcher was anxious to find an inn, for though he hadn't done any arduous exercise on the ferry, it had been a long and rather uncomfortable trip, and he would be happy to see a warm, soft bed. Phanny's complaints about her hip and back pain hadn't been a joy either, and when Pearl had whined about how the salty winds were making her hair lose its luster, he had almost snapped.
"Let's find a place to stay!" Pearl said, voicing his thought.
"I can't wait to rest my aching back..." Phanny said, wincing slightly at a sharp pain in her back somewhere.
"I just want to sleep." Fitcher said. The box of cookies from his mother seemed doubly heavy now, but that must have been his fatigue.
They marched through the streets of Kuskus, where street performers and citizens walked around performing tricks, or just going about their business. As they turned the corner, Pearl spotted a flower stand.
"Ooh!" she said. "Let me look here for a second. Come on, Phanny!" She skipped over to the flower stand, where many lovely plants were blooming in rows. Phanny hobbled over to look too. While they dallied there, Fitcher decided to buy a newspaper....not many towns published such things, but when there was news, they saw to it that there were newspapers. He opened it and glanced at the front page. Then he moaned. In large, bold letters it read:
"EXPLOSION IN CORONET, 3 INJURED"
He marveled at how fast news travelled in these parts. The explosion had been...what, one or two days ago? He just hoped there was no mention of his name anywhere. Even if he weren't a secret agent, he didn't want to be humiliated like this. Skimming the article, he found himself to be lucky....there were no names. To his chagrin, there was a mention of a scrawny, would-be hero....but if no one knew it was him, then why be upset? He decided not to show the paper to Phanny and Pearl, and quickly stashed it away in his thick white robes. After a moment, Pearl and the old woman hurried back over to join Fitcher. Pearl had a pink flower in her hair, and she smiled prettily. Fitcher tried vainly not to goggle, and Phanny just smirked.
They walked down the street to the inn, walking inside.
"Sorry, there's no rooms available." the clerk, a young man in his late twenties, said as they entered.
"What? But we came from Coronet!" Pearl cried, looking faint. The clerk smirked a little, but not noticeably.
"There are some people who've come from further than that, Miss. They need rooms as much as anyone." he returned.
"But I.....must save my people!!" she cried, looking as if she would pass out at any moment. The clerk looked guilty, but shrugged.
"There's nothing I can do. Our top suites ares rented out to travellers from the Queendom of Falena....most of our other rooms are just full..." the clerk explained.
"Are there any Matilda Knights?" Phanny asked suspiciously. Fitcher raised an eyebrow.
"Matilda Knights will do anything for a lady," she explained in a whisper. "I thought we could sucker some out of a room." Fitcher was a bit taken aback. This old lady was no fool!
"What if we paid double for it? We're really tired, you see." Fitcher bargained. The clerk look tempted.
"I...don't...know...about that..." he said. Phanny took matters into her own hands.
"We'll pay double the potch, and I'll throw in an amazing story of epic adventure, and it's all true." she said with a winning smile. For a horrified moment Fitcher thought she meant the mugging, and all it's gruesome details, like him getting burnt up. But she continued. "I'll tell you how I came to arrive in Coronet and met these fine folk, who I hear have had some adventures of their own." She eyed Pearl's low-cut dress for a moment, and Fitcher eyed it for more than a few moments.
"Well.....I suppose I'll have to hear this 'amazing story' first, then I'll decide..." the clerk said.
"Deal!" Pearl cried, ahead of herself as usual. Phanny sat in a chair, and gestured for them all to sit down. Fitcher sat next to Pearl, on Phanny's left. The old woman looked at the clerk.
"Aren't you coming?" she asked.
"Well...but..." he said nervously, looking at the door. "What if someone comes, and I have to wait on them? Dad'll be mad if I slack off..."
"Nonsense," Phanny insisted. "There's no vacancy, remember? Hang a sign in the window, and if your father comes, you are waiting on US. Okay?" Phanny's smooth-talking persuaded the clerk to sit down, and he looked intently at the old woman.
"I suppose I should start from the beginning..." Phanny said matter-of-factly.
************************
It was a dark and stormy night....thunder raged across the skies, and evil lurked around every corner---
************************
"Wait a minute," Fitcher interrupted, "This sounds hokey already. Just where did you start from, anyway?"
Phanny glared at him. "Lakewest, of course. All peaceful old ladies live in Lakewest, don't you know anything?!"
"I don't think there's many thunderstorms in Lakewest..." Pearl said uncertainly.
"Who's telling this story, you or me?!" Phanny snapped. "Now, as I was saying..."
