Alright beeches! I’m back. Dad gave me an orange lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Ok anyway. Let’s pretend. Assuming you’ve been with us since episode 1, you must do it a friggen’ lot. So. We’ll pretend that hide and the alternate universe Mana came back home with us! Yaaaaaay! And also: we can travel to the wild wild west that is J-rock Heaven anytime we damn well please. Doesn’t that sound like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJAJAJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFJNKIJGHNKFDHNGIU;SOTGN;KJGN;IURTGNUNK;JNFG;IOJTLGKNGFLKJFNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNORT

Kyo: *chillin by the pool with his homies, Mana and Alt.Uni.Mana* So do we like live at Gackt’s house now, or what?
Manas: *shrug*
Kyo: I mean, we used to always be at that other place. It was like... a basement. Now... we’re always here.
Manas: *blink and shrug*
Kyo: Weird.
Manas: *shrug*
Kyo: Wanna go swimming?
Manas: *shrug*
Kyo: ...You two don’t say much, do ya...
Manas: *shake their heads*
Kyo: Well - *stands up*
hide: *runs outside and lunges himself into Kyo, knocking them both into the water*
Kyo: OH MY GOD I’M DROWNING!
hide: *stands up* Sheesh, we’re only in the 3 feet. Calm yourself. *climbs out*
Kyo: *still drowning*
hide: Oh yeah, I forgot... you’re all midget-ish and shit. Well.... *runs away* YOUR PROBLEM MANA!
Manas: *look at each other and shrug as they watch Kyo drown*

***
hide: *wanders into the living room where various people are playing various video games* Hey bitches! Kyo’s drowning!
Ruki: FRIGGIN’ GREAT! I been tryin’ to get rid o’ that little troll since I got here!
Reita: Hey, how did we get here anyway...?
Ruki: It’s a long story, Reita. I’ll tell it to you when you’re older.
Reita: Oh boy! *shoots up*
jo: DID SOMEONE SAY KYO IS DROWNING?!
hide: Yeah, like... 3 minutes ago.
jo: SILENCE! My cat-like hearing and reflexes never fail me! I just had to run from one side of the house to the other is all.
Gackt: *walks by* Yeah, my house is pretty badass that way, now ain’t it.
jo: Sure sure whatever. Now! HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!! *runs outside and swoops down and picks up Kyo’s dead carcass from the water* OH NO! I was.... TOO LATE! *looks to the sky* POR QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!
Kyo: *cough cough*
jo: ALIVE! He’s alive! Looks like I have to give him MOUTH TO MOUTH!
Gackt: *walks by, touches Kyo, then jumps in the pool* There ya go!
Kyo: *sputters back to life from Gackt’s magick touch*
jo: ...DAMN YOU GACKT!
Kyo: ...
jo: Kyo, you spit up all over me.
Kyo: Yeah, I do that every now and again. *stands up* Pool party, oh boy! *jumps in* ... *starts drowning again*
Manas: *clap*
Kyo: Oh, ya like that huh? Oooooh, help, I’m drowning! *is a drama queen*
Manas: *giggle, clap, et cetefuckingra*
jo: Kyo, quit showing off for the girl....things. And uuh... go do something that would progress the story of this episode for which I have no good ideas!
Kaoru: You heard her, shorty! Outta my pool! *CANNONBALL, JAJAJAJAJAAAAAAA*
Kyo: *whaps Kaoru on the head when he comes out of the water*
Kaoru: Waaaah, somebody! Kyo hit me!
Sarah: MOMIJI?! *tries to run outside but the glass sliding door is actually... closed*
jo: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA-*Kaoru hits her on the head with a pool toy and she somehow gets knocked out and falls into the pool*
Kaoru: HAHA! BURNED! PSSSSSSS!
jo: *seeing everything in slow motion as she passes out and falls in the pool* ... *the last thing she hears is Kaoru and Kyo laughing crazily saying “Haha! Look, she’s drowning! WOOHOO!”*

Some time later.... what, what do you mean? Some time? Well, it’s... some time... whaddya mean HOW MUCH time? SOME TIME DAMMNIT! No - just - SHUT UP! SOME TIME LATER!

