The Longest Distance Between Two Points is a Straight Line. So what do we do? Should we try to imitate straight people? They're the one's that are supposed to be getting it right. They're the ones that have the market cornered on marriage for some reason or another. Sometimes I wish I wasn't gay, life would be so much simpler if we weren't gay, wouldn't it? Then I hear these straight guys talk to their wives and girlfriends. Have you ever heard these conversations? "Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Oh honey shnookums, anything for you." What fucking pussies they sound like. And I'M supposed to be the FAGGOT? What the fuck is that about?!

The shit straight guys will put up with. The dinners, the movies, the flowers, the chocolates. Jesus. And if that weren't bad enough, they got to sit through those damned movies... those GOD AWFUL fucking movies. You know the ones I'm talking about. I mean, for christ's sake, how many times can a person sit through watching Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks pissing and moaning about how lonely they are and then bitching at each other about how wrong they are for each other before they finally end up in the sack?
Shit, this bitch Nora Ephron has made a mint taking the same damned script and slapping a new fucking title on it! (Incidently, the movie's no better if Nora Ephron's, Tom Hanks', or, for that matter, Meg Ryan's part is played by Billy Crystal). And straight guys will put up with this shit just to get a little fucking pussy at the end of the day, can you imagine? (They like to say that these movies are "gay." Let's set the record, umm, straight once and for all: There's nothing gay about these movies! They're 100% bona fide heterosexual slop!)

By then, you realize that it's not just pussy anymore. Hell no, she's made sure of that. He had to work it to get her to put out. This is no longer mere pussy, this is an INVESTMENT. Of course, there's a limit to the amount of shit that he'll put up with. Like all investments, he needs to get a good return on his investment. And there's a simple mathematical equation to determine how much he'll put up with. First you need to take all the money he's shelled out for the dinner, the movies, the flowers, the chocolates, the jewelry, and on and on and on... You divide that number by the number he thinks SHE is on a scale of one to ten... then you divide THAT number by the number of times she's willing to put out in a week. The closer that final number is to zero, the better the investment.

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