*************************
It was a beautiful sunny day in Lakewest, and most of the peaceful old ladies and other citizens were outside, enjoying the weather, playing cards or having picnics on the lake. But not Phanny. No, Phanny was inside her house, feverishly packing her belongings.
She had finally made up her mind, about the biggest decision of her life. Phanny had been stuck in a horrible marriage for years. Her husband was a bizarre old grump who didn't give a care whether she was alive or dead, married to him or not. Although, he tended to pretend that he wanted her to stay married, just because he knew she hated him, and it gave him pleasure to give people misery. So he had forced her to stay, while he grumped about, prying into all her activities even though she herself knew little about what he did. He often went away on long trips, coming back and acting ever so secretive about what he had done. Phanny was fed up, and now she was leaving. It wasn't as if she had nowhere to go---Abraham, her dashing middle-aged lover, awaited her in Radat and had often urged her to leave her husband and join him, so they could live happily ever after.
Phanny desired this very much. She loved Abraham, everything about him; and hated everything about her husband, so she had decided to run away to Radat, while her husband was away in Muse City on a "business trip". She had bore no children with her despicable husband, so she was not leaving anything of worth in Lakewest, and had no regrets. She packed all her clothing and precious trinkets, along with a some paints, brushes, and a medium-sized ball. She really had no use for the ball, being too old to play without getting hurt, but any children she had with Abraham (though she WAS old) or any children in Radat would enjoy it, so she brought it. Her husband certainly had no use for it!
She trudged through the front door, thinking dark thoughts about her husband, but she brightened upon stepping outside. Everything was so bright and cheerful in Lakewest; it had to be, otherwise no peaceful old ladies would even consider living there. That was the funny thing about Lakewest---it had to be just about the most eventless place in the City-States of Jowston. The only dark spot the town had was, of course, her husband, a cheerless individual who luckily kept mostly to himself.
"Phanny! Where are you off to with all that?" Another old woman asked, hobbling over.
"I'm leaving, Petunia. There's nothing for me here now." Phanny said, striking a determined pose. Her determined poses sagged a little, for she wasn't as good at posing as she had been back when she had been a Helpless Maiden by trade. Ah, those were the days...
"Leaving?!" Petunia said, apalled but still curious, mostly for gossipy reasons. "But why would you leave Lakewest?" The concept was beyond her, as it was for most of the town's peaceful old ladies.
"My husband is a thoughtless, cruel, idiotic, uncaring fiend. I'm leaving to meet my True Love." Phanny said darkly, brightening only at the mention of her True Love. Petunia mentally recorded each word carefully so she could recite it later at a neighborhood gossip session, and then she spoke.
"I see. Is your true love that tall, dark, and handsome individual you've spoken so fondly about before?" Petunia asked perceptively.
"You're a good listener, and a good friend, Petunia. You're right, it's my Abraham..." Phanny said, sighing like a schoolgirl at the mention of his name.
"Good luck..." Petunia said. "We'll miss you." She hugged her.
"I'll miss all of you too. Oh, and one more thing? Don't tell the others until I've been gone for a few days...I don't want it getting out too early." Phanny said. Petunia looked shocked.
"Tell?? Whatever do you mean??" she asked innocently.
"I know you." Phanny said with a sly smile, and Petunia smiled back.
"Okay."
Phanny then ended her life as a peaceful old lady of Lakewest, and started her life as a daring, adventuring maiden (not exactly YOUNG maiden, but it would work) searching for her true love. Unsure of how to start this new life, she decided that first she had to leave Lakewest. The most expedient route seemed to be sailing from Lakewest to Coronet, then south to Kuskus, and on to Radat. But how to get a boat? Well, Phanny thought about for about two seconds, and then ran down to the docks.
"Oh, my back..." she mumbled. She saw a fisherman, then straightened. "Excuse me, kind sir?" The fisherman turned to her and smiled.
"What can I do for you, Mrs. Phanny?" he asked cordially.
"BURN!!!" Phanny screeched, roasting him with her Fire Rune, grabbing the oars out of his hands, beating him with them, hopping into his small boat and sailing out with a smile on her face and song in her heart. Damn, she was good at this.
She sailed out of Lakewest Harbor into the wide open lake, keeping near the shore so she wouldn't get lost out on the water. She wasn't too well-versed in handling seacraft, but she could handle this small boat. She let out the sails and moved in towards the delta, that was at the end of the river, where it emptied out into the lake just northeast of Lakewest. For a few hours it was smooth sailing, but as she neared the river delta, a storm loomed ahead. Storms were violent, and therefore not allowed in Lakewest, which made them unusually cranky. This particular storm must have been pushed out of Lakewest frequently, and was extra cranky when Phanny's boat came into view. Thunder rumbled and lightning crashed across the skies, and the waves became choppy. The winds picked up, forcing Phanny to take down some sail to keep from blowing over. She struggled to stay in control of the boat, but the storm fought harder, lashing out with all it had. The waves became increasingly violent, getting much taller than any water in a lake should get. Phanny desperately grasped at the riggings, but felt a burst of pain.