jo: *wakes up and it’s like that thing that always happens on tv where everyone is standing around in a circle staring at the person who’s waking up. So yeah everyone was standing around her in a circle... yup, all 23 of ‘em* Wow, that’s a big circle!
Everyone: *moan* DAMN!
jo: What, what’re you damning?
Wang: We thought you were dead...
Aoi: Ah well, a guy can dream.
jo: Hey, shut up OWIE! I haven’t done anything to YOU yet...
Aoi: Well, sure you have.
Uruha: This is our first time on the show, stupid... say your right lines or you’re fired!
Aoi: Nonsense! I been doin’ this since you were knee-high to a pissant!
Kai: What’s a pissant?
Ruki: Well, it’s an ant that pisses.
Reita: DUH!
Uruha: Shut up Reita, you so did not know that...
Reita: Oh yeah, well, I know... YOUR MOMMA!
Ruki: Quit fighting! You’re drivin’ me to drink! *pulls a bottle of whiskey out of nowhere, is drunk within seconds of even just seeing the bottle* WOOOO! That’s the good stuff! *pukes all over*
Kai: I still don’t get it, what’s a pissant?
jo: Great.... Woah, I feel a little faint.... *passes out*

Some MORE time later.... DON’T QUESTION ME!

jo: *wakes up* Hey.... where am I? *looks around*
Tenten: *walks up to her on all fours....panting*
jo: ...Heaven? *looks around*
Tenten: *picks up a leash in his mouth and drops it near her*
jo: ...MY VERY OWN PET TENTEN! *puts the leash on hims and they go outside for a walk* Hey, look Tenten! It’s Sarah! Hey Sarah! *waves* SARAH! Over here! *waves crazily* SARAH! SARAH! SARAH! SAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAH FOR FUCKS SAKE LOOK OVER HERE OIGH’GIHJ’OFIJTYHIORJHTOUJHGHNGHJGHN
Sarah: Oh, well why didn’t you speak up! My hearin’ ain’t what it used to be ya know! *walks over to them, has Mao on a leash*
jo: Oh, I see you’re walking your pet Mao. Well - *sticks nose in the air... and what a nose it is....* I have my very own pet Tenten.
Sarah: Yeah... great.
Tenten: *trying to sniff Mao’s butt*
Sarah: EW! Get that thing away from us! *Mao jumps into her arms* It’s ok, baby, I won’t let the big mutt hurt you!
jo: HEY BITCH! You leave Tenten alone! Just cause he looks like a goat, well that’s no reason to -
Yuuya: *appears* THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS!
Sarah: A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
Yuuya: A FIGHT TO THE - hey! How’d you know?
Sarah: I know things.
Yuuya: Ok, well - WHAT SHE SAID! A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
Sarah: Wait, let me call my husband! *calls Yuma on the phone* Yuma, baby, come quick!
jo: I better call my husband, too! *dials her phone* Hello...? Who is this? T.M.REVOLUTION?! But you’re not my -
Taka: *from out of the phone* I’ll be right over darling!
jo: *looks at the phone suspiciously* O....k... that was weird. Anyway -
Shinji: ARMADILLO!
jo: What?!
Shinji: RAMEN!
jo: W.... What?! Shinji what’s the matter with you?
Shinji: Well, I’m just crazy.
Sarah: That’s true...
Aki: *appears* When I wave this flag, the fight to the death between Mao and Tenten will ensue!
jo: ... *grabs Tenten’s leash hook dramatically*
Sarah: *grabs Mao’s*
jo: ...
Sarah: ...
Mao: *growling and.... twitching... violently...*
Tenten: *showing his teeth. Like always.*
Shinji: ...
Aki: ...
Yuuya: *battling a streetlight*
Aki: GO!
jo: *unleashes Tenten*
Sarah: *unleashes Mao*
Taka: Go, jo! My sweet wonderful amazing wife! *waving from the stands of the stadium they are suddenly in*
jo: Um, ok... I don’t remember marrying you but ok!
Yuma: SARAH! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
Kiaki: KARN!
Sarah: Mao, I choose you! *picks him up and throws him into the ring which is suddenly a sumo ring*
jo: What the... *gets hit in the head with debris flying up from the fight and passes out*

Some time later... again.

