Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty, the Awards you might actually care about. Strap yourselves in because I'm going to predict 'em all. And, given that I am a superior being, you can assume that I'll probably be right on the money. Let's roll.

• Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla
• The Good German, Thomas Newman
• Notes on a Scandal, Philip Glass
• Pan's Labyrinth, Javier Navarrete
• The Queen, Alexandre Desplat.

Tale of the Tape: This is Gustavo Santaolalla's second nomination, having won for Cold Mountain in 2005. This is Thomas Newman's eight nomination, but he has yet to win. This is the third nomination for Philip Glass and he too has yet to win an Oscar. This is the first nomation for Pan's Navarrete and The Queen's Desplat.

What the heck? I could have sworn John Williams was automatically given a nomination in this category every year, regardless of whether he has any work out or not. I guess he forgot to pay the right people this time. Newman and Glass have been around for a while now, but both are Oscar-less. Personally, I think their time has past them and it's time they stepped aside and let a younger generation take over. Trust me, I speak from experience because the same happens in wrestling all the time. Move on out of here boys, make way for the new generation. Anyway, the buzz is that this is really between The Queen and Babel. The funny thing is, I don't remember the score from The Queen at all, yet I distinctly remember the one from Babel. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, because I didn't really like the score from Babel. Regardless, I think Babel will win this, because I don't anticipate it winning much more than this (at least not in the major categories) and I expect the battle for the Best Original Screenplay category will come down to these two films again, with the opposite result.

Prediction: Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla

WINNER: Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla

About time I started getting some of these things right...

• "I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth, by Melissa Etheridge
• "Listen" from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
• "Love You I Do" from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
• "Our Town" from Cars, by Randy Newman
• "Patience" from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger and Willie Reale.

Tale of the Tape: There isn't much to say here, except that Etheridge has never been nominated before, while Newman has been nominated 17 times (with just one win, in 2001 for Monsters Inc.). Krieger, the man behind the music in Dreamgirls has never been nominated before either, nor has anyone else who worked on the music in the film.

Wow, look at that, Randy Newman is working on a Pixar film. Crazy! Gee, I think the winner will be from the film Dreamgirls. You know what's great about this? Dreamgirls was an early favourite to possibly walk away with the Best Picture award, yet it didn't even get nominated in that category. It does lead all films with eight nominations, but three of them are right here, in a fairly inconsequential category (I feel I can safely say that after Three 6 Mafia won last year...what a joke). You know what happened? Dreamgirls got comfortable, lazy even. Instead of hitting the "For Your Consideration..." campaign hard, the folks in charge of such things opted to rest on their laurels and hope that success would just happen. It doesn't work that way folks. You want something, you gotta go out and grab it and never stop until it's in your grasp. That's why I have so much success in the wrestling ring (well, that and my natural, unstoppable, god-given talent). I say Dreamgirls deserves the Best Picture snub. Besides, any film that has Beyonce, an American Idol reject and Eddie Murphy doesn't deserve much recognition at all. So, basically, Newman has no hope (his only win was a pity win anyway) and the Academy won't give it to a pot-smoking lesbian hippy like Etheridge. Let's just pick one of the songs at random, shall we?

Prediction: "Listen" from Dreamgirls, by Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven

WINNER: "I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth, by Melissa Etheridge

You know what? I've never been happier being wrong. Not that I'm a big fan of this song, I just like seeing Dreamgirls lose, even though they had a 3/5 chance in winning. Screw you Jennifer Hudson. Simon Cowell wasn't completely wrong after all, was he?

• Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Screenplay by Sacha Baron Cohen, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer; Story by Sacha Baron Cohen, Peter Baynham, Anthony Hines and Todd Phillips
• Children of Men. Screenplay by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby
• The Departed. Screenplay by William Monahan
• Little Children. Screenplay by Todd Field & Tom Perrotta
• Notes on a Scandal. Screenplay by Patrick Marber

Tale of the Tape: This, not surprisingly, is the first nomination for the group behind Borat. This is the third nomination (including his one this year for editing) for Cuaron, having previously been nominated for Y tu mamá también in 2002. This is the fisrt nomination for the rest of the Children of Men group. It is also the first nomination for The Departed's Monahan. This is the second nomination for Field, who was nominated in 2001 for both Adapted Screenplay and Best Picture for In the Bedroom. This is the first nomination for his partner Perrotta. This is also the first nomination for Scandal's Marber.

First off, I just want to express my distate for this category. Why? These people are getting recognized for basically stealing from someone else! That's not right at all! Borat is just taking something Cohen did once before and turning it into a movie. Even then, the character is basically a bigotted version of Yakov Smirnoff...and that's not a good thing. Children of Men was a novel first, as was Little Children. And The Departed is just a remake of Hong Kong flick Internal Affairs. Seriously, this is just pathetic. Can't you people do your own work? Stop piggybacking off other people's material. This is something I know a lot about and, as such, is an issue that is near and dear to me because I have had a whole heck of a lot of people try to rip me off in the past. I can't say I really blame them; if I were them I'd want to be me too. But the simple fact remains that there is only one Scott Hellings and everyone else has to be satisfied with being average-at-best. Deal with it! If you ask me, these people shouldn't get rewarded (they're just being lazy anyway), they should be reprimanded. Take away their membership in the Screen Guild Writers Association or whatever. That'll learn 'em. Anyway, enough of my rant. So this one is a bit harder than expected to predict. After all, Cohen and crew did win at the Golden Globes and it wouldn't really surprise me to see them walk away with a win here. Although, as many have noted, how "adapted" is this film really? Notes on a Scandal and Little Children seem to be the outsiders here, but an upset, though doubtful, could still take place. This really comes down to The Departed and Children of Men in my eyes. Sadly, I think Marty's flick is gonna take this. Truthfully, that kind of saddens me because this film is just a glorified remake (I'm not saying it's not bad, because it's not, I just don't like seeing remakes getting major awards), whereas Children is a really interesting story, told in a compelling manner. Oh well. You can't win 'em all (unless you're me).

Prediction: The Departed. Screenplay by William Monahan

WINNER: The Departed. Screenplay by William Monahan

We're starting to gain some momentum now.

• Babel, written by Guillermo Arriaga
• Letters From Iwo Jima, screenplay by Iris Yamashita; story by Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis
• Little Miss Sunshine, written by Michael Arndt
• Pan's Labyrinth, written by Guillermo del Toro
• The Queen, written by Peter Morgan

Tale of the Tape: This is the first nomiation for Arriaga, who also wrote 21 Grams. This is also the first nomination for Iwo Jima's Yamashita, whereas this is the fifth nomination for Haggis (he was three times for Crash last year, winning for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay. He was also nominated in 2004 for Million Dollar Baby in the Best Adapted category). This is the first nomination for Arndt. This is the first nomination for del Toro, who also directed Hellboy and Blade II. This is also the first nomination for The Queen's Peter Morgan. Morgan also wrote this year's hit The Last King of Scotland.

By the way, looking at this category and the Adapted one before it, I noticed that a lot of films have multiple writers. What's up with that? These folks can't write something without someone else there to hold their hand? Look at the 3,247 people involved in "writing" Borat! It's pathetic! Hey, check this out, Hollywood types, I'm typing this entire column BY MYSELF. People who need other people's help to gain achievements are really just inadequate individuals who cannot admit to their meagre abilities. Just imagine what would happen if I scribed a Hollywood script! It would be an instant, five-star classic! Unfortunately for cinephiles, I'm more acquainted with gold—as in the type of gold that is almost always around my waist—than I am with the Silver Screen. Moving on...all five of these films are heavy hitters and it wouldn't be surprising to see any one of them win. Sunshine is a bit of a darkhorse that could shock, after last month's Screen Actors Guild awards win. Certainly Babel has a shot and Pan's Labyrinth has been widel acclaimed as well. Letters from Iwo Jima looks less likely, but one shouldn't count out Paul Haggis' pedigree in the last few years. Still, I think Morgan can take this one for The Queen. The film is pretty solid and well-received, but probably won't win too many major awards (outside of acting), so it seems this is the best place to honour it. Morgan's stock may be on the rise, having written two Academy Award nominated films this year. All I can say is Peter, buddy, if you need help handling your newfound fame and success, give me a call. This is something I am definitely familiar with and I would be more than happy to show you the ropes.