"Oh, my arthritis!" she cursed. "Curse you, foul storm!! Begone!" The storm took that opportunity to send the largest possible wave right underneath her boat, lifting it high into the air and bringing it crashing down onto---
Phanny woke up, presumably a few hours later, on a small island. She was confused at first, where on earth was she?! Her luggage was scattered across the beach.
"I suppose....I'm the only survivor." she said solemnly, angst filling her heart with sorrow. Then it occured to her that she had been the only passenger, and she brightened. She was also considerably happier to discover that she was not in fact on some deserted island in the outskirts of Hell, but in fact she was on the tiny island at the end of the river delta. The river split into two, going around the island and emptying into the lake.
Still, the river was too broad on both sides to swim across, the boat was in bad shape. It had a gaping hole that badly needed patching....it would not be seaworthy for a while, or even lakeworthy. Not even washtub-worthy, Phanny noted. As she gathered up her belongings, she spotted the paint set and the ball. A strange desire came over her, so she took the paints and proceeded to paint a face onto the ball. Once finished, she smiled and stood back to look at her work. The ball gazed back knowingly.
"I shall call you William Jackson." she said. She propped the ball against a tree, and then set about to look for food and shelter. If she was going to survive alone (not counting William Jackson) on this island, she needed to eat. Unfortunately, the island was merely part of a delta, not even large enough to have any food or shelter.
"Well, Jack," she said, addressing the ball, who merely stared, "I suppose I should patch up the boat then..." She started to walk away, then turned back.
"About that..." she said. "Do you prefer to be called William Jackson, just William, just Jackson, Jack, Willy or perhaps Bill, or maybe Billy?" She paused. "Or Timothy Bean?"
The ball sat and stared, of course saying nothing.
"Why, Jack! Giving me the silent treatment!!" she turned away tearfully. "After all I've done for you!!" The ball showed absolutely no concern at this.
"You're so infuriating!" Phanny cried angrily, storming off to find something to patch the boat with.
Fortunately, this small island (one might even call it a sandbar) made one feeble attempt to imitate a tropical desert island, and that was by leaving a nice wide leaf on the ground. It was thick enough to keep out water, and it certainly appeared to have come from a tropical tree. The fact that all trees in the area were evergreens did not discourage Phanny. She picked up the leaf, satisfied, and returned to the boat. She began searching through her belongings for something that would adhere the leaf to the side of the boat, sealing the hole. Eventually she found some paste, though she couldn't remember why on earth she had brought that with her. But, it worked. She sealed the hole airtight, or as close as a glued leaf could come to airtight, and then settled down next to William Jackson, scowling at him a little for good measure.
"Now, how can I make a fire?" Phanny pondered, for she would surely freeze at night without warmth, and it was almost night. She mulled over this for a while, and then glanced at Jackson.
"Jack, that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that??" she said, raising her right hand. "Flaming Arrows!!!" And so, they had fire, and it crackled on into the night as she settled down to sleep. William Jackson was kind enough to volunteer to be the watchman overnight, so she slept rather peacefully until morning.
In the morning, Phanny got up and stretched her aching joints. She was too old for this! But she was young at heart, so she supposed she could survive a while longer. And, she WAS hungry, not having eaten for a while.
"William, do you know where there's some food around here?" Phanny asked. The ball sat and stared, looking out across the river.
"The shore! Of course!!" Phanny cried, ecstatic. "Let's go, Jack!" She piled her belongings and William Jackson into the boat, and shoved it with some difficulty into the water. For a moment she was afraid it would sink, but it floated well enough. It would at least take her to shore, if nothing else. Finally, she was free of that accursed island! But as soon as she floated into the river, she saw a dismaying sight.
River pirates! River pirates were very scarce in any part of the world, mostly because pirates that raided river travellers looked rather ridiculous. Why raid on a narrow river when oceans or lakes would do? But evidently some existed, and now they were bearing down on Phanny.
"Arrrh!" they chorused, sailing their tiny craft toward Phanny's boat. Quickly she turned her own sailboat downstream, the current carrying her swiftly out onto the lake. She turned east and began catching the wind as fast as she could. But still the river pirates pursued, though they were somewhat uneasy about leaving their river and sailing on a body of water so wide as the lake.
