So, when he found himself in a tiny shack, facing some mad-mind-controlled teenager who evidently now wanted him dead, he figured wishing for a way out of this wasn't going to help him much.
"B-byhaps! Snap out of it!" he said, futilely. The teenager was a vision from a nightmare--His messy green-brown hair practically stood on end, and his eyes were completely white, without pupils. He spoke in a soulless monotone voice.
"Prepare to die." he repeated.
"J-just a minute, now. What the hell is this?!" Shrapnel, the elf, cried. Byhaps turned his head slowly towards him.
"You must die." he droned.
"Godfrey! Flaming Ar--" Shrapnel began, but Byhaps, with some unhuman strength, grabbed Shrapnel by the neck and threw him through the wall of the shack. Now, Fitcher figured the wall was not well built, anyway, but that still had to hurt.
This was confirmed by the fact that Shrapnel didn't get back up. Godfrey quacked uncertainly, sitting on his master's chest, but needed no more prompting. The duck took flight, and red light flashed from its' head.
Another thing Fitcher found himself wishing for was less pain in his life. Pain was not happy, it hurt. Dammit. However, he couldn't help but feel some pain as the shack violently exploded from the Fire Rune's spell, sending shattered, flaming pieces of lumber flying everywhere. Fitcher blacked out for a minute, and found himself laying in the woods, amongst a few trees that were burning. Byhaps was standing over him, with a large, broken shard of wood from the shack that had a very sharp end on it.
"Byhaps, STOP!" Fitcher shouted. The knight-in-training paused for a second, but then went forward with his apparent plan to impale Fitcher in a very painful fashion.
"Pain isn't happy, you know. It hurts." Fitcher said, swinging his leg into Byhaps' and tripping him, and then running the hell away from there.
******
Fitcher's associates, however, were on their way, still thinking that he was under attack by Shrapnel. Agent Orange, Saxanne, and Dublos ran as fast as they could towards the White Deer Inn.
"How long has it been since you left him?" Dublos asked.
"...Too long, I'd say." Orange said worriedly. "Look, you can see the smoke from here!" Indeed, clouds of smoke were rising above the forest.
"Speaking of fire, my dear Orange, how about we pause for a little...PASSION?" Dublos said slyly.
"Are you mad?" Orange asked incredulously. "We're in a HURRY. Although with you, I doubt it would take that long."
"You insult me, Orange! Why, I can go All! Night! Long!" Dublos crowed.
"...you disgust me, Dublos." Orange spat.
"Thanks. I get that a lot." Dublos said with a grin. Orange rolled her eyes.
"Come on, we'd better hurry." Saxanne said, walking faster than everyone else.
******
In Muse, in the underground headquarters of MSSA, something was about to occur that was not possible in this universe. It had been attempted before, but circumstance had always bursted in, preventing it from being. Now, it would try again.
Agent T was going to relax. He sat down in his nice, comfortable chair, put his feet up, grabbed a nice mug of coffee, and--
"Agent T, we have a problem." Kent, the door guard, said, bursting into his office. T sighed.
"What is it, this time?" he asked.
"The forest east of Muse is burning, sir. I think it has something to do with our agents." Kent said. Something else was on fire? Sure, of course it was our agents' fault! T sighed again. Dammit, it always was.
"Well, get some firefighters out there and put it out." he ordered.
"I'm afraid it's more serious than that, sir." Kent said nervously. "Several witnesses say that a fight has broken out. I think the boy--the arson suspect--is on a rampage, again." T stood up.
"...What?" T said. "But...we had..."
"This woman here says she saw part of it before fleeing." A woman with a bloodstained, charred dress, bandages, missing teeth, scorched hair, and eyepatch and a sling hobbled in.
"My name is Sally, General. I'd be honored to fight the Dark Rose Empire in your Rebel Army." Self-Sacrifice Sally proclaimed.
"Er...say what, now? This isn't a rebel army, miss." Agent T corrected.
"Where are those Imperial dogs?!" Sally roared. "I'd gladly lay my life down on the line, after they torched Maranda, Tzen, Alb--"
"What are you talking about, you lunatic?!" T cried, more than a little impatient. "I just want to know what you SAW."
"Ahem. That elf and the sweet agent with the headband were fighting in the woods....those rabid wolves attacked me...I saved a woman in orange from a Bon-bon...got ran over by a carriage...then I went back into the woods, and this shack exploded. Some guy with no eyeballs is tryin' to kill everyone." Sally shrugged.
