It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
There is a lady who goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "No," the woman replies, "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want," exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!," the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
Actual dialog of a "FORMER" WordPerfect Customer Support employee:"Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
The little boy at the back of the class was squirming in his chair, not paying attention. The teacher approached him to find out what the problem was. Quite embarrassed, the boy whispered that he had just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy.
The teacher sent him to the principal's office to phone his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making the phone call he returned to class and sat down. All of a sudden, there was a commotion in the back of the room.
The boy was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "Whatare you doing?" the shocked teacher asked. "I thought I told you to call your mom."
"I did," came the reply, "and my Mom told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
A man walks into a bar after getting off of work. He has a couple beers and just when the bartender calls last call, he looks over to his left and sees another man passed out, sprawled out on the counter.
The man looks at the bartender and asks for the guy's address because he felt the drunk was in no condition to drive home. After getting the address, he walks over to the passed out guy, picks him up off the stool, holds him up and says, "Hey man, can you act a little sober and walk over to my car cause I am gonna drive you home." The drunkard slightly nods his head up and down in response, but when the man lets go of the drunk, he collapses to the ground.
The man shakes his head in disgust, drags him out to the car and leans him up against the door so he can start digging for his keys in his pockets. Just when he lets go, again, the man just collapses to the pavement. He picks him off the ground and throws him in the car and drives about a half an hour to get to his house.
For the last time he pulls him out of the car, leans him up against the door and says, "You have had about a half an hour to sober up and you have a wife and kids in that house. Don't be a drunk fool! Can you act sober!?" The man mumbles in response, "I'll try." So the man lets go of him and again he falls to the ground.
He picks him up off the ground in absolute disgust, drags him up to his front porch and rings his doorbell. The wife comes to the door and the man says to her, "I saw your husband at the bar tonight and he was so drunk I didn't feel he could drive home."
She looks down at her husband laying on the porch and with a confused tone replys, "I appreciate it, but where is his wheelchair?"
A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the bar, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.
Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.
Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer.
Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?" The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"
To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."
A drunk guy was sitting in a bar. He asked the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender said, "Go down the hall and make a right."
All of a sudden, everybody at the bar heard a loud scream and wondered what was going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by, and everybody at the bar heard another loud scream coming out of the bathroom.
This time, the bartender went into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk was screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But, as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'" "So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?" "Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
