At 10:30, during Lady Macbeth�s class, the peon came to call me downstairs. Someone was waiting for me. I went and found R in the Waiting Room. There was no one else there. he stood up and said, �Hello - why did you cry all night?�
�Certainly not!� I said.
�Listen, I want to have a reply just now,� he said seriously, and became jovial again, �have to catch a plane to New York to get a ring, if you say �yes� - or to Siberia, if you say �no�.�
�What reply? You never asked anything?�
�Will you, madam, I beg you on my knees... oh bother, I forgot to ask you something rather important prior to all this. Do you.. I mean, are you engaged to someone?� he pointed to the ring on my finger. �You always wear that.� He looked at me expectantly.
I fidgeted with my dupatta, put my palm by the side of my face to hide it, then removed the ring at once, and felt hot all over. I had always felt like lying to him because he was so great. I couldn�t control myself and said, �yes.� I said guilty after that, but rationalized it to myself by thinking of the unsaid commitment to D.
�What?� he said. �Here, look at me, Meera.� - He had always called me Meera even after I told him my name. I kept looking down, because I wouldn�t have known what to say otherwise.
�Meera,� he said. �Listen, I... I am sorry that I persecuted you like this - I often thought you�d think of me as another Romeo - but I never dreamt you�d be engaged at your age.� He stopped. I looked in the mirror behind him, and saw his profile, white and perspiring - and then mine, red like nothing I had seen before.
He spoke for the last time, hesitating, �You must love him, of course... I should have really asked all this before - I�ll take that plane to Siberia now, don�t worry. Forget it and never tell all this to him, otherwise you never know what... and don�t, don't get married till at least five years. You�re a real dummy at present. And of course, I will never come again after this �Bye�,� he said, and went to the door. I felt my legs trembling so I went and sat on the sofa. He turned and said bye again and went away. I never looked at him. Two minutes later a mobike was kicked into life, and roared away.
I sat for an hour and thought over it all. I had wanted to tell him that I�d love to have him as a friend, but I wouldn�t serve him like he was a god. What would be the future of my awful habit of seeing something in someone, and trying to befriend him.
Of course, he�ll never come again - of course... I thought monotonously. It was too good to last, you idiot, I told myself. And just think how lucky you were to get out in time - suppose, he had been a gangster? But couldn�t he have gone on being friend? I felt bitter again. I never expected anything from him, so why should he have done so? My mind told me that he was a very decent person not to have taken any advantage at my expense... but then, even I had never exploited him. He wanted to pour out his family troubles and I had helped him by listening. There was nothing between us...
I thought of him stopping by the door, and was furious with myself. I should have told him that I wanted to compete in the Civil Services exams, that I would prefer a career to anything or anyone, that I was nearer to him in spirit than to D, that I wanted us to be friends, and that I�d like to talk too, that... it was an endless chain of unlinked thoughts.
I got up when some people came in, and went for a walk around the campus. I missed all the classes that day, even forgot that my books were in Lady Macbeth�s class. Only at 3:30 when I went to get my things, I remembered that. I felt it in my bones that they�d be with her. I found her sitting with a bundle of copies, checking them fervently.
�Come in,� she sang. I went and sat in my chair. �How, now, brown cow,� she chanted - I didn�t, couldn�t, laugh - �Hallo, long face,� she said, peering over her glasses, �are you gone berserk?�
�I�m OK. I wanted to ask you something...,� I said. �...about love,� I added.
She made a terrible face, �Must you?� she said, �Just a minute, this copy is almost finished and has finished me.�
I fiddled with her pens. She became very conspiratorial all of a sudden. �You want to fall in love? That�s the fellow who came to meet ya? Why didn�t ya return?�
�Will you listen ma�am? I want to know if inflicting pain over each other by using lies and hurting words, or even using praise that is hurtful to the other, consists of love?�
She pondered and made faces - then made a cat on the blotter, and showed it to me, and made her eyes dance very comically. I laughed again. �Yes, I think so. But... it is all very vague.�
She made me tell her everything. It was almost five O�clock when I finished. Strangely, I wasn�t crying or being sad at all. I was actually very happy over it. I felt remarkably light. Lady Macbeth was serious. She said, �That was an aw-full-y nice chap. Wouldn�t mind to meet him myself. But don�t you feel bad now?� �I think I�m unhappy because I could not tell him I like him as a friend. But I am glad I didn�t consent to...�
�Look here,� said Lady Macbeth. She ticked the points on her fingers. �You should be proud that he offered himself to you, be happy because you have your own free will and can exercise it, be sad to lose a friend, be glad to be un-shackled, be true to yourself and your ambitions, and be ready to defy your parents after BA. You are not wrong at all.�
She was very sweet about it all. I felt much better. �I�m not a sadist, am I, ma�am?�
�Naw, ma�am. But you are a very young fool. there�s nothing bad in getting married, but it is good for you to study more and quench your thirst. I know how you feel ma�am,� she said.
We got up and arranged the things. She gave me the books - she had got them after all. She patted me on my back, and chucked me under my chin, and poked my ribs. I was feeling great. She said while locking the door, �Someone will be better than everyone else in the world some day, for your eyes only, pussy-kitty. And this fellow wasn�t him by all looks, was he?�
I said not really. I reached home at 5:30, and was asked where I had been. I looked out and saw D standing at his gate. I felt free of him also. �I was having a session with Dr Corfield,� I told them, �About life and living.�
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