"Arrrh!" they chorused. "Hand over yer booty, or we'll cutcher throat!"
Booty? Phanny had no booty of any kind. Then she suffered a horrible realization: they must be after William Jackson! He must have double-crossed them, or some such other valiant thing, and now they sought vengeance. Maybe Jack had some precious cargo with him.
"I'll never let you take Jack!" Phanny shouted defiantly. "Flaming Arrows!" She raised her glowing hand, and shot a red hot fireball through one of their sails.
This evidently enraged them, for some obscure reason, and they let out more sails so they could catch up and do great bodily harm to Phanny. She couldn't imagine why. In fact, she found their tiny boat, loaded up with river pirates, with so many sails it could probably fly if the wind was strong enough, quite funny indeed. So she laughed. One pirate, evidently the captain (his pegleg, parrot, and eyepatch didn't give this away at all) grabbed his scabbard and pulled out---a small icepick. Everything about them was small, it seemed. Phanny realized the implications of that and laughed even harder.
"Arrrh!" the captain cried. "Ye shan't defeat Cap'n Jesse Huglabugla!" Phanny rolled around on the floor of her boat, cracking up. She didn't even feel threatened anymore. The pirates sailed closer, and the Captain raised his icepick.
"You can't reach Jackson from here, you brutes!" Phanny shouted, sticking her tongue out.
"Arrrh, ye scurvy dog! I'll sink ya fer yer defiance!" the captain yelled, and he hurled the icepick.
The boat, which she had lovingly dubbed "Titanium", was supposedly well-patched. The leaf, however, could stand up to water but not sharp objects.
"ICE-P-I-I-I-CK!!!" Phanny shrieked, as her patch was ruptured by the pirate's weapon. The pirates guffawed as the boat began to sink---fast. Phanny steered toward shore frantically, but the "Titanium" was sinking too rapidly. Phanny gave up on trying to control the boat, and concentrated on grabbing all her stuff, trying to salvage something. All she managed to get was her cane, and William Jackson. She clung to the painted ball, looking tearfully into its eyes as the boat went down.
"I'll always love you!" she cried desperately. "Never let go, Jack! Never..let..go...." Before she blacked out, two words popped inexplicably into her mind: Angsty-Pants.
The next morning, Phanny woke up on a sandy beach, feeling groggy. She was extremely hungry, and couldn't remember much. Suddenly it all came flooding back---the storm, the island, the pirates...and Jack! Poor, poor Jack....
Then she reconsidered, thinking rationally for once.
"Jack is a ball with a painted face. Now that I'm back on land, I don't need him." she reasoned. "To Hell with him! I'm almost to Coronet anyway!!" So she gathered herself up, and realized that she was extremely hungry! She hadn't eaten in two days. She could barely walk under normal circumstances, so near it was a nearly impossible chore. But, she gathered her courage and slowly stumbled towards civilization.
Civilization happened to be a run-down place known as the Black Sheep Inn. The innkeeper's wife, Marta, was concerned for Phanny's health and fixed lots of homemade food.
"Eat up, you look famished." Marta said generously. Phanny obliged, and gobbled down all the delicious dishes. They weren't fancy gourmet dishes, but Phanny certainly wasn't going to be choosy.
"We don't get many visitors here at the Black Sheep Inn," Marta explained. "The White Deer Inn near Muse is so much more popular. But, we do have a few regulars." She nodded towards a grizzled man in the corner who looked so regular, he probably hadn't left that spot for ten years. Indeed, the cobwebs gathering around him seemed to prove the point.
"Mmm hmm." Phanny said while chewing. A few hours later after she had eaten her fill, she told Marta about her journey.
"River pirates! My, aren't we exciting! Mel, have you ever seen a river pirate?" Marta asked the grizzled man, who ignored her and merely scratched himself in unmentionable locations, then resumed his career as a virtual statue. Phanny smiled congenially, but he said nothing.
"Well, if you're headed to Coronet, my husband can take you." Marta offered. "He has a cart he takes there every week, filled with various goods."
Phanny emphatically hoped that her husband wasn't Mel. As it turned out, it was an equally grizzled but much more personable man by the name of Thompson.
He loaded up his cart, attached it to his old mule, and hoisted Phanny up into the seat.
"You jes' make yerself comfortable, ya hear? It won' take long ta get ta Cor'net." Thompson said cheerfully, jumping up in the seat and whipping the mule. (Gently, of course---it looked like that mule would fall apart if treated too badly) The cart creaked to a start and then kept creaked down the road, heading east.