"We'd better hurry. Round up some agents, Kent." T said.
"Er..." Kent said uncertainly.
"On second thought, escort Lady Sally out of here, and I'll find them. Let's go, move!" T said. Kent hopped to it, taking Sally out with him. T ran out of his office, and looked frantically around the complex. Nok-Nok and Clinker were standing guard over at the entrance to the cellblock area.
"You two, come quickly. The others are in some kind of trouble. You need to go to the White Deer Inn, right away!" T shouted.
"Huh? All right, Clinker..." Nok-Nok said.
"GOTCHA!" he shouted, and they vanished in a bright flash.
******
Fitcher had managed to lose Byhaps for the moment, and was hiding behind some of the trees that weren't currently baking. He had gotten to Shrapnel's body, and dragged it over with him. He had no control over Godfrey, but it seemed to be a pretty shrewd duck, because it wasn't moving at all from its hiding place in the branches of the tree. He glanced over at the edge of the forest, where the shack had been setting up against a large stone ruin. If he could somehow get inside there, he might be able to get away long enough for his friends to arrive. Where WERE they, anyway?
He looked around, and made a mad dash for the stone wall, which was slanted, almost pyramid like, which levels stacked on top of one another, each one getting smaller as it went up. He heard Byhaps spring into action from behind him, charging with superhuman speed towards his back. He leapt just in time, barely clearing the lip of the first ledge on the ruin. Byhaps hit the wall with a crash.
"Prepare to die!" he shouted.
"Yeah, I know." Fitcher replied sourly, attempting to scale his way into the ruins. Byhaps smoothly backflipped up there, and began attempting to squeeze Fitcher's throat shut.
"G...ack..." Fitcher choked, trying to kick Byhaps away.
Suddenly, Fitcher heard a group of people running through the forest. Orange, Dublos, and Saxanne ran in.
"...!" Fitcher waved his arms around. Orange pointed.
"He's there! Hurry---huh?! Isn't that the kid--?" Fitcher kicked Byhaps off of him, and he fell from the ruins.
"*gasp* Shrapnel's on our side, but he's out cold! Byhaps is going nuts again, help, help!" Fitcher said, trying to keep it brief.
Orange and Dublos wasted no time, and sprang into action. Orange front-flipped up to the ledge, and Dublos took on a fighting position down in the forest. Byhaps shook his head and got back up.
"You must die. You must die." he droned.
Orange pulled out her wicked sword, and held it sideways above her head.
"Go right ahead and try it." she said.
"Wait." Fitcher said. "This is gonna sound weird, but we can't just go and kill him, even if he is attacking us. I'm telling you, he's under mind control. He wouldn't do this. Hurt him if you must...but no killing."
"Right." Dublos said, pulling out a blowdart of all things. "This should put him right out."
"Saxanne, come on, give us a hand here!" Saxanne raised her hand, chanted for a moment, and turned to Dublos.
"Spring of Life--Charm Arrow!" she cried. Pink beams of holy light swirled in the air, converging on Dublos and blasting him over the wall and into the Sindar Ruins.
"--SAXANNE! YOU--" Orange gasped.
"Kill them, Byhaps." she ordered. Byhaps sprang up and knocked Orange's sword out of her hand. She wasted no time in grabbing his arm, spinning around and chucking him into the sky, however.
"Saxanne, don't tell me it was you all along!" Fitcher cried.
"Of course it was me." she replied.
There was a flash of light, and Nok-Nok and Clinker emerged.
"You guys, hurry! Knock out Byhaps and Saxanne!!" Fitcher shouted.
"Oh, curses...not more to kill. This will get messy." Saxanne said. The rune on her forehead, the Spring of Life Rune, shone brightly.
"What's she doing? I thought that was a healing rune!" Nok-Nok said. Saxanne smiled, floating up to the top of the outer wall of the ruins.
"It is. But it is actually half of the legendary rune, Deletia!" she cried joyously. "The other half is attached to the forehead of that pathetic boy. I've been waiting all my life for this moment."
"Explain yourself, Saxanne. What's this all about?" Clinker demanded. Saxanne sighed.
