| The Flatulent Times Headline News |
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| Sadam Hussein in New Jersey? Local residents wonder if local slurpie vendor is former Iraqi dictator. |
| Hoboken NJ- With the War in Iraq leaving US forces without a trace of the former Iraqi dictator, Sadam Hussein, many residents of Hoboken, New Jersey have wondered that perhaps he may be hiding out in the "Garden State." It all began when a man by the name of (you guessed it) Sadam Hussein set up a Quick Mart in the local mall last month. Mr. Hussein claims that he was indeed Muslim, but was originally from Michigan. "I share only my name with the leader of Iraq," he told the Times, "I share not his views." Though his name, accent, age, time of moving to Hoboken, and autocratic manner in running his Mart are all suspicious, he simply does not look like the Iraqi dictator. "He's about the same height, weight, and complection of Sadam," said one resident, "but he doesn't even have a mustache!" When asked about what the Homeland Security might do about the situation, a government official replied, "we've got bigger fish to fry at the moment. I heard there was a guy going around Missouri stealing roosters! He may have some connection to Al-Queda." Despite the comotion that this man may in fact be the former Iraqi dictator, many residents of Hoboken seem unphased by Mr. Hussein's arrival. "He can't be a dictator," one mother said, "he seems like too nice a guy." Some, though, feel otherwise. "America has obviously failed in it's attemt to make the country more secure," said Ivan A. Tinkle, a political anylist, "no one would expect Sadam to hide out in the U.S., so that's where he went, the least likely place." Still, the government does not plan to take any immediate action regarding Mr. Hussein. "If Sadam is in America, then I'm a monkey's uncle!" said President Bush. Two hours later, the president recieved word that his sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy young monkey (he looked just like dubbya). -G.L. Schaefer |