***********************
"And so," concluded Phanny, "Then I went on to Coronet, and met you folks. The rest is history."
Fitcher and Pearl blinked, staring. Fitcher had absolutely no idea what to say---several ideas crossed his mind, but they weren't at all polite---so he just sat there. The clerk looked skeptical.
"How do I know this is true?" he asked. Phanny's eyes caught something hanging out of Fitcher's robes, so she grabbed it. It was the newspaper. She unfolded it and smiled smugly, handing it to the clerk.
"Hmmm...'Explosion in Coronet, 3 Injured'.." he read, looking at the paper. He looked up at Fitcher.
"This is about you?" he asked. Fitcher suddenly wanted to crawl into a ditch or severely hurt Phanny, maybe both for good measure.
"Yeah! Fitchy got blown up!" giggled Pearl. Hurting Pearl was then added to Fitcher's list of things he wanted to do that moment.
"Believe it or don't, I told my story, and it's true." Phanny proclaimed. "Now, about that room you promised us..."
The clerk looked reluctant, but then he seemed to remember the frequent use of Phanny's Fire Rune in her story. His eyes flickered nervously to the newspaper headline.
"All right, I'll get you guys a room." he said, walking up the stairs to the rooms.
Phanny turned to them.
"All this storytelling makes me hungry. How about those cookies you mentioned, Fitcher?" she said, eyeing the brown wrapped box at Fitcher's feet.
"Okay, we'll have them." Fitcher said, picking up the box. As he unwrapped it, he looked at Phanny. "Did you really do all that stuff you told us about, or is it a load of dung?" Phanny looked extremely affronted, and glared at him.
"Of course it's true!" she said haughtily. "I wouldn't lie about such a thing."
They were interrupted by a horrified scream from Pearl.
"What?!" Fitcher cried. "What is it?" She pointed wildly at the box. Fitcher looked down, and where there should have been cookies---there was a GUN.
"What the---?!!" he cried, almost dropping the box.
"What kind of cookies did you say your mother gave you?!" Phanny asked.
"T-that's a GUN!!" Pearl cried. "Only members of the Howling Voice Guild of Harmonia use them! Where did you get it?!!" Fitcher was just as baffled as any of them.
"I don't know---wait." he said, suffering an obligatory flashback.
"Watch where you're going! You made me drop my package! This is a very important package, you bumbler!"
"Wait...." Fitcher said. "When we got on the ferry at Coronet, I bumped into a woman. I think our packages got switched!"
"That means she must be a Guild member." Pearl said, sounding much more coherent than she usually did.
"Which means, of course..." Phanny said matter-of-factly, "That this woman now has cookies instead of a pistol. She'll be after you for sure." Fitcher's heart dropped. Harmonian Guild members, after him!!!
"I need to contact---" he began, then he realized that Phanny still didn't know he was a secret agent. "...someone. I need to write a letter, right now."
He sat down to write on a piece of parchment. He had to write to Nok-Nok---after all, he WAS the weapons specialist for MSSA. He'd know what to do. But he didn't know Nok-Nok's real name, so could not mail a letter to him in Muse. So, he'd mail it to Nora, and she would pass it on.
"Dear Nora, please give this letter to Nok-Nok. It's urgent.
Nok-Nok, I've accidentally acquired a gun from a Howling Voice Guild Member. It accidentally fell into my hands at Coronet, and now I don't know what to do. Please help.
We are in Kuskus right now, but by the time you get this, we'll be at South Window.
-Agent Fitcher "Flaming Duck" "
He scribbled fast and furiously, and dashed outside to mail the letter. A few minutes later, he came back into the inn to find Pearl and the clerk marveling over the pistol. The clerk looked up as he entered.
"Why didn't you tell me you were Guild members? I could have gotten you a room easier." he asked.
"Never mind. Put that away." Fitcher said somewhat tightly. Pearl obliged, gingerly placing the lid back on the box and handing it to him. The clerk led them to their room. They would have to share because of scarcity, but a room was a room. He plopped down onto the bed, suddenly much more tired than before, probably because of the weight on his shoulders.
"Do you really think the Guild will come after me?" he asked no one in particular.
"It wouldn't be the first time they've chased someone who illegally possessed one of their weapons. But be careful, Fitcher. I've heard that some guns have souls. There's more to them than meets the eye, much like myself." Phanny said from her bed. She winked at him, smiling grimly.
"Fitcher?" Pearl said from her bed.
"Yeah?"
"The light in this room is making my hair lose its luster..." she complained.
"Shut UP, Pearl." he snapped, resisting the urge to strangle her.
A gun.
Boy, was he in deep trouble now!
