"Quite busy, I'm afraid..." Dublos replied dutifully. "I'm afraid I have to save the world, you see."
"Oh, wow, Sir!" the guard exclaimed admirably. He gestured to Fitcher and the others. "Are these folk your assistants?"
"Haha, my good man, these people are a bit more than that."
"Well, be careful!" the guard said earnestly. "You guys, make sure Sir Evan comes out all right, okay?" Dublos laughed a hearty, fake laugh.
"Ah, ha ha! There will be no problem there. Onward, everyone! We mustn't dally, if we are to catch the villain!" He marched dashingly away from Muse, followed in silence by Orange, Fitcher, and Saxanne.
"He's SO cool!!" exclaimed the guard.
Coming upon a farm down the road, Dublos Evan sprang into action once again. A downcast looking farmer and his dowdy wife stood by the roadside.
"Excuse me---" Orange began, about to ask the farmer's about the whereabouts of the elf they were chasing, Shrapnel. But Dublos swooped down on the farmer's wife, swept her into his arms and gave her a kiss bursting with fiery passion!
"Mmmm--" she said, trying to speak. The farmer, as expected, was not pleased.
"Now just a minute here!!" he said. Dublos, still with the farmer's wife limp in his arms, looked straight at the farmer, and flashed his most dashing, shiny-teeth filled smile. The farmer shrugged, suddenly content and happy.
"The elf went that way." he pointed, smiling.
"Thank you, kind sir." Dublos said smoothly.
"He went east, towards Toto..." the farmer's wife breathed, "Will we ever see you again...?"
"Perhaps...someday." Dublos said, passionately kissing the farmer's wife again, before releasing her and heading down the road to the east.
"Come on, you slackers, hurry up!" he said with a sly wink.
"He's SO charming!!" the farmer and his wife sighed.
Further eastward, as they walked, they came upon a beautiful woman who was devastated and crying. Her cat was stuck up in a tree.
"M-my poor kitty!" she sobbed.
"Don't worry, miss..." Dublos said, leaping up to the very branch the cat was on in one bound. He grabbed the kitty, and leapt down onto the ground. He not only landed perfectly, but set the cat down and swept the woman into his arms in one motion.
"Oh, thank you!" she cried happily, kissing him passionately. Dublos returned the kiss, and released the woman.
"All in a day's work, my dear." he said noblely.
"Oh, you handsome man! Will I ever...see you again?" she asked.
"Perhaps...someday." Dublos said, giving the woman some sort of salute before continuing down the road. She nodded tearfully, waving her handkerchief as the wind blew her white dress and hair around dramatically.
"He's SO heroic!!" the woman sighed dreamily.
He's SO going to make me puke, Fitcher thought, as he and the other two agents walked behind the sickening bag of charm that was Agent Dublos Evan. Fitcher had never been on an actual mission with Dublos, and he had no idea how his partners--especially Nora--were able to hold down their lunches when they did. It was so infuriating! Everyone loved him, no matter what! How could anyone so PERFECT exist? Besides, it was making Fitcher and the others look like heels.
"Dublos..." Agent Orange said, "Ease up on the big heroics, all right? We have to find Shrapnel before he flees the country or something."
"He's not leaving. He's near the White Deer Inn." Saxanne said suddenly. Fitcher stared at her.
"Er...say what now?"
"I said, he must be near the White Deer Inn. He's expecting us to over-shoot and go straight for Toto. There are plenty of places to hide near that Inn, he's probably hiding there." Saxanne reasoned.
"Well, Saxanne, are you sure?" Orange asked uncertainly. She gestured to the east. "The river from Toto flows down to Radat, eventually--an easy avenue of escape to the Scarlet Moon Empire. Wouldn't he go that way, instead of wasting his time hiding out?"
"You have a point, Orange..." Dublos said. "It's settled, then! Saxanne and I can search Toto, and you and Fitcher can search the Inn." Saxanne looked less than pleased by this development.
"If you insist, although I have a hunch he won't be in Toto..." the runemistress replied.
"Come! We must hurry!" Dublos cried, charging off to the east.
"All right, all right, I'm coming." Saxanne said, following him at a less-than-eager pace.
Fitcher watched them go, and then turned to Orange.
"I don't believe we've had the chance to work together, before....Fitcher, was it?" she said, smiling.
"That's right, Agent Fitcher." he shook her hand.
"And I'm Agent Orange." she introduced.
"Glad to meet you." Fitcher said. "So. Where should we look, first?"