Prediction: The Queen, written by Peter Morgan

WINNER: Little Miss Sunshine, written by Michael Arndt

Well, I figured on Sunshine being the biggest competition here. So, at least I wasn't far off.

• Adriana Barraza, Babel
• Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
• Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
• Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
• Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Tale of the Tape: Cate Blanchett is the only actress here with any previous Oscar experience, having been nominated in 1998 for Elizabeth and winning in 2004 for The Aviator. As well, only Abigail Breslin has a decent amount of previous (English-speaking) roles, which may be a factor. Breslin has also appeared in flicks like Signs, Raising Helen, and Princess Diaries II: Royal Engagement. However, children rarely win, although it has happened before (Anna Paquin, for instance).

What a pathetic and weak category this year. There's not much to say here really because, even though Cate Blanchett is the vet and the one who deserves to win the most, we all know it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that Jennifer Hudson is taking this thing. Her previous wins at other awards ceremonies all but prove she is walking away with the statue. Which, truthfully, is a damn shame. This is a category about ACTING not SINGING. There is a big difference. Is Jennifer Hudson that good of an actor, really? Of course not. Heck, Dreamgirls wasn't even that great a film either. Why is she getting nominated then? Well if you can figure that one out, give me a call. Look, Jennifer, let me fill you in on something: stick to singing, it's your forte (although you're not good enough to win American Idol but...). The acting thing doesn't suit you. You are guilty of being one of those people who likes to pretend they are great in several areas. Remember when people like J'Lo and Britney were referred to as "triple threats?" Well, I tell ya, that really doesn't work out because the only person who is truly capable of being great in more than one area is none other than myself. Heck, I'm not just a master in the squared circle, now I'm taking on writing and Oscar predictions (and, trust me, I'll clean up here too). Other people who think they can pull off such multi-tasking are only fooling themselves. So, please, stop now Jennifer. And remember folks: the only triple threats worth your time and money are the ones that involve me taking on two opponents at once...and we all know who will get the 1-2-3, right?

Prediction: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

WINNER: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

We all knew it was going to happen, despite my protests. By the way, Jennifer? Celebrate that win for now because methinks you won't be winning too many more. And I don't think you'll be getting too many roles either, unless it's a musical. So, enjoy, but realize that the clock just struck fourteen on your fifteen minutes of fame.

• Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
• Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
• Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
• Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
• Mark Wahlberg, The Departed.

Tale of the Tape: Arkin has been nominated three times now, with his previous nominations being in 1968 for The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and in 1966 for The Russians are Coming The Russians are Coming. He has yet to win. This is the first nomination for Haley. It is the second nomination for Honsou, who was nominated in 2003 for In America in this same category. He did not win. This is also the first nomination for both Murphy and Wahlberg.

