| The Flatulent Times Headline News |
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| Who is the King of the World? |
| Port Chester, NY- Recently it has surfaced that there is actually a secret World Order which controls all the governments of the world. But with this came a struggle for power between the dominant lords: Miguel Gonzalez, Geoffrey Schaefer, and Luis Torres. But who is the actual leader and who will emerge victorious is the question at hand. It began when Miguel Gonzalez, the Guatemalan Guido, revealed that he was in fact the head of the secret World Order. After leaving the organized crime services of Ted Schaefer, he kept his connections and soon rose to the top of the omnipotent organization. He then revealed in the "Friends" section of his website, "PC Portal", that this organization did in fact exist and he was it's leader. After this confession, a kickass ninja by the name of Geoffrey L. Schaefer went and beat the foolish Guatemalan down to become the King of the World. "I couldn't let some dumbass guy named 'Miguel Angel' rule the world," said Geoff," so I flipped out on his ass." Things seemed to be going in Mr. Schaefer's favor untill a man named Luis Torres challenged Mr. Schaefer as the true ruler. Knowing that Mr. Schaefer was such a dangerous ninja and amazing dreidel player, Luis attempted to usurp the title of King of the World, while leaving Mr. Schaefer as the Owner of the World, so not to create an enemy in his quest for world domination. Mr. Schaefer, however says he will "have none of it." "He wants to make all the orders without having to deal with the responsibility of maintaining the world," Mr. Schaefer told the Times, "he wanted me to deal with the details of accounting and maintaining while he was the one parading around with his wealth and power (and bitches)." Mr. Torres claims, however, that he only wants to be at the top. He felt that this scenario with he as King and Mr. Schaefer as owner would be in the world's best interest. His supporters clearly agree with this and this image of benevolence is one of Mr. Torres's major advantages over Mr. Schaefer. But Mr. Schaefer and his supporters are skeptical of Mr. Torres's credentials. "We need a real ninja running the world," said Mr. Schaefer, "and though Mr. Torres claims to be a ninja, he only got a 57 on my ninja quiz. He is obviously unqualified for the position." Mr. Schaefer has opted to decline Mr. Torres's offer, obviously. Mr. Schaefer claims that if Mr. Torres does not accept that he cannot usurp Mr. Schaefer's power, then he will use force to keep his position. "I'll kick his ass!" Mr. Schaefer remarked. If conflict ensues, the position of King of the World will be up for grabs. This may draw out a multitude of others who wish to claim the throne, which may cause mass chaos throughout the world. The two obvious contenders are Mr. Torres and Mr. Schaefer, but Mr. Gonzalez may return to claim the position that was formerly his. Others, such as Bryan Mitchell, the legendary pain giver, and Ted Schaefer, the infamous drug dealer/pimp/mobster, may try to gain support and take power. Other less renouned figures (though equally threatining) are men such as Kevin Duffy, the near-mythical ninja, and Tim Herger, the deadly neo-Nazi Hitler wannabe. In any case, if war ensues, then the fate of the world will be left in the hands of a few dangerous men from Port Chester. -Geoffrey Schaefer The Flatulent Times is the ONLY news source that covers this important topic, and soon will interview several of the men vying for controll of the world, including Luis Torres, Geoffrey Schaefer, Miguel Gonzalez, and (possibly) Bryan Mitchell and Kevin Duffy. |