"I suppose, if you insist. It was seven years ago in Highland that I found these runes---Spring of Life, and Biohazard. Deletia is not a True Rune, but once broken it cannot be remade. But I had to have the power! Power, you understand? So, I found this boy on a farm. I kidnapped him, and attached the Biohazard Rune. Legend had it that the greater half of the rune, mine, could control the bearer of the lesser half---him. But before I could test it, a Matilda Knight found me out, and saved the boy. Still, I would not give up. As a member of the MSSA, I had access to anything I needed. Eventually, I knew, the power of my rune would draw the boy down into Muse. There, I tested the power, on the Muse Library."
"You're sick. You ensnare an innocent boy for your own little games?!" Orange spat.
"You fools don't understand power. The power of Deletia is magnificent! It is my life's dream." Saxanne said, giddy. Byhaps, who was still under Saxanne's control, appeared to be listening in on her explanation, and stopped trying to fight for a moment.
"What are you doing? Kill them!" Saxanne ordered.
"Into the ruins!" Clinker cried. He teleported, and took Fitcher, Orange, and Nok-Nok with him.
Dublos was unconscious on the ground. The ruins were empty, except for what appeared to be a homeless woman next to a fire in a corner.
"Get out of here! It's dangerous, go!" Fitcher urged. The woman made no response. Saxanne appeared in the ruins, with Byhaps next to her.
"You can't deny me my lifelong dream! I worked thirteen years for this!!" Saxanne raged. Byhaps charged forward, holding a double-bladed sword that Saxanne had evidently given him. He waved it in an arc, making the MSSA agents jump back. Clinker produced a golden staff, and Nok-Nok pulled a spiked mace out of his top hat (how did he wear that thing under there??) Fitcher and Orange were weaponless, but could still defend themselves a bit.
Nok-Nok sprang forward, his weapon spinning so fast it was a blur. He waved it over his head, and then to his side, and the force of the blow shattered one of the blades on Byhaps' weapon. He was not deterred.
"You...must...die!" he cried, jabbing towards Nok-Nok's gut. The stout man jumped back just in time. Fitcher had had enough. He pulled out his gun, Bill.
"Saxanne, stop this right now, or I'll have to kill you!" he shouted grimly. Saxanne laughed.
"Go ahead." She said, teleporting. Clinker ran up to her.
"Let's go, now, Saxanne. This ends here." he said. She teleported up into the air, and he followed her.
All Fitcher could see now was an intense battle of teleportation, a speck of a person flitting here and there. It was impossible to see any movements.
"Holy cow!" Fitcher said.
"What's her power level??" Orange asked.
"I...I can't get a reading. It's too powerful!" Fitcher cried.
"That's impossible!" Orange gasped.
******
Kent and Self-Sacrifice Sally were walking past the burning forest and the White Deer Inn, when Sally stopped.
"Er...Lady Sally..." Kent said nervously.
"I must help them!" Sally said suddenly. "The Dark Rose Empire killed my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my dog, my fianc�, my sweet old granny and my seven children. They must pay!" Kent stared at her, in awe.
"Wow...really?" he asked. Sally smiled.
"No. But that speech will cost you five potch." she said. Kent, stunned, paid her.
"Now, we must vanquish those Imperial dogs!" Sally cried, charging towards the woods. Kent followed, numbly.
What a woman! I think I'm in love!
******
Byhaps got the upper hand, sliding his leg under Nok-Nok's and knocking the short man onto his back. He then held up his hand, pointed into the air, and an energy ball began generating in his hand.
"Dark Rose Empire!" came a voice from above. "I cannot forgive the injustice you have bestowed on our free people!" Fitcher glanced upward, where Self-Sacrifice Sally and Kent, the door guard, were standing up at the top of the ruins. Sally's hair blew dramatically in the moonlight. Kent, a minor character, wasn't able to be dramatic, and so, just stood there. Byhaps fired off his energy ball towards where Saxanne and Clinker were flitting around.
In a fit of anti-climacticness, the ball hit Saxanne and knocked her out of the air.
"You fool!" Saxanne cried, falling to the ground. She shook with rage. "Why...why don't you understand? All of you, this fight is pointless. Go to your dooms, as destiny demands! I have searched all my life for a rune of power! I cannot get a True Rune, such as the Circle Rune, or the Gate Rune! It cannot be, I must have Deletia..." She ranted. Byhaps turned to Fitcher, Orange and Nok-Nok.