"Well..." Orange said, looking over towards the east. The paved road, which became a dirt road the farther it went from Muse City, wound right past a charming little inn right at the edge of a thick, wooded area. Fitcher could see Saxanne and Dublos walking---they were just passing the little inn, called the White Deer Inn.
"Think he'd hide in the inn?" Fitcher wondered.
"No, he's more clever than that. He IS an elf. He can hide well enough in the forest. I think we should check there." Orange said, starting towards the inn.
As they walked, Fitcher wondered something.
"Say...Orange..." he said.
"Yes?"
"Why is Agent T always having you chase after this Shrapnel guy? Was he your partner or something, what's up with him?" Orange laughed prettily, her gold hoop earrings jingling as she did so. She brushed a strand of fire-red hair out of her face and tapped her very mean looking sword.
"I work alone." she said with a wink.
"Ah....ha...." Fitcher said, not sure what to think.
"As for Shrapnel, I'm just a good tracker, and one needs a good tracker to find an elf who doesn't want to be found." Orange explained.
"He was an agent, though?" Fitcher asked.
"Yes..." Orange said, sighing. "He let his emotions get the best of him, and went and did something really stupid, I think. Even then, if he would have let us help him...but no, he had to go and kidnap a prime suspect for arson!" Fitcher frowned.
"Hey now. Byhaps is NOT a suspect." he said.
"The last time I checked, he was. Did he not blow up the city library?" Orange inquired.
"He...DID, but he wasn't under his own control..." Fitcher said, annoyed. "Darryl Kriegstoff was behind it."
"..Darryl??" Orange said, puzzled. "I hadn't heard that. Hmph, I'm always uninformed. I leave for a second, and all the tables turn on me. Well, that's life, I guess." She shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess it is..." Fitcher said.
******
"Thank you, kind sir!" a family of four cried joyously, after having been rescued from a burning house single-handedly by Dublos.
"All in a day's work, my friends. All in a day's work." Dublos insisted honorably. He walked away, waving happily.
"Byyye!" the youngest daughter said, waving.
"Thanks for saving us, mister!" the son said.
"Honey, let's name our next child DUBLOS in honor of OUR hero!" the father said cheerfully.
"Oh, he's SO dreamy!" the mother said happily.
"...are you done here? I admire your noble deeds and everything, but we DON'T want something happening to that boy, you know. Shrapnel isn't playing, you know." Saxanne said, more than slightly annoyed at the delay.
"Quite done, my dear!" Dublos said congenially. She began walking away, back onto the road again.
"You seem annoyed, my dear. Perhaps we can pause for some...pleasure?" Dublos said slyly.
"No." Saxanne declined flatly, not stopping.
"Oh, come now, Saxanne..." Dublos said, "It pains me to see you without a spark in your life. You go on solitary missions, you have no significant other...and now Darryl has been taken from you, as well. I want to give you the gift that only I can give. The gift...of PASSION." Saxanne stopped dead, and stared Dublos straight in the face.
"You've got to be kidding!!!" she sputtered, bursting into laughter. "That was the WORST pick-up line I've ever heard!!!"
"Hmph. I can see it's already too late for you. THEY'VE gotten to you....made you immune to my charms..." Dublos said darkly.
"THEY?" Saxanne asked.
"The LESBIANS, of course! Only they can repel the charm and raw sexual energy that is Dublos Evan, and even then they sometimes they fail!!" Dublos shouted. Saxanne shook her head, and kept walking.
"You raging idiot..." she mumbled.
"C'monnn, Saxxy!" Dublos cried, catching up to her. "It won't take long, and passion will be yours! Please don't let those evil lesbians turn your head!" Saxanne turned to him.
"I'm NOT a lesbian, THANK you very much." she snapped. "I don't even know why I--"
"Sssh!" Dublos said suddenly, holding up his finger in a gesture of silence. "There, in the bushes! I think it's Shrapnel. Leave this to me."
Rustle.
Rustle...rustle.
Dublos crept over to the thick brush, which was rustling around.
"All right...Shrapnel, come out now! We have you surround---AAAAGGH!" Dublos screamed, as several Bon-bons leapt from the brush and attached themselves to his face.
"Help me, help, I can't seeeeeee---" he screamed, whirling in circles and clawing at his face in a futile attempt to try and remove the Bon-bons. "They're eating meeeee!" Saxanne sighed, watching the 'battle' ensue. Eventually, Dublos fell flat on his rear, and the Bon-bons scampered away. His hair was messed up (not for long, though, it soon magically re-arranged itself in PERFECT alignment) and he had a red mark on his forehead from where he had punched himself. His lip was also bloodied up a bit.
