Ah females, is it me, or is it rate that one will
open her mouth without accosting you with a series of potent and often hillarious lies? No, it's
not just me, it's a little thing known as truth with a healthy dose of reality. Currently, it
is Valentine's day and it's no suprise that I sit here, in all my singlehood, with friends and family
asking the ever-present question: Why ain't you dating? I'll tell you why, BECAUSE I can't! Ya
see, I have tried most everything that people have suggested, with my favorite of all time being
"Just be yourself, women respect that." Bull Crap-ith. This is a lie that is about as believable
as that told in Jackie Chan's First Strike "Sharks don't bite." It is my firm belief that
women pride themselves on telling lies without breakin' a smile and often times, they BELIEVE
the lies that they'll tell you. So, today, on this foggy, cold, ugly V-day, I present you with the
rant: THE LIES WOMEN TELL *cue the horns*.
The Lie
"Looks don't really matter to me."
The Truth: Females are the most superficial beings on this island Earth, ALL of them. If a female
says that looks don't matter to her, it's because she thinks you're ugly as hell and is hoping
you'll pick up on this with this comment.
How To Reply:
"Ma'am! Calm down, we'll find out who did that to your face, and when we do, we'll give them
the ultimate punishment. Time with you."
The Lie
I would date you, but I've got a boyfriend.
The Truth: You saw this girl at a club and hit on her simply because she was the only
woman in the room that didn't have three eyes and four chins. You KNOW she doesn't have a
boyfriend since she resembles a fatter, angrier, meaner version of The Loch Ness monster and
she chain smokes. This mystical, magical boyfriend she speaks of is about as real as Tara
Reid's boobz, and probably equally plastic. Please, ladies, if a guy is making casual conversation
or even if he IS interested, don't make up some bull about having a boyfriend. All we're gonna
do is mock you when we return to our tables.
How to Reply: "Now you know good and well no one wants to date a girl that looks
and acts like a shaven wookie.
The Lie
"All I want is a guy with a sense of humor, ya know, someone that can make me laugh"
The Truth: This is a flat out lie, and any girl that tells you this is a lying biznotch
and probably a Commie (note cartoon below). Fact of the matter is, a sense of humor and a personality
rank down in the low 40s (on a list of 20) of things women look for in a man. On said list, the first
20 things are money and body repeated ad nauseum, while 21-30 are just money. Ladies, no one belives
this lie, stop using it, it's only making you look more insane than you already look/sound.
How to Reply: "Oh yeah? Well, here's a joke for ya, biznotch. Your superficiality
will cause you to be poor and alone at the age of 50, at which time, you're gonna more than likely
be molested by a pack of angry keebler elves."
The Lie
"I like nice guys."
The Truth: Not ONE single girl on this planet wants a "nice guy." This is evidenced by
the scores of women that stay with a man whom regularly assaults them with a Bat'leth every night
while watching Star Trek reruns on Spike TV. The saying goes: "Nice guys finish last," however, I
maintain that nice guys not only don't finish, but they also get run over by the Zamboni
during intermission. Ladies, come on now, none of you wants a nice guy, you just want the
muscle-headed steroid freak with the nice pecs. You'll all be much happier if you stop lying
to yourself and admit this. Once you do admit this, go to the Sports Authority and buy a helmet,
as you're probably not intelligent enough to navigate complex devices like stairs and will need
some protection.
How to Reply: "Really? Well, I don't like dirty skanks, so I guess we can't date."
The Lie
"I don't really care about how much money a guy has, or how his body looks."
The Truth: I'm not going to say that women are superficial biznotches that care only
about money and body-type, and I'm not gonna to say that they're not...but they are. Typically,
a woman wants a guy that makes enough money to support her fully, regardless of when you meet her
(sorry teenage guys, but you're gonna need to get a third job and sell your pet cat to immigrants)
and you must STILL maintain a six-pack of abs along with a very fit frame. I know what you're thinking,
"my girl ain't like that she's dating me!" well, take her to the gym when the guys that can bench-press
a firetruck are there and watch her drool like a man that got a novacaine shot directly in the lips. If
you're lucky, one of them will hit on her, she'll go with him, and you'll finally be able to spend
some time doing important stuff (World of Warcraft anyone?). Sad thing is, even the biggest, meanest,
poorest, fattest, woman on the planet wants that dude with the "Swimmer's build," and the 100K a year job.
Ladies, please, you know you don't care about anything else in yer man other than his musculature and
financial standings, so please don't say otherwise anymo'. If you do say otherwise, I will be forced to come to your
homes and flash you all.
How to Reply: "That's good, because I'm fat and broke, and I aim to rob you fairly soon."
Well kids and kittens, that's it for this week. I hope you walk away that much more informed and
able to stand in the face of the lies women will eventually spit at you. Oh, and if any of this
is untrue in the least, then I blame...uh..Sinbad the Comedian.
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