Gary's Place --- Jokes Page 1

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five.Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "Happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Punto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. He's getting ready to shoot again when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole-in-one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the endof the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my clients' room."

A elderly man was walking the grounds of a retirement home.
He walked up to another resident and said, "Hi. My name is Charlie. How old you think I am?"
The resident looked him up and down and said, "80." Charlie says, "Nope! Today is my 95th birthday," and walked on.
He approached another resident and said the same thing. "Hi. My name is Charlie. How old do you think I am?" The second resident looked him over and guessed, "86." Again Charlie said, "Nope! Today is my 95th birthday," and walked on.
He walked up to an elderly woman and asked her how old she thought he was. The old woman unzipped his fly, reached into his pants, fondled him for a few minutes and said, "95."
Startled, Charlie exclaimed, "How can you tell?" The old woman said, "I heard you tell that other guy."

A new farmer purchased some pigs. When he got them home, he found that they were all female. He asked his neighbor if he could bring them over to mate with his male pigs. They struck a bargain where the neighbor would get some of the piglets in exchange for his stud service.
The next day, the farmer took his sows next door to frolic all day with the males. When he came to take them home, he asked, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The neighbor answered, "Tomorrow mornin', if they're a-grazin' (somethin' pigs never do), they're pregnant."
The next morning the pigs they weren't grazing, so the farmer loaded them back onto his truck and took 'em to the neighbor's. The next day, the same thing happened, so he put them in the truck and took them back to the neighbor's again. On the fourth day, the farmer was feeling discouraged, and tired of loading all those pigs and driving them to his neighbor's, so he said to his wife, "Honey, I just can't bear it. Would you look out at the pigs and tell me if they're grazing?"
She looked out, smiled, turned to him and said, "Well, they're not grazing, but they're all lined up at the truck, and one's up on the front seat, honking the horn."

There was a little old lady who lived alone with her poodle, Timmy. On her birthday, she received a mysterious package with no name on the card. She opened the package and found a bottle. When she popped the cork, a magical genie flowed out of the bottle and said to her, "I will grant three wishes for your birthday!"
The little old lady thought for a minute and then said, "I wish I was rich instead of poor." Immediately, there appeared a million dollars.
She, again, thought for a minute and said, "I wish I was young and beautiful." In an instant, she was young and beautiful!
As she only had one wish left, she thought for several minutes, and then she said, "I wish my wonderful little dog, Timmy, was a handsome young man instead of a dog." Timmy was transformed into a handsome young man!
She could hardly believe her eyes, and she exclaimed, "Oh Timmy! Is that really you?"
The handsome young man said, "Yes, it is. And aren't you sorry that you had me fixed?"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very anxious to consummate the marriage as they had both saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.
Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex".
The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than five times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted.
In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to "do the laundry" again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry for last night. We can 'do the laundry' again if you want."
He replied, "It's OK. It was a small load, so I did it by hand."

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

A little boy had a terrible day at school and came home to the farm in a bad mood. As he walked through the gate, he saw a chicken and gave it a good kick. Then a pig walked past him, she got a big kick, too.
He went into the house, and his mother confronted him. "I saw what you just did and that's very cruel. Because you kicked the chicken, you will have no eggs for a month, and because you kicked the pig, you will have no bacon for a month."
Just then, his father came in, all angry and upset. He was so ripped, he kicked the cat as it went by.
The boy looked at his mother... "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!," says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!," says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A blonde walked into the doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!
She said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it!
Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud..

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's no where near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the wierdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

TOP 20 BEST TYPES OF PERSONAL
BUSINESS TO DO ON THE JOB

1. Search for another job.

2. Circulate joke mail to your distribution list of friends.

3. Schedule your personal life: Doctor appointments, parties, lunch dates, etc. -- who has time to do this at home?

4. Update your resume.

5. Look for free stuff on the internet. -- try http://www.jellybelly.com.

6. Download free screen savers from the internet.

7. Day-dream about getting a real job.

8. Surf the internet.

9. Balance the checkbook, pay bills, write letters, or call friends.

10. Plan your vacation.

11. Call all your long-distance friends on the free company phone (at someone else's desk).

12. Take a hour lunch break while talking to the recruiter from the competitor.

13. Office supply "shopping."

14. Use company resources to create personal web site.

15. Upgrade your PC at work. The tech department's too cheap to do it for you! -- Mr. Roboto, the temp who knows more about computers than your tech department.

16. Eat stuff.

17. Try for the millionth time to get on the heaven's gate site.

18. The all-time classic: Microsoft Solitaire.

19. Homework - I'll get my masters degree and drop this job like a hot potato.

20. Updating the office pool on who will be leaving next.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain, she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.
Three gorgeous girls walk up to him.
"Ah!" says the first one, "I bet you've never been hugged."
"No" says the man sadly, and she gives him a big hug.
"Ah!" says the second babe, "I bet you've never been kissed."
"No" says the man expectantly, and sure enough she kisses him.
The third (and most sexy) girl slithers up to him.
"Ah!" she pouts, I bet you've never been fucked."
"No" he shouts, not believing his ears.
"Well you are now - the tides coming in!"