"...let's just go." Saxanne sighed.
"M-m-my lip! Oh gods, I'm bleeding! They got me, Saxanne, they got me! I'm too young and sexy to die!"
"For heaven's sake, you aren't DYING. Quit whining." Saxanne said, tapping her forehead, where an odd symbol appeared. "Spring of Life Rune...Healing Wind!" A gentle, magic breeze blew over Dublos, and suddenly he was fine again.
"Thanks, Saxanne." Dublos said, suddenly having regained his confidence as well. "But you needn't waste magic. Monsters don't scare me. I'm fine." He marched nobly down the road towards Toto.
"...why me?" Saxanne murmured to herself.
******
Fitcher kicked a lone Bon-bon out of his path, as they walked through tall grass on the western side of the White Deer Inn.
"Was that a Bon-bon?" Orange asked uncertainly.
"Yup. Could've attacked us, y'know." Fitcher said.
"Oh, you're quite the hero." Orange retorted, smiling.
"I try." Fitcher shrugged. They reached the Inn, and stopped.
"Hmmm...I want to cover all my bases, actually..." Orange said, considering. "I think I'll check inside the Inn. Would you mind searching the forest behind the place for me?"
"Sure, right away." Fitcher said, running behind the building and into the dark, spooky, hard-to-navigate woods where a mad elf and flaming duck were lurking waiting to attack. The things he did for women. Orange continued into the inn itself.
Fitcher looked around. The woods were indeed dark, as little sunlight got through them. Plus, it was nearly nightfall, which didn't help. He wasn't eager to tangle with any bizarre creatures of the night. He involuntarily swore as he stubbed his toe on a tree root. How was he, a completely unexperienced tracker, going to find a skilled elf who was hiding in a forest, at night?
Well, he soon found out. There was a burst of flame from right behind him. He dove onto the ground in front of him, rolling out of the way and hitting his side rather hard on a tree trunk.
"Ow!"
"Stop right there, MSSA. You're not wanted here!" came Shrapnel's voice. "Godfrey--"
"Wait! Wait! Stop! I didn't come here to hurt you or--" Fitcher cried, getting up.
"--Dancing Flames!"
Quack. Columns of fire spun towards him, impacting several trees and setting them aflame. Fitcher ran for it, deeper into the woods. He heard footfalls behind him, gaining on him. He was no match for an elf in the woods! Fitcher sprinted as fast as he could, but suddenly he was tackled. Shrapnel, Godfrey the duck, and Fitcher rolled a few feet into a clearing, where they could see the stars coming out. That is, if Fitcher's face was not eating dirt. He jumped up.
"Stop, Shrapnel, wait!" he cried, holding up his hands.
"Godfrey!" Shrapnel ordered, disregarding Fitcher. "...Explosion!" A red glow illuminated the elf's pet duck, making it look like some demon water fowl from hell. The red light shone through the entire clearing, and Fitcher knew he was about to be toast.
Suddenly, a lithe figure drifted down gently, like a falling leaf, as if an angel had fallen from the stars. The frail female form floated into the clearing, knocked Fitcher out of the way---and was promptly incinerated by the explosion.
Flames ripped through the trees, and Fitcher was blown back. But the main force of the spell impacted the lone girl who had fallen from the sky. Her burnt form fell to the ground.
It took Fitcher a moment to recognize her.
"...SALLY?" he cried. "Self-Sacrifice SALLY??!" He rushed over, and sure enough, she was still alive. Barely.
"Ohhh..." she moaned, looking up at him, tearfully. "I...I wasn't able to save our son...but please...please..." She gasped for air, and continued. "...stop Dragalagalus..."
"S-sally, are you all right? Don't speak, okay?" Fitcher said, worried. Taking a bullet once might be one thing, but this woman just got COOKED!
"Avenge....me...." she murmured. Her eyes closed and her head fell back.
"Sally, wake up!" Fitcher cried. "H-hey, this isn't funny! Where's a Sacrificial Jizo when you need it? Dammit, Sally...!" Slowly, gently, without Fitcher even noticing it, Shrapnel emerged from the trees. He walked over and stood next to Fitcher, staring down at Self-Sacrifice Sally. Fitcher glanced up, noticing him.
"Eh...? Shrapnel..?" Fitcher said.
