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SYCHO SID: VAMPIRE HUNTER
If there is one person in efedding that I think I truly miss the most, it definitely has to be Sycho Sid. I have no idea who it was that
portrayed the Sid character back in the old RWW, but I truly do miss reading his roleplays. Not since Lewis Carrol has the world
seen such a prolific, acid-induced writer.
Somehow, Sid's roleplays were either nonsensical or completely insane. Example? Well, Sid had come across a picture of the realife
Sid double-chokeslamming The Dudley Boyz. So what does our hero do? Why, write a roleplay about it, silly! It took place at some sort
of ECW house show or something, despite the fact that ECW had been extinct for over a year by that point. Not to mention the fact that the Dudley Boyz
were under contract by WWE and Sid was, supposedly, in Rampage World Wrestling (in reality, WCW). So, already, the logic is just not there. Still, Sid
went with it. Basically, The Dudley Boyz challenge anyone in the back to a match. And who should answer said call? Sycho freakin' Sid. Now, I don't know if Sid just sits backstage
at various wrestling house shows around the country, of if he happened to stumble into some sort of time machine that allowed him to go back to a time when ECW still existed. Whatever the case may be, he
was walking down the ramp. Sid entered the ring, the proceeded to...you guessed it, double-chokeslam The Dudleyz. And that, that was about it.
To this day, I still have not quite worked this whole scenario out in my head.
Another time, Sid made an appearance on Oprah (!!!), as some little girl had wrote to the hose, hoping that Oprah could somehow let her meet
her hero before she died. Now, I know what you're thinking...who would a little girl want to meet just before she died? Who would she most
want to meet more than anyone? Justin Timberlake? Jennifer Lopez? No, silly. She wanted to meet Sycho Sid. And meet Sid she did. Yes, in this RP, Sid made an appearance on the show and
met with the little girl. But not all was well in OprahLand. Sid decided to verbally berate everyone on stage and even threaten others. Why, he even started to make fun of
the little girl (it's funny, because she's dying!). Then, Sid began to make some quasi-sexual comments about the girl and Britney Spears (!?!?!!). Finally, Sid starting to attack anyone and everyone in sight. Well, isn't
that wholesome entertainment for the whole family? The most puzzling part? I thought Sid was supposed to be a face at the time.
In fact, that was often the problem I had with Sid. Many roleplays blurred the lines between heel and face for me. On more than one occasion, Sid even killed
people in his roleplays. Read that again. Sid, the face, KILLED people. And, somehow, never got caught.
But that must be because everyone loved the big lunk. Hell, according to the roleplays, Sid is the most recognizable person...ever. Now, believe it or not, I'm not
actually badmouthing Sid here. In fact, I quite liked his work and I'm just having some fun here. But, let's be honest for a second: Sid never reached any level
beyond what I could call "upper middle card." Sort of like what John Cena is for WWE right now. Would you expect Cena to be recognized everywhere he goes? Probably not.
Yet, every single person in Sid's roleplays knew who he was. The guy coulda walked down the street of some village in a third world country and the people would know
who he was. Remarkable, since most of them probably don't have food or water, let alone television or the Internet.
Now, I don't mind Sid being recognized, per se. But I just found it to be quite excessive. I mean, I don't think there's a celebrity alive
who could be that recognizable. Especially a pro wrestler. Heck, I'm quite confident The Rock could walk into this room right now (I'm currently writing this in a library on campus) and I'm sure
only 5% of the 50 or so people would know who he was. THE ROCK! But Sid? Who doesn't know Sid?
You know what? It all makes sense now; it must be because Sid is quite the bachelor. Sid dated everyone from the aforementioned Britney Spears to Pam Anderson.
Hell, on one occasion he insisited that "and a few of his mates" gangbanged Jennifer Lopez. Unbelievable. You would think you would have
heard about that. I mean, you figure the tabloids would have had a heyday with that, especially since they were such huge stars. It would have been especially
scandalous, considering Jennifer was married at the time too. Maybe that's why it ended? Nevertheless, there is no doubt that Sid lived in his own little world. To quote Seinfeld, not that there's anything
wrong with that. Or....is there?