jo: *wakes up in a tent* Where... am I... *goes outside where night has fallen and a fire blazes while little Kyo pokes it with a stick* Kyo! *runs over and sits by him* Kyo, I just had the weirdest dream that I had Tenten for a pet and Sarah had Mao for a pet and then they were fighting, and and and T.M.Revolution was my husband, and -
Kyo: *looks over at her and he has....FACIAL HAIR* So you’re finally losin’ it huh?
jo: AH! KYO! What the hell?
Kyo: Whaddya mean what the hell? You’re the one comin’ over here all “OHHH KYOOO I’m having nightmares, saaave me Kyo saaaaave me, you’re such a BIG MAN KYOOOO and I just wanna lather you up and” -
jo: KYO.
Kyo: Huh? *looks around* Oh, sorry. What now?
jo: What’s with the facial pubes?
Kyo: ...
jo: Well?
Kyo: We’re in the woods, woman! What do you want me to do!
jo: Here, I’ll rip ‘em out! *jumps on top of him and starts trying to rip off his facial hair as Shinya and Die walk in on the scene*
Shinya: Uhh...
jo: Oh no! Shinya! Not you too?
Shinya: Not me what too?
jo: ...
Shinya: Huh?
jo: You gots facial hairs!
Shinya: Oh.... yeah. Guess so.
Die: So do I!
jo: EW! GOD!
Kaoru: You RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG?! *walks up carrying firewood*
jo: KAORU!
Kaoru: YES MA’AM!
jo: SHAVE!
Koaru: GASP! I most certainly will NOT! Have you lost what little mind you had?! *SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE - WATCH CONSTANTINE!!!*
Kyo: Kaoru! She hurt me!
Kaoru: Well, we’ll just have to do what we always do...
jo: What...? What do we always do?
Kaoru: TOSHIYAAAAAAA!!!
Toshiya: *comes out of the other tent, has a big long hippie beard and a walrus mustache*
jo: Lord almighty....
Toshiya: What do you want from me?
Kaoru: GET HEEEEEER!
Toshiya: ‘Get’ her? GET her, Kaoru? What are you saying -
Kaoru: SHE HURT KYO!
Toshiya: She did WHAT to WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?! *suddenly millions of owls swoop down from the trees and begin to attack Toshiya* AAAAH!!!! *tries to run from them and falls in the fire*
jo: Um um um Kaoru is this what we always do?!
Kaoru: NO! *throws a bucket of water on the fire*
Toshiya: *gets up and runs around crazily, chasing jo in the process* GET ‘EM OFF ME, GET ‘EM OFF ME!
jo: AAAAAAAAH! *trips and falls.... blacking out. Fufufufufufu.*

Some more time later again...

jo: *wakes up in a garden outside a castle* ... What the -
Gackt: Shhh, don’t speak.
jo: *looks over at Gackt* Gackt, you....
Gackt: I what, darling?
jo: You weigh like 800 pounds.
Gackt: Umm... yeah? Is this a problem?
jo: Ok, this one is the last straw. WHY CAN’T I JUST WAKE UP! *picks up a rock and hits herself off the head with it*

Some more more time later....

jo: *wakes up and sees Hyde right in her face*
Hyde: OH MY GOD YOU’RE AWAKE!
jo: ...*trying to back away from him but has nowhere to go*
Hyde: *looks around, then whispers* ...Guess what...?
jo: ...What...
Hyde: *looks around some more* ... I BELIEVE IN GOD!
jo: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! *dives out the window*

Some more more time later again...

jo: *wakes up in a hospital bed*
Sakura: *is the doctor* Here’s your muscle tester!
jo: My what?!
Sakura: *puts the anaesthetic thing on her face* Count backwards!

Some more more time later again again...

jo: *opens her eyes and she’s at a party somewhere and before she knows it hide is wearing nothing but a thong and a bow-tie while jumping out of a cake* SCAAAAAAAAAAAARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes and gets so drunk she passes out*

More more again time again again some... time... blah blaaaaah... whatever.

jo: *wakes up...beside Gackt’s pool* Uuuuh... my head.... Hey, this is Gackt’s place... *looks around* Where is everybody...? Oh my frigging word, please tell me I’m home... *wanders into the kitchen* Sarah......? Gackt? ....Anybody? *goes into the living room* Where are you guys? C’mon, the jig is up... *goes upstairs* Ya know Gackt, if you’d ever heard of LIGHTS, things would be a lot easier.... *starts going into people’s rooms and no one can be found* Hmm... maybe they left a note? *goes back down to the kitchen and there’s NO NOTE! GASP!* Waaaaaah..... What do I do, I’m totally alone in Gackt’s mansion... Well, I guess I could call Tenten and invite him over, that dream gave me the idea.... hohohohoho... *turns around and reaches for the phone but screams when she sees Yukihiro right up in her face*
Yukihiro: HI!
jo: YUKIHIRO! Sigh... thank god! You guys are back? Where the heck were you...
Yuki: What’re you talking about? It’s just me and you here.
jo: It’s... wait, what? Did you just say... me and you.... alone...
Yuki: Yup.
jo: Oh, no... I’m .... alone with.... YUKIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grabs a skillet outta the cabinet and hits herself in the head with it*

