| Vatican City..... ....Unconfirmed early reports from inside the Vatican indicate that Pope John Paul II is still dead. Police have appealed to rioting children all over the world to end their campaign of violence and disorder. It seems that the Pope was mistaken for Santa Claus while he was resting in state, triggering an unprecedented uprising of children. President Bush has sent a detachment of Delta Force to Lapland in an effort to persuade Mr. Claus to make a public appearance. A Geordiestories correspondant embedded with the group has confirmed that several thousand reindeer were napalmed in an "Unfortunate incident of friendly fire". "Soldier A" of Delta Force still maintains that "Those red nosed sonofabitches opened fire first" ................................................................. |
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| The Honeymooners..... ....Prince Charles and his latest wife, Camilla, are continuing to enjoy their honeymoon in Scotland. His press secretary confirmed that "This time he means it!". The Prince seems to have gone a whole week now without being unfaithful. |
| The Queen is said to be delighted with the situation and may award the Prince of Wales with a nice shiny gong to wear at State Occasions for being so jolly good! Meanwhile the Princess Consort has declined the Duke of Edinburgh's belated gift of a week in Paris complete with hotel and chauffeur driven limousine. ............................................................................................................. |
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| The National Lottery.... ....Camelot, the organisers of the National Lottery, are to restructure the Saturday and Wednesday draws because not enough asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, and ethnic minorities, are winning the big cash prizes. In future these groups will be allocated three times the amount of winning lines. Hopefully this will bring the lottery into line with every other benefit available in the UK. ............................................... |
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| Oil Shortage.... ....Why is Britain suffering an oil shortage? There's a very simple answer. No one checked the oil! We just didn't know that we were getting low! The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is in the North Sea. Our dipsticks are in Westminster! ................................................................ |
| An American at Windsor.... An American tourist at the Royal Wedding was heard to ask, "Honey, why did the Brits build Windsor Castle so near the darned airport? ......................................................... |
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| Germany offers Canada Aid.... ....In a spirit of genuine friendship Germany has offered Canada help with their annual seal clubbing season. Gerhard Schroeder, the German Chancellor intimated that they would perhaps work towards a more final solution. The Canadian Government refused to comment but inside sources have revealed that they are considering a proposal that seal clubbing could be made an event at the Winter Olympics. ........................................................................................................................ |
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| The Chicken Gun Geordie scientists at Newcastle University have invented a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners, military aircraft and even the Space Shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl in order to test the strength of the windscreens. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windscreens of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and the Americans stood shocked when the gun was fired and the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, smashing the "unbreakable" windscreen to smithereens. The driver of the train was decapitated before the chicken came to rest embedded in the wall behind his seat. Horrified, the Americans sent the Geordies the results of the experiment and begged them for suggestions. The Geordie reply was "HAWAY MAN! DEFROST THE FUCKING CHICKEN NEXT TIME!". ....................................................................................................................... |