"What have I done...?" Shrapnel said, his brown eyes filling with tears. "I...I'm no better than those bastards who...who killed my sister..."
"What?"
"...I've just killed an innocent girl..." Shrapnel said. Fitcher seemed less concerned than the elf.
"What, her? You wouldn't happen to have a Resurrection Rune, would you?"
"Resurrection...? Yes, actually, but...it's too late for---" Shrapnel said, confused.
"Nah, that's just Sally. Use the rune, you'll see." Shrapnel uncertainly raised his left hand, and golden light appeared over Sally's burned body. Her eyes fluttered open.
"Oh, good. I was worried about that one, a little." she said, getting up and brushing herself off. Fitcher couldn't help smirking a little as the elf's jaw dropped, and he stared in amazement.
"A...are you some kind of angel??" he asked in awe.
"If I am, I don't work for free, darlin'." Sally said, winking and smiling with a mouth full of missing teeth. "Hmmm...Flaming Death...that's at least 70 potch. Well?" Still stunned, the elf found himself paying this freak woman seventy potch.
"Is that all?" Self-Sacrifice Sally asked. Fitcher shrugged.
"I think so, for now."
"Then I'll be going." She turned to the elf. "Goodbye, my love!" She then turned, walked off into the forest, continued on into the night, where she was eventually attacked and maimed by a pack of rabid wolves while trying to protect a girl and her grandmother. It wasn't an easy job, but somebody had to do it!
"W...who....was that?" Shrapnel asked uncertainly.
"Oh, that's just Self-Sacrifice Sally." Fitcher said smugly. "She's always around for a gunfight, swordfight, tavern brawl, or when a vital piece of machinery is self-destructing and one person needs to stay behind to save the day. She's a real trouper." He grinned.
"That's amazing!" Shrapnel said. "Well, this event has changed my mind, to be sure! I can't go on attacking innocent people like this...even if they do work for MSSA."
"...don't you work for MSSA?" Fitcher asked.
"I did..." Shrapnel said. "You're the new agent, aren't you? I heard about you. They say you're pretty good, albeit a bit scrawny." Fitcher glared at him.
"Nok-Nok told me to say that, when you first joined." Shrapnel said, cracking a smile. "I miss those days...they'll probably never let me back in, except to rot in those jail cells..."
"I dunno...T's a forgiving man....I think." Fitcher said.
"You seem all right. I guess I can show you the kid, then." Shrapnel said, walking back out of the clearing into the dark woods. "Come on, it's this way." Fitcher followed him, guided mostly by the footfalls he could hear, and the occasional quack from Godfrey.
******
Shrapnel led Fitcher to what appeared to be a tiny little uninhabited shack, in the heart of the woods. It was up against the outer wall of a large stone ruin of some kind. Shrapnel opened the door to the little shanty with some kind of key, and went inside. Fitcher followed him, sincerely hoping this was not some sort of trap of death. Once inside, the elf lit a lamp, illuminating the one-room shack. Byhaps was sitting on an old couch. He looked surprised.
"Fitcher!!" he cried. "What's goin' on?"
"I think everything's okay, Byhaps. This guy isn't gonna hurt anybody." Fitcher said. Byhaps seemed reluctant to believe this.
"Are you...sure...?"
"I'm not going to hurt anyone, anymore." Shrapnel said. "I never did catch your name, kid...did you say Bellhop?"
"Byhaps. Byhaps, this is Shrapnel." Fitcher introduced. Byhaps nervously shook the elf's hand.
"And this is Godfrey." Shrapnel said. The duck quacked contentedly. Fitcher looked at Shrapnel.
"Do you mind explaining all this?" Fitcher asked.
"Sure..." Shrapnel said.
"I was an agent of MSSA, just like you are. I went on recon missions, spied on foreign dignitaries, the works. Well, I was on a mission in Highland when I found out my sister had been murdered. I was devastated--my sister was the world to me...so, I did a little digging on my own. I found out who did it--one of the local Muse gangsters, it turns out. So I went to Agent T, tried to convince him to help me. He agreed that something should be done, but he said MSSA was not a vessel for carrying out personal vendettas. Well, that pissed me off, and I...kinda went and bombed the marketplace the other day. Killed the guy, but accidentally hurt some innocent people, too. I guess...I went a little nuts. So, I got caught, and T read me the riot act. But thanks to your little buddy over here, and that library deal, I was able to slip out in the confusion. Thankfully, I was able to go back for my duck, but...yeah, you found me. That's about all..."