"You must die." he said, charging up another energy beam. Orange sprang to the side, Nok-Nok rolled out of the path, and Fitcher...wasn't quick enough. He felt his body get impacted, however, by a certain 'rebel hero'.
"You shall not perish, Locke! I shall take the blow!" Self-Sacrifice Sally screamed, diving in the path of the beam.
Suddenly, Kent shot out of the shadows, knocking HER out of the way.
"This is ridiculous." Saxanne muttered.
"You can't die, Sally! I...I love you!" Kent cried, getting blasted across the ruins and slumping over. Byhaps began shooting beams of energy like they were going out of style. Fitcher fired several shots at Saxanne, but she got out of the way through teleportation.
"For heaven's sake!" Saxanne swore. "Stealing the Gate Rune itself would be less trouble than this!!!"
The homeless woman in the corner suddenly stood up and threw off her cape, anime-style.
"Would it?"
"Oh dear lord, it's Leknaat." Fitcher moaned.
"You, missy, are loud and quite annoying. Scaring my toad, you are. I'm going to have to shut you up." Leknaat said, stomping over to Saxanne.
"W-what? Lady LEKNAAT? The Seer??" Saxanne said, slightly starstruck.
"I've got a License to Grill, my dear, and your ass is next on my list." Leknaat spat, holding up some kind of official card.
"Y...you ridiculous clowns! Everyone is against my power!" Saxanne fumed. "Byhaps! Destroy them all, NOW!"
Byhaps hesitated. He closed his eyes, as if trying to resist her control over him.
"Do it." she said severely. "Or I'll--" She was cut off as Leknaat bitch-slapped her, and backflipped several times, running into a wall and falling over from loss of balance.
"Sparky, eat her!" Lekkie cried. Her lone toad hopped out of her cloak, and sat there, unmoving. It croaked.
Byhaps went ballistic. He moved so fast, Fitcher couldn't keep track of it all. Nok-Nok suddenly went crashing into a wall, and Orange found herself hit in the stomach by a powerful blow.
"Ughh.." she cried, collapsing. Fitcher found himself on the ground, in pain, and without his gun.
"A power struggle! What fun!" Leknaat proclaimed, hopping up. She raised both hands. "Now, what was that rune of mine again?...Aha!"
"N-not the True Rune...!" Saxanne gasped. She decided she'd better defend herself, and extended both hands as well. Bolts of energy flew from her fingers, pinning Leknaat to the wall. Leknaat's entire body began to glow with blue light, and Fitcher could see his gun, on the ground a yard away, glowing as well.
"True Rune of Macaroni...go!" Leknaat shouted. Nothing happened. "Rats, that's not it..."
"Leknaat, it's the Gate Rune! The Gate Rune!" Fitcher cried desperately. Bolts of energy continued to lance into Leknnat, but she didn't seem to notice.
"Hmm? The Gate Rune!?" Leknaat cried, pointing at Saxanne. "She has the Gate Rune? But that's MINE!" A burst of invisible force emanated from Leknaat, and knocked both Saxanne and Byhaps over.
"Accursed seer...you're nothing more than a senile fool. Your Gate Rune is overrated, I see." Saxanne said, struggling to her feet. "And now your time is up." She raised her hand, and tapped her forehead.
"I've never been more insulted! What have you done with my toads, OMINOUS??" Leknaat shouted.
"No more games. Fingertips of Death--" Saxanne said.
Suddenly, a gunshot rang off. Then another, and another. Saxanne slumped forward, and fell to the ground. She was dead.
Byhaps was holding Fitcher's pistol, still pointed at where she had been standing. He was back to normal. He was shaking. He dropped the gun.
"Hah! Teach you to steal my chicken, bitch!" Leknaat cried triumphantly, kicking Saxanne's body.
"B...byhaps?" Fitcher asked uncertainly.
"The Empress is dead!" Sally cheered. "Hurray for the Rebellion!" Byhaps walked over to Fitcher.
"S-she stole my whole life..." he said, shaking.
"It's okay, it's over now..." Fitcher said, getting up and hugging the teenager. "She'll never touch you again, now."
"...thanks, Fitcher..." Byhaps murmured.
Orange got up slowly, holding her gut in pain.
"Thank the gods, she's dead..." she said. Clinker shook his head.
"It's a shame, when good agents go bad like that."
"She was never good." Byhaps said darkly.
