I am feeling much better at the moment but I am wary of saying anything like that. I ate a few of the blander things in life yesterday hoping that nothing would happen, and fortunately it did not. I am keeping a close eye on Missy because she went three times yesterday, however they seemed quite normal.
But enough of bodily functions, more onto discovering why I am such a terribly hateful person (I dreamt last night that Janet was trying to teach me to be likeable). So the best way is to exam what Annabelle (aka The Bitch…couldn’t think of a better name before) says about me. Why? Because she is the only person who has ever been so hateful towards me. She knew me better than anyone else as well, which is handy. So, first my reply to her first email, then her reply to mine:

OMG, get over it. I was joking. [As I said previously] The thing that ruined my weekend was a fucking incident with the taxi service, nothing to do with you! I don't get mad at you for not calling I was just trying to be sarcastic and get you to come over here, but you don't have to. And I didn't really understand what had happened to robs car because your message was vague.
And you want to know the truth. I find it difficult to be a mother in front of you because I find you to be my biggest critic. I feel as though sometimes I just don't do things right. {When someone constantly says to you about discipline, and generally after doing such, something along the lines of “I would do it differently but I’m not a mother” you start to get a little paranoid about what they are thinking.] I never know if what I say is going to offend you because even when I don't mean it you take it the wrong way. [She once got all sulky because I called her a fool. I called the cat a fool. I called MYSELF a fool. She just threw a tantrum and made me feel uncomfortable in my own house. Did she say anything immediately? No.] I feel as though the way that I live isn't good enough for you and that the way that I parent my daughter isn't good enough. The way I treat Missy when you are not around is completely different because I do not feel like I am being judged. [That is true. I am a lot less angry when Annabelle isn’t around. Or rather, calmer.]
As for the Telstra thing I was not in debt. They gave me a bill the day before I moved and would not turn it on at the new premises. I was paying the instalments and have been ever since. I know I got myself into debt and you obviously haven't listened to me because I have admitted that once before. I was just annoyed because everyone told me a different thing and I got lied to by the company. You weren't here to witness any of it or hear any of it but nothing that I do matters anyway because everything that I want to do is just one giant dream that will never come true because I am an idiot.[Some of the things she has said indicated this.] You may think that I am being uptight, and maybe I am, but that is how you make me feel. I'm not clean enough and I am a bad mother.
And maybe some of the reason that I am angry has nothing to do with you. Maybe I am just angry. Maybe I am sick of having to justify myself. You wanted the truth, there it is. I was never going to tell you because I knew it would make you angry like everything else I say, but you wanted it. And even when you apologize for something I always still feel like it was my fault so don't bother because apparently it is. I don't know what else to say.

So she replied with an “okay” and then sent this email:

Please stop writing about me. I can’t believe you are that insensitive that you seem to believe I won’t be hurt by everything you are saying. Oh sorry, you don’t think any of it was offensive. Well fuck you; you wouldn’t because you wrote it. [I was discussing the fight in my journal- somewhere I am meant to write my opinion. I didn’t come out and say all these nasty things about her, only what was happeneing. Geez, I didn’t call her a bitch or uptight or self centered or anything like she said in these emails.] I DON’T bitch about you. I don’t care if it’s meant to be private, write it in your PERSONAL diary for Christ sake. [This was meant to be a private journal, that is why I said nothing about it to her. She should have realized that and stopped readingl] I’m not denying that it was unfortunate for us both that I came across it but I find it unbelievable that you haven’t even bothered to ask me how it felt to read what you wrote about me and what you are STILL writing about me and the situation. How she felt? She never bothered to ask how I felt about the situation. And I was not STILL writing about the situation, she happened to read it on the date that it was written. Duh.] You’re obviously not sorry; just upset that now you can’t be ‘your true self’ because I am ‘there to judge you’. [No, I was not sorry. I said nothing that should have been offensive, only how I felt in a situation and didn’t feel I could voice at the time because someone would react like THIS!] Well, don’t worry; I’m not going to subject myself to your bitching any more. I don’t need that shit. You may think I’m being selfish for being upset about this, but how would you like it if I wrote what you felt to be horrible things then left it around for you to read. On purpose no less. You obvious don’t care about my feelings or you think I don’t have any. Just because it’s your diary does make it okay? Does it mean I’m supposed to be immune? I felt like such a fool sitting here still believing you to be my BEST friend and then reading what you really think about me. And then, ‘Some where our friendship turned sour…’ Oh but hang, ‘I still think of her as a friend’ Well gee, thanks a lot. [I still agree with this. I haven’t felt like a friend to her in a long time.] Don’t do me any favours. I don’t know why you seem to be intent on destroying my feelings for you. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO YOU? I wrote you one e-mail in response to all the shit I read because I was genuinely surprised and hurt and I simply didn’t understand where it all came from. And just to clarify – ‘I am mad at you for not calling me earlier on Saturday (and the fact that I did a lot of yelling that night didn't make coming home to find the message easier)’ doesn’t sound like sarcasm. It sounds like you were mad at me for some selfish, dumb-arse reason. [She should know me better by now to know what sarcasm is.]
God, I feel stupid being so upset by all this but for Christ sake, this isn’t necessarily about you writing mean things but the fact that you think them in the first place. [Exactly. They weren’t particualriy mean She just thinks no one should think something she doesn’t.]I can’t believe I was so blatantly naïve where our friendship was concerned. I've done nothing but enjoy our 'friendship' and have never felt then need to bitch about you in such a hurtful manner. So fuck you. If I make you feel so bad, sad, insecure, worthless, and guilty – it’s not my fucking PROBLEM. If you feel it’s impossible to talk to me, then don’t talk to me. You can decide on what you want, what would make you happy. All I can say is that I loved you as a friend and have always thought you were a fantastic person that I wanted to know for the rest of my life. [Enjoy our friendship? We never do anything. I get sick of sitting around doing talking and she never wants to go out. Last time I took her out she made a point of making me realize that she was having a shit time.] I didn’t try to change you, I just accepted you for you. Yeah, so I think you’re messy – YOU ARE. I’ve told you that. Big fucking deal. [It is a BIG FUCKING DEAL when you go on and on and on about it in conversations. And she didn’t call me messy, she called me DIRTY. She is frigging pedantic!] Bad me for enjoying being a neat person, how disgustingly despicable to take pride in things. If you have a problem with yourself, with your lifestyle then fucking it - just stop blaming all your INSECURITIES ON ME. All this crap that I apparently ‘make’ you feel is all in your own fucking self-absorbed mind. [The way she behaves towards someone and what she says is never going to have an effect then huh?]I never said that you were a bad mother. NEVER. I have never even implied anything contrary to the fact that Missy is obviously a happy little girl. I’m sorry if I can’t help looking uncomfortable when you scream at your daughter but I am JUST UNCOMFORTABLE. [So am I.] Just like you were when your fucking neighbours abused me. God, you have no idea how much that one hurt. I would never have even brought this up again but you seem to have no trouble jabbering on about it like it was just some lousy inconvenience. [I’ll explain this in a minute] Like you were some poor victim. I had to defend myself - you didn’t even attempt to intervene. Oh hang on, what was it - ‘Don’t yell around Missy’ – a bit hypocritical. I was only in that situation because you asked for my help. I would have done anything I could to help but then you screw me all for some stupid money, some scummy deal you fumbled your way through, complaining all the time. [Who is the one that is always on about and fighting about money?]There are some things I value more than money – where are my priorities? And yeah I sulked. What I really wanted to do was leave, just drive away and cry. [At the time I wanted her to. Really.] I felt so betrayed. I would have never let anyone treat you the way that you let me be treated. In your own fucking house too. But I resolved to think about it rationally, sensibly and came to the conclusion I could get past it because I didn’t want it affecting our friendship. Evidently you don’t care that much. Have you thought this little of me for this long? Oh, so apparently I called you ‘stupid’ once yet you can’t remember when or why. [I remember all the times. I do. But I don’t really want to discuss them with her.] You not remember, how odd. Anyway, you go on a bitching session about me and it’s all okay – I’m not supposed to be upset? [What do you call these emails?]
God, you can just shove my platinum platter up your arse Samantha. I don’t care how you respond to this, [What I meant by this is that she gets everything she wants. She does. Can I help it if she is spoilt?] I am so fucking hurt. You want no friends? You got it. I can’t believe I’m getting this upset over such a ridiculous situation but it’s clear you want it this way. Why else are you being so fucking mean? Try and see this FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. Don’t go twisting it around, I’m not the one writing things about you behind your back. Or as it is now, right in front of your face. I thought we were fucking brilliant friends but friendship shouldn’t be this hard. I’m tired of your constant pity party. [My pity party. When was the last time she cared about what I was upset about and didn’t think of it as a drama or a triviality? Isn’t that what friends are meant to do?] Poor fucking you. I want to be supportive but I how am I supposed to do that if you feel you can’t even talk to me. It seems like you just want to hurt me with all this pointless, malicious shit. WHY DO YOU KEEP WRITING SHIT ABOUT ME? What the fuck have I done to you? [What malicious shit? I was responsing to her evil fucking email. All because of one sarcastic comment.] Either I am insanely insensitive or you simply spend so much time alone that you conjure all this bullshit up in your head.
Excuse me while I go sulk and critisize everything I lay eyes on. I'm good at that. Now that is fucking sarcasm.

So I guess I will describe the situation about the neighbours that this is all about. My neighbours were buying my car. True, they were and did succeed in screwing me over, but that is not the point. The point is Annabelle disliked them instantly because they were ‘scum’. Yes they were, but she treated them like shit and they noticed that. I had to live near them. So I go ask for some of the money. They come down to my flat while I try t print the receipt and Annabelle and Mrs. Scum start fighting. I have no idea what they are fighting about and I honestly don’t care. They don’t like each other. I had the choice of stopping the fight and kicking my neighbour out, losing the money and living near these people that I didn’t trust just to make Annabelle feel good. OR I could let Annabelle fight her own battles because she is a big enough girl to do so. Hell, if I knew what they were fighting over I would have stepped in. But at the time I thought that she could defend herself. It wasn’t like she was completely free of fault. She made it plain to these people that she thought that she was better than them. So I made the decision that I thought was right at the time. Oh please forgive me Annabelle, please. Really, I should have defended you for making some people feel like shit.
I still don’t know what the fight was about and I don’t care.
Anyway, I am not disagreeing with any of this. I obviously an a horrible person. So Fuck it. More of this later with my reply then hers. God forgive me for having and opinion. That is something that I really ought to stop having.

2553 words posted by Samantha at 0936hr. Email Me