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29TH JULY, 2003: BREAKING APART
I am getting sadder by the day. I go to bed depresses and I wake completely disillusioned with what I am doing with my life. That has nothing to do with Missy as I think she is the only reason that I am alive most of these days. The only reason that I bother to get out of bed.
I hate this course. I know that I have a snowballs chance in hell of getting into architecture. If I did bother completing this course I have very little chance of getting into teaching because my grades are getting worse and worse, my will to get up is diminishing, and I am so sad it hurts. And I have no one to turn to. Losing Annabelle as a friend really wouldn�t make much difference because I could never tell her when I was feeling like this. Never. I didn�t trust her that much and felt that she would be judging me. Have I ever had anyone to tell how I feel? I had alcohol for a few years there, and it was a pretty good friend. Made me believe in myself. Until I was sober the next morning that is and I would wake up and rue my behaviour from the night before.
As I have mentioned, I do not regret a thing that I have done because it gave me Missy and she is worth it all. It is fixing up my life at the moment that is the hard part.. Doing something that I absolutely despise, having no friends, typing with clouded eyes, making friends. I don�t know how to make friends. I have tried and I keep failing. People don�t like me and I don�t know what is wring with me. It has always been like this and it hurts so much. Now I am just too scared and don�t know what to do to fix this situation. I know that it is all up to me, and that only I can fix it, but I don�t know how. I really don�t.
344 WORDS POSTED BY SAMANTHA AT 0852HR. COMMENT.
APATHETIC
Would it bother you to know that this:
does not bother me in the least? It must say something about either our celebrity obsessed nation of my preference for skinny girls. NO! I am not saying that I find her attractive, quite the opposite. I think that women should have boobs, which she is obviously lacking. But I do like her arms. What I am saying is that images of anorexic people do not bother me in even a little bit because our generation (is it generation Y? or Nintendo?) has been constantly bombarded with images of not only underweight celebrities, to which I cannot feign disinterest, but anorexic women. They are shown in magazines all the time and eventually, like images of death, we become apathetic about them. No, that really isn�t the case, they become normal.
A few weeks ago my mother and I were waiting at the train station for my bus and my mother said something about a girl being too skinny, on the verge of being anorexic. I couldn�t for the life of me figure out who she was talking about. When she finally pointed her out I couldn�t see what she was talking about, I thought that the girl looked great. Skinny, yes, but not anorexic. I guess if you took all her clothes off it may be a little more obvious, but what is too skinny to my mother is normal to me. What I want to look like in fact.
Says something about the generation gap. If you can�t figure it out I am feeling a little better. Afternoons must be my time of day. I am not a morning nor night person, rather an afternoon person. Or it could be that I finally rid myself of the depression/stress headache buy spending money on paracetamol. Or it could be that though my phone bill is still massive, it is still $35 less than the last bill. Woo-hoo!
Still feeling like shit personally. I hate myself. Oh well. Time to read shamelessly trashy magazines and read what is quite possibly going to be the most honest interview ever by the brilliant Regina, winner of BB3 Australia!
366 WORDS POSTED BY SAMANTHA AT 1649HR. COMMENT.
COMMENTS
Name: energy
Well, I'm glad to hear that your first entry wasn't representative of your whole day.
May I direct your attention here: http://www.geocities.com/geekylittlebitch/2003/july/030703.html
for a little inspiration. Althougth I don't really know that it will help.
I think you hit the nail on the head with regards to our views of anorixia. So much of the time we accept an underweight body as beautiful. I think its a shame, but find myself doing it too.
Personally though, I have trouble respecting annorexic people. Mostly in the forum of reading diaries. I get so angry and forget that it truely is a diseas that they can't control. I watch my friends and family try to achieve a healthy weight. and I try hard to maintain at the weight I'm at. just hearing people whine about needing to get down to something unreasonable really makes me mad. Also, I think my reaction is a result of my father and his critisim of women.
Her legs are the only thing that really make me cringe. I've been loosing weight lately (involuntarily) and seeing pictures of anorixic people sometimes encorage me to continue on that path, and other times encourage me to eat more. Kinda depends on the mood and the picture. Last night I was all ready to write about how happy I was about it, but by this morning I was mourning the loss of my boobs, and seeing that picutre, I'm going to eat a big lunch. But really I know that I have to maintain what I have.
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Age: 23
Height: 169cm (5"6')
Start: 120kg (264.5lb)
Current: 85kg (187lb)
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Weak, transient effect: This influence normally indicates a few hours of unusually intense feelings. Today during the day you will have a strong desire to know yourself and to experience life largely through the emotion. This is probably not the best time for work that requires a completely clear and dispassionate state of consciousness, but you will not feel like doing that kind of work anyway. You will want to engage your emotions in whatever you do, and you will experience a richness of feeling and inner life that is satisfying in itself. This influence is good for any business matters concerning the general public or for any situation in which you have to appear before the public or a large group. Otherwise it is not an influence that stimulates drive and ambition. (Astro.com)
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