If there was any justice in this world, either Mark Whalberg or Alan Arkin would win because they both stole every scene they were in for their respective films. Honsou also delivered an outstanding performance that really should get the recognition it deserves. Unfortunately, most people seem to think that Eddie Murphy is going to win. The question I must ask is "why?" And, before you ask, yes I really would rather see Marky Mark, formerly of The Funky Bunch win here because at least he entertained me. Look, no one has cared about Eddie Murphy (outside of being a CG donkey) since at least the 1980s. This is the same man who gave us The Nutty Professor, Daddy Day Care, Life, and Doctor Dolittle. And now he is set to give us Norbit. That particular film is set to be released just before the Oscars telecast and I would like to think that voters would have seen the trailers and realized that alone should be reason enough to give him any sort of accolade. Ever. Sadly, people seem to like rooting for those who have been around a long time but have never won before (which is pretty much why Martin Scorsese gets nominated every year, no matter the film he produced and why Peter O'Toole is nominated this year). Well I don't buy into that thinking because I think we should only ever acknowledge those who are consistently excellent. In other words, people like me (though admittedly there are few individuals out there as good as myself). Eddie Murphy? That sounds like a punchline to me. But it is, sadly, what everyone is predicting. Oh well, I guess Dreamgirls can at least take solace in winning both supporting acting categories...and nothing else really. That at least makes me happy.

Prediction: Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls

WINNER: Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine

...And Dreamgirls didn't even win both of the Supporting categories. Excellent! You know, Barbara Walters was interviewing Murphy for her post Oscars special and she said that he told her back in 1987 that he was never going to win an Oscar. Don't you hate it when you're right Eddie? That's what you get for releasing Norbit.

• Penelope Cruz, Volver
• Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
• Helen Mirren, The Queen
• Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
• Kate Winslet, Little Children

Tale of the Tape: This is the first nomination for Cruz. It is the sixth nomination for Dench, with her only win coming in 1998 for Shakespeare in Love. This is the third nomination for Helen Mirren, having been nominated in 1994 for The Madness of King George and in 2001 for Gosford Park. She has yet to pick up a win. This is the fourteenth nomination for Streep, but she has only won twice; she won in 1982 for Sophie's Choice and in 1979 for Kramer vs. Kramer. This is the fifth nomination for Kate Winslet, although she has never won before.

Well I think we can rule Penelope Cruz out. I'm surprised she even got nominated. Why the heck is Meryl Streep nominated? Was it really that good of a performance? She must have something on someone within the Academy because there is no reason for her to keep getting nominated like this. Once again, this category is a no-brainer, as it really seems doubtful that Mirren is going to lose. Which begs the question, when did the Academy Awards get so predictable? No wonder they have problems with ratings going down each year! Who needs to watch? Where's the suspense? The upsets? More to the point, what the Oscars telecast really needs is me. After all, I am The Nielsen's Favourite Son and anytime I'm on screen the ratings go through the roof! They really should have asked me to host and not Ellen Degeneres. Because, heck, not only will all my fans, all The Boy Scouts, tune in to see me, but my natural aura of greatness will captivate audiences worldwide. And, as a bonus, if I don't agree with someone winning, I can always give them The Highway to HELLings and take it away. Now THAT'S entertainment!

Prediction: Helen Mirren, The Queen

WINNER: Helen Mirren, The Queen

Yeah, hardly surprising, was it?

• Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
• Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
• Peter O'Toole, Venus
• Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
• Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Tale of the Tape: This is the third nomination for DiCaprio, who is still searching for his first win. It is the first nomination for Gosling, who is best known for his role in The Notebook, opposite Rachel McAdams. This is the eighth nomination for Peter O'Toole and his first since My Favorite Year in 1982. He has never won (no, not even for Lawrence of Arabia; Gregory Peck won for To Kill a Mockingbird), although he did win an Honorary Award in 2002. This is the second nomination for Smith and he is still looking for his first win. This is the first nomination for Forest Whitaker.

