| Even though I felt that we wouldn't have a problem finding the heartbeat and things would be fine, deep down I was really scared to death; how could I not? We went back into a patient exam room and soon the doctor came in and tried to find Shaina's heartbeat. Still no luck. At that point, I could clearly see the concern on his face. Without saying much, he stepped out of the room and quickly brought another doctor in. This doctor was a woman in her early 40's, possibly a litttle younger, with short dark hair and eye glasses. I'd never met her before that day. She also looked very concerned within moments of running the doppler device over my abdomen several times. After only a few minutes of searching, which seemed like an eternity to me; since I was holding my breath, both doctors agreed that I needed to have an ultrasound done right away. Since there wasn't access to an ultrasound machine at their clinic, I was sent to the Labor and Delivery wing of the hospital, which was a 30 second drive from the clinic, which also seemed to take forever. My doctor said he'd meet us there. At that moment, it still didn't quite hit me that, in fact, my baby wasn't alive. I pushed that thought straight to the back of my mind and tried not to think about it. I convinced myself that there had to be an explanation; it would simply take an ultrasound to figure it out, then things would be fine. After we arrived at the hospital, we were ushered into a labor and delivery room, where usually happy couples were welcoming a new addition to their families. I knew I'd soon be in one of those special rooms, but not until April and definately under those circumstances. I was told by the nurse, an older heavy-set woman, who looked like she's been working a few too many hours; to lay on the bed for the ultrasound. As I layed on the hospital bed, I was beyond terrified. It took everything I had to hold back the tears. Matt held my hand tightly, even though I know it must've been dripping with sweat. The nurse switched on the machine and everyone held their breath. The silence was overwhelming, as they stared at the moniter. I don't remember even looking, but the image of the expression on the doctor's face and hearing him blurt out "Oh, shit!" is very clear in my mind. Even though the screen was purposely turned away from my direction, I must've caught a glimpse, since the image of Shaina; my baby, completely still is etched in my brain forever. At that point, I lost it. I collapsed into a pile on the bed. I began balling uncontrolably. The doctor didn't say much as he left the room to let us be alone. As I turned and looked at Matt, through my stream of tears, I could see the pain in his face. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. We didn't know what to say, so we just held each other close, while I cried on his shoulder. I must've called a couple family members and friends using the phone in the Labor and Delivery room while we were waiting for the doctor or a nurse to come back in, because I remember talking to a certain person; telling them my baby was dead and I'd have to deliver her right then (which I thought I'd have to). That person said something along the lines of asking if I'd chose to do it....like maybe I was having an abortion or purposly killed my baby! How in the heck could someone even think that, let alone say that to me minutes after I found out my baby died? It really amazes me that I still even talk to this person, which it would be practically impossible to avoid them, considering they are a family member. After a short time, a nurse came in to talk with us. I don't remember a word she said, but she gave me some pills and told me to take one every few hours, until the contractions started, then to come back in to the hospital. With the pills in hand, we went home for the wait. I didn't have much left. I was pregnant with a baby whose spirit had already gone to be with Jesus. As the new year came, it didn't bring anything happy for me. The old year was gone and along with it went my baby's life and mine. During the wee hours of the night, I somehow managed to fall into a restless sleep; tossing and turning until the sun came up. When I realized it was finally morning, I felt a rush of fear surge through my body, bringing me instantly back to reality. I had no reason to get out of bed; but then again, there was no way I could lay there and let my mind start thinking about my situation. I drug my weary body out from under the security of the covers and slowly made it into the living room, where I immediatly retreated to the couch. I felt like I'd just been crushed by a semi truck. My heart actually had been. I still had my comforter wrapped around me and I held it close. Today; January 1st, 1999, would be the day, the hardest day of my life. Some people might think it would be the day to finally get it all over with and move on. Actually, it turned out to be just the beginning of my personal nightmare of grieving and beating myself up over what in the world had went wrong with my healthy, uneventful pregnancy. It was the start of my struggle to keep Shaina's memory alive and my journey trying not to let anyone forget my first child. My life would never be the same, it completely changed me as a person, forever. The pregnancy test was posative on August 4, 1998. I'd pretty much known I was pregnant and I was a little scared. Not just because of my age and situation, but because I think that every first pregancy has an element of fear; mostly of the unknown. At the same time, I couldn't help from being overjoyed. Even though I was only 16, I knew for a fact that I wanted to be a mother someday. I'd always fantasized about how many children I'd have and if they'd be boys or girls. I'd picked out names for my babies when I was very young. Of course my name prefrences changed drastically over time, the thought of being a mother was always there. I questioned how women could choose never to have any children, or never to adopt. That was not an option for me. I was born to be a mommy! The time to become a mother came sooner than I'd anticipated, but I was definatly willing to accept the life long responsibility. I was certain I could handle it. My boyfriend, Matt had called me from work that afternoon, soon after I'd taken the pregnancy test. That's when I told him the news. I don't think he said a whole lot at that point, but was surely shocked and quite terrified. It was a pretty short conversation and we said we'd talk later, when he came home. I wondered if he'd actually come home. I was still very excited, how could I not be? A new little life had begun growing inside of me. Matt, God and I had created a person! Just that thought sent chills up my spine. It was absolutally a miracle! I got on the phone and started calling a few friends. Most of them took the news very well. Some even told me congratulations. In fact, when I called one of my friends, she said "I just found out I'm pregnant, too!" She'd taken a pregnancy test that morning, also. What a coincedense! That really made me feel better, I didn't feel quite so alone. I thought it'd be great to have someone to go through my pregnancy with and share the same thoughts and feelings at the same time. But a couple days after that, my friend called to tell me that she was bleeding and her doctor told her to lay down and stay off of her feet. She was almost crying. I didn't know what to do or how to help her. To be honest, I guess I didn't think too much about it. The next day, my friend called and said she'd had a miscarriage. I thought it was terrible, but mainly because we wouldn't be pregnant together anymore. I didn't fully understand how she felt and how bad it hurt her. In the back of my mind, I probably thought "Well, she's married and has 2 other children, she'll have more, if she wants to." I remember asking her if she still wanted to go swimming like we'd planned. Of course she said "No!" That was the last time I seen her. I heard she was so upset about the loss, that she'd moved back to another state, where she'd lived previously. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for being so rude and for not trying to understand her pain. I sure understand now. |
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| SHAINA 1-1-99 |
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