(That was your cue for voracious applause)
For too long now, I have been pissed off with the people of Britain. There are stupid bastards everywhere you look:- in shopping malls, on the roads, in restaurants, in the streets. They're everywhere. Why won't they leave me alone? It's like they enjoy annoying me, approaching me with 2 for 1 offers on useless products and offering me a blowjob if I say the word 'Gouranga' (or whatever it is they offer you). People bumping into me because they're too busy typing a text message to their friend. Old crusty women bashing me with their trolleys. People serving me with fake smiles and false words, ever-cheery and dreaming of a higher purpose in life, something more important to society than packing grocery bags.
So for a very long time now I have been shut away in my room, devising a plan. Deprived of light, water, human contact, and other things that have probably made me smell of cheese and sweaty bollocks, I have concocted a plan so brilliant that the tiny minds of the slow and the uneducated will never see it coming; like a racist joke from the lips of Barney The Dinosaur, or like a wet fart from a nun. I have slowly been releasing details of my plan to a few, well-trusted allies, and so already the ball is rolling. Now it is time to bring the plan into the public, to actively recruit members for my new cult. I call it - The British Culling Society. Our chief weapon is surprise...and fear...surprise and fear...and ruthless effiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...
Anyway, on with the doo-dah. The purpose of The British Culling Society will be much like that of the dudes responsible for deer culling...basically going out into the land and wiping it of all its problems. We will wipe Britain of all the unnecessary morons (and when I say we, I mean me and the two other recruits I have so far). I thought I could be really smart by saying that we would basically wipe Britain of people who read The Sun, imagining that all the tools who annoy me come under this banner. But with more thought, I realised that the enemy has troops further afield than this, such as the pseudo-intellectuals that wear box glasses and read broadsheet newspapers, and crap their underwear at night so they can smell their own feces, because they get off on it, or something. So, our enemies will include: readers of The Sun, pseudo-intellectuals, typical bloke-y males, text-message fanatics, misbehaving kids, people that don't read long articles because they don't have the attention span, Republican Americans, straight-edgers....actually, wait, this is hurting my brain. This list could go on forever...
Instead, check this list, and if more than three apply to you, then you're probably safe.
i - You're reading this website.
II - You have an IQ of 140+
iii - Your second name isn't Di Caprio
iv - You have been to an Iron Maiden concert
v - You have big boobs and are willing to send me photographic evidence of this (man boobs not valid)
vi - You regularly have steak and cheese for breakfast
vii - You don't consider dance and techno forms of music
viii - You own a Bill Hicks CD
ix - You agree with everything I've ever written
x - You shared a tent with me at Donington festival
Okay, that ought to do it.
That's a pretty exclusive list, so I figure we'll have a sort of super-race left once we get rid of everyone else. We spare no-one: niggers, gays, whites, Jews, children, straights, cripples, Americans, the obese, they're all going to die. Man, this is going to rule.
Right, we have a few methods available to us. The first plan, and possibly the coolest, is that we dig a really big hole. Then, we kill everyone and throw them in the hole. Or just let them fall in of their own stupid accord, whatever works out best at the time. This plan is slightly flawed, because it involves digging a big hole in the first place, which could sit uncomfortably with my lazy approach to things. But I have a good solution - we find a child, chain him up, and hit him until he digs a hole for us. Or we use his head as a shovel. I don't know, something like that. This is roughly how that plan would look (pretty cool I think you will agree)...
Anyway, if you want to join and help me kill people, drop me a line, or send me some money. I've still to decide on a final plan, but the big fire is looking likely. Ooh, or we could build a big hole and then set a fire in it. Brilliant. And then we can piss on them while they burn, and they'll think that the skies have opened and God is saving them, so then we throw sandwiches at them and they will think that we are being merciful, but the sandwiches will have napalm in them, so all the idiots will roll around in agony, and as the last trace of their miserable life leaves them, they'll realise that there is no God and that it's all just one big long assfuck. And then I'll rape their corpses and laugh. Oh yeah, this is going to be good.
One other thing, The British Culling Society are also trained balloon modellers, and we are available for children's birthday parties.