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| This is my love. This is not for a casual observer, someone who is emptying their free time on the personal lives of others. I am not that trivial, my love is far more complicated or strange than anyone could possibly believe. |
| I have been in love with people many times. Women, mostly. I try to explain my love, I try to reason and classify it. But I cannot. There is one woman who I love more than anyone else in the world, but she does not love me. That is...difficult for me at times. Love is an emotional roller coaster ride, but it isn't something that can be described in words. When I look into her eyes, and I see this intelligent fascination, I want to be nowhere but there. I want to look into her eyes, her beautiful eyes, and talk. I feel like I could talk for hours to her. I want to, and she knows it. My heart is an open book, and I wear my feelings like a badge. I loved another woman this way, but I have problems explaining what happened. I fell in love with her on the computer, and I made a vow, I promised that I would never leave her. I never did, thankfully. But not a day goes by that I do not wish that things could have been different between us. I used to think that we were just friends, and she thinks we are. But I am not even sure if I want that. This woman has become a burden, and the first problem that has worn my patience to the bone. She made me feel magical, like I was the only man and friend that mattered. It was true, for her. It was true then, at least. Now I am not so important, and she keeps accusing me of running away from her. Why? I loved her, and then it just went away. I didn't want her, I don't even want her to be around me anymore. The monotony of our relationship is the cancer of my life, yet I dare not tell her so. I am no longer a two woman man. I have feelings for just one fantastic person now. And she has no feelings for me. My love life has run into a brick wall. What am I supposed to do now? Wait and see what happens to her, to us? Or should I get involved in a series of meaningless relationships that serve only to dull the pain? Would sex with a stranger make my feel any different for Samantha? Would sex with a stranger make me love that stranger? What kind of sexual predator am I? But it feels good to be nearer to her. It feels good just thinking about her. When I stare into the picture above, I see her. I see my love, the only thing that I sincerely want more than anything. She has this lovely flowing hair. It seems to stream from her head, and roll down her arms like a living waterfall. I put my hand into her silky strands, and I feel this LIFE. An indescribable living thing, a testament to the beauty of the human form. Physically, she is a marble statue. Her arms and legs are strong and smoothly curved. Her face is soft and it seems to revolve around her eyes. You can't look at her without staring into those tiny micocosms of feeling. When I look into her eyes, I see this wild passion, yet an extradonairy intelligence which strikes a viewer immediately. There is this sparkle where the light reflects off her eye. The brightness stands out against her dark eyes, but it makes the eye appear to be a magical orb of impenetrable power and wisdom. Something ancient and truly unique, it is my favorite part of her. I just wish that we could be together, even as friends, for a time. But I do not understand her, and I wish I knew where we stood as friends right now. The Fates have been kind to me so far, perhaps they will see to my happiness in the future. I hope so. |