Me and my girlfriend were driving to Blockbuster. We were driving through her town, rounded a corner, and suddenly there's all these kids running around on the road. One in particular, the leader of the little rats, was really going for it, waltzing all over the road and jumping around. Fucking idiot. How did kids end up like this? Who's been putting stuff in their Ribena? Little shits.
So, as usual I start going nuts. My girlfriend honks the horn at them, and eventually they move, but in their own time and at their own pace, all the time taunting us and gesturing at us. If I thought shouting random abuse at them was going to teach them a lesson, I would have, but as I thought it pointless, we kept driving. But then what do I see behind me in the mirror? A lorry driver ploughing through them? No, but that would have ruled.
This car going in the opposite direction has to slow right down, because the kids have ran out in front of him, and they've started their little routine. Just another victim of their pointless game? Hell no. The driver, who I shall refer to as 'The Dude' from here on in (yes, that's right, I'm assuming he's male) slams on the brakes, reverses, and pulls up next to them! I actually orgasmed.
Now, I don't actually know what happened next, but I can have a good guess, as I think I know The Dude better than anyone. This is what happened: after he reversed, pulled in and parked his car, he left the engine running for just a moment. Then he turned the key slowly, giving the engine a sort of terrifying pulse-like whirr as it shuts off. The red tail-lights faded into the black night, leaving just a faint suggestion of where the car sat.
The Dude can't be seen moving, because A) it's dark, and B) he's probably a ninja. But on the edge of hearing, the kids can imagine a faint pitter patter of approaching feet, that indicates their imminent death. Then suddenly, he appears from out of the shadows, into the orange glow of a streetlight. His face is all screwed up, and his beared teeth are all gnarled, as if he's just eaten a few bricks. He's dressed in a lumberjack's outfit, has a scruffy beard with remnants of porridge in it, and his face is all ugly and scarred, lasting signs of a fight he once had with a chainsaw (he won).
The kids, of course, are rooted to the spot. There's a vague smell of piss emanating from them. The Dude came from an angry background where his mum and dad beat him up a lot for pissing his pants, or for not pissing them, whatever (but it all worked out in the end, because he did weights for a few years and beat them into submission). Naturally as a result of this, The Dude doesn't have time for kids that piss their pants, so he grabs one by the throat and squeezes for dear life, until he dies.
Then The Dude decides, enough with this stylish shit, and goes on a rampage. He grabs a little girl and powerbombs her through the windshield of a passing car. Boom! Glass in your face, bitch. Next it's the leader of the pack's turn. The Dude brings the pain to his sorry ass over and over again, laying the smackdown all over his stupid little face until he dies from shock, or from pissing his pants, or something.
Bang! He throws one against a wall, cracking their skull open. Stupid lame kids, 0, The Dude, 4. There's a few other kids left, who weren't really running across the road as such, just encouraging the others to, so he eats them and goes back to his car (which was really nice, incidentally, some sort of black sports car)
Afterwards, as I wept with joy at the beautiful sight I had just seen (in my head anyway), I tried to figure out why he did it. Initially, I reckoned he had read my article about my bad day. Remember I was moaning about that stupid woman who didn't run down some kid? But then, no, it all made sense to me. It's The Dude's hobby.
That's what he does for fun. One day, he decided that his rage had became too much for him to handle, as he kept trashing his apartment (I figure he lives alone), so he had to come up with a new way to vent. And so he decided to beat up random kids for fun. He wasn't actually doing it because they had pissed him off. It was just because they were kids, and that's what he gets off on. Genius.
And for anyone who reads this and thinks it's terrible that I promote violence against kids ...you're right, I do. But only the stupid ones. Think about it, do you really care if some scummy little tit gets the pain laid all over their face? Of course not. Unless you're trying to be PC, no one actually cares. Every day, I see kids doing stupid things, and I wish that a train would hit them, or maybe a fistful of rocks. Just think, if more of us take to hitting the stupid children, then you're helping my British culling campaign, which has to be a good thing, right?
PS - If you're still not convinced about violence against kids, bite me.
PPS - If you're wondering why he hit the brakes in the first place, as opposed to just running them down, A) he didn't want to damage his nice car, B) he takes pleasure in kicking them in, C) he's a professional all the way, D) you suck
PPPS - This is roughly how The Dude looks...
