| The Flatulent Times Headline News |
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| Judge Rules That "Reality Television" is a Crime Justice Thomas rules popular TV style unconstitutional |
| Washington D.C.- In a recent court case involving the legality of so called "reality TV", Justice Thomas ruled that the popular style of television programs, which includes the "Real World" and "Survivor" are unconstitutional. This came as a shock to many, considering the widespread popularity of shows such as "Joe Millionaire" and "the Bachelor," but Justice Thomas explains that their popularity is what made them dangerous. "We can't have shows claiming to be 'reality TV' go and dumb down our nation with bullshit like 'Mr. Personality," remarked Justice Thomas, "it's like false advertising. Can you honestly say that the 'Real World' depicts the real world? No! It's libel." The court's reasons for banning "reality TV" go beyond it simply misleading viewers. According to the prosecution, reality TV shows have hidden subliminal messages that keep the viewer watching. "They're playing mind games with the American public," said Geoffrey L. Schaefer, the man who brought the lawsuit against the producers of basically every network that airs reality TV shows. Mr. Schaefer's lawyer, Luis Torres, made it clear that reality TV dumbs down viewers. "We've done tests confirming that people who watch reality TV have a sudden decrease in their IQ when they begin watching 'Survivor' or one of those other shits," Mr. Torres claimed in his opening statement in court, "and considering most viewer's low IQ to begin with, that could be a major problem." This argument was one of the most compelling to the court, who agree with the Jeffersonian idea that democracy requires an educated public. But this decision has come with mixed reception. "I can't live without my Bachelorette!" said Isa Lotacok, a secretary, "oh my gawd, what am I gonna do?!" Others feel that the outlawing of reality TV is a major step in improving society. "Reality TV has dumbed down our nation long enough. It's given America a bad name." said some random smart guy. Though the outcome of the court case seems to be in favor of Mr. Schaefer and Mr. Torres, their fight to make the penalty for airing reality television shows harsher (death by firing squad) was a loss. "Unfortunately, the court did not see eye to eye with us on the firing squad idea." said Mr. Torres, "I mean, a fine and a prison sentence doesn't seem tough enough to me." Mr. Schaefer expressed optimism regarding penaltes for producers of these shows, "Hey, we may not have a firing squad, but we always have ninjas. They're above the law." It's a known fact that ninjas hate reality TV. - Geoffrey Schaefer |