"Wow...your sister?" Byhaps said, saddened.
"Yeah. That girl out there in the woods...reminded me of her. So I knew I had to stop all this. It's gotten way out of hand." Shrapnel said regretfully.
"Yeah. Well, at least it's been resolved peacefully, with the exception of Sally." Fitcher said.
"Sally...?" Byhaps asked.
"Don't worry about it right now. I'll tell ya later."
******
In the White Deer Inn, Orange knew something was very wrong. Her first tip was that the forest behind the inn seemed to be very blatantly on fire in several locations---a sure sign that Shrapnel was out there. The fact that Fitcher hadn't come back yet was also a bad sign. But Agent Orange wasn't foolish--rushing in there by herself was also a bad idea, and too risky. She figured she'd better go for backup. She just hoped Saxanne and Dublos weren't too far away. Orange ran out of the inn, and to the east. She had to hurry, before it was too late!
As she dashed down the road, a Bon-bon leapt out of the brush. Orange made a move to hit it away, when she collided with a severely burnt, bleeding and bandaged woman with a sling and an eyepatch. Sure, it stopped the Bon-bon from attacking her, but it hurt worse running into this woman.
"Oh, Celia..." the woman moaned, collapsing. "Hurry, before it's too late..."
"What?? What are you babbling about?" Orange asked.
"Getting....dark..." she gasped, becoming still.
"Er....lady...I really don't have time for this right now." Orange said. There was no response from the woman.
"Dammit..." Orange said, picking up the woman and attempting to carry her. She continued down the road, slowly.
******
Luckily for Agent Orange, Saxanne and Dublos were on their way back westward from Toto Village, having found no elves.
"We would have been out of there quicker had you not insisted on giving that Zexen nurse your gift of 'passion'..." griped Saxanne.
"Her beauty captivated me. It had to be done." Dublos insisted.
"...see that up ahead? Isn't that Orange?" Saxanne said.
"Agent Orange? Is she in a bikini? Has she somehow lost her articles of clothing, becoming *slurp* deliciously nu--" Dublos asked eagerly.
"No, you twit, she's fully clothed, of course. But there's someone with her...." Saxanne said, peering down the road. "Agent Fitcher, perhaps? He appears unconscious." Dublos frowned. They picked up their pace, and soon met up with Orange.
"T-there you are! We have to hurry...I think Fitcher's in trouble..." Orange gasped.
"He's taking Shrapnel on by himself?! That duck has a Fire Rune, you know!" Dublos said.
"Yes, I know." Orange said irritably. "Half the forest is on fire. I came to get you two."
"Oh my goodness!" Saxanne cried. "Who is this woman? What happened to her?"
"I wish I knew...she just came out of nowhere. Can you help her, Saxanne?" Agent Orange asked, laying the woman on the ground.
"My goodness...these wounds....I don't know if I can help her at this rate...." Saxanne said. She tapped her forehead. "Spring of Life Rune, Healing Wind!" The soothing breeze swirled around the prone form of Self-Sacrifice Sally. She woke up.
"Oho, no Resurrection? Well, it will have to do. It WAS merely a Bon-bon...I suppose this one will be a freebie, yes?" she said, confusing the hell out of everyone as she got up, brushed herself off, and walked off into the night once more.
"..er..." Orange said uncertainly.
"That was..." Dublos said.
"...MOST odd..." Saxanne finished.
"...anyway, we need to help Fitcher! Let's go!" Dublos said. They all stood up and charged off to the east.
******
Byhaps had a headache. A burning, throbbing headache. He didn't know where it came from so suddenly.
"So, Shrapnel, do you think you'd be willing to give yourself in? The rest of my team is still out looking for you." Fitcher offered. Shrapnel sighed.
"Yeah, I suppose I don't have any choice, really. I'm not going to keep foolishly running." he said.
The pain...
"Well, that's good for me, I guess." Fitcher said with a laugh.
My....head....
"Yeah, I suppose it is. Godfrey nearly had you beat, there, Fitcher..." Shrapnel said.
Throbbing...burning...
"Fitcher..." Byhaps said, sounding ill.
"Huh, what is it? You feeling all right, there?" Fitcher asked, concerned. Byhaps stood, suddenly. There was a completely blank look on his face.
"Hey...kid?" Shrapnel said, unsure of what was going on.
"Byhaps...are you okay??" Fitcher asked. Byhaps turned to him, his eyes completely white, void of pupils.
"Prepare to die." he said.
"What?!!"
Just when things were looking up...
