I have become Comfortably Numb Look into the mirror, you will see my shadow behind you. It is a pity you won't live, but, then again, who does? I am not afraid of taking someone's life, yours is not an exception. Be a fool, float through life without worrying about the meaninglessness of life, it will save you time, money, everything that you could possibly want in this shattered existence. I wish you the best. |
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| My Personal Life |
| This site is all about my personal life. If you want to get a general overview of where I come from, go to my Life site. This will include information you have never, nor will ever hear from me again. It might be stuff about failed loves, huge embarrassments, and possibly even a secret or two. So, try not to forget that there is a real, live, shy person who has gone through all this, and that I don't use my head all the time. (Rarely, usually) So try not to hold me up to high standards, 'cause I don't have any. Might as well tell you what love means to me. Its when two people care so much about each other that they are willing to live with that person for their rest of their lives and never forget how important each person is to the other. I thought Sam did a great job with love on her site, but hey, I can add a male twist to things. (And no, that is not an innuendo) I think love is fantastic! It gives you the strength to get up every day, and it makes you feel like life is worth living. It also hurts you when you are apart, or when another does not feel the same as you. (I usually get the latter, as it is rare that another person will share the same enthusiasm and passion that I have, <sniff, sniff>) Chances are, everyone who is reading this has a forbidden love. I always have one or two, as I fall in love WAY too easily. I once told my brother about how he and his former girlfriend were friends, "I still can't believe that you can be friends and not feel that way about each other." I know several women that I would not consider to be, well, love kittens. (Sorry, I can't think of another term) But the closest female friends will always have that bond which goes far enough down for me to think about them in the ways I can't describe in print. Its not their fault, and it isn't my fault. I am totally at their mercy, and there is nothing I can do about it. The only plus side is that my best female friends are usually kind enough not to, well, manipulate me. I would have say take advantage of, but that has a very physical meaning now. The only real bad side to love is separation. Majorly painful. I think that when you really love someone enough, to have to separate from that person will cause you to go to a deep depression. I've had several of those, and I still do. So for all of those who are reading this, I am really sensitive to what other people think of me. That's me, Mr. Sensitivity. The irony is, I do this great job of hiding how I feel, but I feel the worst out of all of my friends on the inside. It's a killer, trust me. What? You want details? Well, considering that most of the women I have dated are either gone or I will never see them again, you can not verify any of this. That is life. Great stuff, isolation. And those that I have actually told how I feel are a real minority of the women that I have felt feelings toward. I think that I can trace all of this back to my first girlfriend, in 1st grade. We were playing around at recess, and I was running around playing kickball with some friends. At this time, the guys had to fight off the girls from kissing us, as that was the WORST thing that could happen to a guy in the first grade. We all ran away, but to no avail. Secretly, all of the guys knew it was GOOD that they were being chased. It was a new experience for me, as I was not a very sociable person. Those of you who knew me then, also know that I am not a very good runner. I was like the fat ox that fell so the others could escape the hunters. Better to take a hit for the team. Well the girl came up to me, and she gave me her hand. We walked together across the lot and went behind the bushes. (And no, Kurt get your filthy mind out of the gutter!) She did the expected, the stepped up to me and kissed me on the lips. I fell back. I was startled, what had just happened to me? Then she asked me to be her boyfriend, and I reluctantly agreed. (Granted, this girl was pretty hot at the time, and I could hardly refuse her) It ended in a mess the week before Christmas when we put up the tiny tree and she kissed me and told me we couldn't be together anymore. We never told anyone, not a soul. We never walked together, played together, or kissed more than a half-dozen times or so. It was a little, well, childish. And it felt GREAT too! But when we had to split, I felt that emptiness you get, when you know how important that person was to you. To be completely honest, I have forgotten her name. She was a tomboy, as they say. I can only remember her face. This was pretty special for me because all of my relationships since have never had that innocence. I suppose that in the big scheme of things, that really means nothing to me, as we never had a "relationship" per se. But, it was a really big moment in my love life. Just nowhere near as important as some of the recent stuff... I suppose that most people are probably curious about my recent love life. I am too, to be honest. It can be hard, I admit, to tell you exactly who I have loved, and why, because I truly want to keep my relationships secret. I simply do not want anyone to know how I really feel about some people, because people can not always be trusted. I do not go sprouting secrets about who I love, because most people will just gobble it up like a sponge and splurge my precious secrets to anyone and everyone. I am in love with someone, two people, actually, but that probably does not surprise you. I have gotten close to real love, and yes, even a date or two, but nothing that has really meant something, something truly personal to me. The only women I want to spend my time with are the same women that simply do not want to spend their time with me, and I feel as though I am caught in some emotional wormhole. Actually, it isn't THAT bad. I have come to grips with some things in my life, and one of those is hopelessness. I have, in a nutshell, given up any pursuit of romantic happiness. I will not run away from it, don't get me wrong, but I will not seek it like most people do. I have been looking for love, but I have done everything the wrong way. I have talked, walked, just about everything with the women I care about, but it truly means nothing anymore. All of those little shared moments, although they felt immensely important at the time, have begun to diminish in value in my eyes. Again, my biggest complaint: I am easy to like, but hard to love. I am attracted to people, sometimes more than a friend, but it never gets past friendship because I simply do not attract women in the OTHER sense. Times like these really make me feel like celibacy is the answer, but if I became celibate, my sexual instincts would only worsen, not lessen. Why do you think priests have an unusual amount of criticism about homosexuality and pedophilia? In the first orders of monks, they lit candles in the main room day and night, so that no "anonymous" sexual behavior could occur between men of the cloth. I am not attacking priesthood, of course, but my point is that these feelings DO exist, no matter how noble or strong willed you may be. Some people just...give in. I do not want to put myself in such a situation. Still, after all of my bleeding of the heart, it has changed nothing of how others feel about me. Still, no one loves me. Still, my circle of friends keeps growing. Still, the truth becomes more and more evident to me. Damn Persephone, Hail Discordia, and give my regards to Aprhrodite, the Goddess has deemed me unworthy. What can I add to all of this? What could I possibly say about love that I have not already said? Love is a state of mind. It can be, pardon my psychology, learned. And it can be unlearned. I was in love with somone this year, I made myself love her more than anything else in the world. But, as the year progressed, she found many people that she cared for. She also found many other people who were eager to fall in love with her. But it doesn't change the fact that she is still in love with one of my friends. I finally did what I never thought I could do. There was a character in a game I played, his name was Shadow. He had lost his only friend, and he grew callous to all emotion. It didn't just happen, he made it happen. He chose to kill his humanity. He chose to kill his emotion. This is a step towards Enlightenment, but it doesn't make a difference to me. I didn't want to feel this pain, this heated jealousy towards two friends of mine. So, I put distance between us. I stopped talking to her as much; I decided to give up instant messanging for Lent. Then, when the forty days ran out, I did it for another forty. Those children had no idea what I was doing. Now, those emotions pass through me, and I am free from the influence of primitive feelings. But, I still feel love. I just feel it for a different person. I wonder if she will ever read this, but then again, I wonder if it would really make a difference to her. It doesn't matter either way, now I have been reborn again, for the thousandth time in my life. And it feels wonderful! I cannot reccomend numbness highly enough! It is the end of happiness, and the beginning of peace. I am getting older, and I just might be getting wiser. But sooner or later, time will tell. Take my love, I give it freely. Your friend, Chris |
| What is love? Hmmm...that is a tough question. Everyone has their own opinion, but I'll give you my take, and what has made me who I am today. |