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People On The Internet...At The Movies!
It isn't just limited to music. Today, with nothing better to do (well, I had some projects to work on but I wasn't in the mood), I checked movie reviews at Yahoo! Movies . I enjoy reading reviews of really bad movies, just to see how badly flamed they get, and also pick up a writing tactic here and there. The movie of choice this time was 2002's Crossroads, directed by Tamra Davis and starring the inimitable Britney Spears. Yes, it was only a matter of time before her name was uttered on these pages.
The Rant isn't a review of the movie itself. This is in response to the People On The Internet who saw it fit to voice their own opinion on the damn thing. Now I didn't see the movie. One doesn't need to go near a refuse dump to deduce that it's home to more malignant micro-organisms than the White House. I am of the firm belief that Britney Spears cannot sing, so I was not willing to go out on a limb about her acting abilities, either.
Okay, so I didn't see the movie, yet going by the critical (and dare I say, educated and informed) reviews of those who did, I knew enough to know that it'd appeal to Spears' fan base, and her fan base alone; young, white, blonde, upper-middle-class preteen (and teen) girls who believe that less dress and more flesh is better, and whose knowledge of music is limited to Spears' vocal orgasm on "Oops! I Did It Again" (what was she smoking when she came up with that title?). Naturally, People On The Internet. People convinced that because Britney Spears is Britney Spears, anything she touches becomes silic-- becomes gold. Mayhaps these people ignore the fact that she has no genuine entertainment talent. Mayhaps these People On The Internet don't know any better. Because, going by the user reviews, that's what people said. Oh, sure, there were a lot of people who used their brain cells and not their hormones while reviewing the movie. They said that the weak storyline barely held itself together. That important issues, like date-rape and teenage drinking, were pushed to the background, giving Spears' star room to shine. That the saccharine-sweet ending made their eyes bleed. That this was a waste of time, money and celluloid. That this movie was nothing but a blatant, sickening, and pathetic attempt to launch Britney Spears, the plague of music, as an actress.
Now you see, those folks, I ain't got no beef with. Mah beef -- oh, what the hell, my "problem" is with the people who reviewed the movie with "oh my godd britney is so AMAZING!!!!!!!!! i love her even more after seeing this........ guys you gotta go watch it, its the best movie ever!!!!". Good God, the adrenaline was pumping through my veins something awful while I was writing that. Those who actually thought this movie had something to it. Those who smoked enough cannabis to actually think that Spears could (a) act, and (b) deliver a good story. Those who can't wait for the DVD to come out. What the hell are you talking about?? The DVD??? What special features are you waiting for, the undress Britney game? See what other classic rock song Britney is going to butcher? See how much of her breasts show in her next video? Don't tell me you're going to wait for the Britney interview, because I seriously doubt that girl has anything of value to say. I mean, hell, her lyrics are uninspiring enough.
Sure, this is a movie, so I'm probably blowing my top about nothing at all. And yet, it still sickens me to think that people could be so subjective in their opinions that they suspend all rational and reasonal thought and logic for the sight of a bit of cleavage and navel (and probably nipple, too). Some of you out there are going to say that it's a movie, Mike, and that you're supposed to "suspend reality" while watching a movie like this. But damn it, movies are supposed to be a reflection of life. We're not supposed to "suspend" reality, we're supposed to see a damn commentary (and maybe satire) on it. You want a really good movie like that, watch American Beauty. On the other hand, a movie like American Beauty may be a bit to heavy for the People On The Internet. Maybe the People On The Internet watched American Beauty for the sex and nudity. Hang on... maybe that's why they watched Crossroads, too.
A article that was reporting Spears' winning the Razzie for worst actress (yee-haa!) hit the nail in a very tender spot. I can't remember where I read it, and thus I'll have to paraphrase, but the article essentially made the point that Britney Spears, the teen queen, in her first acting role, stepped out of her shoes to play.... a teen singer who skyrockets to fame with two idiot friends, a bad case of writer's block, and a criminal with a car. Tell me, when this movie was being made, did none of the cast or crew want to kill themselves?
The Verdict: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, where do we stand? The situation, as it lies before us, is this: that a good majority of the people on the Internet are idiots, morons, et. al. These people - People On The Internet - wouldn't know a good band or a good movie if it shoved it's way so far up their gleutus maximus that it came out through their nose, dragging whatever putrid lump of organic waste they mistakenly refer to as a "brain" with it. I am of the belief that mandatory intelligence tests should be given to people before they are allowed to access the Internet. Such a test might well exclude half the world's population, but as Lord Farquaad (voiced by John Lithgow) said in Shrek, "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."
Here endeth the first Rant. Next Rant topic: Reality TV. You better not show that one to your kids, folks.
Or... are they really your kids?
What did you think of this rant? Liked it? Loved it? Had no idea what the hell I was talking about? Drop me an e-mail at [email protected] and let me know. And if your rant is exceptionally good, I'll even reproduce it on this website. Free of charge.
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