| The Flatulent Times Headline News |
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| Websters Redefines "Patriotism" at Request of Federal Government "I'm an asshole" says Ashcroft |
| BUMBLEFUCK, NY- Webster, the company responsible for a quarter of dictionaries published in the U.S., has redefined the word "Patriotism" at the request of Attorney General Ashcroft. The former definition stated that patriotism was "love for one's country." The new definition states that patriotism is "blind devotion to one's nation." When asked about the change, Attorney General Ashcroft said "I wanted to include a clause that would make patriots have to bow to the Attorney General, but the Websters publishers weren't patriotic enough to put that in." The president has put his support behind the change as well. "Iraq is a threat," the president said. Just about everyone except them damn liberals seem to be in favor of the change. "Yeah, I agree with it," said Jack U. Lation, a self proclaimed patriot, "if it wasn't blind devotion, then people could, like, dissagree with the government and stuff. When asked what he thought about it, Artie the janitor just did his famous "J-Lo" impression. This has sparked a debate between the intellectual liberals and the backwater, inbred conservatives with the plain old dumb Americans over the nature of patriotism. "Dissent should not be considered unpatriotic!" said B.J. Johnson, a liberal Democrat. Mr. Ashcroft later claimed Mr. Johnson was a terrorist and had him arrested for treason. If this debate gets ugly, and it will (Ashcroft already is ugly), then ninjas will probably come in to solve the problem. They'll probably chop off Ashcroft's head and eat some cats. But we can only hope. -Geoffrey Schaefer |