"Well, we don't have to worry about that anymore." Nok-Nok said, rubbing his head. Leknaat was doing a little dance with Sally, and Dublos was just waking up.
"What...? What happened?" he cried, sitting up and looking at the scene of the battle.
"We'll explain later." Orange said. Dublos looked over and saw Leknaat. His eyes gleamed strangely. He got up and walked over to her.
"Sweet...angel!" he murmured.
"What? Where??" Leknaat cried, looking around frantically.
"Will you marry me?" Dublos said suddenly. Fitcher just about fell over. Leknaat stared at Dublos, then laughed.
"That's a good one." Leknaat said with a smile.
"I mean it! I have never seen beauty as fair as yours..." Dublos cried. "Must I get on my knees and beg??"
"Sorry, kid, I gotta go. I'm not even sure where the hell this is. Has anyone seen Sparky?" Leknaat said. Clinker handed Leknaat her wayward toad, and she walked away.
"No, don't go! You're my True Love!" Dublos said desperately.
"Silly boy." Leknaat said, "I only appear in people's bedrooms when they don't expect it. Isn't that right, Fitchums?" She winked, and vanished in a soft blue light. Dublos looked at him, his mouth hanging open. Fitcher had finally done something DUBLOS could be jealous of.
"How's Kent...?" Orange asked Sally, who was kneeling next to the fallen guard. Sally shook her head. Orange checked for a pulse.
"...sorry..." she murmured.
"If only we could wish him back." Sally said.
"Nothing's stopping you from wishin'." Nok-Nok said with a shrug. Sally closed her eyes, and nodded. Kent woke up, and nearly everyone had a heart attack.
"K-kent! You're alive!" marveled Orange.
"That's right...I felt the power...!" Kent said.
"The...power?" Byhaps said worriedly.
"Yes!" Self-Sacrifice Sally cried triumphantly. "The power of...love!" Sally and Kent embraced and shared one of those passionate-type kisses that Dublos seemed to be so skilled at.
"LOVE CONQUERS ALL!" the two of them cheered.
"Hey...! Hey, you guys...T is on his way." called a voice from up on the outer wall. It was accompanied by a quack.
"Shrapnel!" Fitcher said, waving.
"Let's...let's get out of here, shall we?" Orange said. They all nodded, and Clinker teleported them out of the ruins.
In front of the White Deer Inn, a haggard group of travelers appeared. A woman wrapped in bandages with an eyepatch and a sling. A red-headed woman, cut in the forehead, and badly bruised, carrying a sword. A scrawny man with a severe headache and a desire to eat pudding. A stout man with a torn top hat and a tux that had seen better days. A young man with a loud orange jumpsuit and a pointed hat. A mortally wounded guard, who had found his True Love. A handsome charming man who wondered why the heck his True Love had vanished. An elf carrying a duck, and a teenager who for the first time, was in control of his own life.
"Man...this is so depressing." Clinker said.
"Saxanne, a supervillain? It's unthinkable." Dublos sighed. "Lesbians these days are just so EVIL..."
"She's not a lesbian, Dublos..." sighed Orange.
"Boy...it'll be nice to be back." Nok-Nok said.
"We'll need something to cheer us up." Shrapnel said.
"Fitcher, care to don that getup again?"
"Go to HELL." Fitcher said, but he cracked a smile, as did the rest of them. As the road split between Coronet and Muse, Sally and Kent took the south road, to Coronet.
"Where are you off to, Kent?"
"Er...that's...Self-Sacrifice Kent, now." Kent said. "Sally and I are going back to Radat. I'm quitting MSSA."
"Good for you two! You make such a...er..." Orange said. "...Battered couple."
"Why, thank you!" Sally said cheerfully.
"Fitcher...?" Byhaps said. "Do you mind if I stay with you for a while longer?"
"Of course not, Byhaps. I insist on it." Fitcher said. "C'mon, let's go home."
"If someone wants to stay at my place...er, Orange, I think your wounds need tending, and I'm the man for you. A little leather and honey will fix you right up." Dublos suggested desperately.
"...Dublos, you disgust me." she sighed.
Godfrey quacked in agreement, and they all made their way home to Muse.
Fitcher had seen many things that night...love, betrayal, death and victory...but what had he learned from all of it?
Mostly, don't mess with the homeless if they've got a License to Grill.