Yet another easy category to predict, since pretty much every award show prior has picked Whitaker as Best Actor. Whatever. Now you might assume I would be rooting for my fellow Canadian Gosling...but you would be wrong. Gosling is too much of a pretty boy who makes sappy chick flicks. Also, he's dating Rachel McAdams, who clearly would rather be with me. Walk away Gosling, just walk away. Whitaker as the favourite is hardly surprising considering the recent trend of playing famous dead guys; Jamie Foxx won for playing Ray Charles, Philip Seymour Hoffman won for playing Truman Capote and even Joaquin Phoenix got a nod last year for playing Johnny Cash. You know what? Stop playing dead guys and give credit to those still living that deserve a biopic. I am, of course, once again referring to myself. Of course I realize the reason Hollywood won't make a film about me; bankruptcy claims and poverty rates would soar because everyone would be handing out money hand over fist to see the film until they were completely broke. The economy just can't handle it...yet. But, mark my words, someone will win an Academy Award for playing yours truly. The performance won't be perfect, because no one can ever come close to being as brilliant as I am, but it will be as good as it gets. I'm waiting Hollywood.

Prediction: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

WINNER: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Another safe bet.

• Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
• Martin Scorsese, The Departed
• Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
• Stephen Frears, The Queen
• Paul Greengrass, United 93

Tale of the Tape: Including his nomination for Best Picture for Babel, this is Inarritu's second nomination. This is the eighth nomination for Scorsese, but he (of course) has yet to pick up a win. This is the tenth nomination for Eastwood (including this year's other nomination for Best Picture) and he has four times, including both the Directing and Best Picture awards for both Unforgiven and Million Dollar Baby. This is the second nomination for Frears. He was previously nominated for The Grifters in 1990, but he did not win. This is the first nomination for Paul Greengrass.

Babel and The Queen seem like longshots, but I suppose nothing is impossible. Greengrass may win for sentimental reasons, but it doesn't look good because United 93 has just one other nomination and it is only for editing. Really, this looks like Eastwood will take it. Honestly, is this the film Scorsese should finally win for? Probably not. It's a fine film, but he has done better. Meanwhile, Eastwood seems to be the golden boy in Hollywood these days, so he seems likely. Plus, you have to take into account the fact that, often, the Best Director winner and Best Picture winner are from two different film. Thus, with The Departed looking like the favourite to win Best Picture, it seems like Clint is gonna take this. Methinks Marty needs to stop trying so hard. Seriously, it seems like the guy is just going out of his way every year to try and win that elusive Oscar. The fact is, Marty needs to realize that you can't win something just because you WANT it to happen. Instead, you win because you are truly the best at what you do. Me? I'm always the best. But obviously Marty is just, at best, first runnerup. I'm not saying he's bad, because he isn't, I'm just saying that maybe he isn't the best at what he does...at least not anymore. Give it up already Scorsese! Stop stealing away nominations from those who truly deserve it! As a message to the Academy, I'd like to steal a line from Iwo Jima if I may: do what is right because it is right. What is right? Giving it to Eastwood.

Prediction: Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima

WINNER: Martin Scorsese, The Departed

What do you know? The first time you couldn't bet against Marty. I did, because I like to play the odds. Besides, it's a travesty he had to win for this one. Honestly, it's good, but nowhere near his best work. Pity win written all over this.

• Babel
• The Departed
• Letters From Iwo Jima
• Little Miss Sunshine
• The Queen

Tale of the Tape: Babel has seven total nominations (with two in the Best Supporting Actress category). The Departed has five nominations, Letters four, while Little Miss Sunshine also has four, and The Queen has six. Including his nomination for Best Director, this is Babel's Alejandro González Iñárritu's second nomination (as producer). This is the first nomination for his fellow producers Jon Kilik and Steve Golin. This is the second nomination for The Departed producer Graham King, who was nominated in 2004 for The Aviator. He did not win. This is the tenth nomination for Letters producer Eastwood; he has four previous wins. This is the 12th nomination for his fellow producer Steven Spielberg, who has three previous wins. It is the second nomination for the third producer, Robert Lorenz, who was nominated in 2003 for Mystic River. This is the first nominaton for both Little Miss Sunshine producers David T. Friendly, Peter Saraf and Marc Turtletaub and the producers of The Queen, Andy Harries, Christine Langan and Tracey Seaward.

