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I hate being the third wheel, seriously. I think I would rather fight a rabid polar bear
who's armed with a chainsaw and eight-foot broadsword than go out as a third wheel with THOSE
couples. What are THOSE couples you ask? They are the type of people that feel the need
to constantly prove their "love" or "affection" for one another by constantly kissing or groping
or in general doing a buncha highly disguisting shiznit no one wants to see. I mean, come on, no
one wants to see you slobber all over your girlfriend/boyfriend for an entire freakin' day! Why?
'Cause you look like a fvcking walrus trying to swallow a sixteen pound bowling ball, that's why.
You may say "oh, you're just bitter 'cause you're single." Well, that's true, but you gotta realize that THOSE couples traditionally make EVERYONE feel uncomfortable, even OTHER couples! 'ell, there are couples I've been around that no other human/group of humans in his/her/their right mind would even THINK about going out in public with without a grope-shield. So my friends, since I am not one to just sit idly by and complain, I have decided to come to your aid with a li'l list of ways to avoid being in that Third Wheel Situation. As usual, direct your comments and insults to My Livejournal. The Movie Theater Techniques to Avoid the Encounter: Okay, the movie theater is probably THE worst place to be with THAT couple. Your best bet is to avoid the situation all together. Make up some lie, make up some excuse, just DON'T LET YOURSELF GET INTO THAT FREAKIN' DARK ROOM WITH THEM! Seriously, you'll see things you'll wish you'd never seen. So, how do you avoid the situation? Simple really, you can take a page from my book. A few weeks ago, I'd planned to catch Constantine on opening night. I'd been lookin' forward to this live-action HellBlazer for a while, and there was no way I was gonna miss the opening night show. Welp, a "couple" ended up inviting me, and there was no way in 'ell I was gonna go with them. So what did I do? I used Jedi mind tricks to get as much information from them about the time, date, theater, and post-movie events (if they go to dinner near the theater, they could linger around) and then I went to a movie theater on the other side of town. It's sneaky, it's underhanded, but dangit, I got to enjoy that movie and not be caught in the saliva-fueled splash zone that would've ensued. Other Lies/Methods Call in a Alien-invasion threat to the movie theater. When the place clears out and the couple eventally leaves, you can mosey on in and watch your movie in peace. Tell them you've come down with a highly contagious case of herpatits-Q which only lasts the amount of time you'd all be at the movie theater. Light yourself on fire, then say you had a close encounter with a dragon and just can't go.  In the Theater Oh you're in trouble now. Your lies and trickery didn't work, now you're front row center to watch your friends make an honest attempt to stretch their mouths over each other's craniums. You've got very limited options, one of which is to gouge your eyes out with a Snicker's bar, and no one wants that (can't waste the Snicker's). So, here are some options I've found useful: The Theater Hop: If you know you're gonna be in the theater with those two beforehand, then make sure you drink a lotta diet soda and eat a whole lotta beans. Throughout the previews or the pre-show countdown, burp and fart as loudly as you humanly can. Then, turn to one of them and say "Man...I tell ya I don't know what I ate but it sure doesn't agree with me." After you've farted so loud you've started a small fire in your chair, say you have to get up and go to the restroom. At this point, sneak off to one of the less populated movies that started at about the same time as the one you were just in (it helps if it's a movie you've already seen and enjoyed). After about an hour and a fourty minutes, return to your original movie, point towards the bathroom and say "DO NOT...GO IN THERE...WHEW!" (extra points for setting off stink bombs and coming back with a pair of pants that's looser). The Mouth Foamer: If all the screens at the theater are full, and you just can't sneak off, try this li'l technique. With it, you sneak a handful of Alka Seltzler and some club soda into the theater with you. Then, during the previews, pop those suckers into yer mouth and let the foamy fun begin! No one in their right mind can make-out when there's a dude foamin' at the mouth less than four feet away. *Note* do NOT perform this technique if there's a doctor in the house. The Stair Fall: The most drastic of all the techniques. When you and the couple arrive in the theater that has stadium seating, suggest to them that you sit at the very very highest point in the room. Then, right when the previews start, walk to the stairs, look at them both, yell "SNOOOCH MUTHA F*CKAS!" and sling yourself down the stairs as hard as you can. Extra points for each bone you break. The Department Store I don't now what the hell is wrong with some people, but somehow, someway, being in a department store is a SERIOUS turn on apparently. This means that, the second you set foot inside of some place that sells stuff, the couple is gonna make an attempt to p00p out a handful of little ugly children in the bedding or power tool aisle. Trust me when I say you do NOT want to see that, you'll have more fun trying to remove a Tiger Cub from his mother when you're in a wheelchair. So, what should you do?
Your Car Okay, I've been here before, and it SUCKS! If you're driving, you can't close your eyes, you can't run, you can't hide, all you can do is scream and hope it ends soon. So, what do you do in this situation?
At Dinner If you're smart enough to have driven (and let's face it, you weren't) then you could just get up and leave before the check arrived. However, you're stuck there, watching them smack loudly on a pig carcass (and they'll be eating food too). This situation is really sticky (as will be the table soon) and you don't have much lee-way. Here're my suggestions:
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