Time time later it’s later again some time went by how much time we don’t know just some time it went by and now it’s now...

jo: *wakes up to Kyo and Kaoru staring at her*
Kaoru: She’s alive!
jo: *spews water all over his face*
Kaoru: Finally, my dream came true!
Kyo: You wanted someone to spit all over you? Well Jesus Kaoru I mean I coulda done that -
jo: HELLO! *sits up* DYING HERE!
Kyo: Oh yeah, hi. So as I was saying -
jo: Wait, this is it!
Kaoru: ...
Kyo: ...
jo: I’m finally awake... wait - *starts rubbing Kaoru’s cheeks. THE ONES ON HIS FACE.*
Kaoru: Woah there sweetheart, shouldn’t we have coffee first?
jo: *checks Kyo* You guys don’t have any facial hair!
Kyo: ...Quit making fun of me! *pout*
Kaoru: Well, it’s called a RAZOR. DUH! *points to her legs* Maybe you wanna try one sometime...
jo: *throws him in the pool*
Kyo: Man, what’s your deal lady?
jo: Kyo where’s Gackt?
Kyo: I dunno, it wasn’t my turn to watch old sexy -
jo: !
Kyo: OH. MY. GOD I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT - please don’t tell anyone, I mean I was... I was KIDDING! See? HAHA! A JOKE! IT WAS A JOKE!
jo: *throws him in the pool too and runs in the house* Gackt?! GACKT WHERE ARE -
Gackt: I’m right here!!!! *wearing his pink frilly apron, cooking dinner*
jo: You’re not morbidly obese?!
Gackt: Uhh... is this a trick question?
jo: Oh thank the gods. *hugs him and runs into the living room*
Gackt: Ah, she can be so sweet sometimes... *remembers the time she split his personality into a million pieces... Begins stirring something violently and mumbling under his breath*
jo: *enters the living room where Gazette is happily and loudly playing Mario Kart Double Dash* Hey! You guys all know what a piss ant is, right?
Ruki: Of course! What kinda fools do you take us for?!
jo: AWESOME! *runs upstairs and opens up Sakura’s door* Sakura!
Sakura: DON’T LOOK I’M NAKED!
jo: Sakura you’re not a doctor are you?!
Sakura: GET OUT!
jo: Right! *runs away and shuts the door behind her* Hmm... *picks up the hallway phone and dials Tenten* Tenten! You’re not my pet are you?
Tenten: Who the hell’s this?
jo: Umm... we’ll work on it. Come over sometime sweetcheeks, I got a little somethin’ for ya. And bring that Yuma fellow, wink wink! Seeya! *hangs up and runs into Hyde’s room*
Hyde: *laying on his bed staring at the ceiling while Marilyn Manson blasts through 4 huge heavy-duty speakers*
jo: HYDE!
Hyde: WHAT?
jo: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON GOD?
Hyde: WHAT?
jo: *gives him a thumbs up* THAT’S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR, THANKS! *slips out of his room and pulls the door shut behind her, sliding down it with a sigh of relief until she is sitting in the hallway*
Yukihiro: *comes out of his room* Hey.
jo: Yukihiro, there’s no chance of us ever.. Um, being the only two people ever on earth... right?
Yuki: Psshhht. No.
jo: O.... Okay....
Yuki: *walking away* Man, these looks... A curse I say, a curse....
jo: Let’s see, did I miss anyone...
Sarah: *comes around the corner* jo! Where have you been?
jo: Sarah, you don’t wanna - *looks up to see that Sarah has a mustache* ...
Sarah: What? I don’t wanna what?
jo: *shakes head* ...You don’t wanna know...
Gackt: *yells up stairs* DINNER!!!!
Sarah: Let’s go eat.
jo: *sigh* Let’s do.
Sarah: C’mon Mao! *pats her knee and Mao comes running around the corner on all fours* Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY HUH? You are! You are Mao-y~!
jo: ...

The end.

And now I, too, know what it feels like to be controlled in a world where there is no plot... and NO MERCY!

bpass home || episode 39!