Little Miss Sunshine seems like the darkhorse here, which is shame because comedies never get their due. The Queen is a good flick, but some say it's only really THAT good because of the performance of Mirren. As such, some say it doesn't have a chance to win. Babel certainly has some nominations behind it, but it seems like it only has an outside chance. Still, maybe the whole "fractured narrative" thing is the new forumla for Oscar success after Crash won last year. Thus, it really seems like it's coming down to Letters and The Departed. Personally speaking, I would rather see Letter for Iwo Jima win. Why? Well, simply because of one repeated line from Ken Watanabe's character, General Tadamichi Kuribayashi; he often tells his men that "I am always in front of you." Hmm...who does that sound like? If that isn't a perfect description of me than I don't know what is. Basically, I am always in front of everyone. It's not my fault I this good at everything I do, but I really, really am. Sorry to rub it in. Now there could be an upset here, but I highly doubt it. After all, The Departed has been on top for too long for some other film to come by and knock it off its pedestal. As per usual, I speak from experience. Besides, even if there was an upset, by this point in the telecast most people will be too tired too even notice or care. Now we just have to hope they don't make a sequel, although how does one technically make a sequel when (SPOILER ALERT!) pretty much everyone dies? A remake into a sequel. Yeah, that sounds about as Hollywood as they come, doesn't it? Gag me.

Prediction: The Departed

WINNER: The Departed

No real surprise here either. It was looking like Little Miss Sunshine might shock, or that the Academy would play it safe and go with Babel, but they made a solid choice. I liked Letters from Iwo Jima a bit better, but this was my second choice anyway.

Well that's it. I'm sure you'll see just how awesome I am by the time the Oscars are over. Trust me, I guarantee I'll deliver on these promises. Why? That is just what I do. When The Boy says he'll do something, you can bet the farm that I will. You can take it to the bank! It's easy money!

Now if I got to pick the winners (and I really should), I can't say I wouldn't have much different nominees. I probably wouldn't give Babel as much recognition, since I really don't think it was that great of a film. And I would have liked to have seen more nods for Children of Men and United 93, particularly for Best Picture. Pan's Labyrinth could (should?) have also been nominated for Best Pic too.

It also kind of baffles me that Kyle Eastwood (Clint's son) and Michael Setevens of Iwo Jima didn't pick up a nominee for Best Original Score. And, well, ANY one of the actors should have got recognition too. Seriously, any one of Ken Watanabe, Shidou Nakamura, Tsuyoshi Ihara or Kazunari Ninomiya could have got something. I'm especially surprised that Ninomiya didn't, as he gave a heck of a great performance. Much better than Ryan Gosling anyway. You heard me Gosling. Don't like it? Tough. It's go time buddy! I'll lay a world of hurt on you little man.

Other than those gripes, I wouldn't pick Jennifer Hudson to win (I would probably pick Rinko Kikuchi or Cate Blanchett instead). I also wouldn't pick Eddie Murphy for Best Supporting Actor either; I would choose either Djimon Hounsou or Mark Wahlberg. For Best Director, I would likely go with Paul Greengrass actually. I really liked his work. Other than that though, I think my predictions match up with who SHOULD win.

So, in total, I got 9/24, for a pitiful 38% accuracy rating. Still, no one can be perfect 100% of the time (and that even includes me...but I'm the only one who ever comes close), so I'm at least glad I did it here and not in the middle of the wrestling ring.

As for the highlights? Most speeches weren't too long, which was nice. Ellen Degeneres made a good host (although, naturally, I would have been better). There were some nice surprise wins too. But, by far the best moment was Ellen talking to Clint and getting (of all people) Spielberg to take a photo of them for her Myspace page. And, better still, Clint telling her the moment he saw her "I liked that headset you gave me." It is as if Clint Eastwood keeps a list of things people have gave him over the years and he keeps it with him at all times so that he can thank them the next time he sees them. That's an image of Clint Eastwood I quite enjoy.

Anyway, until next time...I'm still better than you. Enjoy the Oscars.

Go back to Part One