Well, call me crazy, but I do think there is something a little bit unsettling about Gorilla Monsoon's talking head in a jar, watching (and....commentating???) with Bobby Heenan
on Sid's appearance on David Letterman. Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. Now, let's ignore the whole "floating, talking head of a dead guy in a jar" thing, because I don't want to begin
to get into that one. Instead, let's focus on what else is going on here. But who commentates on someone's appearance on a talk show? Wouldn't the rest of the crowd get upset? Would you even want to sit beside a head in a jar? I can hardly
wait for The Rock's next appearance on Leno, when JR and The King provide commentary.
JR: "Leno, just mentioned Walking Tall, Rock's newest movie. Business is about to pick up here King!"
King: "And business will certainly pick when Beyonce comes out here later on! Puppies!"
JR: "What an anecdote from The Great One! What a slobberknocker!"
See what I mean? It's just not likely gonna happen! All this, PLUS the fact that the two guys providing commentary were Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon: one is dead, and the two have never worked for RWW. Huh?
Not convinced of the greatness that is Sid yet? How about the series of roleplays he did, which involved that old plot cliche that thriller writers inevitably always fall back on (well, that and the reemergence of Nazis): man being hunted by another for sport. Hey, it worked for John
Leguizamo, right? Wrong. The story is that some big game hunter finds Sid and tells him that he needs only the ultimate hunt to satisfy his blood lust. A tiger? No, that's been done. A bear? Who needs one of those tacky rugs anyway? No, you need to hunt a man. The Ultimate man. No, not our old pal
Jim Hellwig/Warrior. Well that's all good and fine (I guess), but Sid, did you have to murder the guy in cold bold at the end? Especially troubling, since Sid was (you guessed it) a face at the time.
Yeah, murder is always looked upon favorably. Right OJ?
But nothing, nothing could prepare me for that happened next. It started innocently enough (albeit rather strange at the same time). Sid wrote a roleplay where he was sitting in an airport, waiting for a flight.
While he was waiting, he started to talk to an old friend he met up with. Who was it? None other than Blade (aka Wesley Snips as the character Blade, from the eponymous film). The gist of this RP was that Snipes...er...Blade was bequeathing a pair of glasses to Sid. These weren't normal shades, these were special vampire-hunting glasses. Because, you know, EVERY wrestler
needs a pair of those. In fact, most people fail to realize that Buffy was actually based off the real life exploits of Hulk Hogan. "Brother, I'm gonna stab you in the heart. Watcha gonna do, whe Hulkamania runs wild on you?" Anyway...a few weeks later, trouble was a brewing. See, Sid starts off a RP with a young couple leaving a church. At midnight. WTF? Forget that, trust me, it's the least of our worries.
Anyway, they're leaving when a vampire attacks them for no apparent reason. That's right, a vampire. That's a pretty ballsy vampire, consider he's right outside a church. I mean, don't vampires hate the sign of a Cross? Oh well...the vampire is about to attack and certain doom is about to befall the couple when who should appear? Sid, silly. Not sure why Sid was just walking around a church in Nowhere, USA, or why he was doing it at
midnight. Come to think of it, maybe he was just getting back from one his random house show appearances. Anyway, Sid does battle with the vampire, who reveals he has long since waited for the day that he could duel
with Sycho Sid. You see? Even the undead has heard of Sid. The guy gets around. Mostly on foot. Anyway, what followed next was an epic encounter, as the couple looked on. Why didn't the couple run away, as two scary dudes (one who just tried to kill them) or doing battle in the streets with swords fight mere inches away? That's the million dollar question, my friend. The two warriors fought valiantly, before taking a slight break in the action.
Then, this happened:
Vampire: "You certainly do have the killer instinct."
Sid: "Yes, I do have Killer Instinct....in a match this Friday! And he can't win and neither can you!"
So what's the problem here (aside from the trite dialogue)? Sid had a match on Friday...against The Big E. Killer Instinct wasn't even booked on the card. All that, for one stupid little line, and it wasn't even relevant. See why I love Sid?
So, whether Sid's at his bar (where death fight matches take place nightly, apparently), hitting on and the pummeling dying children, being hunted or hunting vampires, his roleplays always brought a smile to my face.
Bless you Sid, and your magical mystery world.
Scott "I possess the killer instinct" Hellings
February 6, 2004
 
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